Married for a Year & Feeling Bad About Contemplating Divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife and I met in June 2016 and I literally just got out of a relationship when I jumped into a relationship with her. That was my first mistake but it did not feel like a mistake because everything started great. We were drawn to each other because of our issues with our partners that time, our dance background, our mutual friends, and the college we both attended. Everything was going well even when she had to go back to her country. She was just in California due to a dance competition and I met her through a mutual friend who was the coach that time of their team.

We did long-distance relationship and struggled to be far away from each other. We agreed for her to move here (because I was more stable) and got married within 2 months of living together. It was good in the beginning then the issues began. It went from her not understanding that we have chores in America, to being jealous over my dogs, over a neighbor, over a new coworker, and over my bestfriend. My bff was the biggest problem. Granted she and I dated for less than 6 months over 20 years, but it eventually turned into friendship and sisterhood because her parents unofficially adopted me into their family. I was poor and did not have anyone to care for me back then. So anyways, we fought and fought and fought. At one point, there was some physical abuse because she lost access to my phone and demanded to see my messages.

After months of therapy, our therapist suggested that my wife see someone separately to help her understand these behaviors. This was after stories of tantrums, manipulation, emotional blackmail verbal abuse, and physical aggression. We kept going to her as a couple and one day, when my wife left earlier, our therapist asked me 6-7 questions to see if my wife fits in a category of mental illness. She was not present that moment and our therapist explained that she did this because if she had some kind of illness, she may not take this lightly. She added that this should be something that my wife and her therapist hopefully discovers on their own. Those questions show that my wife has BPD.

Prior to this discovery, I have contemplated leaving already. I have actually prepared all of the divorce documents and was just holding on to it in hopes that I can get myself to stay. Now, I want a divorce and I am struggling to let her down. We had initially agreed that she will move out temporarily to find herself and work on being more independent. Now, I officially want a divorce.

I am struggling because I love her so much and I am wishing that I could stay. But I truly don't think that I can handle all of this. She is 25 years old and I am 38. At this point in my life, I just want to enjoy life. I feel so bad that I am wanting to leave. =(

[Marooner]

My wife and I met in June 2016 and I literally just got out of a relationship when I jumped into a relationship with her. That was my first mistake but it did not feel like a mistake because everything started great. We were drawn to each other because of our issues with our partners that time, our dance background, our mutual friends, and the college we both attended. Everything was going well even when she had to go back to her country. She was just in California due to a dance competition and I met her through a mutual friend who was the coach that time of their team.

We did long-distance relationship and struggled to be far away from each other. We agreed for her to move here (because I was more stable) and got married within 2 months of living together. It was good in the beginning then the issues began. It went from her not understanding that we have chores in America, to being jealous over my dogs, over a neighbor, over a new coworker, and over my bestfriend. My bff was the biggest problem. Granted she and I dated for less than 6 months over 20 years, but it eventually turned into friendship and sisterhood because her parents unofficially adopted me into their family. I was poor and did not have anyone to care for me back then. So anyways, we fought and fought and fought. At one point, there was some physical abuse because she lost access to my phone and demanded to see my messages.

After months of therapy, our therapist suggested that my wife see someone separately to help her understand these behaviors. This was after stories of tantrums, manipulation, emotional blackmail verbal abuse, and physical aggression. We kept going to her as a couple and one day, when my wife left earlier, our therapist asked me 6-7 questions to see if my wife fits in a category of mental illness. She was not present that moment and our therapist explained that she did this because if she had some kind of illness, she may not take this lightly. She added that this should be something that my wife and her therapist hopefully discovers on their own. Those questions show that my wife has BPD.

Prior to this discovery, I have contemplated leaving already. I have actually prepared all of the divorce documents and was just holding on to it in hopes that I can get myself to stay. Now, I want a divorce and I am struggling to let her down. We had initially agreed that she will move out temporarily to find herself and work on being more independent. Now, I officially want a divorce.

I am struggling because I love her so much and I am wishing that I could stay. But I truly don't think that I can handle all of this. She is 25 years old and I am 38. At this point in my life, I just want to enjoy life. I feel so bad that I am wanting to leave. =(

[pearlsw]

Hi Marooner,



I understand. I felt guilty when I broke with my first boyfriend after 8 years, and my second one after 6.5. It is not easy to break up with someone who wants to be with you. (They were both nons.)

I wonder what it would be like to break up with someone with BPD/BPD traits.

Are you worried how she will react? Or is your concern mostly about your feelings of guilt? Are you concerned she might behave rashly when you break? Would she try to convince you to stay.

Is your guilt related to the idea that you did this for a year and can't stick out "till death do you part"... .or?

You seem to pretty solidly feel that leaving is the right thing... .It's not easy, but with that kind of clarity and determination you will be in time I predict.

with compassion, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Marooner and let me join pearlsw in welcoming you.

I am struggling because I love her so much and I am wishing that I could stay. But I truly don't think that I can handle all of this. She is 25 years old and I am 38. At this point in my life, I just want to enjoy life. I feel so bad that I am wanting to leave. =(

I understand exactly where you are. I am turning 37 and have been married to my uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife), who is also from a different country, for 7 years. After a long time of believing that divorce was unthinkable, it is now on my mind every day. During the bad days, it's easy to get up the motivation to leave. When the times are good, I feel intensely sad and guilty for even harboring thoughts of leaving her. Add in two young children and it becomes even more complex. I always hold out a little hope, even as I feel that hope draining from me like the last few grains of sand from an hourglass.

I also know the feeling of wanting to enjoy life again. You owe it to yourselves and those you care about to be happy. Hold onto that thought very dearly. It will guide you to where you need to go. Like pearlsw said, don't rush yourself. Even if you know what you need to do, sometimes it takes time to be ready.

Yours,
Roland

[pearlsw]

Hi all, 

After a long time of believing that divorce was unthinkable, it is now on my mind every day. During the bad days, it's easy to get up the motivation to leave. When the times are good, I feel intensely sad and guilty for even harboring thoughts of leaving [].  I always hold out a little hope, even as I feel that hope draining from me like the last few grains of sand from an hourglass.

Oh my gosh! I feel like I could have written this myself!

I also know the feeling of wanting to enjoy life again. You owe it to yourselves and those you care about to be happy. Hold onto that thought very dearly. It will guide you to where you need to go. Even if you know what you need to do, sometimes it takes time to be ready.

thank you ROE for these wonderful reminders that life is for living! and that there are reasons to keep going!

 

~pearl.

[Red5]

After months of therapy, our therapist suggested that my wife see someone separately to help her understand these behaviors. This was after stories of tantrums, manipulation, emotional blackmail verbal abuse, and physical aggression. We kept going to her as a couple and one day, when my wife left earlier, our therapist asked me 6-7 questions to see if my wife fits in a category of mental illness. She was not present that moment and our therapist explained that she did this because if she had some kind of illness, she may not take this lightly. She added that this should be something that my wife and her therapist hopefully discovers on their own. Those questions show that my wife has BPD.

Hello Marooner and welcome!

You have found a good and safe place to come to and learn more, and as well to "vent"... .you will find many of us are weary travelers as well, and that we all share the same things in common as it pertains to this borderline personality disorder (BPD) phenomena... .

My best advice is to you; is this, .don't be too hasty (divorce), .as at least you and your wife are going to therapy, .a lot of us here have not even gotten that far, if we ever indeed will, .therapy is a big deal, and some degree of success can be accomplished there, so consider yourself lucky in that respect, .that said, now that you have some evidence of a professional diagnosis (dx), .it will now be best for you to now learn all you can about your wife's suspected dx, being BPD... .knowledge is power, and you will gain certain degree of "peace of mind" now knowing what may be coming next, and as well what to expect as far as behaviors from your wife.

I cannot understate this, learn all you can about BPD !

Yes, learn more, learn about the different phases of a BPD's relationship dynamics... .there is always a specific pattern / trend that these relationships follow.

You will find many links, and sources of information on this website, so navigate them as you find time, it has helped me immensely !

I too was "at the brink" when I came here over fifteen months ago, and its still been pretty rough at times, but I have stemmed the rising tides of dysfunction to a certain extent, so that I can get my thoughts and true feeling where they truly need to be... .in regards to my own person (wife) whom I too suspect as BPD (pw/BPD).

Anyways, tell us more as you can, and most of all, be sure to take good care of yourself.

Best regards, Red5

[Marooner]

I dont know how to navigate the website yet so i hope I clicked the correct “reply” button. Thank you to all those who replied. So I have filed today and I have mixed feelings. I am very relieved about what I did. A little background about me - I’ve never really believed in marriage. I’ve had many relationships but i was always clear about playing it by ear and seeing how things go. It was only 6 years ago that I decided to make legit effort in my relationship. That didn’t work. Then after that, i finally let myself see him in the future. I opened up to connecting with his family and getting into that “settled down”’mode. When they didn’t work (I broke up with him), I ended up getting with my wife now. So when I married her, understand that it was biggest decision of my life. I realized now that I should’ve never rushed it and tried to get to know her first, but circumstances. So imagine someone not believing in something and then finally doing it, only to experience verbal, emotional, and some physical abuse. I got so turned off with marriage. And now that it’s possibly BPD, I understand her more BUT i am still unhappy and couldn’t get myself to just “take it” and the “be the bigger person”. I know she wanted me to do that but i just can’t. So now I’ve filled. I told her in person and she didn’t freak out. We even got some snack together. She has access to my house for one more month so I am praying that things don’t go south. I am still walking on eggshells, especially since we already have this prepaid vacation together for 4 days. She agreed that it’s gonna be friendly and not a romantic getaway. I was going no matter what and she decided to just go and use it to destress.

She tells me she loves and I tell her that my love for her will stay for a long time. I always tell her that i just want her to get better and for me to heal. It’s hard to do a clean break cz 1) she has the key until end of June to my house and 2) I feel really really bad about leaving. I hope I’m doing the right thing.