embarrassed, ashamed and confused DD having violent outbursts

[Daisy123]

Hi everyone,

It has been a rough couple of weeks. DD20 did not go into PHP like she had promised. She said she's hopeless that anything will work-she's been in residential twice, hospitalized a dozen times and in so many PHPs-I can't keep count.

DD20 has had 4 violent outbursts in the past month. I reported one on this board some weeks back about DD trashing our side bedroom and throwing a computer at me. She was off of her meds-I thought that may have been partly the cause. These violent outbursts is a new development.

A few weeks after that, off her meds again-she had another outburst, this time with her BF. She punched, scratched him, pushed me down and went on a huge rampage of rage.

A few nights ago, she went into a blind rage when with a friend and friend's boyfriend.

I'll call them Sue and Bob. (Sue has been physically abused by Bob and calls my DD often to cry on DD's shoulder about Bob's abuse.)

DD was having an anxiety attack just after driving my car. Bob began making fun of DD while in my car. DD went off on him in front of Sue. Sue interrupted her outburst and said "We are no longer friends" This set DD off. She came into our home in a rage. My husband tried to hug her then grabbed her arm as she began to text her friend. This set DD off. DD went off on husband, punching him, making threats about how she was going to beat in Sue's face. Well it all got worse-out of hand. I got pushed down again by DD when I tried to keep her from running out of the house in her blind rage. Hindsight- I should have just have let her go.

Then, last night, she was in my husband's car, I'm on an extra long fieldtrip, 3 hours from home, when I get a phone call from her. She and her BF were fighting. She tells me that  he slammed the car door and punched the window. Then he screams into the phone about how she punched him.  They normally do not engage in physical violence. This is now 2 times in the past 4 weeks.

Deep breath... .I called her psychiatrist. Apparently one of her antidepressants that was upped 2 months ago, can cause violent outbursts. So we have to titrate her down on her meds.

I do suspect that 2 of her outbursts were related to no meds. I am not sure about the other 2.

Oh-and another embarrassing and shameful thing-she's stolen my credit card again! This is the 4th time. Twice in high school and once while on her Xanax addiction phase 6 months ago (we hadn't noticed these purchases till this week-feeling very dumb about this) and she picked up using the card again right after getting out of rehab back in March. Apparently, she's had an app that allowed her to order food from various places. She ordered food when ever she had a friend over-so we thought she was being "treated to dinner" by her very generous friends. Stupid of us, indeed.

I am so angry right now - I can hardly contain it. In fact, I haven't been able to contain it, it is seeping out in my tone of voice and I am much more shorter with her than usual.

I am tired of my husband continually poking the bear!
I am tired of living with "the BPD bear".
I am sick of this illness!

We have been looking for residential treatment centers that treat BPD.  As I am sure many of you know, none of these places takes our insurance. In fact because it's BPD-only 2 take insurance. So you can get treatment if you are depressed or have an addiction-loads of residential treatment centers take insurance for those mental illnesses-but not BPD.

I am just really angry, really, really angry.

Ideas, thought? Advise?

Daisy123

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi Daisy123 

You have every right to be angry, I would be too, first with your DD’s behaviour and then the sheer frustration with the insurance not covering BPD. It’s a nightmare, I wish I could offer you ideas or advice, sadly because I’ve never had to deal with this kind of stuff, I just wouldn’t know where to start.

 I just want to let you know how deeply sorry I am that you’ve had to go through this and I hope that once your DD’s meds are sorted out, things will start to improve. Please keep us posted x 

[wendydarling]

Oh my gosh Daisy123     , I'm so sorry. You were already really stressed, this is the last thing you need. I really feel for you. You've every right to feel angry, angry, angry and upset. You work so hard, it must feel like being blindsided in all directions, at every corner right now.

I hope the meds change is the answer to these recent violent outbursts and things calm down very soon for you. What's your DD saying about her behaviour?

Advice? A heap full of self care right now, every minute of the day you can. That's a lot of chaos you've been living and I know myself how it turns our worlds upside down, on the edge exhausted by it all. Breathe ~ give yourself time, space.

Is your therapist helping you work this through?

WDx

[Merlot]

Hi Daisy123

It's quite frightening that BPD can manifest itself in our adult children being unable to think before they act; impulsivity at it's best.  I'm sorry that you're having to deal with being out of the frying pan into the fire every other turn.

While I don't have experience with meds, I can really relate to the violent rages and the total dysfunction that seems to result in managing crisis after crisis.  It's like your own mind is struggling to catch up... .i.e "what just happened".

I agree with Wendydarling, maybe a starting point is the meds and then possibly trying to unpack the other issues.  Are you able to put some boundaries around physical violence towards you.  You should not have to put up with this under any circumstances, the consequences could be disastrous.

Hang in there, I hope you and your husband can weather the storm until it passes and you can find some calm to re-assess and prioritise.  Deep breaths.

We're all listening

Merlot

[Daisy123]

Thanks Feelingbetter, Wendy and Merlot,
We told DD that she can’t use the car until further notice- that we are too uncertain of her rage while she titrates down off of her med, Effexor.
We also said in order to keep her phone, she’s got to get to the psychiatrist and psychologist. As for her violent outbursts, we said that we’d call the police if she attacks us again.

She just had yet another meltdown. She threw a plastic water bottle in her room and then proceeded to scratch herself. She said she felt like she wanted to kill herself or hurt herself. So her BF and I just sat with her till it passed. Ugh!

I put a call into a service that said they’d help me locate a residential treatment center that specializes in titrating people off
Of their psychiatric meds. We’ll see if insurance gives us the green light - they may not since she’s just been out of rehab in February.

I’m just going to have to hope. She’s just so out of hand at this point. She’s so easily irritated lately. Her symptoms of titrating down are less today- not as dizzy or confused as they say before- progress.
Sigh, breath, self care and hope this new development of violence ends soon.
Well folks, here’s to carrying on.

[Merlot]

Hi Daisy123

While things have peaked, it still sounds like you are still in the middle of a crisis.  I really commend you for putting some imminent strategies in place to mitigate and minimise harm to all; it must just be so exhausting and difficult.   It just goes to show how strong you are to be able to put everything in it's place, your own emotions in check, to see your daughter through to a calmer place.

Keep letting us know how you are going, it is so wonderful just to be able to talk and share the experience. I hope this eases for you soon, so that you can have some respite to manage the challenges ahead.

As you say, deep breaths, respite will be here soon.

Merlot

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Daisy, I am so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be. The violent outburts are really scary. Our daughter has physically attacked several people, but not us. The closest that came was destroying every photo of us together in the house.

The insurance thing is the worst most frustrating issue. It boggles my mind that people who need help the most can't get it and yet we have all these politicians talking about needing more mental health care in the wake of school shootings (not sure if you're in the US). I am not sure if there is even a word to describe how absolutely ludicrous it is.

I hope you can find residential treatment for her. I wish there was something I could say to help. Thinking of you and sending you hugs 

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy123

We've been wondering how you are doing, how's things?   Were you able to get any help via the service you mentioned.

WDx

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
Thank you all for the support and insights. It’s been a struggle. She’s nearly tapered off Effexor, but started having auditory hallucinations.
The violence has calmed a bit.

On Monday evening, she used my car to go to BF Home. She gets yelled at when she’s getting ready to leave, she’s half an hour late- I’m
Mad and calling her. She begins to have a panic attack
Behind the wheel with me on Blue tooth. She pullls over stating she felt very suicidal and is crying so hard I could barely understand her.
Husband and I jump in his car- I keep her on the line and talk with her, have her turn off car and remove keys. We get to her and she’s a hot mess. I drive her home at 10:30 at night. H has Tuesday off and stays with her while I go to work.

We’ve had another outburst on Wednesday. She and her BF argued. He came over to our home. Husband let him in and ran an errand without knowing they’d been feuding. Husband came back and all hell broke loose. My DD was slapped several times by BF. She ran down, grabbed a sharp knife and attempted to stab herself. Husband managed with the help of BF to get the knife away from her. Husband told BF to get out. Dd screamed about how BF had taken her mobile. Husband said he didn’t see mobile on BF as husband struggled to keep them separated. I was on the phone when this was going down so I called 911 from work. In the meanwhile BF did hide her cell and lied and said it was in her room. She’s screaming that he’s lying. My husband listened to BF over DD. Huge mistake.

BF leaves, husband and DD run upstairs to get her phone. She’s hysterical and enraged that husband didn’t listen to her because the phone was not upstairs. BF indeed had phone and took it with him. He doesn’t want her to have a phone- so that’s why he lied and took it.

DD punches husband right in the jaw and said he never listens to her and always believes BF. Loads of merit in that statement. BF calls us constantly to tell us what add is doing. Half of them are lies.

The police arrive. DD screams that they’ll have to drag her out. They talk to her and she goes into the ambulance cooperatively.

I arrive at Home, talk with husband and hope ER keeps DD or places her inpatient.

Dr says he doesn’t want to punish her by placing her in inpatient- she said she does not want
To hurt herself.
Dr says this was caused by domestic violence. He asks if she can come home. I say to her that things have gotten out of hand. DD agreed and I say- if you aren’t to go inpatient, you’ve got to make that call and get into residential. Husband comes in and it’s immediate reactive recoil I watch happen with my DD. He has such a negative affect on her- it’s incredibly noticeable.

Dad says she can’t come home- I say she’s agreed to go to residential and we make the phone call from the ER for an intake appointment.

She gets one for next Monday. We all go home. I have to work the next day. Husband takes the day off. We turned off her phone and blocked BF number on our cells.

So yesterday, Thursday, I get to work to have residential call us stating they have an appt for intake at 2:30. I work half a day, get home, beg DD to take this appt. She finally agreed.

They have their intake and wow all I have to say is she is beyond angry with her father. This is soo deep. Then they call me into the room saying they think she’s a candidate for residential EXCEPT that she has just begun to have auditory hallucinations. Thus need to check with the med staff to see if it’s okay.

So - good news is- I got a yes from residential and now waiting on Insurance. She could be placed by next Tuesday. She’s got to wake up- call and say yes- and then I’ve got to continue to work on insurance. Dd an I left home last night to take a break from husband. Staying at a Hilton for a few days.
Wheeew... .I’m relieved and will be even more relieved when insurance gives us the green light.
Thanks for asking about us. Deep breathes. Drop and relax the shoulders.

Daisy123

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy123

You are amazing Daisy hanging in there for your DD through all this.   I'm sorry you've had yet another heavy week of turmoil and trauma, this time with a hopeful outcome of residential when you can spend much needed time recuperating yourself. I'm crossing my fingers the green light is forthcoming.

How's your daughter coping with the auditory hallucinations, my daughter suffered for a while, she found it very disturbing, negative voice of 'George', it was at that time she voluntarily spent a month at the women's crisis home.

That's a great idea to take time out and give yourselves space to calm and self care at the Hilton.

I'm rooting for your girl and hope she arrives at the point it's time to get off the rollercoaster and find peace, it's waiting for her.

Are your employers continuing to be supportive, you've both taken time out at short notice and I know how that feels.

Hope.


WDx