Seriously, beat up by 3 year old

[Catlady3.14]

Okay, I don't like to spank. I have before and honestly believe that it only hurts the child.
So my husband has BPD.
my 3 year old spent 4 months being watched by him. I see so much of his temper he picked up!
Recently nap time and bed time have been hell.
I lay down tell stories. Talk cuddle and after 30 minutes  try to fall asleep. Baby kicks, hits, screams, rolls. Kicked me so hard in the eye once it when white for 30 solid seconds. Bruised my back he kicked me so hard. I am fragile with health issues and so it's really painful. The Times he has been really bad I had maybe 3 times popped his leg. Realizing that really doesn't work. I'm at my wits end.
Husband says NO to spankings.
However, when toddler kicks or get out of hand he pops him in the leg then tickles him and acts as if he doesn't spank.

So naps are awful. I tell him to stop, restrain his legs /arms protect myself. And if he doesn't stop. I lay in the floor away from him. Or if he really won't stop or stay in bed I leave him in the bedroom. Asking him every few minutes if he'd like to stop hitting and cuddle.
Husband yells, screams, calls names. And so on!

Help give me some advice here, how to handle husband and toddler.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Catlady3.14

I'm so sorry, you are at your wits end, that sounds like a very difficult situation, you are concerned about your child's behaviour and I agree spanking only hurts the child.

It sounds like you need support, speaking with someone who understands, can you and your H agree to reach out for help? It's best to reach out earlier than later.

WDx

[Catlady3.14]

hi, and thank you.

Husband is undiagnosed.
Hee refuses therapy or anything like that.

Husband not only disagrees but he literally changes his mind against what ever opinion I have. From seriously things like child rearing to what to eat.

He won't admit to smacking his leg. Then tickling him. But tells me I'm abusive to a 3 year old for leaving him in a room,spanking, or letting him cry.
 Not a chance I'd hurt my baby.
He does get scared but I sit by the door if I have to step away. And it has a night light too.

Am I in the wrong? How would you all handle your kids in this situation?

[wendydarling]

Hi Catlady3.14  

You are not doing wrong, there is no judgement here, you are safe here with parents, like you we are here working through our situations for us, our children. You are not alone  

Cat, you recognise your H and son's behaviour is challenging for you, am I right you feel in the middle, trying to do your best?

Cat do you have the one child?

WDx  

[Catlady3.14]

Thanks wendy,

Its hard to tell a 3 year old not to kick, scream and throw things when he sees that's how others deal with their anger.

I have 3 older kids but they are all with their other parents for the summer.
I do feel in the middle, I try not to interrupt husband when he is
Correcting baby but I think he acts the way he does because sometimes husband acts like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum... Slamming or and cussing and stopping off.

Emotional outburst are what I see baby has picked up from husband. He will say things like" no one loves me" , run off and throw himself down and cry.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Cat,

Are those words that your husband says?  If so, whether he is willing to admit it to himself or anyone else, he will be aware that his behaviour is being mimicked.  I have been having similar difficulties with my S4's aggressive behaviour which he picks up from his father.  I've been working on the strategies outlined in the book by Robert MacKenzie - 'Setting limits with your strong willed child.  Eliminating conflict by establishing clear, firm and respectful boundaries.'  Before I go into that though, are these incidents only happening at nap time predominantly?  I know you said bedtime as well, and are there any other times or is it just around sleep times?

It may be that your S3 is no longer needing a nap.  My S4 fought against nap time at age 2 1/2 and some children stop napping earlier than others.  I altered our routine and made his bedtime earlier so he gets enough sleep during the night.  Perhaps a shift in routine would alter his reaction to these things.  If he's not napping then he could be overtired by his bedtime which would cause him to act up again.  (Been there and it's awful!) 

My S4 will sometimes kick, punch and pull my hair, I try to think about the emotion that is causing that, without of course overlooking the need to correct the behaviour.  At their age it can be hard for them to know how to express their feelings and lashing out physically is quite natural, although alarming and sometimes very painful!  It is when he is mad or very frustrated (same thing in child appropriate terms) because he's not getting his own way. 

When things are calm and resolved we talk about these things and how he can manage his mad feelings in a better way.  I encourage him to come up with ideas himself.  We've found that whilst it's not OK for him to smash things or bang my stuff against the wall, get physical etc. it does help him to calm down if he is 'building'.  He has a workbench with little wooden bits and bobs, wooden tools etc and I've moved this to his room so that if he has to go and do a time out (10 minutes without question or warning in my home for doing something that could hurt someone) and he isn't able to calm down himself then he has the ability to safely do something to release that angry energy until he feels better. 

Overall, with practising the respectful boundaries outlined in the book I mentioned above, I'm finding his behaviour levelling out and much better altogether.  He needs, as do all kids, structure and stability in his life.  They need to be shown limits and those limits need to be maintained - calmly and without drama.  To know what to expect.  I find the mental phrase 'I am the adult and he is the kid' helps me a lot when I feel pushed to react rather than respond.  Kids of their age will push our buttons and test to see how far they can go. 

Would your husband buy into your leading on the management of S3's behaviour?  It would make a big difference if he were to follow the same strategies.  Unfortunately, using physical punishment will only reinforce the belief for S3 that when we're mad we hit.  It's not going to help to alleviate the behaviour if your husband is demonstrating contradictory behaviour.  I know it's a difficult situation for you.  Hold tight to your own limits.

Love and light x

[Catlady3.14]

Thanks HQ

Husband throws temper tantrums  but
The emotional out burst is from baby.
He is hitting a lot duri mg the day too.
I ordered some books from the library but we'll haven't got them yet.
It is multiplied at nap and bed. Husband is not happy with me not giving him a nap. But I'm not fighting him to get him to sleep. Husband has been giving him a nap. It he doesn't get one.

Husband got kicked today. He popped his leg, not hard. Baby didn't even notice... I didn't say anything while he was disciplining him.
But after wards I said that's a spanking. He said I slacked his legs off me I didn't touch his butt!
So apparently a spanking is only hitting on the bottom? No sense.
Smacking a leg, arm, butt, you name it is spanking.
At least to me.
I think he was just mad I called him on it as many mean things as he has dished out to me.

[Radcliff]

Catlady,

HQ has some great advice above.  Another book that might be good to read is "Transforming the Difficult Child:  The Nurtured Heart Approach."  One of the things I like about it is its emphasis on providing a lot of neutral comments to the child so they feel like you're paying attention and connected to them.  You can only give so many compliments before they become worthless, but there is no limit to the number of neutral observational statements, like "I see you're building a garage for your truck with those wood blocks."  He will feel like the garage building is important, and you've noticed.  This helps to counteract negative attention seeking.  You pair neutral observations with the drama-less consequences HQ speaks of.  It was a very helpful book for me to read; I highly recommend it.

Your son will also want attention from his father.  Do they have play activities they can do together, that you can encourage, so your son can get his father's time without acting out?

WW

[Catlady3.14]

He gets a lot of attention from husband an myself.
We're his only source of entertainment right now

I have found my son's weakness (pjmask cartoon)
 He loses his tv time if he hits or kicks out of meanness at nap or bed.
He rolls over and kicks the pillow for about 3 mins and he's good.
So far that is working! Yay!
Extended time for hitting and kicking we may have to do during the day. Because 3 minutes is a joke to baby.
I haven't been able to get to the library in a while but I am still waiting on some books I ordered. But I think this time without other kids is the time to redirect his behaviour.

Last night, I was trying to brush babies teeth.
He was of course resisting... husband kept fussing at me to not fight with him. And don't do it this way, stop this and acting like I was a child but not jumping in to help.
So I calmly said, "please stop."
He said what?
I said" please stop saying things like that it makes me feel like I'm a bad mom. "

Husband was mad. He then just ignored me and slept in another bed last night.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you're feeling better about the path towards improvement with his behavior?

That must have been frustrating to be criticized while in the middle of doing a tough task.  I don't remember when we stopped brushing our children's teeth, but I remember asking the dentist the question.  He said, "as long as they will let you."  I was amused by the answer since I was expecting an age or something.

WW

[Catlady3.14]

WW,
I do feel a bit better about babies behaviour.
He knows it is wrong and he knows he will lose his tvtime.
So far so good! Persistence!

Lol brushing teeth is a task for us with this one. And I worked a s a dental asst. Of course he will let the dentist do anything, just not us.
I sometime make my grown kids let me brush their teeth just to check their work
It was frustrating and annoying to listen to husband fuss but not offer any help.

Wentworth,
 I did get my husband to "replant a tree yesterday" Except it was painting!  Lol
Your wife's a genius. He was cursing under his breath and fussing about having to do it. But I think it made him feel very good.
I also notice when I start to put him to work. He starts looking for a paying job haha

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Radcliff]

I did get my husband to "replant a tree yesterday" Except it was painting!  Lol
Your wife's a genius. He was cursing under his breath and fussing about having to do it. But I think it made him feel very good.
I also notice when I start to put him to work. He starts looking for a paying job haha

Good memory!  And good "husband management" skills!  There should be a class for that... .

[Catlady3.14]

Lol that class would be worth taking haha!