Smooth sailing to age 18 was too much to hope for...

[ForeverDad]

Last time we were in court I got majority time during the school year.  I already had custody from a couple years before that.  It's been over 4 years since and we've managed to stay out of court.  Until now.

• Married for about 12 years before we had our son.  Yeah, I didn't know any better, I had hoped having a child would make her happy.  It just made things way more complicated as she morphed into "Me and Son against the World" mode.
• Separated 2005, son was over 3.5 years old.
• Divorce process 2006-2008 - nearly two years while I was alternate weekend dad with 22% time.
• Final decree 2008 - equal time in Shared Parenting, son was 6 years old by then.
• As expected, SP failed and after 1.5 years in court I became Legal Guardian, though GAL wanted her to keep her equal time so she could collect child support.  Son was 9 years old.
• As expected, equal time still failed and after 1.5 years in court I got majority time during the school year.  Court was more concerned about how she impacted school overall rather than her 'disparagement' of me.  Son was nearly 12 years old.
• Son is now 16.  School has ended.  I decided he should take driving school at his high school since the timing was right and it was local.

She ranted on the phone a week ago that she said No because she had grounded him due to classwork.  By the end of the last quarter he had C or above in all classes but one.  He is with me almost every day since she drops him off while she works.  This weekend is hers though she didn't get him Friday or Saturday but did take him this evening and overnight.  His driver classes start Monday morning, tomorrow.

However, I suspect she knows better than to rant again.  This evening he called me to say he wasn't ready (for driving school).  Yep, he can't stand up to a Force of Nature.  However, he had been looking forward to it ever since he got his temps last week.  I explained it's not his call, it's my decision and my boundary.  He can stay out of it.  (Yeah, like she would leave him out of it?)  I texted her to not obstruct my decision, that it would be expensive for both of us, worded as politely as possible but also firm.  No response.

I guess I'll see what happens tomorrow.  I'll already left a message to my lawyer.  I guess this is Contempt of Court matter?  That's likely to take up to 4-6 months.  It's possible she may get her way and delay things but then she'll look very, very bad to court.

[ForeverDad]

Brinkmanship worked.  She was determined.  I was determined.  But I had Legal Guardian on my side.  I have son now and am heading to Driver Class Day 1.

Unfortunately he got stuck in the middle, he's coming out of a state of emotional barrage from her, though ready for class of course.

[Panda39]

Nice job ForeverDad! 

Hope your son enjoys the class, such a right of passage.

Panda39

[whirlpoollife]

Agreed with Panda , great job!
Rolling eyes emoji for your xw . Doesn't she realize that the school offers this driving class to benefit the student to learn hands on safe driving and it lowers the cost insurance for the parent or student after he takes it? ( it does in my state)
It's not like he's being awarded a free car with free insurance for poor grades. It's a class.

[Nope]

The ability to drive represents one more step away from her and out of her control. It's not surprising she was telling him he wasn't ready. She is isn't reaifor him to have that autonomy and never will be. Good on you for standing firm in your decision and keeping him out of the middle as best you could. Hopefully he does eventually learn to stand up for himself.

[ForeverDad]

Twice earlier this year she had 'disowned' him (her words to him as passed on to me in mid-March & mid-May) and this may have been the third scenario.  First time he was in tears, second time she was in near tears, this time he was choked up.  He even removed apps & games from his phone Sunday night thinking he had lost it permanently, it's an extra phone on her account.

Each time the rejection lasted only a day, more or less.  This morning he did acknowledge, "You were right, it didn't last long."  I never heard him say she apologized for her intense raging or overreactions.  (That's what stopped happening in the final year or so of my marriage.)  Today I asked if she apologized (for crushing him emotionally) but he managed to divert the conversation, so I think not.

He remarked yesterday when I picked him up from his first class that she was okay with the classes now, he thought she had talked to one of her friends.  She had actually driven to the school and given him back his phone.

I don't recall refusals for driver school itself mentioned around here, I think it usually focuses on the vehicle, sporty or not, expensive or not, failing to share costs, etc.

[livednlearned]

Honestly, I find it terrifying that my son is learning to drive.

He's a good driver and very responsible. I don't worry about him being reckless and want him to be independent and autonomous.

Even so, I sometimes feel physically sick when he's driving.

On top of that, junior year of high school is so much more intense emotionally as a parent. All the college stuff, the exams, the leveling up to adulthood, moving out in a year or so... .I mean, gah.

It all went by so fast!

It's kinda amazing that your ex isn't dysregulating more, no?

I'm working overtime to encourage my son toward independence and adulthood, and emotionally it is gutting me at the same time.

And I'm even-tempered 

I can't imagine what this is like for someone with BPD.

[ForeverDad]

This evening I asked my son if he had talked to his mother, which he already had, and why he didn't call me much at all.

He replied, You are like steel and she is like glass.  He gets it.  He added, And I'm with you most of the time.