Daughter with suspected BPD presents as chronically suicidal. Glad to be here.

[canadian mom]

not sure where I start... .my 15 year old d has been in treatment off and on for the past 2 years.  It all started with being hospitalized for anorexia (heart complications, low bp and very low weight). She was in hospital for 2 1/2 months and we were able to refeed after this at home.  She continued to see a psychiatrist and tried a variety of meds for her co-morbid depression and anxiety.  She started to self-harm and express suicidal ideation and was once again hospitalized this time for 6 weeks.  We were assured at the time of her release that she would never act out on her ideations.  within 2 weeks of coming home she made her first suicide attempt.  She went back and forth to our local hospital before going into a secure treatment program where she remains.  We first heard of BPD during her 2nd hospitalization and though her clinicians will not diagnosis, they all agree that she certainly has many of the traits of BPD as well as depression, odd, ocd and severe anxiety.  The more I read about BPD, the more certain I am that my d has this.  My biggest issue at the moment though is that d appears and presents as chronically suicidal... .she has made multiple attempts (one resulting in a broken femur) and maintains that she will try again on her return home.
I am not sure of my question at this time but am just glad to know there are others out there dealing with the same issues... .though I truly wish none of us had to!  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi canadian mom,



Welcome to the community!  I'm very sorry to hear that your daughter is chronically suicidal. That is so hard to bear, especially after already going through so much.    You've found a great place for support.
Parents here understand the challenges of loving someone with BPD.

She is now in a secured facility, is that right? How long can she stay? Is her stay re-evaluated at regular intervals?

What kind of support system do you have, canadian mom? Can you lean on friends and family at times like these? Are they supportive?

Keep writing. It helps to share what you are going through. You are definitely not alone.

heartandwhole

[Panda39]

Hi canadian mom,

I'd like to join heartandwhole and say welcome to the BPD Family   

It sounds like your having a tough time with your daughter (putting it mildly  ).  Everyone here as a person with BPD or BPD Traits in our life and we get it.
 
I wanted to share a workshop (link) on Suicide Ideation that you might find helpful in terms of ideas and strategies and so you know are not alone in facing this... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

and a book that might help too... .

Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents, 2nd Edition: What To Do When Your Teen Has BPD: A Complete Guide for Families by Blaise Aguirre
 
How are you doing?  Are you being supported as you support your daughter?

Take Care,
Panda39

[canadian mom]

thank you for your welcomes... .
in response to your questions... .yes d is currently in a secure facility and is there by court order until September.  At this time the facility is telling us that because she has no behaviour (only threats and a bit of a plan), they do not plan to extend her stay. we  are looking at a residential program for her but it is voluntary and at this time she will not consent to going.  We are in the process of looking for further options.
my personal support system is wonderful... .parents, friends, other d are all extremely supportive and continually lend their shoulders and ears whenever I need them.
my frustration at this time is her resistance to therapy of any kind... .she does not believe she needs help/can be helped.  Also the system her in Canada (Ontario to be specific) highly values the rights of the child (great!) to the extent of allowing her no contact with us and she can refuse consent for the facility staff to share any information at all with us.  it feels like the rights of the child are outweighing saving her life.
I do think that if we can get her through the next couple of years (ie adolescence), that there is a light and  some perspective will come with maturity... .it's just getting us there.

Canadian mom

[Panda39]

It's good to hear that your daughter is in a safe place with Professionals that can work with her.  Is your daughter receiving DBT Therapy?

Link to more on DBT... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=149500.0

I'm glad to hear you are getting the support you need.  Being conscious of your own self-care and energy level is good, you can't assist your daughter if you don't take care of you.

I get your frustration over your daughter's control of the information that you are or aren't provided, that would be tough for me too, you care and being cut out of the loop has to be tough. 

In terms of getting her to see that she needs help you may not be able to change that, it's up to her.  The only people we can control are ourselves.  What you can do is learn some tools that can help you in terms of how you relate to and communicate with your daughter that can help improve things.

To the right is a box ---> and each item is a link to more information when you have time pick something that resonates and jump in.

Panda39

[Daisy123]

Hello Canadian Mom,
How frustrating for you - that residential is based on consent at such a young age.
 I, too, have a dd-20 that become suicidal at age 14 and has had, like so many of our children on this board, have had attempted. I’m just so sorry that you are having to go through this.
My thoughts are with you and your daughter,
Daisy 123

[Yepanotherone]

Just a quick hello from me Canadiamom as I go to my slumber   you are absolutely in the right place for support and a shoulder to lean on . My BPD daughter was 15 when first diagnosed , has had 7 hospitalizations with 3 of those being die to actual suicide attempts . She’s 18 now and things are so much better for her and for us as a family , and I do believe maturity and emotional development as she gets older has helped her move forward towards healing . Hang on in there , it does get better x

[canadian mom]

Thank you all for your words of hope and support.
it is nice to know, Yepanotherone that there truly is a light at the end of the teenage tunnel... .I have always believed and felt that there is. So good to hear that your d is doing better.

D has been repeatedly exposed to DBT... .she knows all the techniques but won't use them consistently - she says they don't work for her.  There are 2 that I have found to be helpful for her... .mindfulness and visualization.  She also relies a lot on distraction (which can be good and bad as it can lead her to avoid a bit too much).

I have read Dr. Aguirre's book (as well as many others) and feel that my D definitely has BPD (even though the clinicians won't diagnose due to her age. Though they do say she has the traits).  This is the diagnosis that best speaks to all her issues.  She very definitely sees the world on black and white/ all good or all bad.   We (most of the family) are currently in the all bad column and she is not speaking to us.
Truly not sure where we go from here.  Tough love sucks!

[luzinsleep]

Welcome canadian mom! 

I understand the multiple hospitalizations - our d has had 4 acute care (1 week stays) and 2 residential (first was 6 weeks and second was 5).  Our insurance sent her home this last time - earlier than I was ready for. I feel like it's sad that I'm a little jealous that you are guaranteed til September. We literally went for family therapy one day and took her home that very afternoon!

My d seems to feel like she deserves all of the bad things that happen to her.  Everything is so all or nothing - it's either smiles and positivity or the constant statements that she wishes she would die. 

I'm so sorry your daughter has had multiple suicide attempts.  It can really wear a parent out.  I have been told that when I talk about what we've been through, that I come across a little cold.  I think I'm just worn - and it always feels like a suicide attempt will hit when I least expect it - and that is terrifying.  I'm working on my game face though - because if it's a big reaction that is desired, then I want to do my best to not give one... .

15 is hard enough on it's own without all of this extra stuff.  If it didn't back peddle us, I'd have way more sympathy for what she is feeling. In our house, compassion has to be very blase - we just can't get excited one way or the other.

Life kind of feels like that old deodorant commercial "Never let them see you sweat"... .

[mothrof3+2+2]

i just spent the night last night in the ER with my 15 year old daughter who overdosed.  I totally feel for you.  I feel for our daughters too.  It must be so hard to live in a world where suicide looks like a good solution.  My daughter was ok.  They tested her blood and watched until the Tylenol levels went down.  This was her most serious attempt.  Luckily my daughter gets scared after she does things and calls for help.  She has tried to walk in front of the train two times before this but when she gets close, she calls for help.  She says she does not want to die but she wants the pain and sadness to go away.  It hurts so much. I don't feel like it is just for attention.  I think she is really struggling. Last night she called her brother to tell him she had taken pills who she knew would immediately call me. I in turn called 911.  The scariest thing for me is that a friend had given her the pills and when she took them, she had no idea what they were.  She just wanted and escape.  They let her come home after she was out of medical danger because she said she didn't want to kill herself.  I do believe she is stable at the moment but that changes so quickly.  She was seeing a good therapist but refused to see her again last week but now the hospital made her promise to to see her again if she did not want to go to a mental hospital.  She agreed to go so hopefully this will help.  I also have a 17 year old son who suffered from chronic suicidal thoughts and attempts.  He has been residential treatment centers for about the last 3 years and just got out last Friday.  So far he is doing ok.  He is living with my sister and brother in law about 4 hours away because the have no other children and can give him more attention and I really have my hands full with my daughter and the 3  younger children at home.  It is so hard to watch these children suffer and ride the roller coaster of constant crisis with them.  My heart goes out to you.