totally lost, please help, drunken daughter in pool with child and saying its ok

[Parents! Get help here!]

I get the juicing, I really do. I have done it myself in the past but only for 7 days, I missed my food too much to take it any further 

I am glad though that you don’t feel as unwell, so it could be working.

I’m sorry to hear that you were feeling overwhelmingly sad today, hope that you can ride it out, at least your Grandbaby will be a distraction for you tomorrow, and yes, she will appreciate being looked after by her Granny 

Take care x 

[Feeling Better]

I get the juicing, I really do. I have done it myself in the past but only for 7 days, I missed my food too much to take it any further 

I am glad though that you don’t feel as unwell, so it could be working.

I’m sorry to hear that you were feeling overwhelmingly sad today, hope that you can ride it out, at least your Grandbaby will be a distraction for you tomorrow, and yes, she will appreciate being looked after by her Granny 

Take care x 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi there Blueskyday

How are you today? I'm glad you came back for support, back in the heart of family  here I'm so sorry that must have been so frightening for your GD and you. Sounds like your DD is heavily self medicating on alcohol to take her pain away, she is saying it's ok, it's takes away her pain, not seeing the pain and chaos she's leaves behind.  Does she ever open up to you about her struggles?

I want to commend you for all you do for your granddaughter, it's so heartening to hear her reaching out to you, you validating her feelings helps her feel safe. I'm also loving how you both have fun together, it's exactly what kids need isn't it. It's those fun moments that really make a difference, she'll remember your fun together forever. Is there anyone else in her life who gifts her fun? I ask as I'm a single parent though come from a large family. I scratched my head when DD was born, um what do I do now (no local family). I reached out, that is what I did and I see the benefit of my and BPDDD's relationships nearly 30 years on, we are family. DD was diagnosed at 26yrs 2015, her family of friends support her every step, they love her and they understand, she's not alone. I'll be forever grateful to these kind people we invited to our lives, who have been here in our hour of need.

It's a difficult balancing act for you, DD and GD, is there anyone else in their lives who gets it? Are there any relationships you can help foster for your little GD?

I totally relate, if the job goes it goes ~ do share more how you are feeling about this if it helps, are you on paid sick leave, claiming disability support? Your self care definitely comes first.

A friend of mine was over night struck, ravaged by Lupus at 40, I understand, 20yrs on she is doing well, yes Lupus changed her life forever, she's a fighter like you, living her values.

WDx 

[Blueskyday]

Hi wendy,
sorry you've been through this isolation too. No, Grandbaby has no family other than me. Her conception was all done under the BPD umbrella. Her Father belonged to another woman and got aggrèssive when he found dd was pregnant. My lord that was a round of drama. His Gf got involved. The police got involved. Her Father has never seen her although he lives around the corner. Poor kid! His loss... .But my dtr was a bit to trigger happy in calling the police I fear.

My juice fast lasted 7 days as I too missed the food. Still 7 days was O.k. I have since found out that I have anaemia and its B12 so I must get that addressed. I can interperate the bloodwork and no GP nor the Professor at the Lupus Unit was going to highlight or treat it eek!

I wish I had a lab. Few Gps know about the  effect on mental health B12 anaemia has. They just dish out SSRI meds.I received a copy of my bloodwork today but it was done in April. 2 months later i can address the problem myself.

Thank you for stopping by. No i have no real wage at the moment. i am not claining from welfare either. I will get SSP and not pay a few huge expenses. Trying to return to work at the start of July. It will be O.k, or it won't. Yes such things are not worth worrying too much about.

It all comes out in the wash

[Radcliff]

Blueskyday, I've been catching up on your thread and am amazed at how much you are coping with.  Your granddaughter is so lucky to have you!  I have three daughters, and know that that is such a wonderful age.  I am glad you are enjoying your time with her!

As I was reading your thread, I read that you were isolated, and was thinking of suggesting Al-anon when I saw you mention it yourself.  I've been going for a few months, and have found a meeting near my home with a great group of supportive people.  It's a whole room full of people learning tools for dealing with out-of-control situations in their lives, and supporting each other.  I was happy to see that other than saying my name once when folks go around in a circle saying their names, I could stay completely quiet the whole meeting and just observe and listen.  Honestly, just sitting there with people and not feeling isolated was amazing.  The religious aspect of it is pretty light -- the environment is very accepting of folks with widely varying beliefs or nonbeliefs -- so if that is a concern for you, I wouldn't worry.

Take care of yourself, and let us know how you're feeling today!

WW

[Blueskyday]

Hey wW,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have literally been alone for 9 weeks. Well unless I have seen my dtr. Yes i have juggled so much. For once I have looked after myself tho. Its been hard to be a bit selfish but thinking you may have cancer can kinda change your perspective.

My dtr invited herself over to stay the other weekend. I think by way of apology she decluttered my house and cut my lawn. This has never happened. She was actually verbally sweet to me. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. The house was clean but not as orderly as I couldn't bend . So I went along with it and didn't have the conversation. Transpires she's gone and gotten herself a pool... .Wow! She has no extra money for this. I put my pool up at her behest and now have to maintain it.

So Grandbaby doesn't need to come here to swim. She's having a pool party tomorrow which is a drinking party of course. I guess she just doesn't really understand what she did and how dangerous her behaviour really was. I am concerned but relieved its not as big as mine. She can't thrash about drunk.

She was sweet to me for a time. She asked me to go over and help her yesterday. From the moment I got there she was abrupt. I felt like crying. She had forgotten the chemicals and threw a fit about cancelling her plans... Lots of "you just don't get its" flew around. " I don't have the effing money for this"
 She wanted me to "offer" to drive 4 miles to get the stuff or give her the stuff she gifted me. I would have ended up with 12 feet of green slimey water and told her so. I can't deal with that. It wasn't pleasant.

 I slept over, mainly as I was so tired but felt unwelcome. Grandbaby begged me to stay. I took her to school this morning, brought the dog and still not enough. She was hinting for me to "offer" to go out of my way to take her to work, blamed me for making her late because there was traffic. Its a step on and a step off a bus fgs. She got her bus fine.

Were having a heatwave and I told her the dog is too hot and dog is bored.The dog misses the child. She said I am always complaining whenever I take the dog.

I dunno. She probably resents me not giving her my chemicals and dealing with 12x12 of slime. Her friend "offered" to pay for expensive chemicals to be delivered. I know how these "offers " come about... I said I would go for her as I have a car if they were nearer but 4 miles is just too far. She said it didn't matter.

Back to work Monday, dreading it! But on a more positive note... .I have students arriving Sunday so hosting will help with the money issues. I don't think my dtr will ever lose this resentment towards me. I need to make more of a life for myself.

I am so humbled and cheered by the kindness I have found here.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart Xx

[Feeling Better]

Hi Blueskyday

How nice of your daughter to declutter and cut your lawn for you, a lovely turnaround there.

You sound like you will soon be very busy what with hosting students and starting back to work on Monday. I hope that it all goes well for you.

You say that you don’t think that your daughter will ever lose the resentment that she feels towards you. How does that make you feel?

Making more of a life for yourself sounds good to me and I have to admit that for me, I find that a really difficult thing to do, I’m still working on it.

Hope you enjoy the weekend before work on Monday x 

[Blueskyday]

Hey feeling better.
I can so relate to your finding it hard to make more of a life for yourself. I just wanted to be with my family. I am a simple soul. I dont do well around strangers though people see my shy nature as aloofness. I have just been through so much in my life. I've seen too much to trust people without proof that I can. I learned the hard way.

It makes me so sad feeling better. She's just so negative towards me as a default. I know I wasnt that bad a Mother. She is unable to feel any empathy towards me. I know the minute I die she will feel the loss acutely. I do so much for her and she just does not appreciate me.

It was sweet of her to do my house. Shes not gone out of her way for me like that ever. It didnt last long. I just called them about bringing the dog back and she could barely say a word to me.

We all need love and appreciation

[Radcliff]

I was excited to hear about your good day with your daughter but sad to hear that the good times passed.  The nice treatment that quickly shifts back to the not nice treatment hurts so much.

You deserve to have more support.  Have you given any more thought to going to an Alanon meeting?

WW

[Blueskyday]

Hey WW,   thanks for stopping by. Yes, I was waiting for the chance but finances aren't great. The parking is so expensive where it is in the City and I couldnt do the bus with my spine. Now with the students arriving I will need to be here as its at dinnertime, awe man. I don't know how I can possibly get there now.

I took the dog back today. Grandbaby begged me to get in her pool with her. I cleaned it out for her and she made a whirlpool so I could catch any bits with my net. She squealed with delight. My dtr went inside ( taking advantage of me being there) whilst we played.

 I had a hair doo and she was not pleased I chose to spend money as she's spent all of her money. I can not bail her out this month and I have a right to spend my money on whatever I like. I need to be smart for work.

She moaned and complained, nagged at me, the child and the dog. I dunno! I gave my Grandbaby some money I owed her for getting a certificate at School and Dtr wasn't pleased.My Grandbaby tried to give me a pack of crisps to bring home with me ( cost maybe 10p?) and her Mother actually said "We cant be giving food away, we have no money".Well there would have been plenty of booze and food at the party Friday, somehow that was paid for. Thank God I had dinner before I went, shocking behaviour! That child should not be hearing this.  I just can't keep bailing her out which is probs the current resentment. I'm clearly not helping by giving her money when shes short. She spends whatever comes in. She owes her friend £400.00 which is a huge amount to borrow. She keeps telling me in anger how her finances are but I didn't get her there.

Feel so alone this side of the net . I am so glad I can come here. I wish we could all sit in a room and have a chat. "hugs". Hope you all are feeling O.K out there

[Merlot]

Hi blueskyday

Just wanted to pop by and check in on you.    I'm really glad you've found us and are able to talk about what's going on, it's a lot for you I know and we really do care.

I am a simple soul. I dont do well around strangers though people see my shy nature as aloofness. I have just been through so much in my life.

I can really relate to this, I think sometimes when we are exhausted from the crisis in our lives, we draw that perimeter in around us as a protective mechanism.  It's almost like we get back to survival mode, which means we have little more to give other than to ourselves or our very close love ones; and you are doing just that with granddaughter and she will always love you.  It truly is difficult to put yourself out there, be up beat and smile, as though life is just humming along, when clearly it's not.

But the good news is, that you are building friendships here with people who understand and will walk alongside you and that's a great place to be. 

She's just so negative towards me as a default. I know I wasnt that bad a Mother. She is unable to feel any empathy towards me. I know the minute I die she will feel the loss acutely. I do so much for her and she just does not appreciate me.

I was commenting on another member's post this week as I had been reflecting how I really believe that my daughter loves me deeply and that any perceived negativity towards her, from me, about her behaviour evokes her rage.  She wants me to love her so completely, even with her behaviour, as anything else is just unacceptable to her, it really seems to spark that rejection/fear of abandonment issue for her.

My DD27 is also unable to show empathy towards me and is oblivious to how much we have done and how exhausted we are from her actions.  I hear this so often from parents on the board.

I was so happy to hear that you have been able to do some nice things for yourself and that your daughter did something for you too.  It's also very uplifting to hear the wonderful momentos of grandmother/grandchild interactions, as I'm cut off from my GD1 and miss that opportunity so much.

I hope you are feeling better with your juicing :-)

Take care
Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hey feeling better.
I can so relate to your finding it hard to make more of a life for yourself. I just wanted to be with my family. I am a simple soul. I dont do well around strangers though people see my shy nature as aloofness. I have just been through so much in my life. I've seen too much to trust people without proof that I can. I learned the hard way.

I can relate to that Blueskyday, I’m a simple soul too and sometimes struggle around strangers but I’ve found that posting on here and interacting with others has helped me a lot. I’ve also come to realise through recent counselling that being told repeatedly when I was a child that no one would like me because of my behaviour and that I wouldn’t have any friends, had led me to believe that. It’s really hard to shake off that belief, it’s another thing that I am working on  
I’m so sorry to hear that you have been through so much in your life that has caused you to not trust people without proof, I can see how that would impact on you around strangers  

It makes me so sad feeling better. She's just so negative towards me as a default. I know I wasnt that bad a Mother. She is unable to feel any empathy towards me. I know the minute I die she will feel the loss acutely. I do so much for her and she just does not appreciate me.

Blueskyday, I feel your sadness. How true your words are. I wish however, that I felt as you do, that my son will feel the loss when I die, but I fear now that he will not.

It was sweet of her to do my house. Shes not gone out of her way for me like that ever. It didnt last long. I just called them about bringing the dog back and she could barely say a word to me.

We all need love and appreciation

Yes, we all do need love and appreciation. I would ask for a bit of respect too.

I’m glad that you acknowledge her kindness in doing your house for you, take it for what it is, you knew it would be short lived but don’t let that detract from the fact that SHE DID IT.

I had a hair doo and she was not pleased I chose to spend money as she's spent all of her money. I can not bail her out this month and I have a right to spend my money on whatever I like. I need to be smart for work.

Yes, Blueskyday, you are spot on, you do have the right to spend your money on whatever you like. Do you see that as being a boundary for you?

I just can't keep bailing her out which is probs the current resentment. I'm clearly not helping by giving her money when shes short. She spends whatever comes in. She owes her friend £400.00 which is a huge amount to borrow. She keeps telling me in anger how her finances are but I didn't get her there.

I think that you are spot on again.

Feel so alone this side of the net . I am so glad I can come here. I wish we could all sit in a room and have a chat. "hugs". Hope you all are feeling O.K out there

What a lovely thing to wish for, all sitting in a room and chatting away, at least we have the next best thing here. In some ways better actually because we can come here any time, day or night. As Merlot says in her post, you are building friendships here with people who understand and will walk alongside you, and I definitely agree with her, that’s a good place to be x  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Radcliff]

Blueskyday, I am glad you are here.  It is so nice to see the care and empathy that's possible here, as expressed by Feeling Better and Merlot.  I was particularly struck by Merlot's thought about how our children need us to love them even when they are not getting along with us.  That can be really hard to do sometimes, since we are human!  D17 is very upset at me now and I don't have very much contact with her, yet I love her deeply.  I know she needs me to be open and ready to connect at all times, and that's where my heart is, but it still can be quite discouraging.

It sounds like Al-anon will be a long term goal.  Enjoy the students!  Perhaps if you're able to get to Al-anon a few times, you could set up a carpool with some folks and split parking expenses.  They may pass around a phone list, and there's also typically a time at the end of the meeting where they encourage newcomers to say their names and talk if they like (it's optional).  You could mention that you're looking for carpool buddies.  People often chat one-on-one after the meetings, so that's a good time to make connections.  If you're shy, this may all seem like a bit much, but there will be many people there who never thought they'd go, are shy, and were nervous at their first meeting -- they will make you feel welcome.

WW

[Blueskyday]

Awwe, feeling better I know this is such an amazing place with equally amazing people. What on earth would I have done without you all. I truly dont know. Sending you a hug

Well my luck appears to have changed. I let my room from Sept onwards today to a University student who gave me her deposit today.

The language students are in and are adorable. Oddly the 3 of us are really comfy together after less than 5 hrs together. I seem to be O.K with young people. They are 18 and 19... Sweet girls and its nice having life in the house. They are so positive.

I spoke to my manager Friday and I am having a phased return so this week I finish at 12pm daily and for two weeks after that a little earlier. The student money will roll in and I have a guaranteed income when they leave.

A huge part of me wants to bail my dtr out and feels guilty but I know I shouldn't. I'm covering the lost wage but there are still bills due.
I know she will tell me she can't afford food any minute now and I will cave because of the child. I will try not to cave too much if that happens, cover the food and no more. I couldn't let the child go without food because my dtr was negligent. Proving a point on this wouldn't benefit me or my Grandbaby.

 I'm dreading returning to work . 9 weeks off is a long time.

Feeling better I was raised by 2 alcoholics and got the same. My Father died and my Mother was awarded a megga fortune. She married a monster who wanted our money, abused and beat us all. My Mother emotionally checked out when my Father died but she didn't drink till he came along. I was ugly, stupid etc etc... .I was nothing like they said I was. We realise on a level but deep down a part of us believes this stuff. I have moments when Dtr is verbally abusing me and I wonder how I taught her so well she could treat me this way?

I feel your warmth and kindness through your posts. Surely this is the hardest way to communicate. Thank you

[Blueskyday]

Ww, yes exactly! We need to be Teflon but if we were we wouldn't be human. They wouldnt like that either.


Wize words from merlot. Forgive me I don't think I responded to you. I did read it all and appreciate the post

The children we love are asking of us the impossible. I am sorry your dtr is not really speaking to you. I must admit tho to being clearer headed since "poolgate" and my Dtrs ultimate rejection of me as a Parent. She did one really nice thing, amazing thing but then went back to her resentment of me. I would like love and affection but she hasn't said she loves me since she was 10.  The more rejection I feel the more sadness engulfs my heart and another little piece of me chips away. At least we aren't being eroded when were ignored.

Interestingly I discovered that my B12 is low. I have perked up since supplementing with mega doses. I'm thinking that my depression  also stopped me from being able to find a way to get to Alanon. Logically I know we find a way if we want something enough. Maybe I will be able to get myself there the week after this. The students can warm a meal or have a salad one evening. My spine is improving so maybe I can bus it in... Thanks WW. I know that reaching out will help me. I trust the people I met at the Alanon. They were all just the same as me.

[wendydarling]

Hi Blueskyday

Wishing you a gentle return to work this week  . 9 weeks out is a long time. Your employers sound empathetic and this is good! We are all here for you.

WDx

I spoke to my manager Friday and I am having a phased return so this week I finish at 12pm daily and for two weeks after that a little earlier.

[Merlot]

Hi Blueskyday 

Poolgate !  (I love that term!)  Brought a smile to my face 

The more rejection I feel the more sadness engulfs my heart and another little piece of me chips away. At least we aren't being eroded when were ignored.

After coming here for six months, it still amazes me that I find comments that mirror how I have felt/or feel.  Last time I was in my home state, I did not want to reach out to my daughter as each previous time, I had been rejected amidst abusive commentary (I hate you commentary), and it strips something away, even when it's not personal.  But intrinsic to BPD, when she found out I was there, she couldn't believe I hadn't contact her (I love you don't leave me commentary), so I did contact her via txt, only to be abused again. 

So, your point is extremely valid that we don't deserve to be abused or spoken to in ways that are unacceptable to us and I have certainly let my DD know this, while validating her feelings and telling her I love her.

I'm enjoying your reflection Blueskyday and your small steps to move forward and create a better space for yourself, and I hope your work re-integration is going well for you.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Merlot

[Radcliff]

Poolgate, that's funny!   I'm glad to hear that discovering your B12 issue has helped.  I hadn't realized that you'd been to an Al-anon meeting so you know what to expect.  That's great!  I'm sure the students can warm up a meal one night!

WW

[wendydarling]

I'm sure the students can warm up a meal one night!

Nice one WW, I'm taking it further than warming it up  , Blue how about giving them one food budget to buy and cook a cultural dish, it maybe mixed, a heartful feast. I know that whenever I've been hosted in someone's home I wanted to give back and share, it's a good way to get to know each other and CHILL.

WDx

[Blueskyday]

Haha, yes "Poolgate" makes me giggle too 

Awwe you guys... .

[Feeling Better]

Hi Blueskyday

It’s really great to read of so many positive things happening in your life right now. What a turnaround! I hope that you are feeling proud of yourself right now 

The phased-in work schedule sounds just perfect.

 

A huge part of me wants to bail my dtr out and feels guilty but I know I shouldn't. I'm covering the lost wage but there are still bills due.
I know she will tell me she can't afford food any minute now and I will cave because of the child. I will try not to cave too much if that happens, cover the food and no more. I couldn't let the child go without food because my dtr was negligent. Proving a point on this wouldn't benefit me or my Grandbaby.

Ok, I get what you are saying, I too feel guilty at times trying to maintain boundaries but remember, the boundaries are for you, your wellbeing. You could still maintain your boundary regarding helping her out financially by letting her know that you don’t want her to ask you for money because if she does the answer would be no. But then if you felt that you wanted to help her at some point, you could because you would then be in control and it would be your choice to help her. Does that make sense? I’m not sure if that’s still maintaining your boundary by doing that, I’m still learning myself. Maybe someone else will chime in and let me know.

I’m signing off now, it’s late. Hope your first day, or should I say half day,  back at work went well x 

[Radcliff]

We have a useful page on setting boundaries.

One of the very important keys to setting and maintaining boundaries is that they must appear consistent to the other person.  People adapt and can learn to operate within the "rules of the road."  If the "rules" keep changing, it can seem arbitrary and upsetting and lead to lots of drama.  If you say you won't help with bills, including food, but later decide it's OK to help because you want to, it does in fact seem to the other person like you're in control, and they'll wonder why you couldn't help the other times.  They may feel manipulated.

So consistency is very important with boundaries, and boundaries are more about defining our actions in response to a situation than about controlling others.  The book "Boundaries," by Cloud and Townsend also describes boundaries as people carrying their own reasonable loads, and others helping them only in exceptional circumstances.

The question of how to enforce financial boundaries with the daughter when one is worried about the granddaughter getting food is a tough one worth some discussion.  Given what's been said above about boundaries, what different approaches could be taken?  This is tricky enough and far enough outside of my sandbox, that I'm hoping you gals will all talk first! 

WW

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

We have a useful page on setting boundaries.

One of the very important keys to setting and maintaining boundaries is that they must appear consistent to the other person.  People adapt and can learn to operate within the "rules of the road."  If the "rules" keep changing, it can seem arbitrary and upsetting and lead to lots of drama.  If you say you won't help with bills, including food, but later decide it's OK to help because you want to, it does in fact seem to the other person like you're in control, and they'll wonder why you couldn't help the other times.  They may feel manipulated.

So consistency is very important with boundaries, and boundaries are more about defining our actions in response to a situation than about controlling others.  The book "Boundaries," by Cloud and Townsend also describes boundaries as people carrying their own reasonable loads, and others helping them only in exceptional circumstances.

The question of how to enforce financial boundaries with the daughter when one is worried about the granddaughter getting food is a tough one worth some discussion.  Given what's been said above about boundaries, what different approaches could be taken?  This is tricky enough and far enough outside of my sandbox, that I'm hoping you gals will all talk first! 

WW

Thank you WW, when I re-read my post today I realised that I hadn’t expressed myself very well. I didn’t intend it to mean control of the person, rather control of the finances, however I do see what you mean about consistency. Your point about withholding financial help in one instance but giving it when it suits leading to the other person wondering why they couldn’t have been helped the other time makes total sense to me. I hadn’t looked at it in that way before, so thank you for pointing that out.

Yes, trying to set financial boundaries with the daughter whilst worrying about the grandchild has to be one of the toughest things to do, and if I’m honest, I would, like Blueskyday has said she would, probably cave in too.

[Blueskyday]

Oddly maybe I totally understood what you meant feeling better. I do also understand the point about control WW. In answer to your Q, I haven't made a boundary about lending her money. I do not offer so she has to ask. Offering can also lead to resentment weirdly enough... .

I dont want to control anything about her. That ship had sailed long ago. Last week she spent her food money ( I know now ) on stuff for the pool party. It was a done deal. The child can't go without food because she has low impulse control. I've been trying for 20 years almost to show her how to be more responsible. She managed for a while... .When she got angry with me over "poolgate" her instinct was to make sure she had her own pool but she didn't realise the total cost. Her actions were driven by anger... .I dunno!

Bang on que she asks me for money. I make her pay it back though. The child needs food. I've learned to pick my battles. I couldn't function thinking the child was without food.

Work is O.k. Im spending all afternoon in the pool . Students are sweet but exhausting... ."Please repeat? " haha... .Up at 6am every day... .The pain in my spine is all but gone... Then I slid off of a giant beach ball. I've  hurt my foot and calf but I will live.Things are O.K.


I will have the Grandchild over the weekend. She is fun and so sweet to me. It should be nice and relaxing... No one dissecting my character or my appearance as DD wont be here.  I still can't get over her telling the child not to give me a pack of crisps... .Not even veiled resentment and then she asks me for money. I am watching her behaviour towards me and she can tell. I was told off for thanking a driver for letting us cross the street. She's been ripping into me constantly. I just say "Uhu". Then I am told I am hypersensitive . I refuse to bite.

It would never cross my mind to critique a persons idiosyncrasies to their face verbally. I think its a huge red flag so she's teaching me. Grandbaby knows its wrong and gives me a look. She adores me. I wonder what she makes of her Mother's nonesense.

Wishing you all a pleasant stress free evening

[Radcliff]

Hmm... .OK, official advice, no more sitting on beach balls!    Glad you are on the mend from that!

The situation you're in with granddaugher and daughter reminds me of a situation when coparenting with someone with BPD.  You want to support the child in growing up healthy, but also need to support their bond with the parenting partner (her mom, in this case).  I have found these situations to be pretty tough to navigate sometimes.  What are your thoughts on your situation?

WW

[Blueskyday]

Hmm... .OK, official advice, no more sitting on beach balls!    Glad you are on the mend from that!

The situation you're in with granddaugher and daughter reminds me of a situation when coparenting with someone with BPD.  You want to support the child in growing up healthy, but also need to support their bond with the parenting partner (her mom, in this case).  I have found these situations to be pretty tough to navigate sometimes.

WW

Haha, it is a huge ball as well

Yes, this is a huge problem. A child needs to love its Mother. She used to confide in me about how her Mother was upsetting her. She then told me she hears her Mother repeating what she had told me. In her little brain she totally knew I had shared... .She doesn't speak about it much now.

I was trying to tell my dtr how she felt so they could be closer.I wanted us to be on the same side but have the child have an outlet. Dtr cant be trusted and clearly neither can I . Poor kid.

I wouldn't tell  again... If I love my Granbaby truly i won't hurt her by alienating her affection for her Mother but i wont gaslight her either... .poor baby

[Radcliff]

What you did was totally understandable!  It would have been the right way to go if your daughter could keep it between adults and use that information in a mature way.  I'm sorry it hasn't worked out like that.

You are a very important figure in your granddaughter's life.  You can encourage her confidence and resilience without undermining her mom.  Simply by telling her you believe in her, and emphasizing specific qualities about her that you appreciate, you are making a huge difference for her.  Listening to and validating her feelings is also important.  You don't want to encourage her to talk to you about her mom, but you can encourage her to talk to you about anything on her mind.

Have you apologized to her for sharing what she shared with you, and said you won't do that in the future?  You can promise to keep her confidences in the future, though one sticky issue is safety.  But you might not want to tell her that you'll have to tell others if there's a safety problem because then she might hide a safety problem from you. 

Perhaps you could say something like, "It's very important for you to know that you can talk to me about anything at all, any time you want to.  I am here to support you.  Any feelings you share with me I will keep totally secret.  If things ever got scary enough that we thought we needed some extra help, we might have to ask for it, but I would do everything I can to talk with you first."

Notice that the careful wording gives you an out if there is a true emergency and you don't have time to talk to her.  She might not remember it, but all you can do is communicate your best.

WW

[Blueskyday]

WW, thank you.
Your wording is beautiful and so easy to understand. I will gently tell her tomorrow.

She said, maybe a year ago. "Grandma, I heard mummy and she was talking about what I said to you, exactly the same Grandma!"... .Busted... I glossed over it but she stopped confiding in me so much... Hmmm

 She knew and she knew I knew she knew

Maybe she will forgive me. I know she won't forget. She's so clever. She's so switched on. The other day she told me she likes big boobs and added that she wanted great huge boobs when she grew up. I asked why and quick as a flash she replied. "I will be popular  I love her.

Home again and nursing my bruises  from the ball. My lilo arrived so hopefully I wont fall off that

[Harley Quinn]

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