Looking for help with daughters behavior

[Phobos]

I am new to this forum but so far looking around has provided a lot of great information and lots of hope.

We have a large family and have always been close.  Lots of family support around us and a strong faith background.  My wife and I around four years ago noticed a pattern around our daughter's interpersonal relationships.  They were often extremely intense and overly affectionate often leading to a longer-term issue as the other party would often look for space and subsequently part ways as our daughter found this a difficult thing to take.  Our daughter often did things to meet an external expectation of how she should act and seemed often bitter after about acting in this way.  We often talked to our daughter openly about these things trying to help her understand how she was making people feel and the signals she was sending.

Around three years ago we noticed a marked change in her behaviour and her isolating herself more and wilder swings in her emotions.  At a certain point we realized she was in an abusive relationship that we had warned her against but in hindsight, of course, this precipitated the increase in the attachment.  We moved her out of the school to deal with the issue placing her in a school that was much smaller and this ended that relationship.  In the next year she seemed to settle down but went through another relationship that was extremely difficult for us (I am sure for her it was even more difficult) because it was a friend of the family and eventually despite her threats to harm herself he decided to leave her, she was devastated.  We started to seek help at this point as we had to see her threats as a reaching out for help. 

We went through a number of therapists at the university she attended and at this time she left school.  She stayed at home as became more stuck in a cycle.  She has kept a number of part-time jobs and has done well.  In her words, she is able to mask things very well.  She went to psychiatrists and psychologists and went through a number of drugs to see if anything would help and nothing seemed to.  She became more frustrated with the process and its seeming lack of results.  She also suffered from severe panic attacks several times ending up in hospital.  These seem to be under control now.  Sorry that this post is all over the place but it is really the first time I have reflected on all of this typing it out and I won't lie it is very difficult. 

She was seeing a therapist for a year that seemed to help her overcome her anxiety but at the end of a year, she seemed to become empowered from her lack of anxiousness and felt free to make some really wild decisions.  She had met someone online and within a month wanted to travel out of the country to go and visit him.  This was a huge issue for us due to the seeming lack of care for her own safety.  In talking it through she ended up allowing me to go with her and spend a week, me at a hotel all day while she visited her new boyfriend but seemed deeply embittered by this.

After returning home she became less and less involved in family life and recently ran away to go return to her boyfriend for two weeks... .at this point I realized not only she needs help but I do too... .  I need to be helped to understand how I can help her understand that we love her.

There was never any real diagnosis other than one psychiatrist who mentioned BPD and then many people were suggesting to her to look into this dialectic behavioural therapy and as I was reading up I came across this site... .here I am

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Phobos, welcome to the bpdfamily

Im sorry that these issues have led you here but you are in the right place for support and guidance, and its great that you care about both your daughter and family so much.

So much of what you describe is so very familiar to parents/members here, and we often arrive here at a pint of crisis or needing validation and direction.

There are a few really good books that will help you to understand BPD, you may locate some of your experience in this reading, and without a diagnosis, I would encourage you to articulate your concerns with a therapist.

Shari Manning "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder", and Randi Kreger, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger.

Personally, I have found a holistic approach which includes self directed learning, a therapist and support crom close friends to work for me. 

Importantly, I have so valued the input from parents here as they completely "get it"  and Ive benefited so much from their journies and wisdom.

Please lool after yourself, BPD (traits of BPD) pesent as significant challenges, that requires self care and resilience.

We look forward to hearing more from you. Take care
Merlot