Overwhelmed by my teen daughter's defiance

[luzinsleep]

Hi all!

My almost 16 year old dd displays a lot of the signs of BPD.  I am just looking for support, some guidance on boundaries (how to set them, how to enforce them, what's reasonable, etc) and to just generally know I'm not alone.  My dh is out of state this month for job training and in 3 days, she has had 2 meltdowns and walked out of the house.  I'm just feeling very overwhelmed and need support.

I bought these two books last night:  
I Hate You - Don't Leave Me
stop walking on eggshells

It's nice to "meet" you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi luzinsleep

I can really hear how fed up you are and please know you are not alone, and we are glad you are here.

Teeangers can be challenging at the best of times, but when they present with behaviour that seems to push us to our limits and we feel there is something more, it is a great idea that you have reached out for support. 

I have read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it was really useful for me to locate my BPD daughter in there. I nearly cried with relief that I wasnt going mad. Everyone just used to say she was "difficult" or that we had a personality clash... .I knew it was so much more.

What are your current support arrangements? Without a diagnosis, it may useful for you to talk to a therapist about your concerns to consider options qnd next steps.

So many parents here can relate and we all help each other by sharing our cirrcumstances and steps we've taken to make positive  changes.

There is also much information to the right

We look forward to hearing from you soon
Hugs to you
Merlot

[luzinsleep]

Current support arrangements for myself?  Typically having my husband to tag team when it gets exhausting standing firm, and then I have a few friends I talk to.  That's about it for me.  Honestly - I don't have time or the resources for myself a therapist when most of both of those things go to dd for her treatment.

My dd has been hospitalized 6 times since the beginning of 2017.  She doesn't currently have a BPD diagnosis, but her last RTC psychiatrist did give her a book about it to read.  And even she sees herself in it.  I guess that's the hardest part for me - when she is calm, she can see these issues and has the desire to work on them.  But when she isn't - she is hateful, demanding, accusatory, and in all honesty, manipulative with "symptoms" that get her her way.  I'm not sure when to believe her or not these days because things seem to "manifest" whenever she wants something that I won't give in to.

Lately she has become defiant - walking out of the house because I have told her that she is not to see a boyfriend who will not leave marijuana alone (which was an agreed upon part of our contract when she came home from the RTC).  She is testing clean, but that's not to mean it will stay that way.  I'm not sure how to set the boundaries and keep them when she just leaves.  All of her past suicide and major self harm events have followed a fight with me, so I want to be firm, but am still a little fearful of setting her off.  Hospitals are expensive and we have been made to take her to them, and at this point, I don't think they offer much more in the way of help... .

I have learned to stay calm (mostly), to not yell or accuse, and to always remind her that I'm here and support her.  But I am also at a point where I am not going to be her doormat when she doesn't get her way.  Until the last couple of years, I did not have a bad relationship with her at ALL, so this is new, confusing and incredibly painful... . 

She has a psychiatrist she sees monthly for medication management, a therapist who she sees roughly every couple of weeks, and me.  She has lost most of her friends that she had prior to all of this beginning. The friends that she DOES have all have some pretty unnerving issues of their own and I'm not sure are relationships that are healthy for her AT ALL.  She struggles in school, and I struggle to get the school to offer her the support she needs.

I'm going absolutely nowhere with this post.  I'm not sure what to ask or where to start.  Hopefully tonight I will be able to sit down and read and learn some things from parents who have walked this path before me.

[Blueskyday]

The good news is that she can see herself at times. The bad news is the guilt that this will trigger in her. My DD thinks that I spend my waking hours waiting for her to attack her when her defences are down. She is 28 now. I have dealt with this alone since she was 10. It is exhausting.

My advice would be to focus on rescuing triggers for yourself. Its hard not to rescue and allow them to face the consequences. I made so many mistakes, all with the best of intent. My DD verbally abused me so badly and I was disabled that I was advised to turn her out. I was so unwell that her abuse prevented me from making a living, having friends or relationships. I became so depressed I was suicidal.

My heart goes out to you as there is no pain quite like this

[201lady]

So sorry to hear about your daughter. My wife and I are are going through some similar struggles. Both books that u have purchased are very good to help u better understand your daughter and how better to relate to her during these hectic times.

[Merlot]

Hi luzinsleep

I'm not sure when to believe her or not these days because things seem to "manifest" whenever she wants something that I won't give in to.

This is such a significant challenge for us as parents.  It is so difficult when we are faced with challenging behaviours which include lying, emotional manipulation and abuse, the need for control in the BPD child that plays right to the heart of our souls as parents, and to which we give in so many times to rescue our children.  I really do commend you in not giving into certain things.  This is so important, as it is your value proposition that defines who you are and allows you to set boundaries to maintain your own integrity , it's just so hard when it's our child who makes us question this fundamental position, and I totally get that. Stay strong here!

All of her past suicide and major self harm events have followed a fight with me, so I want to be firm, but am still a little fearful of setting her off.  Hospitals are expensive and we have been made to take her to them, and at this point, I don't think they offer much more in the way of help... .

While I don't have direct experience with suicide, many parents here have.  But I have read a book by Shari Manning, "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" which really goes to the heart of this issue; you may find some solace here.

I have learned to stay calm (mostly), to not yell or accuse, and to always remind her that I'm here and support her.  But I am also at a point where I am not going to be her doormat when she doesn't get her way.  Until the last couple of years, I did not have a bad relationship with her at ALL, so this is new, confusing and incredibly painful... .  

Wow!. you are really taking control here and I wish I had taken a leaf out of your book so early in the piece.  Everything you have articulated is everything it has taken me much learning to achieve and grateful you can validate my own experience.  Yep BPD is unpredictable, with behaviour that hits us out of left field.  I think Blueskyday has just had the same experience... .everything going ok, and then out of nowhere... .you know the rest!

I'm going absolutely nowhere with this post.  I'm not sure what to ask or where to start.  Hopefully tonight I will be able to sit down and read and learn some things from parents who have walked this path before me.

Please know that the road is to "somewhere", not "nowhere".  It may not be the somewhere you expected but it will be a different place, one that you realise is as much as it can be at any point in time, and a bridge to a better place... .even if it is a place of acceptance.

Look after yourself and keep talking, this is very difficult for you.

Merlot

[Blueskyday]

Yes, sounds like my current situation.

My DD told me she was scratching herself aged 16. I lost a brother to suicide when I was 21 so she had no emotional "pitch" to play me with there. I became zero tolerant inspite of my love for her. I just said ohh no you didn't go there. Oddly that stopped immediately. Any other issue i believe I over indulged.

We are held to ransom by the maternal instinct.

Luzin, when things are good with them something in us relaxes and we want it back so can give in. It is so much easier not to stick to boundaries. You may feel like your going nowhere but keep talking. You aren't alone. You aren't wrong and you're not a bad person

[luzinsleep]

Thank you all so much for the reassurance!     When I found this group, I just needed to know that I wasn't alone.  With my dh out of state for the next month and still working my full time job, I was overwhelmed on day 3 of doing everything on my own.

And you know what?  I'm still exhausted.  But I have not caved on the big issue, even though today it got me told "you're mean, selfish and I wish I didn't live with you".  But I have tried to compromise where I can, and I let her go swim with a friend and her family tonight.  When I dropped her off, she was still mad at me.  When I picked her up, she was still a little tense, but I told her that if she wanted to come watch movies in my room and have a sleepover tonight, that she was welcome to.  I didn't really expect her to respond well - I more or less expected her to tell me she would rather eat grass - but she smiled just a little and said: "I may just take you up on that". 

I've had to get sneaky to try to keep up with her.  I have her phone messages sent to my iPad, I have parental controls set up on her phone, I have to meet every parent BEFORE I will walk away from dropping her off, etc, etc... .Even then, I know that she is still probably sneaking around with some things.  I know I can't catch everything, but I can't just do nothing... .

Today she showed me where she has cut her arms again.  And as much as I hate that she has done that again, she HAS other tools to use.  I can't MAKE her use them.  Part of all of this is that she has to WANT to get better - ESPECIALLY when things are frustrating, disappointing or challenging.  I don't know how to get her to that point and keep her there. :/  She is medicine compliant, she doesn't give me grief about going to the doctor or therapist, she can talk people through her RPPs and knows what her triggers are and how to help keep them at bay. 

So why doesn't she?  I truly wish I could figure out the answer to this... .

Here's a question for y'all:

Do you find that medication helps or hurts BPD? What has had good results in your family?  Anything that hasn't? 

Honestly, I'm not sure how many more meds there can possibly be that we haven't tried, but I'd love to hear if you've had good luck with something in particular.

Thank you all again - your encouragement is so needed!

[Blueskyday]

So glad you are feeling a bit less tense. Sounds like a little warmth is creeping in.

My DD who is 5.3" went up to 200lbs on anti depressants. I am not sure they have helped her emotionally. I do know the weight issue and food addiction has hurt her in many ways. Now she has all these stretch marks which is sad for such a young woman.

Just a thought but I always thought that self harming was something the person needed to keep secret. I thought secrecy was part of the issue. Could showing you this be an attempt to manipulate rather than a cry for help? I honestly don't know but I had the same thought when my DD showed me her scratches

[luzinsleep]

So glad you are feeling a bit less tense. Sounds like a little warmth is creeping in.

Maybe just a little bit.   At least for the hour. 

My DD who is 5.3" went up to 200lbs on anti depressants. I am not sure they have helped her emotionally. I do know the weight issue and food addiction has hurt her in many ways. Now she has all these stretch marks which is sad for such a young woman.

Yes - this has been a big issue for us too... .:/  Just makes a hard situation harder.

Just a thought but I always thought that self harming was something the person needed to keep secret. I thought secrecy was part of the issue. Could showing you this be an attempt to manipulate rather than a cry for help? I honestly don't know but I had the same thought when my DD showed me her scratches

I do believe the cutting itself kind of creates a "stop" of sorts in her brain, but where she puts them and then choosing to show me (or anyone else) sometimes feels like she wants to validate for others the pain she is feeling.  She's been dismissed by so many that this is an issue for sure... .

[Hyacinth Bucket]

We are held to ransom by the maternal instinct.

Luzin, when things are good with them something in us relaxes and we want it back so can give in. It is so much easier not to stick to boundaries.

Bluesky, this really hit me. Held ransom. That is how I feel a lot of the time. Constantly torn between my empathy for her, my need to protect and care for myself, and all of my day to day responsibilities. What an eloquent way to say that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Daisy123]

Hello Luzinsleep,
I’m so sorry you are exhausted and on your own for the next month. I hope you have time to practice self care.

I can completely relate to your situation. My DD20 has had multiple suicide attempts, self harms and uses pot. We are in the midst of high crisis. At times, there’s some sense of stability and others, it seems we face crisis multiple days in a row.

My DD20 has been on meds- The meds have not helped much- she was originally diagnosed with bipolar - so on meds she went.

Now if she misses a dose because she’s refused to take them, we have a raging, violent or suicidal dd on our hands.

The latest medical issue was her being placed on Effexor, Everything went as planned, Anxiety was reduced a tad bit, no change in her extremely low energy. The doc raised her level to 75 mg and all hell has broken loose. She’s had 7 violent outbursts since levels went up.
Now - she’s titrating off of Effexor, a really tough med to get off of.

After we’ve titrates her off of Effexor, we plan to remove her off of risperdal- an antipsychotic that is hugely difficult to titrate off of- she can become violent and overwhelmed with anxiety when missing doses- we’ve also tried titrating her off twice before. It was too much of a decrease, so withdrawal was awful. We also suspect that risperdal is worsening the depression because it causes such exhaustion and zombie-like effect, meaning she doesn’t care about much and is apathetic.
I am not against meds. I am bipolar and have found the right combination that works for me. It takes knowing oneself and experimentation.

My advise is to research each med and be careful of those meds that are very addictive and hard to get off of.  Consider meds that create violent outbursts or an onset of suicidal thoughts in young people. My DD went on Lexapro and began to self injure and attempted suicide.

I wish I knew better when my DD began meds. I would have never put her on risperdal or Effexor because of the side effects and the difficulty of going off of them.

I’m not sir this helps.
It’s such a difficult disease and meds can complicate things.

Daisy123

[Yepanotherone]

Hi there Luzinsleep and here’s a big huge hug from me   .

Let me begin by saying I completely understand what you’re going through as a family right now and myself and my family have been right there with you .  Our world was turned upside down when my DD was 15 , initially diagnosed with depression and had her first hospitalization after expressing suicidal ideation .At that point she was started on an antidepressant. Following her discharge around 5 days later she received her first assessment by the doctor who was to become her community psychiatrist . He diagnosed her ( within his first half hour of seeing her ) with Bipolar 1 disorder  with severe rapid cycling and kept telling us just how dangerous this was. With that said, she was then placed on more meds on top of the anti-depressant : lamictal and trileptal were thrown into the mix .

Low and behold , my DD went from bad to worse . Her second hospitalization a few months later , we were told by the hospital psychiatrist that he did not believe she was bipolar at all , he hated the combination of meds she was on , he mentioned BPD at that point , took her off al the meds she was on , then started her on Abilify . She was discharged then followed up by her community psychiatrist again . He maintained my DD was definitely bipolar , upped her dose of Abilify , then shortly after put her back on lamictal and trileptal with increasing doses as my DD kept getting worse .

Long story short , over a period of 2 years my DD downward spiralled with the BPD behaviors and traits coming out in full force . She completely de-railed . The whole 9 yards with risky behaviors , self harm through the roof with daily cutting and punching herself in the hips ,impulsivity , bad choice of friends and abusive boyfriends , failing at school , substance abuse and getting into legal troubles with probation etc , promiscuity , swearing and cursing us out constantly with anger and tempers galore , ongoing hospitalizations ( she wracked up a total of 7 ER visits with subsequent inpatient stays at various adolescent mental health units, 3 of those hospitalizations a result of actual suicide attempts), an 8th ER visit following a substance abuse episode resulting in seizures, ( she had tried to get a “ Bennie trip” through Benadryl!) and a short residential stay . Additionally , she was trialed now on additional meds including seroquel and Wellbutrin ( again ) and was also on meds to counteract the side effects of the Abilify .

Our life as a family became unrecognizable .

My DD decided after her last hospitalization and short residential stay (14 months ago in March 2017 ) that she was having nothing more to do with medications .she refused point blank to try anything else even though every single doctor was really pushing more antidepressants and lithium. She absolutely dug her heels in . Interestingly , she also bagged herself an additional diagnosis of Obstrucive disorder on top of the diagnoses for BPD , depression and  bipolar non specified at that point which I never ever agreed with ! Really ? Just because she was refusing to chug down any more meds ? She also decided that she was absolutely done with hospitals and her main goal was to stay out of them .

Since then and off of all meds , my DD has slowly returned to the girl we all knew and loved before this absolute night mare . It’s not perfect , she still has challenges , she stil has ups and downs . She’s lost a lot of weight ( the 60 lbs she put on with all the meds ), eats healthy , goes to the gym , has kept her job as a server for the last year and continues to do her online high school . She has only two classes left to do iborder to graduate. I honestly didn’t think she’d graduate at all and believes she would drop out of school all together .

Her one vice now is ongoing use of marijuana. We live in Colorado so it’s difficult to make her believe this might nowt be the best thing for her . But in all honesty , if it’s the marijuana that is keeping her in the stable place she’s been in now for the last year , then I’m good with that ! She orders medical marijuana online from a reputable company now rather than meeting seedy dealers on street corners .

She’s still unsure what she wants to do with her future . I’m not sure she’ll ever get to college or uni as while she is a really bright kid , she still remains not very motivated with studying etc . Maybe this will change in time . Who knows .

So as you can perhaps tell, I don’t have great belief in the prescribed medications . In our experience , our life went to hell when she was on them !

If you read through some of my previous posts and threads , you’ll see that I too turned investigator and micro managed my daughters every move for a good long time . I’ve been exactly where you are right now . All I can say is hang on in there . It does get better . I do believe it ultimately has to come from your DD though . She has to decide enough is enough and be committed to having a better life . For a long time my DD ( now 18) was choosing a very dark side of life and I really didn’t think she would return to us here on the light side!  But she did.

 I’m still cautious . I still keep all the meds in the house locked up. I still check in on her every morning before I go to work as she sleeps and cast an eye over her bare skin that’s visible to see if there are any cuts . These necessary actions that became an every day necessity die hard when they have become so engrained .

Right now we are just happy to see our DD happy again and to have some normality and peace and hope back into our lives .

Keep posting here , it really helps keen you sane and becomes your sanctuary xxx

[luzinsleep]

Oh wow, can I ever relate to y'alls stories!  I didn't know in the beginning to check every single medication, but it was a lesson I have learned over the last two years.

Today I went to our local natural health stores and looked at homeopathic remedies to at least help with some of the issues not being touched by medicines.  I only bought on, but plan to do more research and see what else I can learn.  DD still takes too many medicines.  I pulled out my list that I keep and even I was surprised at how big it is.  Here is ours - I'm serious when I tell people I think we are running out of things to try... .

Past
Antidepressants:
Effexor
Prozac
Wellbutrin

Antihistamines:
Benadryl
Vistaril

Stimulants:
Vyvanse
Evekeo

Mood Stabilizer:
Trileptal

Anti-psychotics:
Haldol (Haloperidol)
Risperdal (Risperidone)
Saphris (Asenapine)
Seroquel (quetiapine)

Other:
 Buspar
Lamictal


Current
Lexapro
Trazodone
Hydroxyzine


I have learned to fight back when I feel like we aren't being taken care of.  I have actually gotten us "fired" from a psychiatrists office for telling them they were wrong, that I wasn't putting her back in a hospital, and that they were being paid to do their job and not to just send dd back to a hospital (the statement that got me in trouble was directed at DD and I told her "I'm sorry kiddo - we'll find you a REAL doctor who will actually DO SOMETHING that will help". In my defense, they really were crap - and almost every antipsychotic was from them, and we only got to see a PA and NEVER saw the actual psychiatrist.  I love the doctor she has now, but she is a grad student and the hospital isn't keeping her on after graduation.

Tomorrow is her birthday.  Her sweet 16.  But it doesn't feel very sweet to me.  She has pushed off almost all of her old friends and so minus crappy BF, she really doesn't even have anyone to have over to celebrate.  I'm going to try to cry today while she is out so that hopefully I don't cry tomorrow. Dumb, huh?  Out of everything we've been through, THIS is what makes me cry.

I am already so thankful for this group.  It's hard to be thankful for knowing so many people are going through the same thing, but it's so nice to know I'm not alone. 

[Merlot]

Hi luzinsleep

We are glad you are here too.

I think having a good cry haa helped me release pent up feelings, so i think it is a good thing.

Happy sweet 16th to your girl. I do so hope its a special day for both of you.

[wendydarling]

Hi Luzinsleep

I'd like to join everyone welcoming you to bpdfamily.   I'm so sorry what you are going through with your young daughter, it is overwhelming, hugs from me too. As Merlot says a good cry helps acknowledge our feelings, I too hope you have a special day together.

Yikes, that is a long list of meds,  how long has your daughter been on her current meds? You ask if medication has helped or hurt. Medication has helped my 29DD, as has DBT. It took 18 months to get the meds right. One thing that is different to you, Yep and Daisy123 is my daughter was never diagnosed bi-polar like your teens, they went straight BPD, depression, anxiety, psychosis, panic attacks ... .

Today she showed me where she has cut her arms again.  And as much as I hate that she has done that again, she HAS other tools to use.  I can't MAKE her use them.  Part of all of this is that she has to WANT to get better - ESPECIALLY when things are frustrating, disappointing or challenging. I don't know how to get her to that point and keep her there. :/  She is medicine compliant, she doesn't give me grief about going to the doctor or therapist, she can talk people through her RPPs and knows what her triggers are and how to help keep them at bay. 

So why doesn't she?  I truly wish I could figure out the answer to this... .

You are right your daughter has to want to get better, reach that place. What are the tools she's learnt, though struggling to use right now? A mixture of meds and outpatient DBT (14 months) helped my DD slowly work her way out of crisis, it was a long hard slow slog. I focused on positive reinforcement, she was not alone in this nightmare, like you are fighting for the right care for your daughter, hang in there! DD gave up work the last 6 months of DBT to focus on DBT as she knew she needed to make the most of her remaining DBT entitlement, work was slowing her progress, it was the right decision her last crisis was November 2016, she then gave up work. Hang in there, things can get better.

Keep posting Luzinsleep, it really helps  

WDx

[luzinsleep]

Yikes, that is a long list of meds,  how long has your daughter been on her current meds? You ask if medication has helped or hurt. Medication has helped my 29DD, as has DBT. It took 18 months to get the meds right. One thing that is different to you, Yep and Daisy123 is my daughter was never diagnosed bi-polar like your teens, they went straight BPD, depression, anxiety, psychosis, panic attacks ... .

The three she is currently taking have only been from March (well, she's had Trazodone for a while... ).  Her official diagnosis is generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder with psychotic features (when her anxiety gets too high, she will sometimes hear things or hallucinate).  BPD is MY belief of what we are dealing with.  She has an appointment with her psychiatrist tomorrow and I want to ask her her thoughts about it too.

You are right your daughter has to want to get better, reach that place. What are the tools she's learnt, though struggling to use right now? A mixture of meds and outpatient DBT (14 months) helped my DD slowly work her way out of crisis, it was a long hard slow slog. I focused on positive reinforcement, she was not alone in this nightmare, like you are fighting for the right care for your daughter, hang in there! DD gave up work the last 6 months of DBT to focus on DBT as she knew she needed to make the most of her remaining DBT entitlement, work was slowing her progress, it was the right decision her last crisis was November 2016, she then gave up work. Hang in there, things can get better.

Our local outpatient care is a joke.  So she has her prior inpatient therapy and the therapist that she sees almost weekly (which is about to kill me financially since we lost our insurance back in April).  I am trying hard to do the things I've read - not make too big of a deal about the progress she has made, but more kudos about how hard she is working and how proud I am of her for putting so much effort in. I'm afraid I'm going to have no choice but to pull the plug on the boyfriend though.  Every time I turn around I'm seeing yet one more reason why I can't trust them/him/her (take your pick).  He bought her a necklace for her birthday and I was told that it was supposed to mean "love" but when I looked it up, it was the molecular compound for THC.  I made her give it back.  That's totally not ok... .Of course, my reaction to it caused a complete meltdown on her end - we sat in her therapy session yesterday with her saying all of the mean things "I don't want to live with you; you should just give up on me; you need to pay attention to yourself and get out of my business;etc etc... .".

Exhausting.  That's the best description I can come up with. :/

[Yepanotherone]

Luz I can totally understand your frustration and fears re the boyfriend . At least 3 of my DD’s hospitalizations were around having arguments and fights with her ( now ex) boyfriend.
Initially I thought he was a nice guy in the first few months . But then I learned differently after much probing into her private messages etc . Additionally I found out that he was encouraging substance abuse , supplying her and was about to embark on the cocaine path .
The only reason I found out was when my DD was caught with him , by the police , smoking marijuana and that gave me the impetus to start delving into her texts and private messages again and what I found out terrified me .

I had the perfect inroads to trying to ban the relationship when they were caught by police ( boyfriend was 18 and my DD was 16), but something told me that if I tried to ban the relationship completely , the it would only encourage my DD to be even more deceitful and go behind my back anyway! 

Just after her discharge from one of her many hospitalizations, within hours of her getting home he was sending her abusive messages again . I literally watched her heart break . She had messaged him first to apologize for” putting him through so much “ and he literally called her filthy disgusting names . She just crumbled and I thought she was going to need to be readmittes that night . I slept beside her in her bed that night to make sure she was safe , and didn’t sleep a wink myself because I was too busy sending angry messages to the boys mother , telling her that if she didn’t reign her son in , I was going to get the police involved . I also messaged the guy himself and warned him if he didn’t stop with his behaviors he would find the police at his door.

I thought this would be the end of it with my DD resolute that the relationship was toxic and at an end . But no. She started seeing him again . On her 17th birthday I found out and we had a massive blow out .

My initial thoughts were to forbid her from seeing him and to get a protection order in place . But my gut told me that I was only goi f to make matters worse . So I told my DD that if she wanted to remain in such a horrible , toxic relationship with a guy who was not good for her mental health and who was only going to drag her further down into the dark life of drugs then that was on her . We made it clear that under no circumstances were we ever going to accept him again , and  that if we found him anywhere near the house then we would call the police ( give. Now we knew he was supplying her with drugs ) , and we took the car from her so that she wasn’t able to go see him.we also had her phone and she didn’t get it back .

She continued on with that relationship for another 3 months. We held absolutely stead fast in our boundaries and  it lead to countless melt downs with her using every possible trick in the book to get us to change our minds . We held firm . I made it clear I wasn’t going to try and “ ban” the relationship because I knew she’d continue with it anyway , but under no circumstance would he ever be welcome in and around our home again. Ever . End of .

Eventually things seemed to sink in for her and she made the break . The important thing was she did it of her own accord . It wasn’t forced upon her by us . And I think that helped to salvage what was left of our relationship at that time as her parents .

It ended up being a very messy break up leading to yet another hospitalization for her , and our home vandalized by the boy and his friends . We did end up getting police involved and he was put in jail for the night after his final texts to her were deemed domestic abuse and willful property damage . A protection order was put in place and remains in place to this day . But the important thing is it wasn’t me who instigated that protection order . It was ultimately his own behaviors and actions . So again , salvaging my relationship with my DD .

Sorry for my extended ramblings:) my point is it’s so very hard to know how best to deal with boyfriend situations and even more so when the guy is just a bad guy and not a good influence . I do believe though that allowing my DD to figure this out by herself, even though it took her to suicide attempts and police involvement , I still retained a tiny bit of respect from her . I could easily have had a protection order in place before particularly when I found out about his drug use and supplying my DD who was a minor , but ultimately it was taken out of my hands and it worked out .

[wendydarling]

Hi Luz

We've been wondering how you are? How things?

Her official diagnosis is generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder with psychotic features (when her anxiety gets too high, she will sometimes hear things or hallucinate).  BPD is MY belief of what we are dealing with.  She has an appointment with her psychiatrist tomorrow and I want to ask her her thoughts about it too.

Snap   plus eating disorder, which I do believe she's pushing through on, she certainly put on weight and looks healthy. Did you get to ask her therapist about BPD?

Hugs

WDx

[luzinsleep]

Yepanotherone - thank you so much for sharing your story with me.  I have not banned the relationship for the same reasons.  I have been drug testing her since she came home, and so far, so good.  But I found an ECig in her room and said nothing - just took it and threw it away.  She spent 3 days looking for an "eyeliner" that never surfaced.  I never said a word and it finally just kind of disappeared from conversation.  Sunday night, I found parts for an ECig (I'm thinking what held the juice) under the same pillow).  I just took them, threw them away and said nothing.  I can't imagine she doesn't think it's me, but I am not saying anything at this point... .


Wendydarling - I didn't get to ask her psychiatrist at the appointment last week.  I made the mistake of standing in between 2 of our cars when one was being moved.  It was a standard, the clutch popped, and the car hit me, catching my leg in between the two cars.  So I've been nursing my own wounds this week... .She did mention a book/workbook when I sent her a message prior to that, but I haven't had a chance to order it just yet... .

We have had a couple of rough patches in the last week, but nothing as near a nuclear meltdown as what I've seen in the past.  Just taking things day by day.  Her dad will be home for the weekend, and I am looking forward to having someone else to help carry my load!

[wendydarling]

Oh, Luz ouch   that must have hurt, I'm so sorry! I hope you are recovering well. It sure does help taking day by day, breathe.  What a relief to have your husband is home this weekend to share the load, you're nearly there. Time for some you self care time. Does your husband travel often?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[luzinsleep]

It is a little uncomfortable at times.

Thankfully, nothing was broken - the orthopedic doctor says it will just take 4-5 months for it to fully heal. 

No, he doesn't travel much. Thankfully this is just job training for a new job.  I give super kudos to mammas that do this alone every day - I am struggling trying to keep it all afloat!

[Merlot]

hi luzinsleep

I hope you're ok  , often it never rains when it pours  .  I think there are definite challenges in being strong enough to manage the other adveristies of life and at times things can get very overwhelming.  But we all know that feeling well   At times like this, I get myself back to survival mode until the storm passes and I have more energy to pick up where I left off but I'm sure you're husband will be looking forward to seeing you too and no doubt having that extra support is wonderful... .as it certainly is for me too.

Take Care

Merlot