I Called An End To The Conflict - Detachment Endgame

[RomanticFool]

My ex recently contacted me again after 4 weeks of NC and cutting me off FB. I had been 'having it out with her' and telling her exactly how hurt I was and how upset I've been. She was doing her usual thing of denying all blame and pointing the finger at me. Then last night something unexpected happened within me. I suddenly realised that I simply didn't care anymore. In mid argument I told her that I didn't want to talk about it anymore because I was bored with the same discussion. She was a little taken aback and she left a message for me last night asking, 'Now what?' I said, 'I wish you luck on your course.' (She is doing a psychology course).

I don't know what she is thinking but I know I feel utter relief. Keeping the stress and resentment of the situation alive was making me miserable and everything felt worse. I have totally defused the whole thing in my head and taken the drama out of it.  I know I am never going to see her again so it will be easy to be decent towards her if she ever contacts me. She probably thinks I am nuts but she hasn't taken into account the cumulative effect on me this situation has had and I started detaching 18 months ago and no longer feel this r/s is viable. You cannot keep loving somebody who simply isn't interested in you. It becomes boring.

RF

[Cromwell]

I think thats great that those feelings have became neutralised and I can relate to that; it wasnt either that I became demystified of my ex during the detaching phase, a lot of the so called drama began itself to become predicable and bored of it helped to take out what made the relationship sparkle for me.

I never took the opportunity to be as vocal with my feelings as you have done - perhaps I should have - whatever works and im glad to hear of the result, sounds like heading to a better direction.

The only thing id like to input my thoughts is about you saying she isnt interested in you - she is still texting which negates that. My ex might not be 'interested' in me in the way that I would have liked - but she definetely was interested - for all the wrong reasons. I think I eventually got the message through to her in a more indirect way that trying to rekindle any form of contact with me is a dead-end street is what ultimately has given me freedom from it all in the end.

What might seem like a firm-rebuttal from one side, can be translated into "oh, hes just having a bad day", "he still cares, or he wouldnt have bothered even replying", sort of thinking from the other side.

[RomanticFool]

You’re right Cromwell, she is interested in me as a supply but not really as a person. I think the thing that has made me care less is I have suddenly realised the utter futility of trying to get through to her. All I do by holding the mirror up is cause her anxiety. It is utterly pointless. Like trying to get a person with agoraphobia to go outside. She can’t do what her disorder won’t allow and I am wasting my energy admonishing her. Maybe radical acceptance just kicked in. I don’t even feel resentful anymore, I just know who she is now.

Interestingly she took time to tell me that she has always been ‘loyal and faithful’ to me. Even though I know she is simply repeating something I said to her and it is possibly not true, I did think today that the idea I have always had that she is constantly meeting other men may actually not be true and may be my own paranoic mind at work. She is 62 after all and I don’t know many 62 year olds who go from man to man. I had said to her when she made contact again that we have wasted so much time and I think I just decided that life is too short for all this drama. If she talks to me I will respond but I feel oddly at peace now. I don’t think she is going to try to see me - it’s been 18 months since we did, so that ship has sailed, but if we can be civil to each other and communicate now and again without rancour I guess that’s better than feeling depressed - on both sides.

[Mutt]

Hi RomanticFool,

All I do by holding the mirror up is cause her anxiety. It is utterly pointless. Like trying to get a person with agoraphobia to go outside. She can’t do what her disorder won’t allow and I am wasting my energy admonishing her. Maybe radical acceptance just kicked in. I don’t even feel resentful anymore, I just know who she is now.

I'm glad that you're feeling better, to get to this point varies with different people some people like your pwBPD never reach that point where they accept that you can't change someone else. You can feel the way that you do about what someone else does - don't bottle it in but don't hang on to it for a long time - let it go. Your expwBPD is who she is.