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Author Topic: Just trying to decide what is best.  (Read 897 times)
Gwilmy

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: June 02, 2018, 10:58:33 AM »

Hello, my wife has BPD, and it has been a hard journey. I am just trying to determine whether to stay, or go. I pastor a couple of churches, which to me, adds another dimension to the issue. I have contacted theraptists, psychiatrists, pastors, family and friends, and the consensus is that i need out of the situation. When an episode starts, it affects me physically, and I have experienced a lot of emotional abuse. I just need to know what to do, because I have no peace. Thank you.
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PLEASE DO NOT TELL MEMBERS TO STAY OR LEAVE!
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pearlsw
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"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2018, 02:52:26 PM »

Hi Gwilmy,

Welcome

Glad you have found us here! This is a very supportive place, even more so as you post more and more and share your story. We're here!

How long have the two of you been togethers? What are some of the most troubling things you are dealing with? Are you safe? Is she doing things that affect your work?

What kinds of physical symptoms are you having? I know the stress gets to be too much for me at times and I have chest pains and am sometimes a bit anxious.

with compassion, pearl.

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Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
MaybeMaybeNot

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« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2018, 01:13:14 PM »

I am very sorry to hear that you are having difficult time. And I understand how difficult this decision is for you. There are many things to consider. People have good traits and some not so good traits. And people with BPD are really extremes in both sides of the spectrum. In my opinion there is no excuse for abuse. It is WRONG. Adults are responsible of their actions. There is a good article in flyingfreenow.com that says following: The one common denominator of all destructive relationship is that your spouse does not take any responsibility of her behavior. Ever.

I can not give advice on what you should do. You are not alone, I just joined in this forum and I have already noticed how many people have been in similar situation or are in situation like this at the present moment. Blessings! 
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Red5
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1630


« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2018, 01:23:59 PM »

Hello, my wife has BPD, and it has been a hard journey. I am just trying to determine whether to stay, or go. I pastor a couple of churches, which to me, adds another dimension to the issue.

I have contacted theraptists, psychiatrists, pastors, family and friends, and the consensus is that i need out of the situation.

When an episode starts, it affects me physically, and I have experienced a lot of emotional abuse. I just need to know what to do, because I have no peace. Thank you.
Hello and welcome Gwilmy,

I have one thing I would like to share with you, and its a word, and that word is "boundaries".

I too was constantly being "assailed", run over, and trodden under by my (suspected) undiagnosed (udx) borderline personality disordered wife (u/BPDw).

As you wrote, ."When an episode starts, it affects me physically, and I have experienced a lot of emotional abuse"... .I was too; as well, .and one of the worst things I did in that face of it was to attempt to "give it all back" reciprocally, and also to argue and ty to defend myself, this is called JADE'ing... .justify/argue/defend/explain... .good luck with that, may as well pour gas onto a burning lawnmower... .

I started implementing boundaries with my wife, lines that I held, lines she was not to cross, .things that I would no longer put up with, ie' verbal abuse... .when she started in on me, I would just leave, and get away from her... .I would drive away, go for a walk, and even spend the night someplace else... .

You have to stop the "dysregulations"... .you have to understand that the person (pw/BPD) that you are dealing with, in most cases, is an emotionally abused person inside, most times from some sort of childhood trauma, they CANNOT process... .instead they let it all come out sideways, most often at the person that is closest to them ie' their husband, their wife etc'... .you are actually dealing with a child (inner) when this BPD person comes out at you... .

Tough stuff.

Learn all you can about BPD, use the links and tools here, they do work... but it takes proactive practice... .and time... .

Again, welcome... .please know that you are not alone here, .please tell us more about your story as you may have time,

Best regards, Red5
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
Gwilmy

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2018, 11:10:27 AM »

I really appreciate the kind and thoughtful responses to my post. I plan to explain more when I have an opportunity. Again, thank you!
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Gwilmy

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2018, 02:44:23 PM »

I have talked to her on numerous occasions about the BPD, but she mainly wants to be in denial about it. She keeps finding other things to blame our problems on. I think she's in serious "charm" mode at the moment. It's really hard, because there was a video on this website that spoke of "Jekyll and Hyde", and it really is that way. One moment, she's nice, and acting somewhat like a wife, then other times, it's emotional abuse. It makes it hard to think about leaving. It makes you wish you could just leave Mr. Hyde, but it can't work that way.
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Gwilmy

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2018, 02:49:04 PM »

Also, to reply to Pearl's questions, I have been married for 30 years this month. I am safe, as far as I know. This interferes with my ministry, in that I'm distracted, and she sometimes is jealous of the time I spend ministering to others. As far as my physical symptoms during an episode, it's just a panicky feeling, heart racing, and I begin to sweat sometimes. I also shake a little from time to time. Thank you for asking. ☺️
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pearlsw
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2802


"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2018, 07:14:37 PM »

I have talked to her on numerous occasions about the BPD, but she mainly wants to be in denial about it. She keeps finding other things to blame our problems on. I think she's in serious "charm" mode at the moment. It's really hard, because there was a video on this website that spoke of "Jekyll and Hyde", and it really is that way. One moment, she's nice, and acting somewhat like a wife, then other times, it's emotional abuse. It makes it hard to think about leaving. It makes you wish you could just leave Mr. Hyde, but it can't work that way.

Hi Gwilmy,

I can't say for sure, but after reading a lot here, I would not characterize it as her "wanting to be in denial" so much as this being hard to grasp for both her and yourself.

It is not easy to observe your own brain and understand how it might be operating. This is just how she experiences the world. One thing that helped me at times, because we were already discussing that my SO may have mental health issues before I found this site, is to let him know I did not see him as flawed or horrible, but that he was unique. We all experience emotions, he just experiences them at a heightened level. By reframing a bit at times he became more open, but... .I must say, it is not easy for him to grasp on a day to day basis, and frankly it is not easy for me to wrap my mind around either.

I keep hoping that he can manage his emotions better. He may never be able to. That will remain an unknown. I may sometimes have a way to influence it, but this is not going away.

Can you tell us more about the jealousy and what you have been doing to handle it so far?

I hope others join us and share their thoughts and offer support too!

warmly, pearl.
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Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
WantToBeFree
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Posts: 66


« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2018, 12:44:38 AM »

I have talked to her on numerous occasions about the BPD, but she mainly wants to be in denial about it. She keeps finding other things to blame our problems on. I think she's in serious "charm" mode at the moment. It's really hard, because there was a video on this website that spoke of "Jekyll and Hyde", and it really is that way. One moment, she's nice, and acting somewhat like a wife, then other times, it's emotional abuse. It makes it hard to think about leaving. It makes you wish you could just leave Mr. Hyde, but it can't work that way.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I am new here too, but have already received a ton of wonderful advice and just great support.  Know you're not alone, and that everyone here is very supportive.

I can very much relate to your example of Jekyll and Hyde.  My uBPDh is very much like living with two different people.  Sometimes he can be so fun, and happy and we get along so good, and other times he is so hurtful and mean and just horrible.  It's often hard to believe one person can act both ways.  He is emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive.

Other are right in saying no one can tell you what to do.  Do you have kids?  Often times that changes things in both good and bad ways.  I sometimes think without my D4, I would stay forever and put up with the abuse, so in a way she is saving me... .but at the same time, I hate that she is stuck with dealing with this too, and I willingly brought her into this situation.

I've been with my H for 11 years, married for 7.5.  I've been considering leaving him since we were together for only a month or so.  Once married, I threatened divorce a lot.  But despite knowing I needed to leave him, I didn't want to.  I wanted to hang on to the good side of him, and hope and pray I could change him.  Then one day after a pretty mellow, but very eye opening fight, it was like someone literally flipped a light switch in me, and I was done.  I not only knew I needed to be done, I wanted to be done.  Everything became clear to me. 

Unfortunately almost 2 years later and we're still together.  He is a master manipulator, and he's used my love for him against me, always begging for another chance.  So sadly, right now I am not quite there still.  I know I need to leave, and 60% of the time I do want to go, but I am still battling that 40% that still wants to keep our family together.  But I was there once, so I know I can be there again.  If you're questioning yourself about staying or going, it likely means you have not accepted in your mind either answer, and you will most likely know the day that changes.

In the meantime, you could begin preparing for the future.  In the last couple years, I have gone to free consultations with lawyers, I have confided in family and friends, and I've begun working on what my finances will look like once I am on my own, to make sure to make the necessary changes at work (increase hours) so that I am not blindsided and cannot support myself when the day comes.  I've also researched health insurance (I'll lose my coverage since it's through his work) and I keep up with what's going on in the housing market in case moving is a necessity some day.

Good luck to you, and welcome.  Post here as much as you need to, we're all here for you.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2018, 10:34:03 AM »

It's a difficult decision to make, whether to stay or leave. I'll tell you my story with two spouses with BPD. An aside--so many of us who end up in a relationship with a partner with BPD have experienced a family member with BPD in our childhood. In my case, my mother. And because of that, we are tolerant of behavior that would send other people running for the hills. It seems like "family".   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I was young when I married my first BPD husband and he presented such a wonderful side to me (at first), then the verbal abuse slowly began and later the physical abuse, financial irresponsibility, infidelity. I had no idea what was going on and I struggled on a daily basis of dealing with the crisis du jour. Finally I had enough and left the relationship.

Even if I had the tools I've learned here, I don't think that relationship would have been worth saving. Yes, he had some goodness, but the cost of dealing with all the other sides of him overwhelmed any positives.

My current husband seemed much more normal at the outset of our relationship and things went well for the first few years. It wasn't until maybe year 3 that some of the BPD behaviors became more obvious. That said, he is highly functioning and responsible. His only observable flaw has been alcohol abuse and some over-reliance on prescription drugs. With what I've learned here, our relationship runs fairly smoothly.

That said, I've had to distance myself somewhat in order to "manage" my responses to him and turn down the heat of emotion. I cannot truly be myself, without editing my behavior. This keeps me from truly being in an intimate relationship where I can share my thoughts, feelings, responses with total candor. That, to me, is sad. But that's what is. I realize that everyone brings "baggage" to a relationship, but I didn't realize that I had found myself in yet another BPD marriage and it was heartbreaking to come to that understanding. However, there's a lot of positives in my life with this marriage and it is a relationship that is worth saving.

So, my question for you is what are the positives in your marriage and what are the negatives? Please be specific.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Red5
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1630


« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2018, 09:08:44 AM »

That said, I've had to distance myself somewhat in order to "manage" my responses to him and turn down the heat of emotion.

I cannot truly be myself, without editing my behavior.

This keeps me from truly being in an intimate relationship where I can share my thoughts, feelings, responses with total candor.

That, to me, is sad. But that's what is.

This has became one of my most important tools to keep things; for lack of a better word(s)... ."under control", ."on a even keel".

Self editing, holding back, controlling information, .has now become second nature to me, what we used to call "muscle memory" in the career community in which I used to work.

I "just do it" now... .I can never be "casual" around my wife (pw(udx)/BPD).

I cannot "be myself" around her, I have to be this "other person" in order to "get along" with her... .

Like the "redacted" copies of documents we see in the news today... ."blackened out"... .or the old news reels when they were censoring letters home during the war years... ."nope, can't let'em see that"... ."cannot let her hear that", ."I'll be keeping that one to myself", ."if I tell her that, she'll #&%@* !"... .

As Cat wrote... .it is sad, .but now a necessity in order to be able to exist here with her in the r/s.

Part and parcel as they say,

So as a result, I "talk to myself" more and more ()... .at least the voices in my head have somebody else to talk to now  !

Hang in there Gwilmy,

Red5

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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
PLEASE DO NOT TELL MEMBERS TO STAY OR LEAVE!
This board is for evaluating the pros and cons of staying or leaving a relationship. Please focus on evaluating options.
All members should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions
Jackie59

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« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2018, 02:23:19 PM »

I was glad to come across your post as you say you are a pastor. I’m a very religious Christian and am looking for other Christian views. I don’t love my wife anymore. She has killed my love for her slowly over the years and I can never get over it. I don’t want to be with her anymore. She’s affecting my emotional health to the point of my not caring about anything except what God wants.
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