Getting so discouraged and frightened.

[Scout206]

I'm feeling so frustrated, sad and depressed.  Since I found out that my 30 yr old uBPD daughter has BPD traits (in January of this year), I have been working so very hard - reading books, going to counseling, viewing everything on this site, exchanging ideas and commiserating with people etc.  I have been doing this ostensibly to learn how to communicate effectively with my adult child.   She initiated NC with me and my family two years ago.  She is getting married in July and we are not invited.  I thought I was accepting this but as the date grows closer, I feel like I am starting to come apart.  My heart is broken.   I am also worried about her health because the last time I talked with her, she said she had a cervical biopsy but has not responded when I ask her how it came out.  What good does it do for me to learn these skills and to try to understand her disorder when I don't ever have a chance to communicate with her?  Reach out to her?  :)oesn't help.  :)on't reach out to her?  :)oesn't help.  Validate?  :)oesn't help.  SET?  :)oesn't help.  I have been taking care of myself as best I can.  I have tried not to isolate myself - I have a tendency to do that when I'm depressed.   I have developed a few good hobbies that I spend time on.  I miss her so much - this just feels like the end - like there will be no turning back.  I can't seem to get off this frightening roller coaster of emotions.  She has broken her brother's heart and I worry about him too.  I know there are no answers for me but I feel scared.  I don't think my daughter is there anymore.  Thanks for listening to me.  Scout206    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi Scout206... .I am so very, very sorry... .your excruciating pain comes through loud and clear and I can so understand it... .It is so, so horrible to feel helpless to do anything.  I've been there, I get it as I am sure that most others on this board do too.  Not that that helps you turn the no contact situation with your daughter around, but I hope there is some small solace in knowing that other good, loving parents such as yourself have also found themselves in this unimaginable position. 

I also really understand that feeling of wanting to isolate yourself as that is my tendency too.  Especially when you feel compelled to have to explain the unexplainable and see either real or imagined judgement in the eyes of others.  That is where this board is a godsend... .there is no judgement here, you can safely come here an unburden yourself of your inner most thoughts and secrets knowing that those of us here have likely had those same dark thoughts and emotions. 

How I wish that I could help you, Scout206.  I wish I was there and we could sit down and have a good cry, a cup of tea or glass of wine and commiserate or just sit in understanding silence.

You are obviously doing everything right; everything you can possibly do on your end.  The only advice that I have that comes to mind, though it may be wrong, but it is what I would personally do... .I would try to stay as "involved" with her upcoming wedding as I could, even though I was being excluded.  I would send a shower gift, wedding gift, write a sweet speech and send it to her, etc., not only because I would want to be as involved with my daughter's wedding as I could be, but because I would be hoping that someday this no contact would end, and I would not want my reaction to not being included in the wedding festivities becoming another bone of contention between us that would come back to bite me in the a**.  (this is just me imagining myself in a similar situation with my own daughter... .I know your situation is unique and this may not even be a possibility for you... .)

Thinking of you with empathy and compassion, Scout206.  You are a good person, Scout206, who is being dealt a very unfair hand at the moment... .one you do not deserve.  I am so sorry. 

MomMae

[Scout206]

MomMae
Thank you so much for your reply and support.  I really need it right now.
xo Scout206

[Daisy123]

Hello Scout,
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. It’s good that you are reaching out and letting us all in. How I wish your d knew just how hard you’ve worked. You are a loving mom wanting to do her very best. And you’ve put so much of yourself into learning about this disease and communication. That is commendable!

One thing I’ve learned in my Family Connections class is to allow myself to grieve. One of our leaders said grief has become his close friend. I’m still unpacking what that means to him other than what the facilitator said, that he needed to grieve so he could handle his pain.

I really can sense your heartache and wish I could give you a hug or atleast hold your hand. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Take good care of yourself, Scout. We are here, for you.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Scout206,  
 
I just want to say that I truly truly get it, the way that you are feeling, I have been there and I know how horrible it is. I am having a bit of an emotional day myself today which has made your post even more poignant to me.

I hit a brick wall just like you have towards the end of last year and I posted something very similar to what you have posted. I couldn’t see the point in spending all my precious time learning and relearning, trying to change my own behaviour. And for what? The off chance that one day my son would want to have me back in his life? So yes, I do get where you are, how sad, depressed and frustrated you are feeling.

I was just like you back then, reading, learning, I lived and breathed BPD, desperate, oh so desperate for answers, for help, anything that would get me out of the terrible mess that my life was in. Thanks to the support of the kind people on here I realised that I needed to take a breath, I was doing too much, it wasn’t good for me, so I took a bit of a step back and I learned not to push myself so hard and to not beat myself up for not trying hard enough. Give yourself a break Scout, you deserve it. You are doing all that you can do. I know that right now you think that Validation, SET and all the other skills are of no use to you, you can’t use them to communicate with your daughter, but I’ll bet anything that you are using them here on this board when you respond to others. Helping others will help you too, it’s what’s helped me get through tough times. It does get better.

She is getting married in July and we are not invited.  I thought I was accepting this but as the date grows closer, I feel like I am starting to come apart.  My heart is broken.

Oh Scout, my heart goes out to you, I have not had to deal with a wedding but I have had other occasions to deal with and I have just dreaded them, wishing that the day would hurry up and come and be gone and wanting to run away until it was all over. It’s just awful. I wish I had words of wisdom for you that could help you get through this. All I can say is take extra special care of yourself if you can during this highly stressful period.

Would it help you do you think to talk about the wedding, or would it be more painful for you? We are good “listeners” if you want to talk about it some more.

You are most definitely in my thoughts x  

[zachira]

You are heartbroken that your daughter who has BPD has gone NC with  you, and you are not even invited to her wedding. You wonder what good it is to learn all about how to help you daughter if you have no contact with her. There is no one we love more than our children. Your son is hurt by his sister's behavior. This all very painful to bear. As someone who was raised in a family with several members who have BPD, it takes enormous courage and integrity to move forward and deal with what seems to be the never ending blows to our well being, as we give and give and keep hoping our BPD family member will at some point be doing better.
Right now, self care is the name of the game, so that you can be your best self despite the heartbreak. Do keep learning as much as you can about BPD, while giving yourself needed breaks, as we can't be thinking about how BPD has affected us all the time, as it is too heartbreaking. Your daughter may come back into your life when you least expect it, and you want to be prepared to deal with her in ways that will make it more likely that you can help her while realizing at the same time that you are not at fault for the way she is.
Take care and keep us posted. We are here to support you and listen.

[Scout206]

Dear Daisy123, Feeling Better, and Zachira
Thank you all for taking the time to be supportive of me.  How is it that I can be thinking 'ok... .you're doing fine... .just remain patient... .don't let the hope die.   Then all of a sudden, I feel like I am circling the drain and can't find the edge to hold on to.   I don't know where I would be without all of you people.   I hope that in return, I am there for you as well.   I am so grateful that I can go to this spot and don't have to explain myself.   That is one reason why I tend to get isolated.   I don't fully understand what is going on myself so it is too hard to explain to other people.  Thank you all again.  xo   Scout206

[Merlot]

Hi scout206

Im so sorry for how much pain you are in. I really know how that feels. Its very difficult to have the courage to move forward through these events unscathed.

My DD27 is heading to another state with my youngest for a hens week ahead of my youngests wedding. My sister in law rang me to let me know that my DD27 wants to catch up with her.  It was an emotional trigger that just brought me undone. I felt unhinged and cried like a baby. After all, no one will ever love my daughter the way I have and still do but im the one who she cut off. It hurts so much.

I also wonder if Ill get the opportunity to communicate with a new found set of skills. So far all comminication has been met with vitriole and abuse. But I relate to Mommae in that I can get past that to feel good about giving freely of my love through gestures even if it is not reciprocated.

I also really relate to Daisy123. Grief is  strange journey and we must remind ourselves that it is a unique journey for each of us with a BPD child, contact or NC. So take your very good time in that space.

Are you able to plan something for the wedding day that will allow you to get over the line and just stick to that plan?

I know this is just so hard but you will get to a better place.  Its the only place as any other place is not worrh contemplating.

Hang in there Im right beside you and I wish we could cry/hug over coffee and hopefully find a place to smile

Hugs Merlot

[Scout206]

Merlot, 
Thank you so much for your support.  I know you are going through something similar and understand how much pain is involved.  I wonder what the significance is of them cutting off the people who loved them the absolute most throughout their lives.  I  have to believe they loved us tremendously at one time as well.  I don't know how to get through this - I wish it was tomorrow - just so it would be over.   The next hurdle will be when she has as child I guess.  Geez - one crisis at a time Scout - don't anticipate future crises.    Right?  Thank you again Merlot

[jones54]

Hi Scout206,
I know you have followed my situation over the many months. I am sorry for what you are going thru. I do want to say that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. I never knew when My DD33 would turn around. It was pure chaos for over a year with her harassing me while she did drugs. Over the past 3 months when she finally "gave in" and she seems like a different person. Something I never expected with how terrible it was for so long. We are developing a new relationship and she soon will be released to a transition home after her 90 day rehab. All I can say is be patient. It was the hardest thing I had to do over this past year, hoping and waiting for things to finally get better. She will still have her challenges but I never could predict when things would finally get better. Having this site was most helpful to me because there were times I felt so low (and afraid). I would try to stay optimistic and take care of yourself. The serenity pray was always helpful for me. We all want to be able to change things so we can feel better but all we can do is be patient. I hope things will get better for you, no matter how small it might be. Hang in there.

[Merlot]

Hi Scout206

I wonder what the significance is of them cutting off the people who loved them the absolute most throughout their lives.  I  have to believe they loved us tremendously at one time as well.  I don't know how to get through this.   

From what I have been reading, the cutting off seems to be both a coping mechanism and/or a manipulative tool to place the burden of responsibility away from themselves and onto others. 

When I was cut off six months ago, the catalyst was my husband and I being back from walking her dogs five minutes late.  We had taken the dogs in her car to the beach and she needed her car to get to an appointment.  Mind you, everything in the preceding months that led to this appointment was based on lies, drama after drama that led her to make very poor decisions and another un-planned pregnancy.   Her life was chaotic and unravelled at the time, and she was completely emotionally dysregulated.

My husband told her to calm down and she literally lost control.  She thinks that I supported him over her, which triggered such a strong abandonment response in her.  Her words "how could you stand by and watch your daughter break".  It then became much easier for her to use this as an excuse to cut us off and continue to tell us what bad people we are, rather than face the shame of her behaviour.   BPD is so perplexing, she can't even recognise that we had spent all day helping her clean, shopped and cooked dinner for her, were walking her dogs... .but somehow we didn't care enough about her.

I truly believe that my daughter still loves me and I think she always will, even in the face of NC.  Unfortunately, her shame is driving her version of the events and I'm not sure what it will take for her to ever have the ability to work through that.  I'm sure your daughter loves you too, BPD just gets so badly in the way.

I know this is such a difficult thing to reconcile but as you love your daughter so much, even if you are not at the wedding, it may be helpful to get through by reminding yourself that it's a wonderful day for her and trust in your heart that, as her mother, she will most likely be thinking of you too.

Hugs to you  
Merlot

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Scout206]

Thank you jones54 and thank you again Merlot.   
You guys are really phenomenal and I appreciate your support and input more than I can say.   Your understanding and validation calms me and gives me some peace.   xo Scout

[Lollypop]

Hi there

If it’s any consolation - during my son27 no contact periods he reached a point where he was able to recognise that he missed us. He didn’t reach out to us though - his shame, fear of rejection or even a potential feeling of awkwardness prevented him from doing so. He felt disconnected therefore, to him, he was disconnected.

I don’t know if this helps any reading this.  He loved us.  He just didn’t have the skills to cope with us and our reactions to him.

It’s a terrible situation to be in. No contact is so cruel and there’s a fear it will be forever. My mind would make such big leaps, it was terrifying.  By focussing on the skills and learning I distracted myself and it helped me stay in “today”.  I got the opportunity to improve all my relationships and, whether or not my son27 was in my life or not, my life did improve. Take heart that the work is worth it.

 

LP

[Faith Spring]

Scout, I'm so sorry.  I'm filling up just reading it.  I really understand.  I know when you say she's gone I know.  I'm confused too.  Not a good person to have in your trench!  But if I were your neighbor I'd be over in a heartbeat with some chamomile tea and maybe one of those neck warmers. 

There's no sense in dread or regret.  Know I'm and so many are rooting for you, understand you and are in your corner. 

[Scout206]

Thank you LP and Faith Spring.
I appreciate your thoughts.  I am worried that this NC will be forever, but I guess worrying about it won't prevent it from happening.  At least I know she has a roof over her head, food to eat and medical insurance.   I would like to think she has people who care about her but that's hard for me.   Why would people who have known us both since she was a small child, believe lies about me and cut me off? Is no one questioning that there might be something wrong here?   She is very manipulative and a great liar I guess.   I have no idea what she may have told people about me.  She has no sense of loyalty and it seems that she eventually believes her own fabrications and the lies become facts to her.  I need to stop trying to figure it out.  There is no figuring out totally irrational behavior.   Thank you again for supporting me.  I am grateful.   Scout206

[Feeling Better]

Hi Scout206

I have the same worry too, that the NC will be forever, especially since last Christmas when my mother tried to “fix” things by telling my son that the best Christmas present she could have would be him talking to me again. His reply, “it’s been too long”. Well it’s been even longer now so there’s probably no chance, but I’m not ready to quit yet. His birthday will be coming up soon. I will wish him a happy birthday, not sure yet if I will add anything to that. As you say Scout, worrying about it is not going to prevent it happening.

I would like to think she has people who care about her but that's hard for me.   Why would people who have known us both since she was a small child, believe lies about me and cut me off? Is no one questioning that there might be something wrong here?   She is very manipulative and a great liar I guess.   I have no idea what she may have told people about me.  She has no sense of loyalty and it seems that she eventually believes her own fabrications and the lies become facts to her.

So true, they change their stories to suit the image they have of themselves and the thing is, they are very believable. My son managed to almost convince me that it was me with a problem, not him, so no wonder other people get sucked in. 

[Overwhelmedabit]

I’m so sorry to read about your pain, wish I could do something to help you. My daughter is 26 and her life is a train wreck. Most recently I found a good counselor who miraculously got her to a psychiatrist within days and got her meds. It hasn’t helped much: she’s still intent on self destruction. This disease is like a day where there are big storms all around. Occasionally you might get a glimpse of clear sky but you can never feel like that is going to last. It’s tragic. My faith helps me. But it is like an open wound that hurts every time I move.
Anyway I am thinking of you and hoping for some clear sky for you. Big hugs.

[Merlot]

Hi scout206

I just wanted to pop by and see how you are doing?

I know your daughter's wedding is close and wanted to let you know we are here you help you through that moment.

I know we can help each other too as i wont be far behind you for my yougest daughters wedding in August where I will see ky DD for the first time sine NC.

Im thinking of you and I hope you are ok

[jones54]

Hi Scout206,
I have not seen you post in a while. I hope you are doing ok. When I read about your daughter painting a bad picture of you with your relatives, it reminded me when my DD went to Facebook and mad this large post about how terrible her parents (mostly me) were to her. Mentioned the most untruthful things about me. Talk about spreading lies to a mass group of people. I forced her to take it down but the word was out. Luckily most of my relatives did not believe it (or I hoped they did not). This is all in the past now but to be honest it was not a good time in our relationship. Things are better now but she still has the occasional meltdown. She almost went NC with me since she was mad that I stayed with my girlfriend to try to work things out after I mentioned we broke up. It took a therapist to settle her down. We really do not talk about this anymore which is fine. I know how difficult NC is since I went thru it. You feel helpless and that is the most awful feeling not knowing what is going on. I feel we are very similar with the worry gene.  All I can say is keep up the hope and know you are a wonderful mother. You are the one that knows the truth.

[Merlot]

Hi Scout206

You have been on my mind over the past few months and have wondered how you are.  If you are up to it, we would all love to hear from you.

You raise some very valid points in your last post.  I recently wrote to WendyDarling about how this is the safest place to be as I feel heard and members understand, unlike my family who are struggling to reconcile her behaviour towards me with their own relationships and understanding of her.  It truly is very diffcult.

I went to my youngest daughter's wedding 10 days ago now, and it is the first time I saw my DD and GD since NC in January.  I know you also had your daughter's wedding on your mind.

I will update my post and hopefully we can come together and share some of our grief.

Thinking of you today, tomorrow and the next day too. 
Merlot