Adult daughter with BPD/raising her child

[Overwhelmedabit]

My 26 year old daughter has BPD. It’s been a nightmare with her really her whole life but really bad since age 14 on. Was bad enough with just her but now she has a two year old son and she does not care for him and has not, except for maybe 5 months of his life.
I love the baby but it is hard dealing with her sporadic involvement and severe disfunction. I travel for a living and currently must depend on my ex husband to watch the baby when I’m gone. He lives 3 hours from me. Also I’m the one dealing with our daughter by myself. It all feels very heavy and I’m worried about the baby’s future. I tried to adopt him but his father is in prison for domestic violence and will not consent, though he’s never seen the baby or provided one penny for his support.  I feel hopeless.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Overwhelmedabit

I can understand why you feel a bit overwhelmed, you got a lot on your plate here.

It is sad that your daughter is not very involved in the care for her own son. I am glad you are there for your grandson, but this situation clearly is taking quite a toll on you. Where does your daughter live?

When you are traveling, your ex husband looks after your grandson. How is your relationship with your ex husband? How does he view your daughter's behavior?

Your daughter has had her struggles for many years now, has she perhaps been diagnosed with BPD (or any other disorder)? Has she ever received any kind of therapy or treatment for her issues?

We have many parents here with a BPD child who will be able to relate to what you're going through. Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[bluek9]

   Welcome Overwhelmedabit,

    I echo the Parrot, it's sad that your D won't care for her child. I have the same situation, I'm raising my grandson JJ. I think it's admirable that you tried to adopt. Maybe think about the next best thing... .
I took guardianship of JJ this month. In my state I can't get custody, so this is what worked. Even though my D lives with me she won't care for him and his bio-dad is homeless. It's worth a look.   
   I'm so very sorry you're worried and feeling hopeless . Everyone here is supportive and encouraging. I too work full time ( I don't have to travel) and yes it gets overwhelming at times. I have to make sure I never leave JJ alone with his mother, so I hear you, schedules can be hard.
  What are you doing for yourself? Does your D and grandson live with you? Keep posting, let us kow how you are doing.

[hangingon]

Hello Overwhelmedabit,

Oh my, I can tototally relate to your post.  I’m in a similar situation, except that my DD27 does provide care for my grandson.  I am and was her only parent since she was a toddler, and like your D she has always been a handful.  Things got really bad when she was 13 and its been a roller coaster ever since.  She and my grandson, who is also 2, live with me (she came home in February to leave an abusive relationhip).  Its been a difficult transition.  It is very challenging to deal with the constant mood swings, emotions and drama with my DD so I completely sympathize! I also work full time, a very stressful job that involves sporadic travel.  I try to keep my travel down to 2 nights away from home at the most, as my daughter usually has some sort of meltdown when caring for my grandson every 2 days or so and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with him too long.

I haven’t gotten to the point of considering adoption yet, but that could be a possibility in the future. I know that my grandson’s father would not consent. So for now, I am devoted to being a source of support, trust, and unconditional love to that sweet innocent boy who never asked for any of this and needs someone he can depend on for unwavering love and support. I won't hesitate to consider adoption or guardianship if that is what needed to ensure my grandson has a normal stable upbringing.

All this to say, I know how hopeless it can feel in this situation. I have learned that I must seek out support for myself so I can deal with the BPD behavior and not let it take over my life.  For me, that translates to going to a therapist weekly, spending time with friends away from DD when possible, exercising regularly and my hobbies, and setting boundaries.  You must do what you can to take care of yourself.  It also helps to learn about BPD or revisit what you have learned (I had to do that in February when she came home). Especially important if like me, you have not remarried, and are the only non BPD adult in the house. What kinds of support do you have other than your ex-husband helping to care for your grandson?

You are not alone.  Keep coming here, reading and sharing – this is a wonderful community of parents who really understand!

Hugs
Hangingon

[Overwhelmedabit]

For you guys that commented, I want to thank you very much! It helps to know that I am not alone and that people care enough to spend time to comment and try to help.
At present, my daughter is living with me. I had put her out due to her very abusive behavior towards me. I let her come back when she was on the street with a promise from my ex husband that he would help find her a place to live ASAP as I care for the baby and it is very busy for me. He has done nothing. Neither has she. I’ve been looking and she’s been to two interviews for roommates situations and gotten turned down for each. She is working delivering pizza. After she gets off she goes out with men and smokes pot and comes home at 2am. Her most recent companion is someone who stole money from her and who she almost got arrested with. She sleeps very late til about noon every day and it is going to be a struggle to find her a roommate and get her to cooperate. She was seeing a therapist that I found who is wonderful and got her to a psychiatrist almost immediately. She refused to go to the therapist yesterday but is at least still taking her meds for now. I am going to start working with the therapist tomorrow to see how to best sort this out. It’s very sad for the baby and I wonder if some contact with his mom is better than no mom at all. She doesn’t engage much with him. Also my ex husband seems to just want me to handle all of this alone besides giving copious orders to me on what to do. He will watch the baby when I’m gone but just told our oldest daughter that he really can’t handle it. Frankly I have always wondered if he was  borderline too - well, it was hard to name it as well back before the days of the internet but my relationship with him was hell.
Anyway I hope the therapist can help me sort it out. That and a lot of prayers.
Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to write to me, it means a lot!

[wendydarling]

Hello Overwhelmedabit and welcome  

Oh my, you are certainly not alone, we all care here for each other.    You are surely stretched beyond and we can help as you work out what is best for you.

Let's breathe, I'm putting on my oxygen mask on, yours too. What's the plan? A simple one helped my situation.  

Let's see what your therapist recommends.

We are here for you.

WDx

[Kwamina]

Hi Overwhelmedabit

I hope the situation with your daughter has stabilized a bit and possibly improved.

Were you indeed able to work with the therapist to determine the best way forward?

How are things now with your daughter?

The Board Parrot