How do I prepare my daughter for her older BPD sisters visit

[Parents! Get help here!]

My BPD DD has been away at college. She dropped out because she couldn’t function. She didn’t want to come home but finally decided to come for Father’s Day.
Her younger sister is very patient and understanding. She’s also a realist. I recently shared with her that her older sister was diagnosed with BPD. She asked me what she could do to make the visit easier. I couldn’t come up with anything to say except show her that you love her and be patient. I feel I should be able to give her more guidance.
Oh and then I started to cry. More like wail. She’d never seen me like that and it scared her. So there’s that too. She’s 13.

Any thoughts?

[KT’s Ma]

My BPD DD has been away at college. She dropped out because she couldn’t function. She didn’t want to come home but finally decided to come for Father’s Day.
Her younger sister is very patient and understanding. She’s also a realist. I recently shared with her that her older sister was diagnosed with BPD. She asked me what she could do to make the visit easier. I couldn’t come up with anything to say except show her that you love her and be patient. I feel I should be able to give her more guidance.
Oh and then I started to cry. More like wail. She’d never seen me like that and it scared her. So there’s that too. She’s 13.

Any thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi KT’s Ma,

I’m glad to hear that your daughter is coming home for Fathers Day, albeit somewhat reluctantly.

Your younger daughter sounds very caring and as you say, realistic in wanting to help your older daughters visit go as smoothly as possible, how supportive she is, you must be very proud of her.

I am so sorry for you, that you broke down in front of your younger daughter, it obviously all became too much for you. Maybe you could try again to give her guidance when you are feeling calmer and more able, tell her how much you appreciate her willingness to help. Let us know how it goes x 

[Merlot]

HI KT's Ma

Oh and then I started to cry. More like wail. She’d never seen me like that and it scared her. So there’s that too. She’s 13.
Any thoughts?

Telling your daughter must have been very difficult for you; her care and understanding must have really triggered something for you and your reaction is perfectly understandable. I've also had to engage my youngest daughter in a conversation about her older sister having BPD and she has been really open to learning about the disorder so that she can best support her sister and care for herself too.  I hope that sharing with your daughter will help her in this regard too.

You say your daughter has been diagnosed, has there been a long history of issues for you?  Are you able to share here on the board and engage in the conversation?  I have learned so much from parent here, who have such experience and wisdom.

There is also so much information on the board to the right  

We look forward to hearing from you.

Hugs Merlot 

[bluek9]

Hi KT's Ma,

   I just wanted to join the others in supporting you here  . I agree with Merlot, something must have triggered you to those tears. Possibly her understanding? So often we feel like we need to set our jaw and brace ourselves for rejection when we try to explain BPD in our child. Your younger daughter meet you with love and acceptance, how great for all of you.
   I think it's nice that you have notice she is coming. That way you can practice your skills at using S.E.T. Maybe you could teach your younger daughter what that means. I know breaking down in front of her upset you, I see that as a deep mothers love. Have you talked with her about it, what she thinks, or how she feels about seeing you cry?
  I'm hoping your visit goes well. Get back to us, let us know.

[KT’s Ma]

Hi BlueK9
My younger daughter is wide beyond her years. Nothing I told her was a surprise. Most of her questions were about my behavior. Why do you keep doing that? Don’t expect her to change. And the most painful observation of all; I know she loves you but I don’t think she likes being with you.

So I spent the weekend staying away from her and keeping our conversations to a minimum. When she got angry with me, I would explain that I didn’t have sufficient information to know I was going to hurt her and things like that. She tolerated me.

She’s leaving on Wednesday for RTC. It wasn’t an easy process. So many people to talk to. So many different instructions.

Finally our family doctor called the center and straight from it all out. She also made an appointment for me because I am Jello. No substance. Just going through the motions.

I feel unimportant. I feel like a total failure as a mother. I do everything wrong. My husband does everything right. It probably has something to do with the fact that I do everything to do with out DD.

Thanks for reaching out. I have four more days to finish this part of the journey. Then on to part 2,

[Merlot]

hi KT's Ma

My younger daughter is wide beyond her years. Nothing I told her was a surprise. Most of her questions were about my behavior. Why do you keep doing that? Don’t expect her to change. And the most painful observation of all; I know she loves you but I don’t think she likes being with you.

Your daughter is wise indeed.  She is giving you much needed support and she is so very right as she recognises that we can't change their behaviour, only ourselves.  Have faith that your DD loves you very much, however the internal struggle within them seems to evoke behaviour which leads us to believe the contrary.  Being able to validate her feelings is important in letting her know how much you love her too, and as parents we can do this without validating the behaviour.

She also made an appointment for me because I am Jello. No substance. Just going through the motions.

I feel unimportant. I feel like a total failure as a mother. I do everything wrong. My husband does everything right. It probably has something to do with the fact that I do everything to do with out DD.

I know this is incredibly difficult for you and I felt much the same way you do, however as I have taken time for self care and learned about BPD, I have been able to examine my own reactions to my DD that seemed to contribute to the hostile territory I occupied with her.   

As difficult as it has been, I've been able to make small changes; set some clear boundaries, stick to them and validate her feelings.  While I am NC with my DD, I feel proud of making these inroads and it has restored some of my strength and integrity.

Please know that you are incredibly important, not just to your DD but to your entire family and you are very much needed; in particular your husband.  I note that many parents write about how their child idolises one parent over the other.  It seems to be very characteristic of BPD.

Are you able to share about the four days?

Hang in there, we are all here to support you.

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hi KT’s Ma,

My younger daughter is wide beyond her years. Nothing I told her was a surprise. Most of her questions were about my behavior. Why do you keep doing that? Don’t expect her to change. And the most painful observation of all; I know she loves you but I don’t think she likes being with you.

It’s amazing isn’t it how our other kids see things differently to us, one of our daughters always used to say to us similar things that your daughter has said to you. I used to welcome her different perspective and I knew that what she was saying was right, but I just carried on the same as always. I didn’t know how to do things differently and more importantly, I didn’t even know that there was a different way. Not until I found this site and now I do know that there is another way of doing things.

Yes, it is painful to be told that your daughter loves you but doesn’t like being around you, you would think that the two go together, loving someone and wanting to be around that person. Sadly it doesn’t always work that way. I know my son used to just tolerate me.

I feel unimportant. I feel like a total failure as a mother. I do everything wrong. My husband does everything right. It probably has something to do with the fact that I do everything to do with out DD.

Yes, I can relate to that, I also felt a total failure as a mother. I used to be the one that my son always turned to but now he turns to his grandmother (my mother), and she just loves the ‘power feeling’ that she gets from it. I wish that things were different but it’s just another thing that I have to accept.

I have four more days to finish this part of the journey. Then on to part 2,

So, you are counting the days until your daughter starts RTC on Wednesday and who would blame you for that, it’s something I do too, we just need to get by. I hope that part 2 works out much better for you, please keep us up to date 

[Scout206]

Hello KT's Ma,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this blow to your self esteem.  Unfortunately, it's all too common for those of us still loving our BPD sons and daughters to slog our way through this type of negativity.   You say "I feel unimportant. I feel like a total failure as a mother. I do everything wrong"   I completely understand and share those feelings all too often.  I have days when I feel stronger, but these sentiments are too often still true for me.   I can tell myself intellectually that I AM important, I am a GOOD mother and everything I do is NOT wrong.   But when my devastated emotions are triggered my neural pathways send me down that same sad road.  How can I not to feel that way?  The daughter I have cherished and protected for 30 years, tells me these things about myself.  Intellectually, I know she is BPD and her behavior = her illness.  But it is a constant struggle to get past her blame and cruel words.   I really have to work at it.  I am encouraged to see that your younger daughter seems to have maturity beyond her years.  What a relief that must be.  Let us know how things are progressing and every time you have those bad feelings about yourself, remember that you are not alone and those statements do not define you.   Be kind to yourself.  On that note, I decided to get a massage this week.  I'm doing that to be compassionate to myself.  I need to think of that more often.  Let us know how you are doing KT's Ma.   We all have each other to lean on while riding this roller coaster.   Scout206  PS  We are not JELLO!  Not by a long shot.

[KT’s Ma]

Thanks for your kind words of support. I don’t know how to respond to each post individually so this is for all of you. My daughter is home. She came in on Sunday. She was supposed to be here Saturday. I asked her to make arrangements for mail pick up, rent payment and asked her to throw out any perishable food.
I just asked her if she had taken care of these things. She said no and “geez mom, there are bigger things to worry about than this.” So I went into mother mode and explained why these things are important.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” Leaves the room. Sends her little sister in to tell me to get over it. Little sister comes in. Says “you’re supposed to get over it but I don’t think you have to.”

Husband gets home. Hi Daddy. All is well.

We live 2 1/2 hours from the airport. She screwed up her name on her ticket and can only correct it at the terminal. In order to get to the airport with plenty of time, she and my husband have to leave at 5:30. So we decided they should leave tonight and stay with friends. She got really sad and said she wanted to spend as much time at home as she could. This doesn’t explain why she chose to come home on Sunday instead of Saturday. Aargh

That was just a vent.
XX

[Feeling Better]

Hi KT’s Ma

It’s ok to vent, in fact at times it’s good to vent.

I love the comment from your youngest daughter

 “you’re supposed to get over it but I don’t think you have to.”

I know it’s been said before how wise she is, and she is.

I sincerely hope that she can get her ticket sorted at the terminal with the minimum of bother x