I'm just sad and tired, last week 15 yr daughter told me someone molested her

[Sadmom03]

I’m just sad and tired. About 2 years ago, my 15 year old daughter’s therapist said she couldn’t help her and suggested she had BPD. She told us to find someone who specializes in it. We first put her in therapy when she was 4. Her dad and I divorced when she was 6. I got married again when she was 8. She has always had a love/hate relationship with her step dad. Last week, she told me someone (she didn’t know who) molested her when she was about 9 at my house. Obviously accusing her step dad but not naming him. God forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe he did. She still has a love/hate relationship with him now. She’s been hospitalized 3 times in the last couple of years. 3 times in day treatment. She started cutting after her first hospitalization because she could see how much attention it got the other kids. Her health class just talked about sexual abuse. This feels the same. Because she hasn’t named him, we don’t have authorities involved yet. She has told her therapist and her high school guidance counselor. Her father isn’t aware yet. Her biological brother (11) basically hates her. Her step brother (20) is kind of afraid of her. I just don’t know how to go on. She is going to ruin her step father’s life and I feel like I have to stand by and watch. I’m just so tired.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Sadmom03 and welcome,

So much going on right now, no wonder you are sad and tired 

I am so sorry that your daughter has led you to wonder (I assume because she won’t name the person) whether or not her step dad may have molested her when she was 9. What a terrible situation to be in and I guess there is nothing that you can do about it unless she actually names the person who molested her.

You say that she has always had a love/hate relationship with her step dad, did it start once you were married, or maybe earlier?

[Sadmom03]

She hated him when she met him. And loved him. I don’t believe he did this to her. I just don’t know what’s going to happen. So far, he is sticking with us. Just keeps telling me that we need to get her help. I’m just not sure what else we can do. She is in a DBT weekly group and has an individual therapist. Her father refuses to let her be medicated.

[bluek9]

Hi Sadmom03,

  What a hard confusing place to be for you   teenage years are tough enough without adding mental health issues. Once upon a time I had the same situation with my D, she was 14 at the time. It can be really scary for step spouse. Allegations can be very hurtful. I'm very glad he keeps saying "we need to get her help". I can see his support for you in that statement. Hope he is here in this place with you, you can both learn together.  When you said 'I'm just not sure what else we can do" just keep loving her!  she didn't ask for this, neither did you. I firmly believe a parents love can show a child how much them mean.

[Sadmom03]

BlueK9,

How did you handle it when your D accused your husband. I’ve told her I don’t believe he did this to her. I also want to support her though. How do I support her if I think she’s wrong? I don’t know if I believe she is lying to manipulate or she has convinced herself of this and it is her reality. Unfortunately, she has a tendency to make thinkgs up to get her attention and doesn’t seem to care if it’s positive or negative attention. I just kept thinking she would grow out of it. Right now, I feel like every moment I’m waiting for my life to end. I don’t know how to go on.

[wendydarling]

Hi Sadmom03  

It must be heart breaking for your husband to feel loved and hated by your daughter since you married and now this. As bk9 says he's asking for you to reach out for help with him, it is the right thing to do. Your gut says this is not true, is a good place to start.

WDx

[bluek9]

Hi again Sadmom03,

   You asked some pretty important questions. At the time I knew she had autism, but also knew there was something more, jusy didn't have a name for it. Of course I didn't know about radical acceptence either. My support to her was just to be there, to listen. I asked her to come to me every time she felt he did something that made her uncomfortable. As parents we always interacted with her together, that way there was no side taking. My D also was a master manipulator. I felt like I never could tell what the truth was. Unfortunately that issue goes hand in hand with BPD. Over the years I've learned and implemented some pretty heavy duty boundaries. For my D she seems to have learned that if her manipulation doesn't work on me, she backs off. That has only come from practice and consistency on my part, that way she alredy knows exactly what she going to get or not get from me.
  I'm so very sorry that you are feeling like you're waiting for life to end   what an awful place to be in. Stay united with your husband, support each other. Some how as parents deep down we find the courage to put one foot in front of the other. Remember that underneath your baby is really scared and doesn't know how to self-regulate.
         sending you support and love Sadmom03

[wendydarling]

Hi Sadmom03

How are you today? We are here listening.  

WDx