What are you grateful for?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi family,

Here on the Detaching board we come together to grieve our lost love, to detach and heal.  We all experience a great deal of pain and some of us have great difficulty in letting go, or stopping rumination, self criticism and can get stuck in the all too common what if's.  I recently started a thread on what we're doing to help ourselves in our detaching, and shared a list of things that have been helpful to myself.  I'd like to pick up on one of those things and look at it more closely. 

Gratitude is scientifically proven to have many benefits, including but not limited to:

Improving relationships and helping us to form new ones more easily
Improvement in physical health
Improvement in psychological health by increasing happiness and reducing depression
Improved sleep
Improved self esteem
Improved resilience to stressors

There are many resources out there if you search for Gratitude, so I won't start to quote every study or guide, but I did find a video which gives a good summary of the benefits that I'll share with you.

Robert Emmons, Benefits of Gratitude

Even in the midst of the most overwhelming pain and anguish, we can still choose to stop and literally smell the roses.  Not everything in our lives is bad, even though it may feel that way sometimes.  Although this relationship is a loss we must grieve and with that comes a whole host of emotions, there may be things about it that we can already be grateful for.  We may be grateful to be out of it in other cases.  Personally I was glad to come out of it alive and safe.  I was grateful for the emotional and practical support I was given in getting my son back, whom I lost in the process of my BPD r/s ending.  I was grateful for the peace in my home.  I could write a long list, and probably will at a later point in this thread. 

Right now, I'd like to ask what you're grateful for and to hear your thoughts on how it helps you to take time out to acknowledge the things you appreciate.  It doesn't have to relate to your r/s - it can be gratitude for life itself.  Anything at all.

Thanks for reading and I'll look forward to your replies.

Love and light x 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi family,

Here on the Detaching board we come together to grieve our lost love, to detach and heal.  We all experience a great deal of pain and some of us have great difficulty in letting go, or stopping rumination, self criticism and can get stuck in the all too common what if's.  I recently started a thread on what we're doing to help ourselves in our detaching, and shared a list of things that have been helpful to myself.  I'd like to pick up on one of those things and look at it more closely. 

Gratitude is scientifically proven to have many benefits, including but not limited to:

Improving relationships and helping us to form new ones more easily
Improvement in physical health
Improvement in psychological health by increasing happiness and reducing depression
Improved sleep
Improved self esteem
Improved resilience to stressors

There are many resources out there if you search for Gratitude, so I won't start to quote every study or guide, but I did find a video which gives a good summary of the benefits that I'll share with you.

Robert Emmons, Benefits of Gratitude

Even in the midst of the most overwhelming pain and anguish, we can still choose to stop and literally smell the roses.  Not everything in our lives is bad, even though it may feel that way sometimes.  Although this relationship is a loss we must grieve and with that comes a whole host of emotions, there may be things about it that we can already be grateful for.  We may be grateful to be out of it in other cases.  Personally I was glad to come out of it alive and safe.  I was grateful for the emotional and practical support I was given in getting my son back, whom I lost in the process of my BPD r/s ending.  I was grateful for the peace in my home.  I could write a long list, and probably will at a later point in this thread. 

Right now, I'd like to ask what you're grateful for and to hear your thoughts on how it helps you to take time out to acknowledge the things you appreciate.  It doesn't have to relate to your r/s - it can be gratitude for life itself.  Anything at all.

Thanks for reading and I'll look forward to your replies.

Love and light x 

[heartandwhole]

Such a great reminder, HQ! 

I feel so grateful for a healthy body and mind, for the delicious, healthy food I eat every day, for the beautiful natural world I see outside my window when I wake up in the morning. I feel grateful for laughter and affection in my life.

I feel grateful for the precious time I get to spend with family, friends, and children.

I feel grateful for this community, which has helped me and brought me understanding and support. I guess that means I’m grateful for the relationship that brought me here, too. 

That’s what is coming right now. I could go on all day. 

Thanks for letting me share.

heartandwhole

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks heartandwhole, that's a great list!  There are so many things that we could easily take for granted, and acknowledging the areas of our lives that we are grateful for is really enriching and uplifting.  Thanks for sharing these with us. 

I noticed that as I read your reply it helped me to tap into my own gratitude further.  This could become a very positive thread towards supporting our healing in that respect.  I hope so.

Love and light x

[spacecadet]

Wonderful topic HQ.

Friends new and old who love me as I am

This amazing new home with so much art and music, it’s played a huge part in healing

My counselor - took 3 tries to find the one and it feels "meant to be" - she's very supportive and helps me recognize my strength and talents

Health - I had a problem with my retina detaching one week ago, and a friend recommended a great ophthalmologist who repaired it

Enormous amount of personal freedom - I’d like to have love but until then I do what I want, when I want to

My cat who makes me laugh daily

We're having a beautiful spring

[lenfan]

This website, my T and the SWOE book.

Friends. Family. Good health.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks spacecadet and lenfan for your input!  Some great recognition of things to be grateful for coming up    (spacecadet, I'm also glad to hear that your retina is back where it belongs... .)

I read a really helpful guide on how to practice gratitude, which gave me some ideas and things to focus on more mindfully.  Even if we routinely spend time on gratitude and appreciation, it's good to be reminded of ways we can bring this into our lives even more. 

9 WAYS TO CULTIVATE GRATITUDE

1 Notice your day-to-day world from a point of gratitude and be amazed at all the goodness we take for granted.

2 Keep a gratitude journal. All it requires is noting one or more things you are grateful for on a daily basis. No fancy notebook, no computer program required.

3 If you identify something or someone with a negative trait (the cold conference room), switch it in your mind to a positive trait (the conference room with a great view).

4 Gratitude requires humility, which the dictionary defines as being "modest and respectful." Explore where it fits in your life.

5 Give at least one compliment daily, whether directly to a person or by sharing your appreciation of something ("I love how quiet it is in the morning, don’t you?".

6 When you find yourself in a bad situation ask: What can I learn? When I look back on this, without emotion, what will I be grateful for?

7 Vow to not complain, criticize, or gossip for a week. If you slip, rally your willpower and keep going. Notice how much energy you were spending on negative thoughts.

8 Sound genuinely happy to hear from the people who call you on the phone. Whether they respond with surprise or delight, they'll feel valued.

9 Join a cause that's important to you. Donate money, time, or talent. By getting involved, you’ll better appreciate the organization — and it will appreciate you more, too.

This list comes from the following article:

https://www.unstuck.com/gratitude/

I particularly like the way that gratitude crosses over with kindness, which I've spoken about a lot in the past.  Both of these acts (and acknowledgement of how they make us feel) allow us to tap into our soothing emotional system and spend less time in the threat, or achieving systems, which can have us feeling stressed and anxious.  Implementing ways to tap into that soothing emotional system within our lives can bring us more feelings of contentment and connectedness, which may have been lost in the chaos of a r/s and the aftermath of a breakup.  I hope this is helpful to some in their quest to heal.

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HQ,

Great reminders!  I'll start with something simple: I'm grateful to return home after work without the expectation of a confrontation.  I used to dread leaving the office because it meant that I faced a potential firestorm at home.  I loved seeing our kids, but after they went to bed my Ex would get drunk and belligerent, and start acting out on her rage.  It was hard to avoid when I was living under the same roof, so I did a lot of grilling over charcoal outdoors with a glass of red wine, at a distance from my BPDxW.  One positive outcome: I became an expert at grilling!

I also practice the Grace/Grateful approach.  If I feel depressed, sad, upset, or otherwise having a bar hair day, I try to be graceful and try to postpone any heavy lifting until the dark cloud passes.  When I'm having a good day, I remind myself to be grateful that I feel self-confident, competent, and generally OK.

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

Grateful to have things I previously took for granted.

Ive only recently started to feel as if my life has returned to some form of normalacy, no chaos, no fights, no drama. Id forgotten what it meant to have a sense of stability and peace.

It has been strange to actually find a form of intense happiness in having just reverted back to a mode of living that i had taken for granted, to the point of thinking it didnt exist.

grateful for reconnecting back to my family who had been sidelined.
grateful to this community for steering me out of some pretty dark and confusing times.
grateful to have the opportunity that in the process of healing, hope that in some way, someone else can improve upon their situation by applying their own insight into what ive been through.

Sleep is on Harley Quinn's list, im grateful that the nightmares have gone, not waking up to a feeling of being drowned alive by anxiety and thinking erroneously that this is just part of the programme involved in loving someone.

grateful that in the midst of feeling down, im able to put a smile on a strangers face. hearing someone complain about stuff that seems so banal and trivial compared to what i feel ive been through and give them the confidence to get over their own issues.

grateful for learning to accept that there are things in life that I cant change, no matter how much id wish I could.

at the moment im grateful to have found a semblance of peace back in my life, to have found a new perspective and appreciation for things that id overlooked in light of putting another person as the centre of my universe. Grateful that my mind has broadened beyond that, to realise there is a big world out there and there was more meaning and experiences to pursue in my life than I had resigned myself to.

Last but not least, im grateful for even having this chance to post how grateful i am; that I was unbanned because someone recognised my outbursts were a sign of someone in need of help at a time when I needed it most. I dont take for granted that the feelings of strength I have today are in correlation to the kindness I have been given by complete strangers. At the same time, im grateful to have went on this journey alongside others who have found themselves facing their own unique struggles, if there has became any positive insights resulting from sharing my experience that leads to someone finding some element of comfort or insight that leads them towards a better outlook, im grateful that what ive been through can have even more positive extracted from it than I previously had thought of it as.

Grateful to Marlboro and Kenco for being stalwart loyal companions through these turbulent times, sure i should probably start going easy on them, yea I know they are fake friends, but they deserve a mention of gratitude all the same. Id like to end with a classic quote;

"you dont know what you have until its gone"

but that can apply just as much for recognising the sudden unburdining of the negatives we choose to carry through life as it does not appreciating the positives. Im grateful just as much for what ive "lost" as what ive gained or even simply reclaimed.

[Harley Quinn]

I also practice the Grace/Grateful approach.  If I feel depressed, sad, upset, or otherwise having a bar hair day, I try to be graceful and try to postpone any heavy lifting until the dark cloud passes.  When I'm having a good day, I remind myself to be grateful that I feel self-confident, competent, and generally OK.

I like this approach LJ.  It sounds like having self compassion when we need it and recognition of ourselves when we're doing well.  These are two things we're not taught in school, and are so important to learn. 

Love and light x

[once removed]

what helped me in the aftermath of my relationship was simply having things to look forward to. it helped get me through, and start seeing a better future.

so i was very grateful for those things

[Harley Quinn]

What sorts of things did you plan in to look forward to OR?

Love and light x

[once removed]

really hard to say/remember. little things. "im seeing a friend friday"... ."a new movie im excited about comes out in a month". i was pretty isolated at the time, so anything really.

[PearlPark]

I am grateful for the breakup in itself.

Without it, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I wouldn't have gotten the help that I so desperately need. I am grateful that if we were still together, things would have probably gotten worse for both of us.

I am grateful for having a wonderful family that loves me and supports me. I am grateful for living in the country I do that has incredible healthcare, lovely people and an amazing landscape. I am grateful for all the delicious food that is provided in this country, especially with it being a higher quality than places I've been too.

I am grateful for her as well. Even though she equates me to her evil father now (who is actually a bad guy), she has shown me what it feels to be loved, she has shown me what love feels like and she has taught me many great lessons. I am grateful for her for coming into my life.

[Harley Quinn]

That's a great list PearlPark. I can really relate to what you're saying that your ex and the breakup gave you. It's wonderful that you can see the positives in a painful situation. I believe everything happens for a reason and we must extract the valuable lessons meant for us. I too am grateful for these things. Do you think this helps with your detaching?

Love and light x

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Well, today I am grateful for having great coworkers. I am grateful for having my sisters and my mothers. I am also greatful for my therapist who has done great job for helping me deal with my own fear of being a narcissist. I am grateful for all the help I have got in last months.

[Harley Quinn]

MMN you're right, support is so valuable to all of us. I'm grateful for all of my support network too. Perhaps we can extend gratitude to ourselves for seeking and accepting that help for ourselves. We so often leave ourselves off the list of people to acknowledge and it all starts with us and our choice to recognise we need that help. Just a thought.

Love and light x

[PearlPark]

Do you think this helps with your detaching?

It has helped me alleviate the pain of the breakup more so than the detachment. I know now that if we were still together, I would still be the old me, where I was constantly struggling with a variety of different things. I've grown more in these past 6 months that the last 6 years. I'm grateful for it happening, but I'm not happy that it did. But I know that I'm more ready and mentally equiped to handle the adult world now.

I miss her dearly with each day and I tell myself that everything happens for a reason. It was meant to happen to help me walk the path to a better me, to a place where I become stronger. I only hope this helps her eventually, because she desperately needs it.

In the end, everything will happen for a reason, people that are meant to be in your lives, will be. Some will leave forever, some will be gone for a time. In the meantime, I'm focusing on the person that will never leave my life and that's myself.

[Harley Quinn]

In the end, everything will happen for a reason, people that are meant to be in your lives, will be. Some will leave forever, some will be gone for a time. In the meantime, I'm focusing on the person that will never leave my life and that's myself.

Amen to that PearlPark. 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Tonight I am feeling grateful for my counsellor, who has walked me through so much soul searching and putting together of shattered pieces of myself.  For her continual encouragement and reality checks.  For helping me to see that whilst I am the author of my life story, I may not have considered the things outside of my control as not being my responsibility. 

I am grateful for the wonderful and inspiring members who make up this amazing supportive community by reaching out to one another and sharing hope for the future.  For the fact that so many lives are touched by every post shared here by peers in support of others.  For the collective goal to face the pain and come out on the other side of it stronger, wiser and emotionally healthier.  For the amount of love , kindness, compassion and empathy that is here amongst these pages.

How about you?

Love and light x