Being triggered, falling apart and putting myself back together

[Feeling Better]

Hi,

I feel I need to write about this, I have been feeling a bit down this week.

It all started after reading a post, it led me to start thinking about my NC uBPD son and the more I thought about him the sadder I became. My worst day was Wednesday. I took my dog for a walk in the afternoon, normally it does me a power of good. I was fine, I happily said my goodbyes to family but as soon as I closed the front door behind me and without any prior warning I could feel tears welling up.

Walking my dog is my thinking time, my putting things into perspective time, my healing time. Not that day, I fell apart. Every thought I had just seemed to bring on the tears and so I just walked and cried. I needed to do that.

I realised that reading that post had triggered my thoughts and emotions and it took me completely by surprise.

I’d thought that I was doing ok. I thought I’d accepted that what is... .IS. I thought that I was getting on with my life.

Now I’ve questioned my coping mechanisms and I am looking for reassurance that it is ok to put thoughts about my son to the back of my mind. I haven’t forgotten about my son by doing that but I feel that I need to do that in order to get on with my life. I spent so many months of my life feeling heartbroken, just literally being in the depths of despair. I can’t let myself go back there, I just can’t. I know people here understand and I thank you all for that x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Insom]

Hi, Feeling Better!

Thanks for letting us know how you're doing.  It sounds like that post you read struck a nerve.  I can relate very much to feeling sideswiped by unexpected tears.

I am looking for reassurance that it is ok to put thoughts about my son to the back of my mind. I haven’t forgotten about my son by doing that but I feel that I need to do that in order to get on with my life.

Yes!    Of course it's OK to put thoughts about your son to the side while you get on with your life.  Of course you haven't forgotten.  It's normal and healthy to claim time and space to care for yourself.  it sounds like you already have a nice routine going on with walking your dog.  Is there anything else in the way of self care you'd like to add?  What does "getting on with my life" look like to you that's different from what you're doing now?

 

[MomMae]

Now I’ve questioned my coping mechanisms and I am looking for reassurance that it is ok to put thoughts about my son to the back of my mind. I haven’t forgotten about my son by doing that but I feel that I need to do that in order to get on with my life. I spent so many months of my life feeling heartbroken, just literally being in the depths of despair. I can’t let myself go back there, I just can’t. I know people here understand and I thank you all for that x

Feeling Better, I couldn't agree more with Insom above, that it is not only perfectly fine to put these thoughts to the back of your mind, it is essential to your own mental health.  It takes so much strength and inner fortitude to do that ... .I know, I have been there when my daughter was either volatile or in low/no contact with us.  Presently, I still practice putting upsetting thoughts to the back of my mind both regarding my daughter and overwhelming worry about my son who had a major TBI, because otherwise I am a walking bundle of nerves and constantly on high alert or the verge of tears. 

If you have any control over it, Feeling Better, I don't think you should let yourself go back there... .It is not healthy and serves no purpose.  You love your son, that is abundantly clear.  You are a caring, wonderful person who deserves to carve out whatever life you can for yourself despite the most devastating of circumstances.  You have been kind to me, and I thank you for that and am grateful.  Keep doing whatever you need to to keep yourself "feeling better", FB.

  MM

[bluek9]

Hi FB,

     hugs to you! You wouldn't be a loving mom if you didn't side swiped, triggered on occasion. I'm pretty sure it happens to us all, I know it does me. So often I read here the turmoil of parents who are in NC with BPD kids; I think to myself that must tear your heart out. I do totally agree with you about putting thoughts of your son in the back of your mind, on the back burner so to speak. Some things we just need a break from thinking about 24/7, it's healthy.
   As a counselor I can share with you being triggered is normal, by no means does it call into questions your coping mechanisms. My goodness, after all you did come here to share, that speaks volume about how healthy you are.    Hang in there, I also liked the way you just let those thoughts be, you walked and cried also pretty healthy. Thanks for sharing, that we can tell you how much we support you.

[Scout206]

Oh Feeling Better!  You have helped me put myself back together.  I hope I can be of some help to you.   I could have written your post - I get emotionally side swiped often.  In fact my last post was written when I was feeling so low that I started questioning whether I could get my feet back on the ground.  I am grieving over not being invited to my NC uBPD daughter's wedding in a few weeks.   Everything about weddings, happy couples etc. triggers me right now and I never know when it will come up next.  A commercial for diamonds on TV?  Someone asking me how her wedding plans are coming along?   I told my counselor that if I didn't have this place where I could express my feelings without having to explain anything - I don't know what I would do.   Your coping mechanisms are healthy - I think mine are too but it is easy to question them when the despair takes over again.   I think it is normal and probably healthy for us to have occasional meltdowns (at least I hope it is.)   This pain is almost unbearable and no matter what we tell ourselves intellectually, deep down we keep wondering what we could have done differently.  If I didn't develop the ability to put thoughts of my daughter on the back burner, I don't think I would survive.  I have spent most of the time without her grieving and just trying to get through each day.  (I just started crying while writing this so know that I definitely feel your pain)  I am only starting to accept that I cannot make rational sense out of an irrational disease.  As you say - What is... .IS.  We are here for you whenever you need support.  We can't be strong all time time.  That's not healthy either.   I wish we could walk our dogs together.    PM me anytime if you wish.   Scout206

[Feeling Better]

Thanks Insom for your very kind words, I can normally deal with triggers ok, I just let this one get to me for a little longer than was good for me. Being able to write it all down has helped me so much along with all the caring replies I have received.

I needed reassurance because I was starting to think that by putting thoughts about my son out of my mind that I was in denial. I know that I am not in denial, I am fully aware of my situation, it’s just those darn emotions muddled all my thoughts up. You ask about my self care and I have to say that it can be up and down, depending how I’m feeling and what things are going on in my life. I try but I could probably do better, I need to work on spending more time with friends.

What does "getting on with my life" look like to you that's different from what you're doing now?

Good question and actually “getting on with my life” is what I am doing right now. I have to get on with my life and I have to accept what I can’t change, it’s just that sometimes other things get in the way, little set backs, but I’m getting there.

MomMae, thank you also for your kind words, and you are right, it is healthy to put these thoughts to the back of my mind, I know this, but at times it can be so difficult once emotions have taken over.
I know how difficult things have been for you too, you have had so much to endure with your daughter and your son too, what a strong person you are MomMae and an inspiration to us all. I thank you so much for your encouragement, it means a lot, especially when self doubt creeps in. I won’t allow myself to go back into despair. No way! This girl is moving forward, thanks to all the help and support I’ve been given 

bluek9, yes, I’m pretty sure that being triggered happens to us all here, I suppose it’s inevitable really and I hope that by speaking up about it others will be able to relate too.
I thank you so much for your support too, as I’ve said myself before, it’s so good to be able to talk to people who understand what we are going through and who just “get it”

Scout206, you are amazing, you have come such a long way and I am so glad to have shared part of your journey with you. You have already helped me, because every time I have posted in one of your threads it has helped in my own healing process. That’s what this place is about, by helping others we also help ourselves.
I’m sorry to hear that you have also on occasion been triggered, and I can definitely see how anything wedding related is just going to set you off, I’m sure I would be a complete mess if it was me going through what you are going through. Hold tight! 
Thanks for the reassurance about my coping mechanisms, even though I knew that they were healthy it’s so unnerving when uncertainty creeps in.
Thanks to you also for saying “we can’t be strong all the time”, how true. I needed to hear that 

It would be great to walk our dogs together. Ok, so that’s not possible, but at least WE can walk together 

[Lollypop]

Hey Feelingbetter

I suppose it’s inevitable really and I hope that by speaking up about it others will be able to relate too.

I’d like to thank you for posting about this.  I know you’ve put all your energy in to change your circumstances.  It’s incredibly hard to be consistent and persistent over a long period. Reflection helps us see when we need to take that foot off that gas pedal, to slow down a bit.

I’ve been triggered too. More importantly, I reached a point where I found it practically impossible to validate. I had to leave the forum for a while - it was like I’d lost that skill. So I took a break from posting, sometimes not logging on for a few weeks. I felt ok, nothing seemed to have changed and I found this inability so confusing.

Looking back now I can see it was stress, my patience was wearing thin in an another area of my life.

Learning self-care is such a challenge for me. I think you’re finding it so too sometimes?  I’m trying to practise it but it’s so hard to put myself first sometimes, or to recognise that by joining in with others would do me good. I tend to hole myself up and feel sorry for myself - then I feel lonely.

FB, I’m glad you posted. 

LP

[Feeling Better]

I’d like to thank you Lollypop for sharing that you also have been triggered in the past. I can relate so much to what you have written, it is really important to take that step back and gain perspective.

Wow, you are spot on, self care has always been an issue for me, I have always put others before me, lack of self worth, I’m trying to change it. I do matter and my feelings matter too, I am allowed to have them and so too are you and all the other self sacrificing parents out there. And yes, I am as ‘guilty’ as you of holing myself up, retreating from the world and feeling sorry for myself. Many a time I have stayed in when I could have gone out, making up excuses, only to wish later that I hadn’t. Then I tell myself that next time will be different. Who am I kidding? Yep, I’m definitely still work in progress x

[Yepanotherone]

 Hugs to your FB , I actually believe that putting things to the back of your mind ind is a GOOD coping mechanism . Otherwise, how else could we go on day to day ? There’s only so much heartache and trauma we can deal with .

My DD seems to continue to be doing really well . In fact some days it pops into my head that things just seem too good to be true . When that thought pops into my head I do start wondering if all is what it seems ... .or is she managing to carry on with her secret dark life and I don’t know it. Sometimes I think maybe I should start snooping again. Maybe I should  go searching for evidence that things aren’t actually as good as the Seem on the surface . And you know what ? I just can’t do it . I just can’t put myself through that again . If she is doing seedy stuff in secret again , I just don’t want to face it. I do t want to know . I feel guilty about that feeling , but in all honesty , I’m not prepared to go to that place again with her . So I put all thoughts of “ maybe she’s doing this “ and “ maybe she’s doing that “ to the back of my mind . So don’t feel your coping mechanisms aren’t effective . We do what we have to do x

All signs still look really encouraging and my DD hasn’t given me any reason to believe she’s not doing well for a quite a few months now so fingers crossed this continues . But those  two years of the worst pain and absolute trauma still sits with me , I do wonder if I might be purposefully ignoring things , but then on the flip side it also serves me well to concentrate on all the positive things we have right now and I chide myself for not trusting her or for being paranoid that the next crises is just waiting to drop the axe !

Ps ... .nothing like a good cry . It’s a healthy emotional coping mechanism too . I’ve had deep gut wrenching sobbing sessions in my time and I’ve always felt much calmer and able to think more clearly again afterwards .

Lots of love to you FB . Keep on marching forward , onwards and upwards x

[Merlot]

Hi Feeling Better

I’d thought that I was doing ok. I thought I’d accepted that what is... .IS. I thought that I was getting on with my life.

You have been such a pillar of strength for me on my journey of NC and along with many others, picked me up on some of my darkest days and I will always be very grateful.   

What I can say, is that you've been doing fabulously; you're posts and inspirations to all of us are testament to that .  You most likely have accepted many things and have really been getting on with your life, but that doesn't stop you from being human and travelling a path of grief unique to you.  And from time to time, you will hurt... .sometimes in response to a trigger, and sometimes... .just because... .

I can’t let myself go back there, I just can’t.

I think just recognising that you can park things to the back of your mind as a coping mechanism but allow yourself to pull that barrier down to grieve periodically is all part of the healing process.

I had a very bad day a few weeks ago when I was triggered by my sister in law ringing me to tell me she had been asked by my DD27 to have dinner.  I can't explain why I had such an emotional reaction and I cried for hours... .but I must have needed to do that because since then, I have been ok.  I let something out... .something go and I've come up for air again and no doubt you will too.

Hugs to you Feeling Better   
Merlot

[Daisy123]

Hello Feelingbetter,
I truly appreciate you sharing your experience. It made me realize just how vigilant we need to be of ourselves. We are often caught up in thinking and rethinking our loved ones’ actions and reactions, aren’t we.

You allowed yourself to experience that grief of loss on your walk, but you also knew when to put a flag in it and call it. Putting your loved one to the back of your mind has shown me that we need to make space so when can live as full of a life with or without our loved ones. That is self care.

I’ve had what I call therapy flu. That’s when my therapist and I have gone too far in a session and the next day, I am
Overly exhausted, feeling physically sick and have a tough time getting through that day.

I’ve had to learn when to stop and say- this is just too much.

More importantly- what I got from your story is the absolute mindful determination it takes to have a functioning life separate from our loved ones’ dramas.

Thank you for sharing.

Daisy123

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi, I just want to catch up and thank all you lovely people who have offered such kind words of support to me. I feel really humbled that you have all taken the time to do that, it really does mean a lot to me.

Yepanotherone, thanks for your caring response. I know deep down that I am doing the right thing, putting things to the back of my mind, but sometimes self doubt makes me question my motives for doing that. As you say, how else could we go on from day to day? We have to cope and we have to find healthy ways of doing it.

I get what you are saying about thinking sometimes that things seem to be too good to be true and then questioning whether they actually are, and I agree, sometimes it’s best to just not know. There is some truth in the saying ‘ignorance is bliss’ especially if it helps us to get on with our own lives.

I am so pleased for you that your daughter is still doing well, it’s really great to hear such positive things, and you know, we are all human, it’s only natural that you will from time to time worry about the next crisis (which may or may not happen), after all the pain and trauma that you have been through x

Merlot, thank you for your very wise words, I love what you have written:

“from time to time you will hurt... .sometimes in response to a trigger, and sometimes... .just because.

That is so validating to me, to be told that it is ok to cry “just because” and I thank you so much for writing that.

Yes, you are right, it is all part of the healing process, pulling the barrier down to grieve periodically, and I can definitely say that the barriers come down a lot less frequently now, thank goodness.

I’m sorry to hear that you got triggered by your sister-in-law phoning you to tell you about having dinner with your daughter, I can understand how that would affect you, it must have been really terrible for you. I have the opposite, my mother is in contact with my son but she tells me nothing, she deliberately kept it from me until she wanted to get back at me for something I’d said to her. She wanted to hurt me and she did so by telling me that my son was contacting her on a regular basis, I still can’t forgive her for that and my relationship with her is no longer what it used to be because of it.

Daisy123, thank you so much for your support, yes you are right, putting these painful thoughts to the back of our minds IS self care, I hadn’t thought of it that way before, so thanks for pointing it out.

Therapy flu - I like that, and I too suffered it once or twice after a counselling session and was totally unprepared for it. I am glad that you have now learnt when to stop and say “this is too much”. Self awareness!

More importantly- what I got from your story is the absolute mindful determination it takes to have a functioning life separate from our loved ones’ dramas.

Thank you for sharing.

Daisy123

Thank you Daisy, can’t tell you how much that means to me, it feels so good to be validated