Struggling with his ‘eccentric’ behaviour

[Zinnia21]

Hi all. I’ve been trying for a while now to mend things back together with my on and off undiagnosed BPD partner. It’s only just now after nearly a year that he has regained most of my trust in terms of the fact he hasn’t been storming out and ‘leaving’ me anymore.

I’ve been wanting to accept his now obvious commitment to me. I want to get on board and make it an official thing again. I do love him. But it’s like every second time I see him, he kind of puts me on edge with his manic moods. And I question whether I can really be fully back with him when the years go by and he stays in denial about his condition.

Last week I saw him and he was calm and lovely. There’s a part of him that opens up and we see into each other and there’s real love and intimacy. So I had hope when I saw him last night, but it all went really badly. Lately in social or public situations he has had a few drinks and gotten ‘lively’ as he calls it. 

I try to be ok with it and at first am tolerant. But after many embarrassing interactions with random people, where he babbles excitedly and not terribly coherently to strangers and insists on being ‘entertaining’ because he’s bored and doesn’t want to be one of those ‘boring f#*kers’ as he describes cool calm and collected people who hold their own... but the people he accosts are obviously confused or confronted by his behaviour. He doesn’t seem to notice 

After these interactions I get more edgy and confronted, and try at first to tell him to calm down.    Or I say I need a quiet few minutes (where he’s not talking at me and over me). He sees this as me not accepting him, and the alcohol fuels his perceived rejections.

Before I know it, he is raising his voice on the street and telling me I must want someone else, someone ‘better’. And he tries to go down old rabbit holes of jealous accusations which I thought were maybe dead and buried. Of course they’re not erased. He’s just learnt to not bring them up so much now.

The thing that’s bothering me most is him normalising his ‘eccentric’ side. Someone who’s heightened like that doesn’t know how out there they are being. And he feels like I’m crushing some vital part of him now that I can’t deal with it anymore.
It’s an awful chicken and egg thing. The more he acts this way, the more driven away I am. And the more driven away I am, the more vulnerable and clingy he gets. Which suffocates me and makes me more distant instead of closer again.

Sad thing is that I’ve grown to normalise it all. I see it’s not ok, but I’m so used to him not getting help, not ever being stable, listening to him rage about the silliest of jealous notions (once triggered). But is getting used to it a form of ‘radical acceptance’. If it is then I’m not sure I’m cut out for it anymore.

I really wish he knew how feisty and flighty he gets at those heightened times. Does anyone else know what I mean with the BPD social crazies? Any ideas on calming one down without being ‘offensive’... ? But that particular behaviour turns me off and shuts me down. I know the one too many whiskies is also not helping him at all.

These crazy nights pass and then he’s sweet again. It’s a roller coaster where I just wish he could go through the world being that version all the time. A dream I know! But better than that is if he could recognise it when it comes on strong. Likely another dream right. I feel I’m left to fend for my sanity at those times. And he doesn’t want to hear the truth of it. But if I don’t tell, who will? How’s he going to get help? What can I do?

[pearlsw]

Hi Zinnia21,

I'll jump right in... .

My partner has been drinking at home more, not out so much, but you have my sympathies, that must feel pretty bad to be with someone you find embarrassing. Drunk people are often not fun if we are sober, but people with impulsivity and emotional reactivity on alcohol is a challenge, that's for sure.

I have to admit I prefer my SO with a drink or two in him lately. He tends to be happier, more mellow or sleepy, but there are times the high emotions come and I wonder what places he may take things as his moods begin to swing. He's also blaming me for his drinking lately, so that's been "fun." Does he have any interest in curbing his drinking or he is fine with how he acts?

Radical Acceptance is something else - observation without judgement, a means to help us with seeing reality. Normalization of awful behavior is what you have to watch out for. At times last year I felt like radical acceptance was something I was practicing and feeling pretty content about.  This year, as this kind of life drags on and the stress keeps coming and coming, I am more worried about normalization. In my case, his behavior sometimes constitute emotional abuse and I have to be mindful that I show no tolerance for such things. I mean, I think I always have, but the sheer weight and volume of my SO's stuff, and willingness to alter history, make it hard to track.

You seem to have some anger about this stuff. While it is not worth arguing in anger, it may be worth holding onto some of that anger to fuel action on your side of things. I know that I have probably not been angry enough, or too contained, too understanding even, and it has caused me to probably not make it clear enough what is absolutely unacceptable behavior.

What did you do that got him to "stop storming out" may I ask?

with compassion, pearl.

[Cat Familiar]

BPD + alcohol = problems for the partner.

I didn't realize that my husband had BPD for a number of years. I thought he was abusing alcohol and that some of the crazy behavior was just alcohol plus stress from his job.

Adding alcohol to BPD can elicit really unpredictable behavior that can be really unpleasant for you. I know that I pulled away from my husband when he would get somewhat out of control. I did not want to experience that behavior and I didn't want to see him like that. It was ruining the love I once had for him. Some of those images, the words he said, the behavior he did--I can't not see that, and it really did affect the way I feel about him.

Fortunately he's modified his behavior and doesn't get so out of control anymore, but the damage is still done. I lost that respect I once had for him and also some level of trust.

Probably the worst thing he did was to tell one of my former longterm friends to F* himself. It ruined a long friendship that I had with him and his wife. For years they had driven hours to visit me during the summer, but that was the end of that. Who could blame them either? It was an outburst during dinner when we were discussing the politics of health care--and my friends are doctors, my husband is a lawyer. It was just so crazy and unexpected. And to say I was embarrassed would only tell a tiny bit of the story.