The White Part of the Black & White World I Live In

[pearlsw]

This is my SO on a white day: (English is one of his 5 languages.)

“When my friend asked me about you today it really touched my feelings and I only told him really, really positive things about you. I told old stories about our life together and how it was such a beautiful time. I really enjoyed being with you and the time we watched a series together to get through a tough time. For me it is really a special time.

I am really sorry for every minute, every second you felt bad because of me, forgive me, I really love you from all my heart.”

He also said this, he feels this way, but I don’t, that he is “glad I am still fighting for him and still love him”… I am not so happy after all I’ve been through and I am not fighting right now, but he has seen me fight so hard for so long that he still thinks I am… [This makes me sad, sad, sad]

“When I am with you I am so happy. I am all the day working and all the time I can’t wait until I come home and see you and open the door and hear you. I just want to hug you and be happy with you.

I told my brother that I really love you. It was different when I was with my ex, I didn’t like her, [Pearl] is different I told him, I really love her. (“I was not drunk when he asked me”, he added. He's kinda drunk now... .)

I think there are so many things we have in common, we are different in a way, but it doesn’t disturb the relationship. If we were 100% compatible we would be boring, but what makes our relationship interesting is we have differences and we have to go through them and we have to find constructive ways to solve our problems. We have a lot of things in common, but also we have things which are not in common, but this is something which makes a relationship prosper. If we had 100% things in common it would be boring.

It’s not challenging if it is 100% similar, I like that our relationship is sometimes challenging. I fight for the relationship and you fight for the relationship …I was depressed and now I feel better, I’m taking medicine and I think I can deal better now with our problems, and I’m willing to be better every day. I took the medicine three weeks and I didn’t see any improvements. Now I’ve been taking it since two months, imagine if I take it for six months or a year, I’d take it for 10 years because i really feel better. I’m better, I’m happier, I’m funnier, I can talk to people normally again. Now I like to talk to people. I feel normal now.

You mean everything for me in my life. You know, when you came to me this morning for example, and I had the window open and then you were near me and I felt so good, so good, so good being near you. I really want to love you and give you all my feelings. You made me so happy by just being near me [after a fight yesterday].

I try to do my best, I am not perfect, I am sorry I am not like you wish, I do my best, I am sorry, sometimes I misunderstand you, don’t take it so serious, and maybe in the future we can communicate better. I really don’t want to be a dominant person or selfish. I really want to make you happy, but sometimes i don’t know how. But I really want to make you happy, but sometimes I don’t know how. It’s not always about me to be happy, I really care that you can be happy. God is a witness to all I say now.

I am sorry for every, every second you felt bad or hurt or anything with me. I wish I will be dead than I can do any harm… for any second you feel bad with me. I don’t want that anybody feels bad with me.

I never loved anybody... .somebody like you. I really, really love you so much baby. When I tell you you are the world for me I really mean it. You are everything for me. You are so cute. When I saw you this morning laughing and making jokes you made my day. We had a fight yesterday and when I came to you you were joking and it was so amazing, so nice. I am really very, very precise. I notice every small thing. And I know what I’m talking about when I say I love you. I’m sorry sometimes I’m depressed and then I do crazy things and I have all the understanding that you are confused and insecure and unhappy…I have the total program.

I’m sorry, but sometimes you don’t always have 100% control of yourself [meaning himself], especially if your kids are kidnapped, I never thought I’d be so unstable, but now I know what depression means. How serious it is. I heard about depression, but I thought “come on, don’t cry so much”, that was my attitude about if somebody said I’m depressed, don’t cry, but now I know how serious this is. It’s very serious. When I hear this word now my both ears are listening and I take it very, very serious now.

I don’t think this will be forever [breakups all the time] continuous like this, I don’t think so.

When I was talking to my friend today about you I really felt how lucky I was to meet you because I found my love. Then I was depressed and crazy and then things happened…crazy things happened you know... crazy things happened. My depression was bad and worse and worse and we didn’t notice what happened…I should have gone to the doctor since years…and it’s so easy. I take my medicine, tablets in the morning and then everything is okay.

I said crazy things yesterday. I put this in a different category than what happened before. I’m sorry, I am still not 100%. I ask you to be patient a little bit, please, please be patient with me. I’m only having the medicine for 2 mo’s, let’s talk after 6 mo’s. He told me I have to take the medicine double the time I started to be depressive. I have been depressive since 2010. So I have to take the medicine 14 years. I only had the medicine for 2 mo’s. I already feel very, very good now. Did you hear me saying that 2 mo’s ago?

I’m sorry I insulted your family [yesterday], I know, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I really hope, I’m really really optimistic, I really have a lot of feelings for you, I’m really happy with you, I really want to build a whole lifetime with you. And 8 years is nothing compared to what I dream about. I wait until you are 90 years old so I can have the best sex with you!

It hurts me that you went through hell to be with me. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that. God forgive me… I didn’t want that.”

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CautiousHope]

I'm always struck by the sincerity of my pwBPD's feelings in these moments of reflection. Even though he means it, that doesn't mean we aren't conditioned to know that the pendulum always swings the other way and it can be hard to know what to even think or feel when they say these things. How are you doing?

[pearlsw]

Hi CautiousHope,

Oh, how kind of you to ask!

To be honest, I am unmoved by these words. He asked me to write them down actually... .sadly... .but I am unmoved. We talk about it, we joke about it even, but yes, it will swing back and forth and back and forth. His words have nearly lost all meaning.

I try to comfort him because I see he feels bad. He keeps saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, God forgive me."

To be honest my feelings for him are fading fast. I care for him as a human, but... .I was so happy last week when I did not see or hear from him so much. Now here I am again, not smiling so much, cheering him up... .wishing for more time away. His energy is too much. His thing now is he wants me to LOVE him. He is always asking "do I love him? am I happy?"

He is worried "someone will steal me away from him because I am so pretty and so nice." It is like being with a child I am sorry to say... .



thanks again - appreciate someone listening! ~ pearl.

[CautiousHope]

Oh I really feel for you, my friend.   I am so new to all of this in comparison to many of you here, so I can only imagine the kind of wear it takes after years and years of this back and forth. I don't think it's hard to understand at all why you might be unmoved. At some point, no matter how sincere they may be, there has to be enough action to back up the words and if that never comes it would be exhausting to keep waiting for it. I'm happy to hear that you had some time for yourself, that sounds like it was healing. Is that something you've been able to do much in the past? Even just a day or two at a time?

[pearlsw]

I'm happy to hear that you had some time for yourself, that sounds like it was healing. Is that something you've been able to do much in the past? Even just a day or two at a time?

Hi again CautiousHope,  awww

Time away? No, not really, unfortunately. Of all the relationships I’ve had this one is the one I need space the most and get space the least! I live overseas, it’s another world basically, and he’s the kind of person who wants to do nearly everything together and can’t stand to be alone. He has almost no friends and our lifestyle, his lifestyle that I fell into, doesn’t lend itself to either meeting people or making friends. We are both very isolated. It’s not good.

I had a bike ride today and that gave me some nice alone time. He made sure I took my phone with me “just in case something happened” but I didn’t turn it on.

I am considering taking a solo vacation next month to get more time away. He’s made all the last visits of his kid’s pretty rotten for me, so I prefer to do my own thing and have a nice time. I’d like to enjoy my life for a change. I feel slightly guilty not to stay and help, but I really need a break, so “me first” this time if I can help it. To my surprise he understood and did not make trouble over it, yet. He does not have the details yet, I’m still formulating.

This will be a big test for me in terms of whether I give this relationship anymore chances.

thank you so much for the support!

~pearl.

[pearlsw]

He's talking about getting a tattoo in honor of me, again. Sigh. And he's in a very lovey dovey mode since I returned from my trip.

I joked, teased, and was a bit direct with him about this tattoo talk today. “Seriously, dude?” I said. “You can’t go a week without breaking up with me and you want a tattoo of my name on you? Are you out of your mind?”  “You’re gonna have to get that thing ex’ed out, and then you’ll want it back, and then you’ll ex it out…, etc.” Sheesh. He did laugh. He said he’d put hashmarks next to it, like in prison…counting the days. Ay, ay, ay! His poor impulsive, saucy soul. Tattoo? Ay, ay, ay! I'm not letting him near a tattoo parlor!

When he’s like this he wants a lot of LOVE. He’s bummed because I don’t return his feelings like before though I do try to be nice and I do hug him and comfort him.

He was crying later and saying “I don’t know how to love. I want to die.”  We laugh. We cry. It's sad to see love come to this.

[CautiousHope]

  Impulsive lifelong commitments + BPD, what could possibly go wrong? I'm glad he found the humor in your perspective, at least, that's always a relief. But, no doubt the back and forth is exhausting.

I think it's awesome that you're planning another solo vacation, good for you! I really hope that works out, I think that's fantastic. I think we're all entitled to enjoy our lives, even though sometimes that can be easy to forget. I hope you get to take that vacation.

[babyducks]

Aaaah pearl,

What struck me is how little,  okay,  almost none,  of the letter is actually about you.  It's about how he felt,  talking to his friend,  talking to his brother.   It's about how he feels on medication.   How he feels about the future.    There is very little that identifies you, your feelings or your life.   
 
I am sorry about that.    I am sorry that you feel it's "come to this".   I am glad you got out for a bike ride.

[pearlsw]

Impulsive lifelong commitments + BPD,

 I hope you get to take that vacation.

Hi CautiousHope,

Maybe that would be a better tattoo than my name!  

Yes, I hope I can pull this off. It is so nice to have things to look forward to!

thank you so much!

~pearl.

[pearlsw]

Aaaah pearl,

What struck me is how little,  okay,  almost none,  of the letter is actually about you.  It's about how he felt,  talking to his friend,  talking to his brother.   It's about how he feels on medication.   How he feels about the future.    There is very little that identifies you, your feelings or your life.  
 
I am sorry about that.    I am sorry that you feel it's "come to this".   I am glad you got out for a bike ride.

Hey babyducks!  Always to nice to bump into ya around here!

Yep. The ride was great - thanks!

He's been drinking a lot lately and this kind of stuff has been bubbling out a lot. He is not so good at expressing himself... .it can take him days to think of a reply to a question. Somewhere in there he cares. Today he said he would basically do anything to save the relationship - get me counseling, get himself counseling, ANYTHING. He would "pay any price" to be with me he said... .he was in tears again and saying how much he loves me and wants me, etc. He is convinced his medicine is making a difference and things will get better in time.

I've been trying to get him to understand that my feelings have not bounced back this time... .it's just all been too much, and he hears that he has no chance with me if he can't stop the breakup threats. He did admit he has trouble controlling himself, he calls out to God for forgiveness of him and says he has no right to ask for more chances, but he really wants to stay together forever. He said he'd agree if I do want to break up in October, a date we set early last year for making this work or moving on. It feels like between the medication and the help I've given him he may be cooperative if we break. I would prefer it that way, would like to guide it to peaceful resolution if we do part.

It's hard. I am really unmoved by his words at this point, but I think he does understand that. It was hard to see him sobbing and falling apart though tonight. To be clear, I have no idea what mental illnesses he has. He has been identifying with depression a lot lately, that makes sense to him, but PTSD or some BPD traits... .harder to say. I am sure he has abandonment issues, this black and white thinking, impulsivity, hypervigilance, other stuff. But he is definitely aware "something is wrong" in his brain; he is happy he started taking medication, and he really wants to get better and he does not want to scare me or make me feel insecure he says. He wants to promise he won't break again but he can't, he knows we have no chance though if he can't stop.

I don't know where this goes over these next months if I can't maintain my feelings for him... .

thanks for the support!

~pearl.

[babyducks]

hmmmmmmm.      Hi pearl,

can I ask you a question?   there were a couple of ideas, or it would be better if I said traits of BPD, that once I identified how they appeared in my relationship,... .really changed how I thought about and viewed the dynamic of our relationship.

I know you put a tremendous amount of effort and energy into these boards but I wonder if you have ever bumped into the idea of Objectification - the broader view of it?   and how it fits into your understanding?

once I identified that my partner objectified me, I could see it in nearly every conversation we had.   I was, indeed, an object to her.  like a teddy bear that you put on or took off the shelf, I existed only as a subset of her emotions.    without any needs or wants of my own.

in his communication with you I am struck with how little he identifies you as a seperate entity.  I don't see a lot of "you must be tired",... ."you've really put up with a lot"... .almost all references to you are as a reflection of his emotions.

here is more on objectification:

University of Chicago Professor Martha C. Nussbaum classified Objectification into the following categories:
Instrumentality - when a person is treated like a tool for another person’s own purposes.
Denial of autonomy - when a person is denied the right to make decisions for themselves.
Inertness - An Assumption of Inertness means a a person is treated as if they lack the capacity to act for themselves.
Ownership - A condition where a person is treated as if they are owned by, or are a slave to, the other person.
Fungibility - Where a person is treated as if they are dispensable or can be traded or discarded by another person.
Violability - A situation where a person is treated as if it is ok to hurt, or destroy them.
Denial of subjectivity - A condition where a person is treated as if there is no need to show concern for their feelings.

To be clear, I have no idea what mental illnesses he has.

I am not sure it matters Pearl.    As always when it is hard to identify what illness is in play the suggestion is to look carefully at the symptoms.   to deal with the behavior.    Last night he was 'sobbing and falling apart'   and two days before he was on the other end of the spectrum.   His moods are very very labile.    am I right in thinking you understand this is more than depression?

I hope you continue to work to take care of yourself.  self care self care self care.

'ducks

[pearlsw]

Hi 'ducks! 

Yes, I am sure this is depression, and some. It is hard. Being a straight chick that goes with straight guys, it is often hard to avoid that feeling of objectification by men entirely. As I've been reading on the boards in the past couple days I'm really struck, from reading a few threads running around here, how different men can be in terms of relationships.

In all honesty, I like to think I get straight guys, but I wonder at times if I really understand them as well as I like to think I do. I know I am very comfortable around them, and what they have to offer in terms of companionship, but, I am feeling guilty myself this week of misunderstanding or being unclear about male emotions at times.

For example, I didn't realize, early on, how invalidating I could be of my SO's emotions. Okay, yeah, his were over the top at times, but I was wondering to myself this week if I somehow expected him to just not have any emotions at all because by comparison to women I've hung out with, men barely seem to have emotions! I think at times, very unconsciously, I expected him to be... .Well society gives men a lot of messages to hide or control their emotions, to not feel them. I have to admit I wanted him to just suck it up at times, like I was, which was pretty insensitive on my part. If want to be stoic, fine, but I should not have expected that of him. It's not that I couldn't or wouldn't listen to him, no, but, I dunno... .just something that another thread brought to mind.

And to be clear, one of the reasons I like being around men is because I find they get less into emotional discussions, (not that I don't like emotional discussions, you see me all over the boards ) or when they do they... .they won't do it for long. I feel very comfortable around them - around straight and queer men actually though it's rare I am around anyone besides my SO for a long, long time now! Anyway, I got a little lost there!

Does he objectify me? Well, in terms of sex for example, he can certainly say a lot about wanting to make me happy, but... .I don't really let him and I don't take much time to teach him although he has asked at times. Not that I was against this or anything, but his needs and wishes have always been stronger (louder really) and he can barrel over me. It's hard to keep up with his oversized sexual desires... .which really bums me out and throws me off entirely sexually. I was not used to hearing a guy complain about sex! They are usually so easy to keep happy! Bless them!  

When he's described his sexual dynamic with his ex I am surprised by how... .Well, she got her needs met, let's say. I am different, I have different needs. I prefer to give love than take a bunch of it. I am quite content and don't have gaping needs to fill out of being with someone. So I am also responsible for some elements of our dynamic being a bit imbalanced.

So, does he tend not to see my needs? Often, yes. He grew up in a culture in which women and men existed very separately. Does he mean well? Absolutely. I am sure of it. I am sure he is loving me as best he can, it just may not simply be enough, and for one reason and one reason only - his break up threats. I am certain I could handle nearly all else, but this. This will end us one day if he can't stop, and I don't think he can.

In his culture there seems to be a lot of enmeshment, I'd say. It is a very communal culture, the boundaries between people seem different than all I know though our cultures may be closer than they are different. Well, I should say he has two cultures, one Western and one non-Western. He's complex and slides between cultures. (He is naturally like two people [two cultures in one]and he is also very black and white.) Notions of the individual that come from the West are shaded a bit differently in his part of the world I think. I am shocked at times at how little privacy he (and others from his background) keeps.

At times I felt like someone brought in to cook, clean, and provide other services, so to speak, and I told him so, and how I didn't want that, but he would say no very strongly against this - he didn't want this for me either. So, his intentions are in the right place, but in practice he does tend to put himself first. I don't think it is malicious, more a lack of experience. He had very few clues about women. His first marriage was arranged actually. He knew her for three hours before he had to decide to marry her, turns out that wasn't enough time. It was based off of family recommendations and status, not recognizing major incompatibilities they had in terms of money, values, etc. He spent a big chunk of his life with someone he was not in love with and resigned himself to that kind of marriage until he was brave enough to stand up against her extreme behavior (she internationally kidnapped their kids) and say "no more, even at the price of losing my kids, no more".

As we see it now we really blew it by not getting him psychological help right at the time we met after we thought all the dust had settled on the kidnapping. It hadn't, by a long shot, he had to go through many more expensive international legal battles in three countries, and he busted his butt to get his ex to bring his kids out of a war. I have a lot of love and sympathy for what he experienced before we met, that is why I gave him a lot of room for a lot of years to be a less than great partner... .I knew we were not on an easy path... .I just didn't know how much blowback from their crappy marriage I'd receive and for how long... .they are still in court eight years later.

He had big legal challenges on his plate for many years and that ate up so much energy.  Had we known what we were both in for, neither of us would have done this relationship at this time. We are sure of it. We didn't want it to be like this. We wanted to be a better team and had so much love for each other.

I can see he contributed to his previous marital woes, but I think his ex's mental health issues and behaviors were even more extreme than his. He did a lot to be a good dad, help the kids with school, buffer them against her abuse of them at great personal cost to himself. She even abandoned him and his kids at one point, then he made the fatal mistake of taking her back for their sake. He made a huge, unselfish sacrifice for his kids, like a lot of the guys we see on these boards. She was not totally in touch with reality and was extremely selfish with him, told him to never discuss any of his problems with her, basically just "provide and shut up". And in the end, she got the kids and a lot of his money and... .they all suffered. With no help, and coming for a culture where it didn't even occur to him where he might turn to to get any emotional support or help, he was remarkably positive, but I give him a lot of understanding for the devastation of losing his kids the way he did. He did not deserve that in life.

Some of what he is today rubbed off on him via his ex I believe, and he was also abused, and... .basically had no experience with healthy adult relationships. And he took all this lack of knowledge and damage right into our situation and wrecked his dreams with me by damaging our relationship so much... .when all this man really wanted is what a lot of us want - to love and be loved. He just did not know how.

It's a tragedy all around as far as I'm concerned. I loved this man, all that he did in his life, all he accomplished, his sweet funny ways, his tragic story, his light heartedness and the ways he was not broken by all this. He was like the sun and when he would shine on me it was magnificent... .but untreated mental illness can destroy dreams and lives... .

Most important thing at this point is doing what is right for me for the remainder of my life.

  thanks so much for asking me questions, i know my reply is all over the map and i may not have quite answered the question despite all this typing!

[pearlsw]

Hmmm. Looking again at that definition of objectification, and wow is that a heavy one, I would say none of that applies to how my SO sees me or treats me. Thank goodness!

I would say, that in terms of run of the mill objectification, what I had in mind when I first started typing away... .Well, probably some of the most memorable experiences I've had with objectification are when I tried here and there in life to see counselors/therapists. Due to racism it was hard to find therapists from my background, and I actually just started off trying to see anyone on my health plans, but when I did land in their offices I often found myself highly objectified, more like an object of entertainment and curiosity, than... .I got any actual help. In fact, I'm pretty sure I nearly never got any actual help in those settings... .and the last serious time I tried in my home country the therapist asked me out on a date, etc. and I had to report him... .so no help there either.

I have me though. Thank goodness! 

[CryWolf]

Hey Pearl,

It becomes very difficult to trust someones words and actions after them showing you every reason no to. You become accustomed to their bad/toxic behaviors.

My exBPD would do this too. When she would text me "cute" messages, I would disregard it, and she would get mad. I wasnt used to it, and she would tell me things like "this is why I dont do cute things for you".

I just knew after a while, she would turn back and take all the cute/words of affirmation/ endearment back away from me. from "i love you, im so lucky to have you" to "how could anyone love someone like you?" maybe self projections of herself? But you start to believe them based on all the pushing away and actions they show.

I dont blame you for how you feel. I started to feel happy without her. I used to find peace in going to the gym or eating out alone or going to the movie theatre without her when we were together. It took away all the anxieties of wondering if we were going to fight again. Its heartbreaking.  

I will always love my ex, and have feelings for her. But my feelings also faded, like how you mentioned. I became frustrated and always on edge. I couldnt let go because I hoped for better. But I never wanted to say it out loud, but I would tell myself "okay if she does this today, im gonna break up with her finally". and I never could. I loved and care about her too much, so ultimately she left.

You also mentioned you like to have male friends, I like to have female friends. I also like to get better understanding on how females think. I think understanding how people process emotions, think, act is a very good think. You understand where people are coming from and you can learn to validate others.

Some of what he is today rubbed off on him via his ex I believe, and he was also abused, and... .basically had no experience with healthy adult relationships. And he took all this lack of knowledge and damage right into our situation and wrecked his dreams with me by damaging our relationship so much... .when all this man really wanted is what a lot of us want - to love and be loved. He just did not know how.

It's a tragedy all around as far as I'm concerned. I loved this man, all that he did in his life, all he accomplished, his sweet funny ways, his tragic story, his light heartedness and the ways he was not broken by all this. He was like the sun and when he would shine on me it was magnificent... .but untreated mental illness can destroy dreams and lives... .

This brought me to tears, Pearl...    
You writing this, resonated so well in my situation. I can feel your pain, and I understand how you're feeling.

Timing, can make and break things. If only time could heal people and old wounds right away so we can live happily ever after. We all just want to be happy, laugh, love, live the best we can with those we cherish. But it's difficult when the world puts trauma in our paths.

This happened with my BPDex. She went through so much. Abusive ex, withheld affection, cheated, family abused her, her ex family hated her. She was used, devalued, etc. List goes on and on. Then you come in, show nothing but love, compassion but they become so accustomed to a life thats not healthy, that what you do seems like a ploy. So everything they do, is what happened to them. They want nothing but be healthy and happy. But they cant.  Its devastating. Its not fair, and this keeps me up at night.

 I hope whatever you choose, you find happiness Pearl. I hope your partner finds it too. We all deserve it 

sorry if i projected too much

[pearlsw]

It becomes very difficult to trust someones words and actions after them showing you every reason no to. You become accustomed to their bad/toxic behaviors.

I hope whatever you choose, you find happiness Pearl. I hope your partner finds it too. We all deserve it 

sorry if i projected too much

Hi CryWolf,

No worries! I see so much of me on these boards that I am a bit relieved to hear details about others, makes me feel good to connect with folks here. It always helps me to see new angles on things that I may not have otherwise considered and it makes me feel supported.

It is so true, it does become hard to trust. Funny thing is trust was never a big issue for me, it always sounded like a cliche to me when I heard people talk about that in relationships. I just naturally trusted, and despite tough stuff, I dunno... .I managed in life. I didn't really get it.

But hearing professions of love followed by equally convincing words of hate just is so off-putting at some point. Like this week, fine, okay, he's back in a white phase, but to me... .it is just the calm before the next storm. I watch him for signs he's about to lose it. I worry or wonder if I will say or do the "wrong thing", and frankly I always do at some point, because he is emotionally sensitive and I can't live on his roller coaster. I am standing on the ground and I don't have that kind of an emotional life and I'm not gonna be dragged along for that ride anymore.

All in all, I must say, at times I have probably underestimated the role I have in this relationship. Being the balanced one who can see more clearly has been a huge asset in terms of surviving this. The clearer I am, the less I fall into the traps this illness sets for me. Like last night, I got slightly wary because I could not match his mood, but... .he managed and life went on. But I do have to have a bit of a management plan in mind. His moods do matter. They don't get to rule things, but they do matter and do need to be monitored.

But who knows. I am feeling confident now, but he can sure bring down the roof over my head when he wants to!

thanks for the support, pearl.

[juju2]

Hi Pearl,

i guess its all about you.  What do you want.  I thi nk the time away gives perspective.  Also, give yourself permission to be you.  Breathe.  Let it be.

i guess no relationship is the sum total of good vs. Bad.  I was reading a breakup guide, how to get over, and it was all about me.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, about him.  I feel like all of this learning could be used at any point in a r/s.  Because all i have is my life anyway.!

being in a r/s w BPD is a prescription for me to lose me in the equation.  So that part, me, in the r/s has been lost, its my job to bring me back, to what i want, what i need.  Not to hurt, the other person.
I feel like the sooner i do this, the better, for both.  Let the chips fall.  I am working this out in my life now, just wanted to share.
Best, j

[pearlsw]

being in a r/s w BPD is a prescription for me to lose me in the equation.  So that part, me, in the r/s has been lost, its my job to bring me back, to what i want, what i need.  Not to hurt, the other person.
I feel like the sooner i do this, the better, for both.  Let the chips fall.  I am working this out in my life now, just wanted to share.
Best, j

Hi juju2,

I think you hit on a really deep part of the problem here for me... .At times, I don't know how to put it, but there is no me. I tend to cease to exist somehow in relationships. I don't know what my needs are really, I need so little... .Or perhaps I'm a bit programmed into getting needs via others I tend to just meet them all myself, or nearly all. The thing Is I really enjoy giving love. I do. It comes very naturally. Receiving it on the other hand is a bit more complicated.

At this point when he tries to give me "love" it does not mean so much to me, and I have to be careful not to hurt him in my responses to his "love." But when he says "I love you." I don't find myself wanting to say it in return at this point. I just say "thank you." It is not bubbling out of my me as it should in a happy, healthy relationship.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

take care, pearl.