Advice How do you tell some one you think they have BPD?

[toughday]

I believe my exgf of 6 months has BPD. All of the information points to it and ive seen so many stories on here that echo my experience to an almost uncanny degree that i'm convinced.

Despite us being NC she still gets in touch to vent at me for anything she see's as the slightest indiscretion. I really feel for her. She says she is incredibly alone and i can here the torment in her voice. I am worried about her and i still care a great deal. I would like to help her. I'm aware of BPD but she isn't. What is the best way of informing someone who is unaware of their potential condition to seek help. She is very open minded to counselling but i think the stigma of a diagnosis of BPD may be too much to take especially coming from me as she really doesn't have a very high opinion of me right now. I know a trait is to not be able to see ones own behaviour and to blame others for your issues completely which she does. i've considered contacting her counsellor to ask her advice but i'm not sure if thats appropriate.

Is there a way to inform someone who you believe has this condition In such a manner that they may be more likely to listen to what you say and seek the right help? I got on with her family but i'm not sure she would listen to them as she only really trusts one of them and i don't think he would be very open minded about BPD.


Any advice welcome please!

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[Enabler]

Hey toughday,

Could you clarify a couple of things:

- Is she currently seeing a therapist? Sounds like she is as you suggested contacting her counselor.
- Does she vent at you about things you have done or things that other people have done? Are you an emotional punching bag?... .how do you feel about that?
- Does your friend have a history or inclination for suicide attempts or self harm?

Directly approaching her is not advisable, have a read of the link below and also watch the clip at the bottom. The clip really helped me empathise why someone with a mental illness struggles to see their own issues.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Families rarely react in the way we might assume. They often maintain precarious balance and have done for many years. Families naturally seek to defend the status quo and however much you might be trying to shine a light on a problem in a compassionate manner to help your ex, it's unlikely to be taken so.

Enabler

[BasementDweller]

Hi, toughday! You've come to the right place. 

 

This sounds like a tough situation indeed, and it sounds as if you really do care about your ex's well being and want to help.

The general consensus around these boards, and in most discussions about BPD in general is that it typically does not go well when a loved one tries to tell a someone they suspect BPD. As you mentioned, fear or stigma about the diagnosis, feeling scrutinized or criticized, and feelings of shame or defensiveness can all play a part in the pwBPD not taking it well.

Right now, the important part might not be labeling her or "finding" the diagnosis and getting her to own it (she has to be ready for that, and it's a very hard sell)... .but maybe validating her when she says that she is feeling lost and alone. If you haven't had a chance to look at the tools on the right side of the page, have a look, specifically about Listening with Empathy, and Don't be Invalidating. These two tools help to have some of these delicate conversations with a person who is highly sensitive.

You could mention something like "I can hear by what you are telling me that you are feeling very lonely and stressed. This must be really hard on you. Do you think it might help to talk to your counselor about this to see if there's anything they can do to help you improve the situation, or why things are so bad right now? I want to help you as well, but you might also want to talk to somebody who knows on a professional level how to help others deal with such stress."

Or similar... .

If she makes the decision to tell a counselor about feeling this low, she may be on her way to a proper diagnosis. It's generally taken MUCH better if a professional makes this call - for two reasons. Professionals are better equipped TO make a diagnosis - and they are not deeply personally involved with the pwBPD - so it doesn't feel so devastating for them. They have gone to the counselor seeking help and relief, so advice and guidance is usually expected and any diagnoses perhaps easier to accept.

It's possible her current counselor might be getting half the story because BPD's often try to hide their deepest anxieties from others. Maybe encouraging her her to be specific with him/her about the things that are making it hard for her to not feel angry with you about past events might help. If the counselor sees that she is holding on fiercely to old hurts, he/she might start to dig a little deeper.

Best of luck, and check in here anytime for guidance. There's a lot of people here who are experiencing similar to what you are. You're not alone!

[toughday]

Hey toughday,

Could you clarify a couple of things:

- Is she currently seeing a therapist? Sounds like she is as you suggested contacting her counselor.
- Does she vent at you about things you have done or things that other people have done? Are you an emotional punching bag?... .how do you feel about that?
- Does your friend have a history or inclination for suicide attempts or self harm?

Hi Thanks for the reply and the advice it really is appreciated

She has been in therapy for 1 year. She has 1 1hr phone session a week. She started as her job was quite stressful and she realised that she was shouting a lot.

She shouts at me about the things i have or haven't done. The crux of most of her rage is that i don't or never cared about her. I just care about myself. I never loved her and she gave me everything and i threw it back in her face. She is absolutely the love of my life. i have never loved anyone like i have loved her. Her mood swings and rage were difficult to cope with and she would go cold for no reason. over time this changed my behaviour and i acted in ways i'm not proud of i  became moody and jealous and maybe had a foot outside of the relationship as it was becoming unbearable. This led her to end the relationship  we have been separated for 6 months... She still rings to shout at me regarding the reason we split up and to tell me its my fault even though it was her cholce to end it. I feel better now i know that she can't help herself and there isn't a lot i can do about it (as in its not my fault). Its hard and it hurts but she has said she won't contact me again and asked me to do the same so there is a chance that the rows are over.

She has spoken of suicide and there was one time when she emptied pills into a glass to kill herself but she didn;t go through with it. She was coming of sertraline at the time which may have influenced her behaviour. I have also seen that she has researched suicide on notepads that she had put away and didn't realise i had seen.

I am going to talk to my counsellor about the best approach to help her. People say its not my job to fix her but how can i just stand by and watch whilst she is in so much pain. i think emailing her counsellor may be the correct approach. she has asked me to never contact her again so ringing her up just to talk to her about how she feels dosn't feel right. I also don't think she will be open enough with her.

This condition is really something else.

[Enabler]

Have you had a chance to read any of the information on the website?

This is a good start if you haven't already read it:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

What role do you feel you played in the relationship?
What role does your ex favour playing?
What role do you think you would be playing by helping her address her BPD traits?

It's immensely tough watching our perceived wasted potential of another human life, our compunction (myself included) wants nothing more than to see that person fulfill the happiness we believe they deserve. Maybe you can help her, maybe you can't... .but first you need to understand how you play in the game/relationship. Understanding the game reduces our hurt and makes us more effective at acting as coach rather than enabling further chaos.

[toughday]

Thats really interesting and enlightening thank you.

I think i was given the role of rescuer early on in the relationship which being in the healthcare profession was very natural for me to take on. As the relationship progressed and she became at times quite vindictive and then remorseful  and then loving the roles became very fluid as i would often persecute her for her behaviour for a long time afterwards.  I think we swapped being the persecutor and victim over and over until she couldn't take it anymore. I still struggle to accept my behaviour towards her. i was so mean at times yet this was the culture of our relationship. I took me a while to become like that which is the one thing i hold on to to.

By trying to help i do wonder if i am just maintaining and feeding the drama triangle by playing the superior role of rescuer. As i said my job is in healing so it is a natural instinct of mine anyway so i find iot hard to separate my motivations. Does the fact that my actions would be unknown to her change the role of rescuer? I would still obviously get the same sense of wellbieng from acting to help so maybe not although i wouldn't benefit from it within our relationship as i believe far to much water has passed under the bridge and it is beyond repair.

Thanks for positng the above it does help me understand my motivations for helping. i do think it might be that i am having trouble letting go and this is a way of maintaining a connection. I'm going to talk to my counsellor about this.

Its hard. she rang yesterday to have a go at me about something and in a quiet moment said in such a small desperate voice that she was so lonely and sad and living in the flat we were supposed to be in together was so hard and she couldn;t cope with feeling so alone. it broke my heart. i'm worried for what she might do and despite waht my motivation might be i do want her to be happy.

[Enabler]

Morning toughday,

I'm glad we have helped you with that piece of reading, there's plenty more to feast on, here's the next one, this may help you understand how and why you became someone you didn't want to be. I like you have a lot of guilt over the way I became reactive (reactive-non) to her behaviours, often in an attempt to correct the narrative.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

I will be honest with you, you deserve that... .besides, it's just my opinion and you can weigh up whether it sits well with you or not.

I think, despite your plan to rescue potentially being covert and under her radar, you are acting at least in part for your own gains... .which I might hasten to add , doesn't make you a bad person in the slightest. My hunch is that you look at your ex and see 2 people, Jekyll and Hyde. If you could just rescue and fix her bad side you would be left with the wonderful side you cherish and love the bones off. Yes, she would be happy but she would also be free of the bondage of the bad side of her to love the bones off you as well. Does this ring true?

Her ringing and playing the victim (that's not meant to sound like it's an act or game, it's very real for her) must be very very tough. It taps directly into your hero complex. Like a screaming child or yelps of a fair maiden in distress... .The question is, how do you stay centered to act as a coach, not a rescuer.

What would happen if you rescued her?
What do you think she actually wants?

Keep up the learning

[toughday]

Thanks for the info, i'm taken aback at just how accurate it is. Its like reading the last two years of my life written by a complete stranger. Its weirdly quite unnerving and reassuring at the same time. At least i know i wasn't being over sensitive as i was constantly being told.

I appreciate and welcome your honesty. If i look inwards i can't be totally sure about my motives either. Its just to much of an emotional situation to really understand your own motivations on every level.

My reasons for believing that i'm not acting for my own gains are, firstly i genuinely believe our relationship is over. For the vast majority of the 6 months since we split she has despised me with a passion. there was a brief window where she explored if there was a chance to make it work but she cannot get beyond or forgive me for our break up. I have accepted that it is over and i can't wait for her to change her mind any longer. we are going no contact and i am quite relieved. Its been a hellish year with so much aggression and rage and bitterness that i am looking forwards to some clear water. Even if she is open to the idea of BPD and DBT from what i have heard the road is long and full of ups and downs and we have used up a lot of our goodwill together. my fuse is so short when her face contorts and changes and io know whats coming i can't control my reactions anymore so i think it best move on. This relationship brought up a lot of my own stuff too so ive got a lot of work to do before i think i'm ready to get close to someone again. I know i am very codependent and i am working to improve my self worth with lots of self help and counselling.

Yep she did love the bones off me at times but i listed all the times she behaved unacceptably in the last two years and it was well over 70 occasions. I'm a little traumatised by the idea of a relationship with her or even anyone right now. When she spoke of how alone she was and how desperately lost and fragile she sounded as she was crying down the phone i was fearful that she might do something silly as she has in the past. I might be lying to myself but if she did do something stupid and i hadn't tried to help i couldn't live with myself. I am the only one in her life who is aware of BPD this means i have to try and help her. Maybe it does tap into my hero complex but i have a job where i help 100's of people all the time so i think this is a natural instinct for me that is quite difficult to curb.

Regarding what would happen if i "rescued" her. My hope is she would be open to the idea of BPD and seek therapy. This would enable her to be able to build intimate relationships with friends, family, a SO. She would hopefully find peace and happiness and not believe the world is such a monstrous place as she seems to think it is at the moment. The world she lives in is full of conflict, rage and fear. Everyone lets her down in her eyes even her close family. Hopefully that would change.

What do i think she wants? I'm sure she doesn't want any help from me. She wants to be happy. She wants to meet someone who loves her as much as she loves them. In her words she is trying to create a happy life full of peace and light. She definitely doesn't want what she has right now which is angst, fear and constant conflict.

I am so appreciative of you taking the time to respond and ask these very pertinent questions. They have really helped clarify my thoughts and also made me realise that my motivation for doing and writing the things i have to her might not have been as selfless as i originally thought. The drama triangle is truly enlightening

[Enabler]

toughday,

It's an absolute pleasure to know that I have benefited you in some way shape or form. I'm very glad that you have maybe thought about your involvement in the relationship in a different way. pwBPD often like to keep people around them like cuddly toys around a bed... .to comfort them and give them emotional support... .to make them feel safe. Many people find their maladapted methods of ensuring these people are there for them manipulative, an example might be where your ex is very tearful on the phone telling you she's very down and needs to see you, but when you kindly and fairly tell her that you're in the middle of something important she'll go into a rage. This is tough, it plays on your instincts to help other human beings.

There's so much more you can learn here, it may help you grow as a person, learn from the experience and learn how to interact more effectively with your ex. My sense is that your ex is looking for something and knows there is something up with the way she thinks about things. Her therapist will help her on that journey. If you really really want to help her, offer her something she doesn't yet know that she needs... .non-judgemental support, avoid rescuing and help coach her. Help her help herself. If she see's you as being a safe person to speak to about some of the things that she is experiencing, someone who doesn't want a relationship with her and someone who understands some of the challenges she faces (because lets be honest, most people in the general population think we're talking about unicorns when we explain the BPD experience)... .She may, just for the first time in her life feel understood.

Since you liked the Karpman triangle here is a different take on it. I really liked this:

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

and here's what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Always be learning