Looking to hear how other feel about and deal with finances

[bluek9]

   Hi everyone,

  I've been here just a few days shy of 6 months. This forum is a saving grace to me, it's so nice to be able to cover any topic I'm working on finding my way through. One of the best things about being here is knowing that everyone else is here for the same reason, facing the same issues that surround the process of figuring out how to interact with a child suffering with BPD.
  There are so many ways BPD impacts us as the parents and how we deal our children; the one area I'd like to talk about is finances... .    So often I have read from another parent "I'm supporting my child, I pay their rent, phone, therapy etc." Then the inevitable questions follow, how much should I do, how much is too much, how do I get them to be responsible, I feel guilty if I don't help, they will be homeless if I don't help.
  Financial issues can tear a family apart, put great strain on the single parent and often end up causing us a great amount of guilt. The fact that some parents have some kind of insurance doesn't really change the issue. Yes in some cases insurance may cover therapy, hospitalization, maybe meds. but what all the other areas? And what about all those who have no insurance, what about those parents with grown children who are struggling to make it on their own? There are several parents here who share about the agony of a child who can't hold a job for very long, a child who won't or can't work, a child who now has children of their own. The worry and concern shared by these parents is very real and heart breaking.
   So many of our children suffer co-morbid issues, mine does. For me you would think the issue of finances is helped by the fact that my D receives SSI  . While I'm very grateful for this benefit and it does help, the fact remains that amount of $750.00 a month is NOT enough for a person to live on. There is also the issue of me being her payee, yes that puts me in charge of her money, which has always been a bone of contention to her!
   I'll explain a little about how the last 18 years have been for me. I'll be brief because the whole point of this post is to hear from all you about what works, what doesn't, why it's hard and what you do. It has taken us ( myself and D) the last 10 years to truly come to a working routine. My D has no concept of money, it doesn't mean anything to her except now I can spend all of it. I decided to make her part of the budget process so that she couldn't say I was taking all her money. She lives with me because she cannot afford to live on her own. This means she has to pay her share of the bills.
  We sit down, I write out what she owes for her bills, show her what's left over, and then divide that 4 for each week of the month, that part is her allowance. Sounds pretty easy, straight forward, you would think, but NO it's not. While I can say it has progressively gotten better and I'm thankful to her for that; it has not changed her feelings about money. The allowance part is held by me, I give it to her once a week. The issue is I could give her money one day, the next she will say can I have next weeks money now. Then we have to go through the whole ordeal of talking about how she will run out of money before the end of the month. This is an always on going thing! Trust me I do set very firm boundaries, I don't loan her money, when she is out she is out. An other part of all this is my grandson JJ, whom I have guardianship of and am raising. I can't buy him anything without her wanting something too.   When he needs shoes, clothes whatever I have to go without her. 
  Anyway just that wasn't as short as I hoped. I'm looking forward to hearing from many of you on this topic. Money is not a taboo topic, but it sure can get complicated and mix us all around. Thanks for reading and for sharing in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi bluek9

Oh boy, I totally get it.  Thanks so much for posting as it’s such a big topic full of emotional turmoil.

We got to the point of understanding that for our adult son to learn how to control his finances he had to have full control of his money and suffer the consequences.  I made a goal for me: he had to learn financial management skills to make it possible for him to live independently at some point in the future.

He wasn’t working and if he was unable to work and receive benefits then he had to find a way to live life on those benefits. Fortunately he devcided to seek work instead. It was casual, cash in hand.  I provided free board and a bed - he was responsible for his own cigarettes, weed, etc.  I got him into a situation that he was almost forced to take action, but it was done in a loving way.

Everything he should do for himself, he should do himself.  Opening and dealing with debt collection letters.  Money for leisure activities etc.  For him to behave like an adult he needed treated like one but it was one step at a time.  I was realistic and not overwhelming, I introduced rent when he was working regularly,

He was terrible with money and now he’s better.  It’s been one step forwards, two back. He’s made mistakes, we’ve emotionally supported him and gently introduced rent etc as his abilities to pay and his confidence has grown. It took better boundaries on my part once I decided he was ready and able to contribute towards his living expenses. Looking back, if he wasn’t working then he had to find a way to live on benefits. He didn’t seek treatment and was/is a drug taker,

My experience is that by me taking control of his money only caused him emotional confusion with him resenting me.  For me, it obstructed my main goal - to improve my relationship with my adult son.  My second goal was to get him some financial management skills that he’d need in life.

He now lives semi independently and I don’t get involved in his finances.  He’s responsible for himself.

That’s my story.  Any questions, then fire away.  We.werent prepared to financially support an adult in the longer term - we can’t afford it and we’ve our own plans with retirement looming.

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi bluek9

I'm in a similar situation to you, in that my DD lives at home and receives a small disability allowance that covers phone, travel, meds, eyes, dental, cat, vet, insurance... .the rest the state leaves to me to cover. She does however manage her own money and always has.

DD gave up work Dec 2016 to focus on recovery, prior to that she contributed to running the household, we had a chart on the kitchen wall setting out exactly where the money was going, she was proud of her contribution ~ based on a sliding scale of salaries.

When she is back in work we'll to return to our arrangement.

Will she be able to manage financially when living independently, I sure hope so!

She is grateful for the support and space I've provided her while she's working to be well and that means a lot to me.

WDx

[Merlot]

Hi bluek9

I'm impressed    It sounds like the boundaries you've put in place are exactly what she needs, even if she's pushing the boundaries (parden the pun).

At the end of the day, with or without mental health issues, our children need to learn to be responsible and accountable for their lives, unfortunately their mental health issues seem to drive us to an unhealthy level of compensation, often at our own expense.  When we try to push back, the change can evoke total emotional dysregulation and dysfunction.  It's hard to stick to boundaries when this happens.

In my last txt communication with my BBD27, which was incredibly abusive, she told me that she couldn't believe I had cut her off financially.  However for her, apparently, it's ok to cut your parent off but still expect financial assistance.  Other parents may disagree with me but for me personally I didn't feel right continuing to help her with rent (and that was what the assistance was for), when she had moved back to our home state and to live with her father.

She has a very distorted view of what is acceptable.  Strangely, removing financial assistance, seems to have validated some of her reasons for cutting me off.

Stick to your guns, a very difficult issue but I think many here could completely relate and take a leaf out of your book.

Merlot

[bluek9]

   Thanks guys

   This is exactly what I was looking for. Sharing our own process in dealing with the kids and this matter. It's great to see that no matter which way we choose to go we can find a way that works for our individual needs, and still support each other. I'm really looking forward to hearing all the ideas out there. I find it very comforting too that no matter the situation we as parents find a very important way of supporting our children in a way that empowers them. 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi BlueK9,

Thank you for starting this thread, it's been helpful for me to read everyone's responses.

Money has been a difficult issue for us with our daughter. We adopted her when she was 17, and she had been in foster care for 14 years. That means she almost never had items she NEEDED, let alone wanted.

It took me a long time to realize that she equated money with love. If we didn't give her money or buy her things she wanted, we didn't love her. It makes perfect sense given her background. At first she was just grateful but at some point it turned into her feeling entitled to anything she wanted. It was a constant battle. And like your daughter, mine spends any money she has the second she gets it.

Over the past year or so we started giving her less and less. For many months we were giving her $20 here and there to buy top ramen to eat and that was it. She has finally realized that money does not equal love, and she will still ask sometimes for money but she never gets mad anymore when we say no.

I think like everything with these kids I try to take it a day at a time. We have been helping her more lately because she is make a huge effort to change herself. We did get in a big fight last week because she wanted to spend her one and only paycheck from a job she held for three days on going to a rave. I was furious. It ended up okay, I admitted that I had trouble trusting her with money and I guess because that validated how she felt (that I couldn't trust her) that somehow diffused it? Ha. That was a confusing one.  She didn't go to the rave, and she came over to visit and insisted on doing our dishes for us. That one floored me (in a good way).

I did not mean to ramble so much. Anyway BlueK9 it sounds like you are doing a great job with your daughter.

[wendydarling]

It took me a long time to realize that she equated money with love. If we didn't give her money or buy her things she wanted, we didn't love her. It makes perfect sense given her background. At first she was just grateful but at some point it turned into her feeling entitled to anything she wanted. It was a constant battle. And like your daughter, mine spends any money she has the second she gets it.

Thanks HB, I want to congratulate you in working this through with your DD (journey still in progress) and sharing your learning here.  Many will relate as often on this board parents raise their children feel a sense of entitlement, impulsive spending and they don't know what to do.

[DoneMom]

Very helpful thread!

My daughter lives rent-free with her grandmother and my husband (her step dad) and I live very close (walking distance).  This is a relatively new arrangement and I don’t know how long it will stay in place.  :)D23 works at a local restaurant and makes pretty good money now.  Prior to this she has been fired from every other job she has worked at.  Her dad housed her for awhile and then she had an apartment by herself for a year plus - she was constantly short on rent/bill paying and I used to occasionally help her out.  In the end she left owing the landlord money and I did not bail her out.

I no longer give her money - she is a grown woman and I refuse to enable her bad spending behaviors.  I won’t even go into a store with her anymore because she slips things into the cart and expects me to pay.

My husband has been an absolute saint and we’ve spent $10,000 plus for non necessary medical treatment, very necessary mental health treatment she did not take seriously and other things she needed/wanted.  For my own sanity and the sake of my otherwise conflict-free marriage,  I had to end this and I have told her I will never put myself into a position where she takes advantage of me again.

Recently she wrecked two cars in a week and will be paying all of the associated fines and fees on her own.  She will also be responsible for the car insurance rates going up (hers and her grandmothers).

That said, I still pay for her health insurance but nothing else... .

DMom

[wendydarling]

It is a helpful thread, isn't it DoneMom. Thank you for your share, how you've handed over responsibility to your daughter.

How long ago did you tell your daughter you will never put yourself in a position where she takes advantage of you again, how did she respond?

[DoneMom]

Hi there Wendyd,

I told her no more money and that I would not allow her to take advantage of me (or my husband - her stepdad) again fairly recently, about a month or so after she moved in with my mother.  She was not happy about it but agreed that she needs to be more responsible.  She did get a job and has been paying for her own things since then.

She is overwhelmed with all of the $ it is going to take to get her out of her recent legal trouble but she is managing, she says she is going to work hard to make it all right. 

Thanks for asking,

DMom

[wendydarling]

DoneMom, despite your DD's struggles, to hear she acknowledges she needs to do better and appears determined, was a ray of sunshine when I heard that, their awareness things can get better. We can guide them, reinforce positive behaviour, they have to do the work and own their BPD. What helped my DD was her knowing I was here at bpdfamily, learning. She's now out on twitter doing exactly the same as me supporting people and family with BPD. My DD was diagnosed at 26, it was the right time for her, she'd chased every option to keep her head above water, and very successfully!

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders