New Member: How can I help my partner deal with his BPD ex?

[Shikasta2018]

Hi everyone. My partner is a member here and he suggested I may find this a helpful place to help deal. His ex has BPD and since we started dating shes been an ongoing source of stress. My mom was/is bipolar while I was growing up however this is a whole other ballpark. Its heartbreaking to see my partner go through the cycles of games and abuse. She constantly drags their son through the drama and then blames him for the cause of his sons stress. Its frustrating not being able to help. Any tips for helping him to deal through it and myself as well? I am sure his ex would love to see me out of his life but thats not happening.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Shikasta2018 

Welcome to our online family! This is definitely a great site to find help and learn about BPD. The members are understanding and helpful, offering their thoughts and sharing tbeir struggles. Glad you've joined us. 

Did you know that a person with BPD may also be bipolar? A pwBPD can have other diagnoses in addition to BPD.

What would you like to have help with as you begin this journey of understanding? I think it's great that you want to gain understanding.

Wools

[Panda39]

Hi Shikasta2018,

I'm also here because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw), welcome to the the BPD Family 

I first discovered BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying" and boy did that BPD shoe fit.  My first action was to hit my local library and read everything they had on the topic. 

A couple good books on BPD in General... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger

and

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr, M.A.,

Reading gave me a good grounding in what BPD was, but coming here has been the other piece of negotiating my SO's ex and my own anger regarding her. There are some great people here we all "get it", there is great information, and there are great tools that can help too.

There is minimal contact with my SO's ex these days, but back when I arrived here they had just gone through a high conflict 2 year divorce, where she used parental alienation tactics with their daughters, made false allegations of abuse, was evicted, both neglected and over indulged their daughters, harassed and bullied my SO etc... .and I was one Angry Panda!   I'm sure you get the picture.

Does your partner have children with his ex?  How long have the two of you been together?  What types of things have you been experiencing regarding your partner's ex?

I hope to hear more of your story.

Take Care,
Panda39


 

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello

Having a partner with a BPD ex is quite a rodeo. I'm sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site.

Any tips for helping him to deal through it and myself as well?

What are some of the things you're dealing with? What is the custody arrangement?

How old is the child?

Do you and your SO live together?

[Shikasta2018]

Thanks everyone. We just moved in together 2 months ago. He does have a 13 yr old with her, she is a diagnosed BPD. All hell has broken out the 2nd she realized he was seeing someone a year ago. At 1st it was demands to meet me so she can 'normalize' our relationship, which we denied. Shes dragged their son into it all and is using him against my SO and we basically have to deprogram him every 2 weeks. Shes working overtime to convince my SO to meet with her in person. He refuses as he wants minimal contact and everything on the record.

[Panda39]

Hi Shikasta,

At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, and yes your partner and she had already broken up but him seeing someone new sort of puts the nail in the coffin.  Not only aren't they together but he has moved on. She's triggered and people with BPD have a really hard time controlling their emotions and can have an extinction burst... .think 2 year old having a temper tantrum.

I have been with my SO for eight year and have chosen not to meet his ex, we have attended functions for the kids at the same time but thus far have avoided contact.  When we first got together his ex was doing things similar to your partner's ex.  I chose not to engage.  Other's here may have another perspective on whether or not to meet the ex but for me it has been better to keep my distance.  If you meet her I would wait awhile for her to get used to the idea of you.

I hear you on the de-programing your partner's son I felt that way every time my SO's daughters came back from their mother's.  This can be hard but always remember that although clearly not the ideal mom, she is still DS13's mom so always be aware of what you say about her around him. He loves her in spite of her issues.  I think the key is to do things your way at your house and be consistant, consistency is one thing he probably isn't getting at his mom's house.

How is your relationship with your partner's son?  I want to share a link full of information related to co-parenting with a BPD parent (some times this might mean adopting a parallel parenting style... .but I digress) anyway when you have time take a look.  I have found that knowledge is power.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

Panda39

[livednlearned]

Shes working overtime to convince my SO to meet with her in person.

What is she doing?