How are you happy in your relationship? I’m exhausted, I’m nowhere near happy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

How are you guys happy? Not in general because I know we can make ourselves happy. But how are you happy in your relationship? I’m exhausted, I’m nowhere near happy. I just wanna sleep and not deal with anything anymore much less the constant change in emotions and standing with my partner. How do you find the happiness in what is an emotionally rolling relationship that seems to have no end to the bad. I mean I see the brief moments of good every now and then but they are few and far between. So I was just curious how you stay happy in your relationships.

[Conflictedlover]

How are you guys happy? Not in general because I know we can make ourselves happy. But how are you happy in your relationship? I’m exhausted, I’m nowhere near happy. I just wanna sleep and not deal with anything anymore much less the constant change in emotions and standing with my partner. How do you find the happiness in what is an emotionally rolling relationship that seems to have no end to the bad. I mean I see the brief moments of good every now and then but they are few and far between. So I was just curious how you stay happy in your relationships.

[prof]

I tried to find things that made me happy that I could do without my uBPDstbxw.  Watching a favorite tv show, doing my best at my job, spending quality time with our son, etc.

It became apparent pretty early on in our relationship that I wasn't going to be able to rely on her for my happiness, although she sure seemed to want to rely on me for hers!  But even when things got pretty bad, there were occasional happy moments -- a great conversation or creating a happy family memory.  A few months before we separated, we watched the solar eclipse as a family from our front porch.  I think that was the last time I felt truly happy with her.

[MrRight]

On a scale of 1 to 10 my day to day happiness is about 2-3 (where 10 is full happiness). This can go up to 5 but never higher.

Survival and endurance is far more relevant than happiness when you live your life with a pwBPD.

[pearlsw]

Hi MrRight,

Great question! I sometimes watch clips from comedy shows to keep my spirits up! It is important for me to laugh and smile as much as I can each day. I tend to wake up happy... .and if rough stuff happens I have that as a safe retreat. It's very good for my brain. I also joke with my partner, even about our stuff. I think it helps him see that disagreements don't have to be the end of the world - he didn't know that before.

take care, pearl.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm happier now than I've been in years. It's taken a while for me to adjust my thinking and my behavior, but now I'm no longer making things worse. I pick my battles and there are very few of them these days and they end soon, as I can see when my husband is starting to go off the rails, so I modify my responses at that time.

That said, I was very sad at realizing that what I thought was such a perfect relationship, was merely the "honeymoon stage" and a passing phase. I grieved that and felt angry and duped that I'd fallen for yet another pwBPD. But after I forgave myself and realized that I had been defining "love" by a misbegotten template I had learned from my BPD mother, I took another look at my marriage.

There's a lot to appreciate in my life and I started re-appreciating every detail I could and that has made a huge difference in creating a much more positive day to day reality. On a numerical scale, I'd say I hover between 7 and 8, sometimes veering into 9ish.

[Conflictedlover]

So all of you have answered that you’re pretty much not happy except for a select few. So if you aren’t happy why do you continue to stick around? Minus the fact if you have kids or anything like that. Sorry if that’s too personal I’m just genuinely curious.

[MrRight]

So all of you have answered that you’re pretty much not happy except for a select few. So if you aren’t happy why do you continue to stick around? Minus the fact if you have kids or anything like that. Sorry if that’s too personal I’m just genuinely curious.

Children in my case yes.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

So all of you have answered that you’re pretty much not happy except for a select few. So if you aren’t happy why do you continue to stick around? Minus the fact if you have kids or anything like that. Sorry if that’s too personal I’m just genuinely curious.

I ask myself all the time why do I stick around when I am not happy? sometimes I dont have a very good answer other than I have been with my pwBPD for almost half my life, we know each other better than we know ourselves (when we are both in a stable state). I have separated before for a couple of years and I was far more unhappy during that period than with managing the relationship. At least there were highs in the relationship with pwBPD where when I was on my own and even in another relationship briefly I was more alone and unhappy than ever. Leaving didnt seem to be the answer for me, but that leaves a big "Now What?" question.

[Notwendy]

But after I forgave myself and realized that I had been defining "love" by a misbegotten template I had learned from my BPD mother, I took another look at my marriage.

I feel much like Cat does.
Some things that helped me with happiness:

I learned how my upbringing with BPD mother set the stage for my romantic choices and realized it was not just her. I assumed my father was the "normal" one in the relationship and he was a victim of her behaviors. My template for relationships included enabling as not only normal but desirable. Working on my own enabling/co-dependent behaviors allowed me to reset this template.

Learning to not be emotionally reactive to what was said to me, not to JADE, reduced the circular arguments. This doesn't mean tolerating verbal abuse but also to not feel hurt by or react to little snarky digs.

Becoming aware of my own emotional triggers and also "bait" to get into the drama triangle.

The drama triangle as a model helps explain a lot of relationship dynamics for me. Be aware of potential triangles.

Because my BPD mother is severely affected by BPD, I learned to recognize the larger red flags of this disorder and thankfully avoided them However, it is a spectrum condition, and the milder aspects/traits I did not recognize. I am grateful my situation does not include some of her behaviors. However, what looks like "mild" to me may not have been to someone else who was not raised like I was. I don't think I could remain in a relationship with someone like her. My H is not like her- and so it was confusing to me to see these dynamics appear in my marriage. I also realize we are all different and there are likely people who would not tolerate my relationship. Who we are attracted to, and who attracts us is unique to each person.

Radically accepting that a person is both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Like many here, I fell in love with Dr. Jekyll. When Mr. Hyde appeared, I was shocked and upset and only wanted Dr. Jekyll. We can learn tools to deal with Mr. Hyde. It's easier to be Dr. Jekyll with people who we don't know as well and don't live with 24/7 but it also has to be exhausting to hide parts of yourself. This is for both the non too. I was hiding parts of myself by walking on eggshells.

Learning that a marriage isn't there to soothe a wounded inner child but to help us grow emotionally. We both brought childhood hurts into the relationship. I learned to work on mine. As much as I would wish my H would work on his, I know it is something he has to do for himself. I can't do that for him. I think sometimes he thinks I am causing them, but they existed before he met me as mine did too. We didn't fail each other. Neither of us can do the impossible.

[BetterLanes]

My marriage honestly made me want to be dead. Every single other issue in my life got fixed and that feeling was still there, so it was kind of a process of elimination. As a Catholic I thought I was obliged to stay in the marriage (currently under investigation and TBC hopefully soon!). It's possible there would be other reasons to stay but that one was so overriding I couldn't see beyond it and didn't bother to. Weirdly to the uninitiated, wanting to be dead is a valid thing in the Christian and Catholic traditions so I was able to rationalize this whole situation.

My happiness directly concerning the relationship situation (besides other factors like my job and daughter) has come from basically two things:
(1) I am completely convinced that God looks after me and has a plan and my benefit in mind through all the events of my life. So I left it up to him to fix this as well (taking appropriate available actions myself of course).
(2) I am able to spend lengthy periods of time using my spare thinking capacity (beyond that required for domestic and work planning and duties) to create extended romantic fantasies based on fictional characters instead of contemplating my actual life. I'm aware this conflicts in some respects with #1 and is probably very psychologically unhealthy but I view it as a survival mechanism. It generates positive feelings and is a happy place to hide out whilst still being physically present in whatever I'm supposed to be doing.

I know this particular mental arrangement is probably at the unusual end of the spectrum but Conflictedlover you did say you were curious, so I guess you can treat this as a curiosity

[MyBPD_friend]

How are you guys happy? Not in general because I know we can make ourselves happy. But how are you happy in your relationship? I’m exhausted, I’m nowhere near happy. I just wanna sleep and not deal with anything anymore much less the constant change in emotions and standing with my partner. How do you find the happiness in what is an emotionally rolling relationship that seems to have no end to the bad. I mean I see the brief moments of good every now and then but they are few and far between. So I was just curious how you stay happy in your relationships.

I 'm mostly happy. My wife is a non, so am I. Giving space and some freedom for me is the key, along with good communication.

I cme here because of a BPD women who came into my life last year in April.
After terrible times I decided to go full NC to protect myself.

[prof]

So all of you have answered that you’re pretty much not happy except for a select few. So if you aren’t happy why do you continue to stick around? Minus the fact if you have kids or anything like that. Sorry if that’s too personal I’m just genuinely curious.

I didn't stick around.

Now this is the "Conflicted" board, so I don't want to push you in one direction or the other.  But leaving the relationship is certainly one option that many people take.

[Cat Familiar]

How do you find the happiness in what is an emotionally rolling relationship that seems to have no end to the bad. I mean I see the brief moments of good every now and then but they are few and far between.

To go back to your original question, Conflictedlover--what's worked for me is to be consistent at reinforcing the good moments and ignoring the bad. Easier said than done, believe me, I know!

It's taken me a while to get to this point and my biggest stumbling block was my own anger, resentment, and feeling of "unfairness". But I'm pragmatic and when I see a strategy that works, I do work to excise these feelings and get out of my own damn way--but as I said, it took me a while.

That said, it's far easier to do in a relationship where the partner is only mildly borderline, rather than full-on ranting raving BORDERLINE ON STEROIDS. I've had both and there's a world of difference.

The full-on BPD ex husband left a bitter taste where I didn't have the compassion and coping skills for the next BPD-lite husband. Also my BPD mom certainly wore me out with her dramas.

Once I let go of the past and could relate to the person who is currently in my life and is a genuinely nice guy, albeit BPDish, I had a lot more patience and compassion. Yes he has his issues, but I was conflating them with what I'd historically experienced, like--"Not this again... ." But in reality, using the tools I've learned here, his issues are very minor on the scale. The bigger problem was ME, and my reactions to them.