Am I just an object to my uBPD wife?

[random376]

To her, I am just something that makes her feel good or makes her feel bad. When I make her feel good, she sees me as a person who deserves consideration and respect. When I make her feel bad, I am not a person, only something she has to destroy for her own gain.

Am I wrong?

[pearlsw]

Hi random376,

In my case I guess I've seen it another way. I have emotions, he has emotions, his are just much stronger. But I hear ya, it is hard to interact with someone who has extreme emotions. We are able to talk openly about him being "emotionally sensitive". At the worst of times I have indeed felt dehumanized.

How do you feel being with her? How do you relate to her black and white thinking about you?

with compassion, pearl.

[MrRight]

To her, I am just something that makes her feel good or makes her feel bad. When I make her feel good, she sees me as a person who deserves consideration and respect. When I make her feel bad, I am not a person, only something she has to destroy for her own gain.

Am I wrong?

This is how it seems.

She uses me to regulate her inner world. When she feels bad - I have to make her feel good. If she doesnt feel good - it's my job to boost her mood and give her happiness.

As for my needs - they come second or dont exist.

Yes - it does seem like I'm an object - a thing of use - to my uBPD wife.

[babyducks]

hi random376,

objectification is a very real component of most of the mental illnesses that appear on the B Cluster.    People without these illnesses do it too but normally not to the same degree or level of intensity.

this is from a very very old post here on this web site.  I think the author put it very well so I copied her reply.

A big task in my continuing recovery from BPD has been to realise my tendency to objectify other people in my life. What does this mean? …... .So if someone with BPD is driven by a deep and intense need to be loved while at the same time fearing the object of that love will go away or will hurt him/her, then it's easy to see that s/he will tend to view another AS an object, if that makes any sense... .In the same way as a person with NPD uses others as ego-gratifying objects that feed their "narcissistic supply", a person with BPD uses others as an outside means to comfort themselves and to perhaps even give themselves worth, which they believe they lack.

so yes I would have to say you have identified a very real trait of the disorder.   Can I ask,  have you found time to look through some of the workshops and lessons here?   they can help you identify other traits, and what they really represent.   the box on the right hand side of the screen is a good jumping off point.   

'ducks

[formflier]

To her, I am just something that makes her feel good or makes her feel bad. When I make her feel good, she sees me as a person who deserves consideration and respect. When I make her feel bad, I am not a person, only something she has to destroy for her own gain.

Am I wrong?

I can certainly identify with how you feel.

I would encourage you to realize that it's likely not "a plot" or "something she is thinking through" but the result of the intense feelings that she feels and the rapid swings in those feelings.

It is likely that viewing it in such a way might... .just might... .help you "stop the bleeding" from this type of behavior.

What do you think?

FF

[BurntOutFromBPD]

To her, I am just something that makes her feel good or makes her feel bad. When I make her feel good, she sees me as a person who deserves consideration and respect. When I make her feel bad, I am not a person, only something she has to destroy for her own gain.

Am I wrong?

I can 100% relate at this moment in my life. Sometimes the switch can happen in minutes, and can last for days or weeks. I don't feel human anymore either, and feel like I deserve punishment sometimes.
Does the things you do which she sees as making her feel bad have any validity? I mean does she lash out when feeling threatened/attacked or does it come out of the blue from your side?