My daughter had a suicide attempt 3 weeks ago and scared to take her home

[Texastrio]

Hello- glad to find this site. I will be taking 15 almost 16 year old home after 3 weeks in patient and i'm so scared. The treaters want me to send her to an RTC or wilderness program. But we are thinking home and PHP will be better. Plus she has really hit rock bottom. We know everything( well maybe we do) and i keep thinking if she does not buy into the next phase of treatment it will increase her fear of abandonment. She seems so different and is begging to come home. I am just so stressed that she is playing us and will fall backwards when she's home and possibly try again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Texastrio

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through  .  It's incredibly frightening to be confronted by circumstances that lead your child into treatment knowing that the outcome of hospitalisation is only part of the journey.

You are not alone, and we completely understand how scared you must be.   

Are you able to share a little more about what has been going on with your daughter?  Many parents here have had their children hospitalised as a result of serious issues.  Sharing your journey will enable them to engage with you and provide sound guidance and support. 

For myself, my DD27 cut me off 6 months ago after a violent rage, however I have not had experience with hospitalisation as a result of BPD.  Having said that, I could not have got through without the unwavering care of parents here who have been so kind.

I am currently reading a book by Rachel Reiland: Get me out of here.  It is a personal biography of BPD recovery.  She underwent a number of hospitalisations and provides some really great insights into her family life too.

Look after yourself, this is a long process. We are all here with you  and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hello Texastrio

I join Merlot welcoming you to the community. I understand you are scared  , there is nothing more scary when our children are suffering in pain, hurting themselves. Rock bottom is often mentioned by parents here, what does 'rock bottom' mean for you, your daughter? In what way does 'she seem different'?

I can see why you are conflicted with your decision RTC or home and PHP. Is there any sign she's working her treatment? Is your daughter saying she will engage in PHP?

WDx

[Daisy123]

Hi Texastrio,
Wow! The hospital is recommending residential after her first attempt. Do you feel okay giving more details about your daughter?

As for your D’s sudden turn around, I’ve had loads of those during hospital stays(we’ve had more than I can keep track). My DD20 wants to do her best, she promises us the moon and stars and then cannot follow through.

As for residential, my DD has been to 2, one for multiple suicide attempts- another for ideation and drug use disorder. She’ll be (hoping) signing herself into her third tomorrow - focusing on tremendous depression ( has difficulty getting out of bed most days) and again- suicide ideation.

Does your D have a diagnosis?
Is your D good at seeing things through? Every single
Commitment my DD20 makes whether it’s cleaning the bathroom, going to a doctor’s appt. means huge stress for me because she struggles with each and every one of them.

My first thoughts for you regarding RTC- is investigate. We considered Wilderness, my DD’s therapist said a no to that one. One friend of mine said that Wilderness saves her son’s life. RTC I think- needs to be an appropriate fit for the person.

We’ve done plenty of PHPs as well. Each were terribly hard to get my DD to because of her commitment issues. She has little to no motivation most days.

Let us know how things go.

Daisy123

[Yepanotherone]

Hi there TexasTrio  and welcome to the family 

I’m right there with you , feeling utterly terrified at the thought of having your DD home and feeling responsible for keeping her safe . It’s utter hell.  My DD was 15 when she was first diagnosed and we’ve been through the absolute ringer with her . We are coming out the other end of the tunnel now , she’s 18 now and seems to have matured to a level necessary for getting her life on track . She was way down in the deepest darkest cesspits of life and I literally watched it happen as she went from bad to worse and each of the BPD criterial came out one by one on all their glory Urgh ! I still have post traumatic stress from it all!

I’m not sure what I can say to make this more manageable for you other than to just give you hugs and say I’ve been there too . It WILL get better . I think one important thing to do for yourself and for your family is never give up hope that things WILL stabilize . Even during our toughest times , I did keep a tiny shred of hope that our lives would somehow be liveable again . And that’s exactly what’s happened

Things I found myself doing when my DD was being discharged . I’d clean her room and change her sheets etc so that she’d feel more organized and happy to be home ( not sure if that was a good thing to do or not ... .sometimes she’d be thankful , other times she’d be mad because sh would think i was invading her privacy etc ). But nonetheless, it would make ME feel I was doing something nice and useful . I’d buy in some nice food and we would always get an Indian take out curry on her first night home ( how ridiculous is that ! That she was in hospital so often, it became a ritual that she expected and looked forward to !) I would make sure all medications were still locked up and I would hide all the razors ( which was kind of senseless because my DD always kept a stash of them anyway and if I threw them out she would only go buy more ! I knew her hiding places and i would  count how many “ new” ones were there - my theory being at least I could monitor just how often she was cutting herself and make sure she was using clean razors ... crazy huh ? )
I would always have an extra snoop around her room /phone etc and would use the time she was in hospital to make sure I knew as much as I could find out about what was going on in her life without the fear of her walking in on me and finding me snooping ! Again with hindsight , it felt right at the time and helped me to feel more “ in control “ because I felt if I knew what she was getting up to , I was better placed to inadvertently place many spanners in her works and protecting her from herself sometimes ( eg I knew when she was planning on heading out to have sex with a stranger so I would “ innocently “ put a spanner in her plans to stop her . In hindsight , I drove myself absolutely nuts with my inspector gadget behaviors and I really didn’t do myself any favors because I was constantly stressed . And when I was feeling stressed and sickened in the knowledge of what my DD was getting up to andnall her lies , I was more confrontational. That was never good!

Many of my “ coping “ mechanisms weren’t very helpful . But as time moved on , as we participated in family therapy , and as I learned more about BPD , together with this forum and learning how to use the tools in this website , I was able to manage my own emotional responses more effectively. That helped my relationship with my DD a lot .

Keep posting here , we really  do care and support each other xx