My BPD D20 is noe pregnant making everyone's life harder...

[Jnel921]

If life wasn't hard enough dealing with the news of her pregnancy it was harder to deal with the fact that she says she wants to keep it. I don't believe she understands the level of responsibility she needs to have to raise a baby.

She is living with the baby's father's mother and their family. Its a sad situation as he doesn't want her there. His mother feels bad and I'm sure only allows her because of the pregnancy. She called me on Friday and said she wanted to leave and have an abortion. She was in a park late at night because she said the BF had kicked her out after a fight.

I asked her if she was really ready and willing to do this and she said yes. A little further into our conversation she started changing her mind about the pregnancy and started screaming at me to leave her alone. I told her perhaps she should talk to her brother who is here on leave from the military and she said no. That he says that same thing everyone else says. That she should end the pregnancy.

Tomorrow is her doctor's appointment. I am not sure what is going to happen. Right now that baby is nothing but a pawn in her life. I in no way want anything to do with having to raise this child if she decides she cannot. I am overwhelmed right now with my parents and life would be easier if she was helping me like a normal person could.

My D has been so selfish and she doesn't think about the future. She said she is not happy that I don't understand. But I do. I had to make some serious decisions when I was pregnant with her, but I was a little older and had more going for myself. She is stuck on stupid and no matter what I say she doesn't listen. I have called her over the past 2 days and she has rushed me off the phone saying she'd call me back and never did. I decided I am not going to try calling or doing anything else. When she is serious about a decision she knows where to reach me.

I am tired of her calling me only when she finds herself in a bad situation. I am a hotel and wallet to her. I am done. I have to focus on my health and happiness. Which at this point I feel is at an all time low. There is a saying that god never gives us anything that we cant handle... .but I am so tired of this and upset that I have to deal with someone like her who has no regard for anyone including that child she is carrying.

I know I can say all of this because of my age and experience, but even when I was her age I knew what wasn't good for me. This BPD is going to be the end of all us I think. As long as she tries to manipulate and is using this pregnancy to force a relationship the father of her fetus he will always hate her and treat her badly. She isn't even considering how behaving this way in front of an actual child will scar it.

I am at my wits end. I don't feel like it will get any better unless she wakes up and grows up.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Wow.  All I can write is what's repeating in my head: you are right.  You are so right. 

Stay your course.  You have a boundary. You won't raise her child.  You won't be a hotel nor a wallet.  Find a nice way to communicate your boundary to her and then - stick to it.   

I've heard the expression god only gives us what we can handle and it's tempted me many times to bend over just a bit more.  But it's just an expression.  It's not a bible passage.  I think when it comes to God, all he wants is for us to take good care of ourselves and then, when we're healthy with extra energy/wealth/resources, help others.  But we must care lovingly for the life we were given.  That's Job 1. 

[Feeling Better]

Hi Jnel921

You said that your daughter had a doctors appointment, I was just wondering, are you able to share the outcome of that visit?

I am so sorry to hear of your current situation. As Faith Spring says, you have good boundaries in place for yourself, you acknowledge that you do not want to have anything to do with the raising of the child if she goes ahead and keeps the baby. You know that she will struggle should she go ahead and have the baby, but what if she decides or feels pressured to have an abortion, how do you think she would cope with that?

I have to focus on my health and happiness. Which at this point I feel is at an all time low.

It’s no wonder that you feel at an all time low, you have so much to deal with right now, with your daughter and also your parents, I hope that you are able to take time out just for you x 

[wendydarling]

Hi Jnel921

How are you? I'm so very sorry things are at an all time low, we are here for you 

WDx

[DoneMom]

So with you and understanding of your frustration and sadness!

I too made it clear long ago to my DD 23 that if she becomes pregnant and wants to keep the child, I will not raise her baby.  I know I do not have the stamina at age 54 and she knows I am serious. 

I am lucky that I am not in your shoes where she is testing that boundary but I truly think you are doing the right thing and I wish you and your daughter the best.

DMom

[Jnel921]

On Monday my D's BF called me screaming and yelling that he wanted my D out of his mother's apt. I texted her and asked her if she was okay and she said no. I called her, she was crying and told me she wanted to leave however he was hitting her. I told her that I would go to his building once I was off the train and I immediately called the police.

 She then called my H who called me and did not want to pick her up. She asked that her brother go but the BF made threats against my son and I told him not to go over there as he goes back to his unit on Sunday and I did not want him put in any danger.

 My H eventually went and got her and she had left by the time the police got there. She was bruised, scratched and told me she was in pain. The guy punched her in the face and her jaw was bruised. She told us she didn't want to be with him and that she wanted "this thing" out of her. Later that evening she went with my son to the police station to file a complaint and order of protection.

 On Tuesday I called her OB/GYN and told her that my D was now ready to terminate the pregnancy. She of course because of her age had to be on the line and confirmed this. Yesterday they referred us to a place and gave us an appointment for Friday.

 This morning she woke up changing her tune about having an abortion. I was not happy about this. Right now she quit her job. She is telling me how she has supported herself for the last 2 years and how she can support this baby. I told her she has lived with others including me for the past 2 years and that I was not going to allow her to live in my home if she is insisting on bringing a child into the world to deal with and suffer all of her pain.

 My son was also upset. He has been trying to help her with job opportunities with people he knows. He told her they had a deal. I honestly feel she thinks she can manipulate everyone with her decisions. She said her dad offered to take her to Florida. So I told her if he is supporting this then she needs to go live with him and they need to figure this out.

 She became upset because she said I don't support her. I told her I don't care what you do. But it should not involve me. I shouldn't have to provide for your children. If you want kids you need to have something for them.

 She is out of her mind and out of control. I am not sure what else to do. I don't want to call her dad right now because he will tell her to keep it since he doesn't care. But if she doesn't go to that appointment on Friday she is going to mess up her life more than it already is.

 She has made one bad choice after the other. I am sure she feels pressure on both sides but she is not considering the most important factor. The baby and what she will not be able to do for it. She is convinced that she doesn't need the BF and she can do whatever it takes to keep it. Not sure what to do next.

[wendydarling]

Jnel921 

I'm so very sorry, you, your husband and son, responding to the call of your daughter to rescue her, and then she turns.

What do you think is best to do next, standing back till she comes forward, may help her, it is her decision, responsibility, to think this through?

How is your Father, and your Mother? Any nearer to their new housing, home?

WDx

[Jnel921]

Thanks Wendydarling,

Unfortunely the housing situation hasn't improved yet for my parents. I have been submitting applications every other day online and do the paper ones I mail on the weekend.

Most apartment buildings are not senior friendly and require a certain amount of minimum income. If don't meet it then I must be their guarantor. It hasn't been easy. My nephew is supposed to come down from Buffalo this weekend and stay in the area for a bit where he will be doing a foot search from building to building collecting applications in order to help me.

My mom unfortunely has witnessed my H and I getting into heated arguments over my D. Although my H has apologized I am sure she doesn't want to be in the middle of my drama either.

I am just going to continue to pray and ask god to handle this the way he thinks best. I just want to be in a happier place and right now there is so much uncertainty and tension. It has to get better.

[DoneMom]

Jnel921,

I am awed by the strength that you’re showing in such a hard, hard situation!  I hope you are ok through this regardless of what your daughter decides... .hang in there and stick to your own values and what you believe is right for your daughter. 

I also see in your posts the terrible stress of being the mother of an adult child with BPD while you are also dealing with the needs of your ill/aging parents.  In my book, you are a saint for handling all of this as well as you are doing.

I am in the same boat and I am cheering you on from the sidelines!


Best to you, your parents and your daughter,

DMom

[Overwhelmedabit]

I really feel for you. It must seem to you like you are trying to put out fires all over the place. I admire your boundaries!
My BPD daughter could care less about her son, who is 2 now and I am raising him. She makes such bad choices. Also dealing with my mom in the nursing home and still working full
Time. It’s a hard life.
Stick to your boudaries!

[wendydarling]

Hi Jnel921

I'm glad to hear you are getting some support and hope your nephew makes it to yours this weekend to help out. You've a full time job happening there with your search for suitable accommodation, it sounds like a challenging situation. It'll be a relief to get them settled and reclaim your oh so precious me time.

Yes it has to get better. How are you managing with your self care?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Jnel921]

Yesterday my D had an abortion. After many conversations and her BF's actions that made her see the light she finally decided to go through with it.

It was an emotional day. They did a sonogram and gave her the picture of the fetus. She was less than 8 weeks so it still didn't have a figure. But this made her more emotional. She also was fearful that the process would stop her from being able to have more kids. The doctor assured her that it wouldn't.

When she came out of the procedure I was there waiting for her. My son and his GF originally took her but then I decided to go. I wasn't sure if the BPD would make her rage against me after all of this and then she would find a way to blame me. But she was actually very happy and touched I feel. I hugged her and told her that I was sorry that this all happened and that we were there for her.

I have very mixed emotions right now. I feel sad, but relieved that she doesn't have to make her life worse than it was. I am praying that things get better. I want to help her. But I want her to show me that she will earn a second chance. I talked to her about her behavior. How it needs to improve. Let's see.

[pjmanley41]

I'm so sorry to hear about your D.  After my first gd was born 7 years ago my D had 2 abortions (at my expense) and then got pregnant again (3 years ago).  She took the money I gave her for another abortion and went on a drug binge... .now I have a second gd--the father took her (after a DNA test) but I've been raising my oldest GD since she was 5 months old (I'm 61, in sorta poor health and surviving on very low income) but my D calls wanting money for cigs and "green" and gets horribly abusive when I don't come through. 

I thought I was alone until I found this forum.  And, I thought I was the worst mother ever to not want all those grand babies... .I hope both our situations get better.

[wendydarling]

Jnel921

I really feel for you, an emotional day, filled with sadness and relief, mixed emotions as you say. A day and a decision we parents never expect, ever want our BPD and non BPD daughters to experience. I'm glad you had the moment to hug your daughter, she appreciated you were there for her, you connected and you found a place to talk

Did your daughter agree her behaviour has to improve?

WDx 

[Jnel921]

Thanks... .she is a little more stable now. However she did quit her job. True BPD behavior. Now she is going on an interview tomorrow at a daycare. Not sure if that is the best place to be after her abortion. She hasn't been as argumentative as in the past. So I can see a little change there.

She keeps herself somewhat busy. I believe the ex keeps texting and calling her but I do see that she becomes angry and starts talking to other people. I am trying to loosen the rope a little by allowing her to use my car as long as she picks up my mom and takes her to the nursing facility where my dad is.

I am still praying because nothing stays calm here for very long.

[wendydarling]

I hope you've had a calmer week Jnell921 and find some space for you this weekend. That's what I'm doing, my mother is now a month settled and happy in her care home, I do hope you get your parents settled soon.  Loosening the rope with use of your car in return for helping out, it's an opportunity for positive reinforcement of good behaviour.

How did the interview go? Has your daughter worked in day care before?

WDx