New to everything: bf'd ex wife has BPD, went ballistic about me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, I’m new this this entire world. My bf Of 2 years has an ex wife with BPD. They have a child that is almost 3... .he’s so cute.
The ex wife finally  found out about me and went a little ballistic. Saying she’s legally required to know my name so she can do a back round check, is that true in Utah law? Everything I looked up said no.

[Binxie]

Hi, I’m new this this entire world. My bf Of 2 years has an ex wife with BPD. They have a child that is almost 3... .he’s so cute.
The ex wife finally  found out about me and went a little ballistic. Saying she’s legally required to know my name so she can do a back round check, is that true in Utah law? Everything I looked up said no.

[pearlsw]

Hi Binxie,



Did your boyfriend tell you much about BPD? Was he trying not to let this get out, your presence in his life, but it did? And the ex didn't react well?

I'm not sure about the laws on such things in Utah.

Are you around the kids? Had you been around the kids without her knowing?

I know it must be unnerving, but most parents would care about who is around your kids. Is your boyfriend on top of handling this issue?

take care, pearl.

[Binxie]

Hi! Thank you for your response. Everything I know about BPD is from this website and DSM books and other similar sources.

I did know about the kid when we started dating.
I’m still researching Utah family laws... .fun.

[Turkish]

My ex told me this when we first split, that she would want to run a background check on admit woman I brought into the lives of the kids.  It pissed me off, especially since she didn't do the same on her side (left me for another guy and introduced the kids to him far too soon).

My thoughts on your situation are these;

You seem to be becoming part of this family, and this is the beginning.  If you do become closer, it's likely that she would learn your name.  If so, what would turn up with net silly background check from some website? Nothing,  yes? It's her paranoia. 

I'm with you on saying "No! She's crazy!" But if you are going to continue in this r/s. It's likely that she might know you, and you her.  And you may have to interact in person at some point. 

[ForeverDad]

The ex wife finally found out about me and went a little ballistic. Saying she’s legally required to know my name so she can do a back round check

Notice that her first response is to flame out and make demands.  While we here are not lawyers... .I don't believe the law requires her to know your name.  Perhaps the law requires your BF to divulge your name when asked, I don't know, but that's a totally different thing.  She is probably making legal presumptions due to her sense of entitlement and her strong emotions on the matter.  You may need to get a legal consultation with a reputable and proactive local family law attorney, someone who has experience with high conflict cases, who can expound on this and other issues sure to arise.  You don't have to hire a lawyer, just consult with one.  That could be free or relatively inexpensive.

[livednlearned]

The ex wife finally  found out about me and went a little ballistic.

It's pretty normal for a mom or dad to feel protective, or even jealous/fear, when a child starts to form a bond elsewhere.

Being BPD, her emotions will be more intense. She probably feels some jealously (what if S3 likes you better), some betrayal (she's the last to know), and fear (what if you do bad things to kids).

She won't think to herself, "I can see why he kept his GF secret. I fly off the handle pretty easy."

How you respond depends on how severe her BPD is.

Bill Eddy describes three levels of severity:

*generally cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, dangerous

By dangerous, he means violent behavior (including suicide), drugs & alcohol, and also false allegations (child molestation, DV, restraining orders).

Also, note that she just responded in an extreme way and got you running. People who suffer from BPD dysregulate from their own feelings and deal with those feelings in terrible ways, for themselves and for others. This incident is simply the first emotional roller coaster, there will be many, many more.

It's good to pay attention to how this has affected you, how you responded, how you feel. When someone with BPD gets on an emotional roller coaster, try to stay grounded. Don't get on it with her.

There is no law that says she is entitled to know your name.   

She feels powerless and deeply insecure and is trying to gain control and power over a situation that feels overwhelming to her. She doesn't have the skills to manage these feelings so she tries desperately to control what is outside her, which right now is a potential competitor to the devotion of her child.

You deserve to move as quickly as you feel comfortable. It would be nice for her to know your name so she can soothe herself -- it's not how you or I might do it, but she's at the mercy of a much bigger emotional storm. But if you aren't comfortable yet, then by all means take precautions to keep that information discreet until you're ready to do otherwise.

I kept my SO's last name private for a year, until my ex got my son to snoop. My ex is not cooperative and dangerous, and I worried that he would harass my SO. Which he did. He went on an email campaign to disparage me, and made threats that he would contact SO's employer.

SO has a BPD ex wife, and a BPD sister, so this isn't his first rodeo. Both of us became better at staying grounded and not letting either his ex or mine jack up our nervous systems.

It's more important that you develop emotional regulation skills for yourself when these things flare up. Because flaring up is part of having someone with BPD in your life 

[Panda39]

My SO's kids were older 10 & 14 when we met so I am sure their uBPDmom got my name from them.  I have chosen not to meet her, though we have attended some of the kids same functions together.  My SO and I have been together almost 8 years.

One thing I did do back in the beginning was make sure all the people in my life were aware that this emotionally unstable woman was in my life, this included people at work.  She had made false allegations of child abuse against my SO so I would not have been surprised if she had tried something in my direction.  I wanted the people in my life to have an awareness of her and what she was capable of.  Luckily she never directed anything towards me.

She could have done a background on me and she would have found nothing.  I had a speeding ticket in 1997!  Meanwhile she had her license suspended for not paying tickets, and a warrant for the same tickets, was arrested for the same tickets, had been charged with fraud, had evictions etc.  I agree with LnL that her emotions were running a muck but in my case there was also projection.  

When I first came on the scene my SO's younger daughter asked her dad how many times I had been arrested?  At the time I thought she was worried about me because she had seen her mother arrested, but looking back I'm sure her mother put her up to asking the question.  Incredibly sad... .these are not things a 10 year old child should be even thinking about.

Panda39

[Nope]

Expect a lot of untrue statements of entitlement. It's pretty much par for the course. A year ago my DH's mom took the kid's out of state to uBPDex's estranged mother's funeral and uBPDex caught wind of it. She called the kid's phone and had them put her on speaker and screamed at DH's mom that it was illegal for her to take the kids across state lines without her permission. DH's mom just rolled her eyes and ignored it. (She also quietly let the two concerned looking kids know not to worry.)

Truth is that she just didn't want to kids going to the funeral. I sometimes think that she thinks that if she can get other people to believe what she is saying then that makes it true. And to an extent she is right. She has the power you believe she has.

[Klera]

Hi Binxie,

Om gosh I had to respond to you!  I just read everything and oh my this takes me back to when my step kids were small and I first arrived on the scene.  It reminded me of what happened and that I can completely relate to your story!  I can help or share.

A bit of background: Boy was five, girl was six. We had dated for a year before I met his kids (we had 'our' time first  and it was important to him that we did things slow before introducing them to me since he was just separated back then). He (my husband now) briefed me in the beginning on this thing called, "BPD" and "Personality Disorders"  and he had just read the book, "Walking On Eggshells" as their doctor had semi-diagnosed her unofficially, but enough info to help him through the separation and gave him some answers as to her extremely odd and disturbing behaviour throughout their marriage and leading up to the separation and impending divorce.

Anyhew... .

Once I met the kids, all 4 of us went out together... .and then the fun began.  Despite us being on the discrete and cautious side (we did try) we never instructed them NOT to say anything or censor them in any way.  But we also did not anticipate or plan anything either.   We purposefully kept a low profile from common places she might frequent as to not push our luck.  Within about a week or two, my then boyfriend got a fun phone call from the kids' mom in TEARS and totally freaked out about hearing about this (my name) and wanted to know everything and why had he not said anything, (I'm sure her entitlement brain was in overdrive) and talk about the "white elephant" openly, and then her going off about her being the ONLY mother the kids will ever have... .bla bla bla... type of tantrum. I don't recall but I remember him telling me about this phone call from her in the beginning (when they used to speak on the phone but eventually became 'email only' in subsequent years to present.    He purposefully did not tell her himself (he tried to explain), because he knew she would not take it well and did not want any sort of confrontation.  He had just been to her house (marital home he gave her in the divorce) and tried to sit down with her and reason at the table and discuss the separation terms before the lawyers and when it got to the money part, she physically chased him out of the house, he just got out, she slammed the door and he heard this big, "THUNK", like she threw her entire body weight at the door.  Keep in mind she is a bigger gal on top of it... .so... .He saw she could be physically violent then. 

Do you think she was ready to hear about him seeing someone?  Nope.  But oh well, it was about to unfold anyway.

She prompted the kids to find out my last name, she wanted to meet me so she just showed up out of the blue at an outdoor event she found out we were going to (via prompting the kids) and suddenly it was, "HI, I'm the kids' mom" like it was such a coincidence we were all running into each other! and I was like:  stunned.  She just crashed a family date.  Good grief.  Just pushed herself into knowing as much as she could to the point of using the kids and stalking.  So beware of that, it will happen.   I guess between you and your man, you'll have discuss a plan, what, when, how info is shared or presented etc.  I would like to offer you could be considerate of her feelings but any good you might do will be seen as 'bad' anyway.   I think one might have to trust your SO (significant other) with this part as they know the person best.  But it's up to both of you I moving forward to have strategies in place for dealing with a high conflict person such as a borderline... .I don't know if that helps or not... .but just a thought.

Yes, a BPD mom will go ballistic, she is unable to self regulate or control her rage within, outside, wherever it may be.  She too, has a massive entitlement 'I am mother' badge on her chest and by god there is nobody else going to replace her in that regard. Which explains the years of her incessant conflict and struggle to accept my existence in the kids' lives.    I have to say here that I've learned about BPD behaviour, their minds, their behaviour etc since and it's been 10 years on.  There is plenty of info on this site, and with others here.  I would highly recommend the workshops and to snoop around at all that is available, it does help!  I'm still learning...

I'm not sure about advice but I would say to please watch out for yourself.  In that, we tend to love deeply and sacrifice and get caught up in all that means, of course we do, but I've learned that I (myself) tend to get lost in that somewhere and have learned to not only look out for them, yourself as well, whether physically (obvious one!) but mentally and emotionally.  Having a BPD person in your life (whomever it is or wherever) is difficult so just learn as much as you can and don't hesitate to reach out.

Cheers,
Klera   
 

[ForeverDad]

Do you see the RELATIONSHIP TOOLS menu near the bottom of this thread?  One of its links is Values and Boundaries.  You, and your BF too, need to review how to handle the ex's inquiries, demands, reactions and overreactions.  Here's what I wrote recently to another new member:

I found this site in the first month or two after our separation in late 2005 — and I'm still learning or refreshing my memory.  This is all a process, but in a positive direction.  Collectively, our coping skills weren't very good at first, often just being passive, compliant, acquiescing and appeasing.  We were accustomed to getting slammed down every time we tried to stand up for ourselves.  Here we have the opportunity to educate ourselves, learn communication skills, be more observant and more capable.  You've just gotten some excellent posts on communication approaches.

One change you'll note by gaining education on these matters is that you can make more informed and more confident decisions, responses and observations.  Your boundaries will become better and more effective.  I had a hard time getting it drilled into my head what effective boundaries actually are.  I thought they were, "You must do ___ or you must not do ___."  Wrong, in most cases we really can't force our spouse or ex to change or respect our boundaries.  It's almost like boundaries are to them as waving a red cloth is to a bull, it must be attacked, gored, trampled.

A key insight I eventually understood was that the boundary is for us, not the others who are more inclined to trample them.  So the boundary is on us to maintain, as in, "If you do ___ or do not do ___ then I will do ____."  See the difference?  We take charge of the boundary aspect which we can control.  The others can ignore it or not but their actions will guide how we apply our boundary.