We are tired of her using the kids to hurt and manipulate us

[Parents! Get help here!]

I need advice fast. Our BPD daughter just told us she is cutting us out of the kids lives except for 'special occasions and day visits'. Translation: No holidays, etc. Our ex SIL who feels our pain, invited us to come see the kids, so the first time in many years, we did (she does not know we have ANY contact with him and his family. We decided that we are tired of her abuse and using the kids to hurt and manipulate us. We are tired of her selfishness and callousness towards us. When he offered this we agonized bc we know it means we can lose her forever-but we are losing the grandkids already and they are our only ones (shes our only child). Did we do the right thing? As of this post she does not yet know but within a few hours, she will. WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

[abcdefg1]

I need advice fast. Our BPD daughter just told us she is cutting us out of the kids lives except for 'special occasions and day visits'. Translation: No holidays, etc. Our ex SIL who feels our pain, invited us to come see the kids, so the first time in many years, we did (she does not know we have ANY contact with him and his family. We decided that we are tired of her abuse and using the kids to hurt and manipulate us. We are tired of her selfishness and callousness towards us. When he offered this we agonized bc we know it means we can lose her forever-but we are losing the grandkids already and they are our only ones (shes our only child). Did we do the right thing? As of this post she does not yet know but within a few hours, she will. WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi abcdefg1

Oh my gosh, what a dreadful situation. I am so concerned for you that your daughter will see your contact with your ex SIL as a betrayal.

I do understand your reasons for doing what you did, however, only time will tell whether there will be repercussions.

Are you sure that she will know about it soon, will your grandkids tell her do you think?

IMHO, I think if she does find out, it would be best to be honest about it and say that you did it only because you were invited and you really wanted to see the kids as you were missing them so much, but of course, it is up to you what you say to her, that’s just my opinion. I’m so sorry I can’t help any more than that. I hope with all my heart that this doesn’t go the wrong way for you x 

[Harley Quinn]

It sounds like she is already reducing your time with them, so what do you expect her likely reaction to be?  I'm wondering if she is going to be most upset by the fact you saw them without her express permission, or whether it is more likely to be because of the contact with their father.  This must be very unnerving for you. 

When you ask what you should do, what do you see as your options?  From what I read in your post, it doesn't sound like you can prevent her discovery so I'd imagine that there is little you can do as such, other than work with what you're presented with.  How do you expect the communication will play out?  Have you had any similar experiences with her that you can draw upon now to help you to handle her reaction?

Love and light x

[Skip]

Mom of a 30 yr old who has BPD but wont admit it. She is keeping our grandchildren away on purpose and as she puts it 'intentionally' shutting us out of her life. She can go to hell as far as Im concerned. She has put us thru hell and I hate her for it. However we adore our grandchildren... .

Do I understand this correctly... .you and you daughter have parted ways which is fine for you, but you are upset that she has included the grand-kids in this?

Why are you to so distant?

[abcdefg1]

Hi OP here. We went to see them. Our plan is to tell her that we were invited and so we went. Nothing to do with him. She knows about it, the kids told her. She has not spoken to us since. She did yell at him and was very angry that he allowed us to take them. Idk what will happen next. I hope we did not just lose everything. He is a manipulator too. We did nothing wrong but of course, as a BPD who always criminalizes us, we are the betrayers. Never mind that our access to the kids was less and less, and we just wanted to see them. Never mind her disrespect and abuse, as well as her hatred of us no matter how much money, cars, etc we gave her. Never mind how much we alwys supposrted her and were there for her and the kids thru the divorce, funded her lawyers, etc. She will prob go silent and cut us off for good. Please help me. Do I reach out to her now since she has yet to reach out? Do I wait for her to make the first move?

[Skip]

Do I understand this correctly... .you and you daughter have parted ways which is fine for you, but you are upset that she has included the grand-kids in this?

Why are you to so distant?

Can you tells us the back story?

[Feeling Better]

Hi abcdefg1

I understand how angry you are feeling right now, you have done so much for your daughter, only to have it thrown back in your face, BUT, she is the mother of your grandkids, and as such she is entitled to limit or deny access if she so chooses.

The fact that you have gone behind her back raises issues of trust, she might feel that she cannot trust you anymore.

Do you think it would be best if you wait it out, give her some space for a while?

[abcdefg1]

ok as the OP I will try to give you some more background. Let me say first that she has not contacted us as of yet, and she does know we went to see the kids from the kids... As far as not trusting us, she trusts nobody. That being said, we have given her every reason to trust us as we have done everything for her and more. we have taken her abuse for 13 years since we believe she is a BPD (as does her ex who is a social worker). She has also denigrated us to all who will listen as well as telling her exs fam and her boyfriends family that we were abusive, she has no fam, etc (and all who know us would laugh at how she as an only child had everything all her life). So losing her trust is not an issue since she did not trust us anyway. Secondly, it was a chance to see the kids, so we took it. we have no relationship with her ex. Nor do we want one. So we did nothing wrong. However, SHE will see it as a betrayal and we will pay the price, one way or another, I am sure. Does the fact that she didnt call us mean she cut off from us, or is witholding and distancing like BPDs do? OR is she gathering herself for one of her famous rages? Who knows. Do I initiate contact? Whats your opinion?

[Feeling Better]

I don’t think the fact that she didn’t call you means that she has necessarily cut you off, she might just be taking time out to process her thoughts and feelings.

As I said before, she might just need some space right now. I wish I had answers for you but sadly it’s not that simple when BPD is in the mix x 

[Harley Quinn]

Just putting two and two together, from what you've said, you've done a lot for your daughter.  I get the impression that you are feeling pretty angry towards her and she towards you - I am guessing - because it sounds as though something happened which caused her to reduce her level of contact with you.  Am I guessing correctly? 

What went down that brought you all to the situation where she had decided to limit your contact with the children in the first place?  It may seem to you as though nothing was done wrong by visiting the kids, however we must remember that in her perception, something was.  Did she expressly stipulate that you don't see the kids outside of certain days/times that she agrees upon?  If so, then she will in fairness be upset that you went against her wishes.  This is just my view, but it sounds like there is a bigger picture here somewhere.  Maybe you could fill in the blanks for us.

Love and light x

[Faith Spring]

Hi, sorry to hear you're been through the wringer.  My d is 17 and also an only child who criminalizes me and will tell anyone she's been neglected and abused. 

My take on your situation is that your d probably doesn't care as much as you give her credit for.  Yes of course she will add this to her list of homicides you've committed.  (you took a precious rare opportunity to see your grandchildren.  That's your big crime).

I wouldn't reach out to her.  Im sorry this is so terrible and no one should have to suffer this way but you may need to stand back and reconsider your expectations for a closer relationship with the grandkids.  You saw them recently - hang onto that.  Write them a note care of their father, it's something they can hang on to.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[abcdefg1]

nothing 'went down' that we know of, however since she creates her own reality and percieves things her own way, she also 'created' a reason for that. We have no idea. It went from them living in our home for months to no unsupervised contact a few times a year. why? no idea. Thats why we finally came to go to see them thru her ex who is willing to let us see thm although he has 'demands' too so we dont know how long that will last. So now she 'went silent' and has not called or contacted us since. I was waiting for one of her rages so idk whats happening. You are damn right we are angry. We have taken her abuse for YEARS and supported her no matter what. those poor kids who love us so and miss us. Idk what will happen now.

[Feeling Better]

Hi abcdefg1

I just want to say I ‘hear’ you, keep hanging on in there and update us when you can.

FB x