she got out of the hospital yesterday - attempted suicide

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

Thank you for being here.

This is the first time I've ever posted anything like this online.  My wife of one year and 21-year engagement has escalated to an extreme degree.  We are a lesbian couple.  I'm 75 and she's 73.

When she came home last night she was sweetness and light.  Today is another story.

Let me start again.  Last Thursday (6/21/18) she went into a meltdown.  She screamed that she wouldn't wait for psychiatric help next week (today).  She needed help now.  Monday 6/18/18 I called the crisis hotline.  She was talking suicide.  She refused to talk to them but she said she'd go to the hospital.  It never happened.  The rest of the week was crazy. 

Thursday came, I somehow walked past her three times without kissing her.  The rage was crazy extreme.  By afternoon, her sister and brother in law, who live next door, came over to "help".  I went to take a shower and wash laundry (we live in an RV in an RV park) to get a time out.  They said she was sweetness and light while I was gone.  The second I stepped back inside she was on the attack.

Now, I want you to know, I never paid attention to the negative stuff she said.  I wasn't even aware of it anymore until they told me how amazed they were at the turnaround.  So, I listened.  I recorded some of the diatribe and rages.  I saved the nasty emails and notes.  Just to make sure I was hearing/seeing what was really going on.

I called the suicide hotline again.  She spoke with them.  They told her to hand me the phone and when she did they said to get her to a hospital tonight.  The man I was talking to was chilling.  I knew she was working herself up to take those pills.

The sad part is that I really thought about letting her take them.

By late afternoon she had insulted everyone she ever knew on Facebook.  Relatives, good friends.  Didn't matter.  By this time there is screaming.

A little later she decided it was time to take her pills and went after the bag.  She appeared suicidal.  Her sister took the pills away (fought to take them away) and she bit her sister on the arm and broke the skin.  She doesn't have teeth and didn't have her dentures in.

Her sister left the house and her brother-in-law came in.  She called the cops and said he was accosting her.  I, fortunately, by this time, was on 911 talking to the dispatcher.  So, he's ok as far as the police go.  Unfortunately, she was trying to get to the knives and kill him.  She had kicked him in the groin a few times and wrenched his shoulder.

He held her down until the cops/ambulance got here.  12 cops and she said something to them that they took her out in handcuffs and legcuffs and transported her in the squad car because she was too combative to go in the ambulance.

For the next few days while she was in the hospital I searched the internet, trying to find out what is going on.  To tell the truth, I don't remember how I found this site but I'm glad I did.  There is so much information here.

So, this morning I tried to tell her that I need boundaries.  I told her that she needs to start taking care of herself.  I've been doing everything for her.  The first thing she tried after she realized that I wasn't changing my mind nor softening the boundary she wanted me to cut and manicure her nails.  I didn't realize what I've gotten into the habit of doing everything and almost everything for her until I saw those ugly letters and heard her on the recording.  I still can't listen to more than 5 minutes of the three 1/2 hours I've recorded.  She handed me toilet paper once last week and asked me to wipe her butt.  I don't know if she's acting the baby part or the 5-year-old part or just being nasty.

Today she's told her sister that I am not family and I should be ignored.  Today she decided to name the shelves that her stuff is on in the pantry.  Her shelves of her stuff and the rest of the pantry.  Today she decided she's going to designate a square part of the living room (in the RV) as her personal space.  Today she told her sister and brother-in-law that she would prefer it if I didn't go with her to her psychiatrists meeting today.  I stayed home so she would have no excuse not to go.  And, I didn't want to go anyway although I would have.

I've been reading voraciously.  This site and Out of the Fog website have opened my eyes.  I completely read through:  The essential family guide to personality disorder recommended somewhere. 

I have been, today, because it's like a lifeline and it calms me down and doesn't often allow her a chance to create word circles, the following.  Sung to the tune of Row Row Row your boat.

Breathe, Breathe, Safety first, Acknowledge what you hear.

Don't defend, Delay instead, Distract, Defuse, or DEAR.

Dear = Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce

I realize that today is day one and I have to stay firm.  And I will.

Thank you for being there.

[RavenBird]

Hi All,

Thank you for being here.

This is the first time I've ever posted anything like this online.  My wife of one year and 21-year engagement has escalated to an extreme degree.  We are a lesbian couple.  I'm 75 and she's 73.

When she came home last night she was sweetness and light.  Today is another story.

Let me start again.  Last Thursday (6/21/18) she went into a meltdown.  She screamed that she wouldn't wait for psychiatric help next week (today).  She needed help now.  Monday 6/18/18 I called the crisis hotline.  She was talking suicide.  She refused to talk to them but she said she'd go to the hospital.  It never happened.  The rest of the week was crazy. 

Thursday came, I somehow walked past her three times without kissing her.  The rage was crazy extreme.  By afternoon, her sister and brother in law, who live next door, came over to "help".  I went to take a shower and wash laundry (we live in an RV in an RV park) to get a time out.  They said she was sweetness and light while I was gone.  The second I stepped back inside she was on the attack.

Now, I want you to know, I never paid attention to the negative stuff she said.  I wasn't even aware of it anymore until they told me how amazed they were at the turnaround.  So, I listened.  I recorded some of the diatribe and rages.  I saved the nasty emails and notes.  Just to make sure I was hearing/seeing what was really going on.

I called the suicide hotline again.  She spoke with them.  They told her to hand me the phone and when she did they said to get her to a hospital tonight.  The man I was talking to was chilling.  I knew she was working herself up to take those pills.

The sad part is that I really thought about letting her take them.

By late afternoon she had insulted everyone she ever knew on Facebook.  Relatives, good friends.  Didn't matter.  By this time there is screaming.

A little later she decided it was time to take her pills and went after the bag.  She appeared suicidal.  Her sister took the pills away (fought to take them away) and she bit her sister on the arm and broke the skin.  She doesn't have teeth and didn't have her dentures in.

Her sister left the house and her brother-in-law came in.  She called the cops and said he was accosting her.  I, fortunately, by this time, was on 911 talking to the dispatcher.  So, he's ok as far as the police go.  Unfortunately, she was trying to get to the knives and kill him.  She had kicked him in the groin a few times and wrenched his shoulder.

He held her down until the cops/ambulance got here.  12 cops and she said something to them that they took her out in handcuffs and legcuffs and transported her in the squad car because she was too combative to go in the ambulance.

For the next few days while she was in the hospital I searched the internet, trying to find out what is going on.  To tell the truth, I don't remember how I found this site but I'm glad I did.  There is so much information here.

So, this morning I tried to tell her that I need boundaries.  I told her that she needs to start taking care of herself.  I've been doing everything for her.  The first thing she tried after she realized that I wasn't changing my mind nor softening the boundary she wanted me to cut and manicure her nails.  I didn't realize what I've gotten into the habit of doing everything and almost everything for her until I saw those ugly letters and heard her on the recording.  I still can't listen to more than 5 minutes of the three 1/2 hours I've recorded.  She handed me toilet paper once last week and asked me to wipe her butt.  I don't know if she's acting the baby part or the 5-year-old part or just being nasty.

Today she's told her sister that I am not family and I should be ignored.  Today she decided to name the shelves that her stuff is on in the pantry.  Her shelves of her stuff and the rest of the pantry.  Today she decided she's going to designate a square part of the living room (in the RV) as her personal space.  Today she told her sister and brother-in-law that she would prefer it if I didn't go with her to her psychiatrists meeting today.  I stayed home so she would have no excuse not to go.  And, I didn't want to go anyway although I would have.

I've been reading voraciously.  This site and Out of the Fog website have opened my eyes.  I completely read through:  The essential family guide to personality disorder recommended somewhere. 

I have been, today, because it's like a lifeline and it calms me down and doesn't often allow her a chance to create word circles, the following.  Sung to the tune of Row Row Row your boat.

Breathe, Breathe, Safety first, Acknowledge what you hear.

Don't defend, Delay instead, Distract, Defuse, or DEAR.

Dear = Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce

I realize that today is day one and I have to stay firm.  And I will.

Thank you for being there.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear RavenBird-

I'd like to welcome you to our family and I can empathize with both the pain and confusion you've been feeling, as well as the sense of relief you must now feel at finding some type of explanation.  My friend, 21+ years is a LONG time to be living in this fog and with this pain.  I am so sorry for the recent escalation and the sadness and chaos you're enduring.

I am REALLY glad to know you have your W's sister and brother-in-law living so close to you.  While many of our pwBPD (people with BPD) are able to "hide" their most horrid behaviors from everyone except those most close to them; your W has exposed hers to other family members and the police (not to mention Facebook people).  This is actually good for you that there are witnesses to her escalations.  This will hopefully make you feel less isolated.

Raven- what's really vital for you, is that you make sure that you do NOT allow yourself to become isolated in your marriage, no matter what types of threats she throws at you.

As you have already discovered, there are wonderful resources on this site to assist you in learning about Borderline Personality Disorder.  And although none of us can make a diagnosis, if your W is displaying traits, working with the tools will help you manage communication and establish boundaries.  You may initially find a LOT of pushback from your W when you establish boundaries.  Please "sing your song" and stay as firm as you can.  And if she wants to name pantry shelves, go ahead and name drawers!

I know it's difficult.  So difficult.  So sad to watch your beloved suffer like this... .but you are NOT the cause of her disorder.  That much you HAVE you remember every minute.  And you do not need to replay what you've recorded to remember things that have been screamed at you - I understand this from experience.  Save the recordings, but please try not to heighten your anxiety.

so if possible, and when you're comfortable, can you relate a bit more about when you began to see signs of her escalations?  A bit more about the relationship itself?  Everything here is confidential, and your posts can be as long as you need to say what you need to say.

Aside from the appointment with the psychiatrist, what other treatment is being lined up for her to manage her behavior?  What do you think she is "saying by establishing an area in the home as her "personal space"?  Have you asked her?

And please keep in mind, you need your "space", too, even if it's "brain" space.  So take yourself on a walk in your community to clear your head and just breathe... .  self-care is vital.  And I'm certain you're not used to doing that, am I correct?  Also, does she make threats to physically harm you?  You didn't mention that, but I want to be sure... .

I can tell you from personal experience, I too engaged in codependent behavior in "caring" for my recent exBPDbf.  He is a VERY capable man (we're both 60).  These are hard habits to break.  So looking at how we contribute to their dysfunction through establishing boundaries of what we will and will not do, or will and will not tolerate, is a great place to begin.  All of this can be done in a compassionate and loving manner.  I did not literally wipe his butt, but it got to the point where he would not form a coherent sentence without my assistance.  It's hard to explain... .but my brain and emotions were drained.  He would rope me into doing things for him, and then RAGE at me for those very things... .so destructive.

RavenBird- I am so glad you're here.  Please stay... .

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[pearlsw]

Hi RavenBird,

I was very touched by your post. Sorry to hear about what has been going on! This is quite a lot on your plate and not a lot of appreciation for you.

I just wanted to quickly say how much I liked your sweet song for yourself! It's funny, I sing silly songs to my partner a lot, but I don't have one for myself. Sometimes I sing myself a song I know in Spanish from my childhood that soothes me when he is being difficult, but now I want to make more for myself thanks to you sharing this idea!

I must run to work now, but I just wanted you to know we are thinking about you and sending you positive healing energy! More later... .

wishing you peace, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hi RavenBird,

My SO has threatened suicide a few times this year, but not made an attempt. But just this happening took a big toll on me, and I am still recovering from it.

I wanted to ask you how you feel about this having happened? Her making this attempt? Do you feel nervous, anxious, is is hard to leave her alone? What's going on inside you, dear?

with compassion, pearl.