Need help to keep going & not give out / give up

[Subie20]

My wife just went through 2 surgeries and I feel like a money faucet right now and can’t trust her enough to go over our financial info yet she keeps saying she and the kids have needs. I get that but we have to try to stay within budget cause right now we are waaaaayyyy off. Whenever I bring it up she points at me as the cause that if I eat out for lunch at work or breakfast that’s what is causing the debt spiraling. So I’m going to go back to packing lunch and eating breakfast from microwave each morning to lower that cost. But honestly that’s all I do that causes “ extra “ expense. I only like doing that since I can eat around people at places. Instead of an empty break room at work and I get to know the folks that work at and regulars at the eating places in my community and that connection feels great.  Sorry for so many posts tonight. Just kinda had it with feeling this way and sounding like a pitty party.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I just don’t know how to get going where I’m not depending on her or her perception of me as my validation point for my life to have meaning and worth. Is any of this making sense ?  How do I truly love someone that isn’t reaching out for a relationship while balancing home & job life with 4 kids who all have their needs and whom I love and not collapse under all the stress.

Wow, you hit the nail on the head with this one.  You know things are out of whack.  It's very insightful of you to identify this problem.  It's just not sustainable the way things are.

What are some things outside of your wife that do make you feel like your life has meaning and worth?

I only like doing that since I can eat around people at places. Instead of an empty break room at work and I get to know the folks that work at and regulars at the eating places in my community and that connection feels great.  Sorry for so many posts tonight. Just kinda had it with feeling this way and sounding like a pitty party.

I feel the same way!  Been there, done that.  Being able to get out of the office and go to one of my favorite lunch places is a nice respite.  A small "feel good" thing I'd do for myself when the rest of the day was about keeping my head above water at work or keeping the wheels on the bus at home.  You can do the math and see how much of an impact lunches out have on the budget compared to other spending.  This might be a place to practice validating yourself and looking out for your own needs.  Make a plan that you feel is responsible and balanced (perhaps eating out three days a week? Or two or five -- you decide what feels right for your spirit and your budget).  You might try using the S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) tool to introduce your plan to her.  You're not asking for permission, just respectfully letting her know what you're going to do.  Could that approach work? 

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Subie, everything Wentworth said.

Yesterday I was examining my life now compared to when I discovered my wife's BPD close to a year ago. My wife has made very few strides in improving her illness, but I have made massive strides in improving the quality of my life (emphasis on the word my ), which in turn has enhanced my ability to cope with her BPD.  These efforts include taking a class, reconnecting with family, buying a much softer mattress to improve my sleep quality, writing again, etc.

Your wife and marriage don't have the full proprietorship on your life. A large swath of that is still yours alone and you are free to do what you want with it (within financial reason of course, as WW mentioned).

But easier said than done, right? How do you visualize your wife responding to you doing something like the above, or a personal lunch? And how would you respond, bearing in mind that regardless of what she says you  are 100% right to do it?

~ROE 

[Subie20]

Hope everyone’s week was a good one !

Just had a good afternoon/ evening with my wife and the kids at a local science museum they all love that has outdoor playgrounds and butterfly house etc... I cherish stuff like this as I don’t know what tomorrow may bring.

Wentworth. Having time with my kids makes me feel great and worthwhile, but my wife is usually always there too. I don’t get much one on one time with the kids. I’ve been so focused on marriage and the kids i honestly haven’t done anything for myself like visiting my relatives or planning a day or weekend with my cousin who is the closest thing to a brother to me in this ole world. So I don’t know if doing things like this would make me feel more worthwhile and balanced, more like me. Or if I’d feel like I’ve neglected time I could have with my wife and kids given our marriage is in a dysfunctional crisis, I’d probably feel guilty. I’d like to start by just going to visit my uncle one Saturday afternoon and hang out with him for a bit. I know I have to pop out of this rut soon for my work or I’ll be having issues on that front too. I feel numb and tired all the time now. I know it’s like when a planes oxygen masks drop. Your supposed to take the mask for yourself and breath so you can then help others. In my role as husband and head of the house. It’s hard for me to realize if I don’t stop and breath I really can’t help my family. I just feel really guilty if I do anything for myself. Obviously what I’ve been doing isn’t working so I need to change but I’m lost on where to start / what to do. Plus I feel my wife catalogs any hiccup I have in my efforts and is waiting to use it at her convenience against me.

As an example. A few months ago we agreed that after I leave the house in the morning and am driving in to work she would call during that time to read a paragraph of an encouraging article we’d picked so that it would encourage us to talk everyday in the morning and get things off to a good start. This went like clockwork until about a month ago she would miss or something would come up then the kids got out of school so the morning schedule was not the same etc...  So instead of letting it die out I’d call and read even if it made me late for work. Then it became me doing this to keep it going. She’d thank me for doing so on occasion but in the back of my mind I’m thinking you agreed to be the one to reach out and do this each day , how is it now that I’m carrying this. Basically it to me is a measure of how seriously she takes what we agreed to and it’s contribution to us. So some days I would not call in the morning I’d wait till lunch to see if she even called ( cared ) and she didn’t. Yet if I talk to her about it she’d blame me saying I’m the head of the house and she’s waiting to see if I will take the lead and make sure it happens each day. She would flip it on me, even though we talked it all out ahead and agreed on it. I know when the kids are out of school her schedule is not the same but to go a whole day without calling me for something that takes maybe 2 minutes and keeps us talking, especially under the circumstances.

I need help in figuring out how to talk to her. If she calls during the day it’s not to just check on me & say hey. She does ask how I am but then it’s. A slight silence which now I know is the signal she’s now going to go into why she really called me. Then it’s 90% of the time something involving money needing to be spent or something needed. It’s never a call to simply really to check on me.   WW & ROE - I don’t know how to approach her and talk where something actually gets accomplished to help our relationship no matter what method of delivery I try or how I try to structure it in approaching her. The conversation starts ok then digresses into the past and I’ll end up listening to her talk for such a long time then when I do get to reply or speak again I’m made to feel small and broken and me being 100% at fault for where we are.  So Im loosing my gumption on trying to talk to her which she will peg as I’m not fulfilling my role and not really wanting this to work / not wanting the relationship. When really I’m simply just tired of spinning wheels getting nowhere and being made to feel worse in the process.

[Harley Quinn]

Just had a good afternoon/ evening with my wife and the kids at a local science museum they all love that has outdoor playgrounds and butterfly house etc... I cherish stuff like this as I don’t know what tomorrow may bring.

... .Having time with my kids makes me feel great and worthwhile, but my wife is usually always there too. I don’t get much one on one time with the kids.

Hi Subie,

It's wonderful to hear that you had some family time that was enjoyable for all of you.  Those times really are special.

I just wanted to pick up on one part of your post above.  If you get a lot out of being with the kids, how about planning a day or even an afternoon of dad time with them?  What does your wife enjoy?  Could you wrap it up as an opportunity for her to also benefit by getting some time without the rest of you around?  If she is tired, she can rest.  Perhaps she would relish the chance to catch up with some friends, or to go pamper herself?  Especially during school holidays, child rearing is full on.  Just a suggestion on one way to have guilt free positive time for yourself, whilst still being there for all of your family.

Love and light x

[Subie20]

@Harley Quinn. That is a great idea as it balances so many parts of the equation. The only thing is my wife would reject it if I approach her with something like that using her fear of me possibly being inappropriate, which I never have been nor would I ever be , with my children in her absence. As she In the past accused me of being “ unintentionally inappropriate”. Even though in the past few months she has for very short periods of time and a few long periods of time left me at home with the kids while she was out. I cannot figure out how all of this reconciles in her mind that it’s ok to leave and let me watch the kids one day but not another. As I agree with you Harley Quinn that it would give her a break and me some Dad time and be an all around win win for everyone but against all of the logic and sense it makes she rejects it.

[Radcliff]

I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt about doing something for yourself.  I absolutely did not follow the "oxygen mask" philosophy, and paid for it.  You will be a better father and husband if you can learn to do this.  Even if you don't get encouragement from your wife, it will help her in the long run (ironically, if you were to get better at taking care of yourself, this would be some of the leadership she is asking for, thought I don't suggest you point it out to her  )

You said you weren't sure where to start, but you suggested two places -- A visit to your uncle, and time with your cousin.  When is the next Saturday that makes sense to visit your uncle?

One thing that I think would help you here is working to release yourself of expectations of her behavior.  I find that some of my worst feelings come when someone doesn't do something that I feel passionately they should do.  I'm not saying you can't hope for things, but expecting is another story.

Reading to each other is a fantastic thing!  I totally see your disappointment that it got knocked off track, but the fact that she was willing to do it in the first place is, frankly, very impressive!  It's still summer.  And it does make sense that her schedule might be different.  Even if she simply wants a break from getting up early to make school lunches.  Have you thought about talking with her about it, validating the heck out of the fact that she did it in the first place, and asking her if she has any ideas about adapting it for the summer schedule?  Maybe she could read at bedtime -- but better to see if she has suggestions.  Make sure she feels heard.  If you are driving for a particular outcome, she is going to feel controlled.

Regarding the work calls.  It sounds like what you're hoping for are short, encouraging calls from her.  But instead, the calls go a little longish, and degenerate into negative territory.  :)oes that about sum it up?  Releasing expectations here may be helpful, too.  If she is talking to you about family logistics like things that money needs to be spent on, do you think it might help her to feel supported by you?  When I'm at work, the main thing on my mind is having a good work day.  If I need a pick-me-up, I eat lunch out   If my wife calls, my main focus is on meeting her needs, and I hope to keep the call to a reasonable length so I'm a good worker, without her feeling like I'm rushing her off the phone.  Could you try an experiment for a week or two, and anytime she calls, just take satisfaction in meeting her needs, within reasonable bounds, and call it a "win" if she stays positive or at least neutral, and you're able to keep the call length appropriate?

Looking at everything above, I think the take-home points are:

1.  :)oing more to take care of yourself and meet your needs
2.  Releasing some of your expectations of her behavior
3.  Meeting her needs sometimes without expecting something in return

Your needs must be met.  Her needs must be met.  By directing a little less energy towards expectations of her meeting your needs, and more towards meeting your own, you'll be happier, and there will be less pressure on her, which may actually make it more likely she'll feel able to meet your needs.

Perhaps go visit your uncle, and use all your good energy from that to win an Academy Award the next week for Best Supporting Husband on the phone from work? (within the limits of keeping your boss happy  )

WW

[k54]

Wow it sounds like you are in a really tough situation. I am also in a situation where so much of my self worth is determined by how my wife decided to treat me that day. It sucks. The other day I was in the phone with a friend after my wife wanted to talk to me about mediation, and my friend, who has lymphoma by the way, said to me as I was distraught, "she really has your number, she knows how to get to you and bring all the attention back to her." Yesterday my wife was hungover and I spent all day catering to her. Then today we went to the beach with our kids. I packed everything up, made the kids breakfast. She went to work out. After the beach, I made dinner while she took a shower and got ready to go out dancing. After dinner I cleaned up the dishes, she left, then I took the kids on a bike ride to the ice cream shop.

I decided a while back to just live my best life possible and support her through whatever she was going through - I thought it was some type of midlife crisis. Now I am wondering if it is BPD. It seems unreal some times. What happened to the loving, fun sweet woman I married? People keep telling me I need to grieve and get on with my life, but the hard part is my kids. I love them so much and don't want to be away from them.

When she is cold to me like she was today I feel like nothing. I wonder what my kids think of how she treats me. There was a stretch back in the winter after I asked her to try to be more engaged that things actually seemed ok. It lasted for about a month. Then we went to counseling one day and she said she didn't want to work on it anymore. Sometimes I can feel her getting more connected to me, then she usually pushes away.

Today, as she left to go dancing without her wedding ring on, it was probably the first day I actually have thought about what it would be like if she moved out. I'd maybe like to find someone who appreciates me. But I know my kids need me. And I don't want them to have to spend their lives going back and forth between the two of us. Even as I write this it makes me cry thinking about saying goodbye to them every week. I am new to this board and this is all pretty new to me too.

[Subie20]

@k54 I wanted to thank you for posting here. All of this is new to me too, being this open with folks I really do not know about very personal things.  I want to respond to you in more depth but need some time to process it as again this is all new to me and I'm not the best with things like this for sure.  I will say for now like one commentator said to you in your thread to be the best Dad you can be for those fellas you have & love so dearly.   that will mean so much to you and them and be a great source of joy and stability in your and their lives. Focus on the things you can control and work on, its harder to do in every day real world for sure as I have expectations of my wife and family relationship. Wentworth told me that I may have to adjust from having expectaions  to keeping a hope.  That is helping a bit.  Sounds like you are taking lots of steps and actions which is great, those things you can control, things you can do for yourself and for the boys.  I will circle back to you, it may take some time as again I am new at all this and in circumstances that are mind numbing at times as well.  My psych recommended keeping a Gratitude Journal each day, and there are lots of smart phone apps to help you with this. Where you each night / end of day simply write 3 things , specific things you are grateful for that happened that day. You can't repeat the same entries on the next day you need to think of 3 new things from that new day, the apps let you include pictures of something from that day as well.  Then you can always go back and review them when you need a boost.  Each day we although going through tough times do have good things that happen, even if its waking up and breathing and being alive with the chance to try again that day, we have much we can be grateful for and it helps you.  Its helping me and I'm a mess LOL. Please take care of yourself so you can be the best Dad and love those boys and be there for them come what may.

To all : I hope you are having a good day today and hope to update you all later on about my meeting with my new psych yesterday - I think it was good and may help me to break through the plateau I've been on.

Take care 

[Radcliff]

Subie20, it's been a few days.  How are you doing?

WW

[k54]

How do I stay positive and be there for her and my children when I feel like dirt.  Im having trouble now getting up in the morning as all of this is really wearing me out, I think the constant stress and strain of all of this over so long a time with no positive end in sight is sending me into depression. Thats the only thing I can think of that is making me this tired and worn out. I never realized how much emotional matters can effect you physically to such a degree. 

I have developed a lower back issue since my wife and I have been in crisis mode. I started on anti-depressants this fall and that has been very helpful once the dosage got right. I find it has really helped me sleep better because my mind isn't racing as much when I lie down. The emotional pain passes more quickly. She syill can hurt me, but I get over it a little quicky. Also before I hurt my back I was exercising pretty regularly. I have a couple of go to friends - one a social worker, another a fellow teacher who is very empathetic. Both of them quickly on identified that my wife was dealing with a mental illness.I didn't want to believe them, hoping that if I took responsibility and changed myself things would changed. It almost feels like my wife resents all the work I out into changing, she seems to almost project more stuff onto me now.

The main thing I do is take pleasure in my children. I am so fortunate to have them and they are so much fun. When she goes out at night - she is out right now, I feel sad at first but then I forget about her and love being with them. They are beautiful people. My counselor has encouraged me to "be a rock" for there sake, which I have managed to be. I almost look at myself as a single parent, with three kids instead of two: my wife is more like a rebellious teenager.

I read the "stop care taking... ." book and have begun to immerse myself in it. I know I cant live like this forever, it has helped me to realize that.  But for now, my kids need me to hold things down. I'm fortunate to have some great supports, but I have also had to be smart enough to decide to use them.

I have recognized that I need others and that has pretty cool for me, because in the past I have always tried to gut things out.

The lack of intimacy is hard though. Hang in there. I'm sure you have people that love you and can help.

[Subie20]

@Wentworth : Well i thought I was doing a bit better.  But I have had a downturn.  My new psych is good and i know it will take a few sessions to get up and running. I began a gratitude journal the same day of my first visit with my new psych per her recommendation which I like doing. I am taking my vitamins again along with some magnesium to help relax my muscles from being tense 24/7 and fish oil to help ( didn't realize it helps brain functionality but I can tell its helping me) I had been off just vitamins and supplements for a while now and can tell the difference being back on them is making. She recommended a daily walk in the morning to encourage me to get out of bed and help my health and I know exercise would help me but I'm doing good to get up right now and am working on things the best I can. I am keeping my current psych as well but only get to see them once a month or so for medicine refills / adjustments and checking in on me. So I'm excited about the new psych since get to see them once a week. I can only afford 2 months of sessions with the new psych for now so I'm trying to make the most out of the time I have. I feel this is going to help me.

The day after my first session with the new psych I felt great. Lots of energy , felt like my self  ( haven't felt that in a long time ) , like I knew who I was, why I was here and that I'm going to make it out of this come what may.  That I am going to do the good and right thing regardless of my wife's thoughts of it , that she is not my validation point. That I'm going to be a great Dad and despite her I feel not caring about me I am going to be the best husband I can be. That I want to live the golden rule... do unto others as you'd have done to you... .treat my wife and kids the way I would want to be treated. That if I want results then I need to be the best I can be and do all that I can do and can control so that I could look back when I'm old and weathered knowing I did my best and was there for my wife and children weather she cared for me or not. That I'll take this one step at a time and seeing myself like Rocky in the first Rocky movie when he runs up all the stairs to the " getting stronger " famous theme music.  

Then the next day I felt a little lower key, then by the weekend I was a mess.  I woke up Saturday morning and before I got in the shower I was feeling so much anxiety in addition to my normal med for every day of citalopram I had to take one alprazolam. The alprazolam makes me sleepy and very slow, buts its all I have to combat when I feel like that, as the alternative is to allow the anxiety to push through which is worse. Same thing happened Sunday after I got up and going I had to take another alprazolam around 2:30 pm before we left the house for services. I've been trying to figure out what triggered 2 days of the anxiety hitting me like that as i haven't had it do that in a while.  I was anxious about day to day stuff like bills and money, small stuff like thinking am I the only person in the house that knows how to take the garbage in its bag tied up to the garbage bin , also seems like I'm the only one who does dishes , mops,  etc...

I know we have 4 kids and I know that takes a lot of attention every day so I'm not trying to be a jerk on the day to day chores and I'm coming to the realization after soo many years I'm just going to have to set a schedule and do all chores with the thought in my mind that this frees her completely to devote all attention to the kids, but it still irks me that she will for days just put stuff in the sink and let it pile when the dishwasher is literally right there.  - sorry to vent on chores but it gets me sometimes. Also I think feeling disappointed and upset that Im trying all of this , I can't really talk this out with my wife because I feel she will tear it down, that it exposes me to her and will be perceived as a waste of family resources/ weakness / that I really do not have a clue how to be a husband / Dad etc... .My wife once told me ( its been a while since she said this so ill have to paraphrase since i can't remember exactly )  that I cannot talk my way out of this, that until I take responsibility , true responsibility for my actions and all that I have done. That I won't be able to heal and will be living a lie.  

I still to this day do not know what more responsibility  she would like me to take. Plus I've been thinking is this what I am to do with the rest of my life. Wake up , get myself pumped up for the day only to be reminded by the time I get down stairs from " my room " that in all honesty I am not living as a married person with a loving supportive wife, but that even though we are in the same home we are separated, married in name only. That my wife will not go to couples therapy or talk with anyone that we have in the past about this at where we go for services, so she is basically declining any outside help that I feel we really need as we haven't been able to get things in a good place for 16+ of our 17 years of marriage. That with life being the challenge it is I'd love to know and feel at least the security of a loving marriage , that home life is a respite to be able to have and go home to each day.

I feel she may think the same way from her point of view. That she probably has her own thoughts on each day and what her life is etc... but she seems to just go on like all is what it is and can carry on like she's perfectly fine and always will be. I don't want to dredge the past up but I'd like some sort of communication and talking about us and where we are and where we are heading. If I mention us talking she will say she's waiting on me to take the lead in that. I get the husband is to be the head of the household ( meaning caring for his family watching out for them leading the family through each day with their best interest in mind & heart , foregoing hisself for family , someone the family can look to always for help and security against the windstorm of this world ).

I feel sometimes when I approach her on things  that involve accountability asking her about her participation her 100% of her half of the relationship that she throws it back at me that she's waiting on me to take action to be the leader the cheerleader as the head of the family. But I have to be honest most of the time i don't know exactly what to do or say, and that I do feel substandard as a husband and Dad. I fell like 40 + years have flown by in the blink of any eye of my life and Im none the wiser on being a good husband / Dad. Wishing I could be like my Dad or Grandfather or good friends of mine's Dad's and Grandpas who always seemed to know what to do and say. That I'm flying by the seat of my pants and building the plane while I'm flying it. Then when that feeling / realization hits me that i don't know what to say / do so therefore I'm substandard I retreat from conversation/ retreat emotionally/ just plain retreat.  

This is not good and I know it. Then my wife will use my retreat against me to say she always has to be the cheerleader , team player etc... she can't break down or have someone to go to. Its a rough cycle. Most people I know respect me and think highly of me and value my opinion except my wife and I'm beginning to think my children do not respect me or value my opinion , and I want to in a healthy way change that ( any help here on this is appreciated )

 My wife for a while I feel scapegoated on her Dad and how he was treating my mother in law for 40+ years of marriage ( although they never separated, they had at one time told us all at a family meeting they were going to not many years into my wife and I's marriage - which I could not believe they were going to separate and they never did but their marriage I found out was a rough one more rough than even my wife knows of ) Even though she would be on him and talk to me about him she would still take his advice over mine on household repairs , timing of purchases etc... looking back I wish I would have had the courage to speak up very early on and stress to my wife we need to be our own family and rely on each other , that her dad and mom's input was nice & valued , but not the gospel that we would live by.

Within the past 2 years or so my in-laws started to really get along, my father-in-law says he turned around and they seem to be doing good now. So I wonder if with that " scapegoat" gone did my wife flip over to me as a scapegoat / or someone to project on etc... because that aligns timing wise with when our relationship started to digress rapidly.  My mom never got involved in my marriage even when she had strong feelings she would not step in. My mom passed in July of 2014 and never got to see my 2 youngest children ( my wife recently tried to go down the road that she knows me better than my own mother  and has spent more time with me than my mother in an effort to try to get me to " realize I need help and something is more wrong with me than I know of... that I'm messed up and can't see it... that I don't have any real friends on this planet ( which when she said the part about on this planet I wanted to say in retort that all my friends must be aliens then, but i never said that no point in doing so  - the old adage that where there is no wood the fire goes out is one of my go toos now ) " even though I'm healthy per my last physical and have been under a psych's care since late 2015, and get along with most everybody I know  - i thought this was poor taste to say the least to reference my deceased mom and told her that while she may think that, that it's not the truth)  and  My Dad passed in July 1996.  

So i don't have a mom or dad to bounce anything past, and boy do I miss them.   My new psych and I have really only had the one meeting last week, but I mentioned in talking with her that my wife had asked one day how I was doing, so my new psych said well she doesn't sound like she is totally ignoring me or my needs etc... I told my new psych my current psych feels my wife has BPD tendencies ( tendencies as there is no formal diagnosis ). Clarified too that my wife sees me each day, refuses to go to counseling with me , doesn't exhibit any modicum of desire to really work towards healing. So for my wife to ask " whats wrong " to me is more either facetious  or she's trying to act like the past never happened and move on. I told my new psych that there is no intimacy hasnt been for 2 + years. That I don't trust my wife and I am afraid to even touch her ( like a pat on the shoulder to her or any touch )  for fear of rejection and the I do not want intimacy and I know she doesn't. My main focus right now is trying to establish solid meaning fully communication and trust, that those are the building blocks this needs to go forward with. But my psych asked me again about possibly massaging my wife feet , asking her permission to do so to show her i want to do something completely for my wife's benefit with no gain for myself in it.  I kinda get the angle the psych was taking on that but I don't want to go there right now. I know that sounds odd but i am very hurt over everything and how things continue to progress, and I don't think my wife wants anything to do with even holding my hand.

My wife said something odd the other day and I'm not sure how to take it. She said If i treat her like my wife she will be my wife, but if I treat her like my sister ( which I'm an only child ) then she will be my sister.  That to me seems again like her putting it all on me. Then again I wonder if were both waiting on each other , if that's the case we'll never get anywhere. But I feel I have and keep doing things that show i want to make this work , really work  and offering to go to counseling. ( any recommendations here are welcome I'm kinda out of ideas as I thought for sure she would agree to go to this new psych with me for couples therapy since she sought out this psych years ago for some testing for our oldest daughter so my wife had researched her etc... )

I am reserved but after all thats happened that should be understandable that Im just not going to wake up tomorrow and act like nothing has ever happened and be naive. Then too I wonder am I in the way of progress in the relationship because I am reserved.

I lost a whole day of work today and most of last week and am getting further behind because my personal life is consuming me and my thoughts and energy, ability to prioritize and get my self in gear.

I hope since this week is my monthly with my old psych and 2nd session with me new one that something can come about to help me get out of this rut.

Hope you all have a good rest of your day / evening and great week ahead  - i know I'm trying to  ;p)

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.  It's a lot to be coping with depression, raising four kids, and a BPDw.

You should have at least five different kinds of support.  Let's count your psych's as one, since you don't see one very often and the other is only for a limited time.  bpdfamily is one.  Do you have others?  It could be close friends you do fun things with, even if you're not talking about deep relationship details.  Group support would be very helpful.  Any chance that you have any alcoholics in your background and could go to Al-anon meetings?  Are you aware of NAMI support group meetings?  The idea is to get you in a room full of supportive, like-minded people on a regular basis so you don't feel so alone.

Take a look at this page, Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?.  What stage do you think your marriage is in?

WW

[Subie20]

@Wentworth. I have a few family members and others that I can talk too. I need to let them know I’d like to talk not about my problems but just normal stuff cause I think I’m wearing them out on problems. No I don’t have any alcoholics in the family and I don’t know what NAMI is. id my marriage relationship is an amalgam of stage 3 & 4 in the reference material you mentioned.  My best route I think is restablishing  relationships with my family and friends since I’ve been off their grid since about year 2 of my marriage.

To all :  Here is where I’m at and need help with please:

I'm scared of some things
1) my new psychiatrist who doesn’t know all my detailed happenings and have had only 2 meetings with is  encouraging me to ask My wife on a date and I'm very hesitant as nothing is really resolved and I feel like a date just says I'm ok with shoving it all under a rug and going on. i get that eventually spending time with my wife like that is a goal and that if I never try something I’ll never get anywhere I’m just afraid of being hurt more and asking her out feels very exposing. I’d just like to see and feel little things daily that show our relationship is growing & respect and trust are being established and maintained and then have a date or other bigger things come into the picture vs. trying to take a big step too fast for me. I want to do this correctly and on a solid foundation.

 2) her parents want to take her & I out just us and them in mid September for an evening " with no agenda ". Last time it was just us there were agendas for sure. Plus I’m not welcome at my in laws house or in their property even when my kids are there I do not and am not welcome to go inside their house. I’m not sure why my in laws are suddenly starting to do these things , giving me a used riding lawnmower, then offering a night out “ with no agenda” they said. My gut is telling me there is more happening here than I’m aware of. I’d feel very uncomfortable in that circumstance and like it’s 3 vs. 1 and I’d have no way to leave on my own if for some reason things weren’t right.

Please let me know your thoughts on the above. I am not trying to put a stumbling block in the way of what could be positive steps in relationships but something is telling me neither of the above are right to do at this time.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Subie, I'd like to focus on your family questions, both hers and yours.

For your family, how was the relationship with them before your marriage? Are there any family members you think you can particularly confide deep things in? Since I've brought my family and one friend in on the situation I've found they can support me in different ways. My aunt is great for listening and compassion when I'm having a hard time. My dad is not so good at above but has offered financial support if I need to go to court or for anything else. My best friend is a mental health professional and great at helping me discuss strategies. Each member of your family may be a different resources.

With regards to her family, I would say follow your gut and avoid if possible. It is weird for them to suddenly be nice to you like that and invite you out. What do you think is on their agenda?

Sending you strength,
ROE

[Subie20]

To all:  I’ve been getting emails from a local bank since mid this month that my wife and I use to bank at over 15 years ago. I thought at first they were spam. Got another one today with some very specific information on it. So I called to make sure nobody’s running with my identity and found out what I believe is that my wife opened an account mid month there. She’s not working so not sure how she’d find the account. I don’t care if she banks wherever. Just hate finding out this way. Just makes me feel a tear in trust again

[Radcliff]

Regarding the date -- I believe we are either working on the relationship or are on our way out of it.  So avoiding chances to make a connection doesn't seem good.  But getting hurt isn't good either.  "ate" implies high expectations.  Can you take some inspiration from the psychiatrist's suggestion and try some lower-stakes activities with her, perhaps a fun daytime activity that doesn't have the romantic expectations of an evening out

Regarding her family -- It sounds like your instincts are telling you to be concerned.  Can you tell us more about her parents?  Are they the ones that won't let you in their house?  Can you explain how that came about?

WW