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Author Topic: Help me think through - man friend but no attraction  (Read 239 times)
spacecadet
formerly Wisedup22
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 136



« on: July 06, 2018, 10:47:34 AM »

Why is it I have absolutely no attraction to this very nice, funny man I'm getting to know?

Okay that's my question, I know there may be no answer but insights and questions to ask myself are appreciated.

He's a creative professional, very alpha which I like - confident, smart, very funny... .we laugh all the time, and he has a big heart. I can be myself with him like with very few other people, and my sense is that he is himself. I've met his sister already, he's very close with his sibs.

I feel absolutely NO attraction. He's sweet on me, always there when I need something. Part of it may be physical, he's shorter than me and around 10-12 years older. I'm most attracted to men around my age, give or take around 5 years.

At times I feel bad for the way he sees this but there's nothing I can do about it. Some men seem so much like a long lost brother to me, and the thought of being romantic is actually an EW! Not because they're not attractive or handsome, no not at all... .it's just that, well imagine being intimate with your brother or sister. It's a big yikes, right?

So is anything to be done? Anyone feel like this and find attraction grows in time?

I know we women are cursed with being picky... .any guys feel like this about women sometimes?

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I_Am_The_Fire
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2018, 10:55:30 AM »

I wouldn't consider it being picky. Sometimes you just don't feel a romantic connection with someone for whatever reason and that is okay. I also think it is possible for that to change given time.
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"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style" ~ Maya Angelou
Insom
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2018, 12:44:52 PM »

Excerpt
... .we laugh all the time, and he has a big heart. I can be myself with him like with very few other people, and my sense is that he is himself. I've met his sister already, he's very close with his sibs.
I feel absolutely NO attraction.

Aw!  What a great sounding guy.  I'm with I_Am_The_Fire, though.  Sometimes you just don't feel it and that's totally OK.  Lack of physical attraction is a gut-level reaction.  Consider the info you're getting seriously.  Great guy.  Just not for you.

Excerpt
Anyone feel like this and find attraction grows in time?

While others may answer differently (people in arranged marriages, for example), the answer for me has been an unequivocal NO.  I think good chemistry is big part of the reason why my long-term relationship has worked.  It's helped bond us.

Are you considering overriding your gut-level lack of attraction because this guy has so many positive qualities?
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spacecadet
formerly Wisedup22
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 136



« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2018, 07:39:43 AM »

Thank you both for weighing in. To answer, no I don't feel inclined to ignore my gut. The good thing is, I've been transparent about how I feel. I think he wants to leave the door open for me but he's actively pursuing others so I don't feel guilty. I told him frankly that I don't think I can ever be attracted to a man who isn't wounded somehow. Comes from my father who was great, high functioning, big heart etc. but a depression era kid whose mother was kind of a religious zealot.

This friend is a widow, had a great marriage, both strong individuals and they accepted one another fully. He's dated a lot in the 10 years or so since losing his wife, and he tells me he meets a lot of women that are drawn to wounded men, which he's not. So he gets me.

Once or twice when we first hung out he went to kiss me and it felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. There's nothing wanting in him, it's a visceral reaction and I can't change this about me. Who I'm attracted to, or not, is hard-wired into my soul.

I am drawn to men who can take care of me in some ways, especially who are grounded and can navigate the world better than me... .but also who need my warmth and caretaking. I'm more artistic and can be too much of a dreamer. Although I've done okay in the corporate world, it's not my natural habitat. I can spend long days creating and it feels like no effort, while being in meetings constantly -- with everyone trying to persuade / manipulate one another and jockey for power -- makes me want to go jump in the lake. I like people but dislike transactional relationships.

At the same time, I'm a natural emotional caretaker. So I'm looking for my complement, someone with more mastery of the world who needs nurturing. I thought the ex fit me but he apparently didn't think I fit him.

I'm going to attend more social events. I think the online dating has played itself out for me. Too many people who say they want r/s but really don't. It does help to think through what we want in someone else. To give that grocery list, cliche "smart, kind" bla bla bla... .it's more complex than that. I'm looking for someone whose dysfunction fits mine like a jigsaw puzzle piece.  

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