Pt.3 that empty feeling in my stomach

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Thanks for the response Panda,

I've made an appointment to see my psychologist early week who has been alone for the ride and does know or atleast understand the back story. I've now got shared care of both children again though I had to agree to lying for her to get the welfare money she wants (which is all she wanted). Over all my life feels like it's jammed on auto pilot right now damned if I do and damned if I don't. Can "win" in any aspect of my life. Anxiety is pretty low however my stress is high and my motivation is flat. Unless anxiety is just manifesting in the form of stress. I feel like ___ and I look like ___ as a result of it. Self esteem is in the bin. Physical pain is also causing me almost unbearable discomfort and I can't seem to take the first step in fixing it (I've had several remedial massages and have been stretching as regularly as I can remember and have the energy and time to but I'm seeing no results from it.

Having the thought of either renting or buying my own space and moving out on one hand seems positive in terms of my mental health and keeping myself busy in maintaining it etc however negative on the other hand in having no help with the kids, losing my nest egg and or any potential further savings while living at home that may need to be used for legal proceedings if required and being alone.

[sladezy]

Thanks for the response Panda,

I've made an appointment to see my psychologist early week who has been alone for the ride and does know or atleast understand the back story. I've now got shared care of both children again though I had to agree to lying for her to get the welfare money she wants (which is all she wanted). Over all my life feels like it's jammed on auto pilot right now damned if I do and damned if I don't. Can "win" in any aspect of my life. Anxiety is pretty low however my stress is high and my motivation is flat. Unless anxiety is just manifesting in the form of stress. I feel like ___ and I look like ___ as a result of it. Self esteem is in the bin. Physical pain is also causing me almost unbearable discomfort and I can't seem to take the first step in fixing it (I've had several remedial massages and have been stretching as regularly as I can remember and have the energy and time to but I'm seeing no results from it.

Having the thought of either renting or buying my own space and moving out on one hand seems positive in terms of my mental health and keeping myself busy in maintaining it etc however negative on the other hand in having no help with the kids, losing my nest egg and or any potential further savings while living at home that may need to be used for legal proceedings if required and being alone.

[Enabler]

Hey Sladezy,

Welcome to the wonder board where magical wonderful things happen. The conflicted board isn't all hugs and validation but we're excellent at straightening out heads, generating space for yourself to breath and most importantly helping you chew through the gravitas of your current reality.

At the moment, my guess is you feel a number of different sensations (and yes, some of these I'm just extracting from your writing but I'm writing mainly about my own personal experience a year ago):

- you feel like there is a big foot on your head, you feel weighed down by a HUGE rucksack of fear, responsibility, uncertainty and depression. Most of the 'stuff' you feel is out of your control but it's weighing you down and you feel trapped. You have felt this before and suffer with taking on other peoples baggage to prop everything up.

- You feel alone as though no one understands your BPD relationship, your closest family think you are trying to convince them that unicorns exist. You desperately want your fathers validation and support but he's not giving it to you as he 'doesn't get mental illness' and wants you to 'man up'.

- there are things you know are not right, you can't 100% put your finger on all the facts so your reality is very fuzzy... .about the past, current and definitely the future.

- you await your partners next vicious move as you know it's going to be as painful if not more than her previous knife twist. You want to understand her thinking to get ahead of the game so you can prepare yourself for the next twist. Each direction seems fraught with danger.

- you feel an enormous amount of resentment about the financial destruction she could cause and you fear poking the hornets nest because you believe this will cause her to increase her vicious attacks on you. 


Let me start by relaying something I discussed with my T last night. He pointed out that now that I have control over my own emotions, my W's emotional volatility is more visible, not only to me, but her and other people. I'm still exasperated about why other people don't see this unicorn but it's slowly becoming clearer and clearer to more and more people. You are at the very beginning of your journey, you need to gain a sense of patience... .which brings me on to my next point.

Radical acceptance... .the sooner you do this, the sooner you can and will gain emotional comfort. I like to think of my current situation as a decision tree... .each outcome or decision by others moves you down a branch in a certain way, you have little control over these moves but each move reduces the likelihood of one set of outcomes and increases the probability of another. At the moment there is a huge range of outcomes in your outlook. Now, decide what outcomes you cannot tolerate and focus ALL of your energy on avoiding those outcomes. The only outcome I couldn't tolerate was one where my W blamed me for the divorce and sought to alienate my 3 girls against me and one where she sought to fight a protracted court based divorce rinsing me for every penny now and going forward. SO... .now my efforts are purely based on avoiding that. I cannot change how she feels so I have opted to avoid having my finger prints on anything legal... .I don't ask, I don't push, I don't esquire... .I know because I keep my eyes open, but I say nothing. I'm building the best possible relationship I can with my kids, I spend as much of my free time with them as possible and I put forward the best possible father figure I can, one I hope they will remember in the possible months/years to come despite what W may or may not do... .all other outcomes on the decision tree are somewhat tolerable.  Financial security... .gone. Forever house... .gone. 20yr relationship... .gone. I had to grieve for it's death, but I wrote myself a low point and started looking up. I am not in control of how that up looks, but I started getting excited about it. All other outcomes other than that tiny slither on the decision tree look good to me now.

Your life has changed forever now. You have mentally shone a light on the troubles in your relationship and the likely reasons for them, you cannot undo that. All directions now look challenging, why... .because they are... .but that's your reality. I say a little saying to myself when I feel anxious "I will not die, I will survive, I will wake tomorrow to feel the sun on my face, I have a unique set of skills which will allow me to thrive regardless of what life throws at me."

Now, that rucksack of burdens... .do an inventory of the things in your worry bag. Some are yours, some are hers, some are your families. Turf out any unnecessary baggage, hopes, dreams etc etc. you don't need this now, you can pick them up later. Just bare bones. You will feel lighter on your feet and more nimble to roll with stuff. I don't believe it's possible to drag your life blueprint through this kind of life trauma, when you're on the other side you can reformulate what that is.

How you left? You've got no dreams or aspirations, you're at your life's low, you're focusing all your energy on avoiding the worst case scenario by focusing on your kids AND YOU. A quote from Curious Case of Benjamin Button - You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. You'll be surprised at the positive effects it not only has on you physically and mentally... .but on how your disorder becomes less visible and hers becomes MORE visible.

Hope that it helpful as a starting point.

Enabler

[Panda39]

Hi sladezy,

Glad to hear you're seeing the psychologist... .I'm hearing some depression... .lack of motivation can be a symptom (I've been there too  :hug.  Good that the anxiety is down.  Maybe see if you can get some tools for stress reduction from your psychologist.  In terms of the physical pain have you seen your physician about that?

I can say for me a good long walk helps with sttress... .gets you out in the sunlight, is good for your health, using that energy can lessen the stress/tension, can give you a quiet place to think, gets those endorphins going so your mood improves.  I also know that getting that walk started when you are feeling depressed and not motivated can be hard... .it can feel overwhelming. But I'd like to encourage you to give it a try.

Having the thought of either renting or buying my own space and moving out on one hand seems positive in terms of my mental health and keeping myself busy in maintaining it etc however negative on the other hand in having no help with the kids, losing my nest egg and or any potential further savings while living at home that may need to be used for legal proceedings if required and being alone.

I would just sit with this for awhile, the answer might not be clear yet but something might change that nudges you one direction or the other, also maybe the choice is to stay for now and move later, maybe make this a goal... .you could set a financial goal in terms of savings once you meet it then go for example.  In the short term maybe you get yourself a hotel room for a night... .get away from it all (out from under your dad's feet for a little while). 

I've now got shared care of both children again though I had to agree to lying for her to get the welfare m1oney she wants (which is all she wanted).

I'm glad you are seeing the kids again (I bet they are glad to see you too!)  Lying for her is concerning though, I know this is not who you are.  You see the blackmail here right?  By going along with this she also now has more to blackmail you with.  Could there have been another way to handle this? If I remember right you don't have a legal custody agreement at this point correct?  I would encourage you to pursue this, because until you do, you won't have legal recourse and your kid's mom will be able to pull this kind of thing again.  If she does and you comply you will be getting sucked in deeper and deeper, and I know you don't want to go there.

What are your thoughts on getting a legal custody agreement at this point?

Hang in there,
Panda39

[sladezy]

Enabler thanks for the long response. It's given me alot to think about. The one thing I truely want to avoid is not being able to raise my kids in a family environment. It's goes against everything moral grain of fibre in my soul. I honestly don't want that for them. I am not blind to the issues and amount of work that is required for that to be possible however I would do ANYTHING that was required for that to happen.

[Enabler]

Hey Sladezy... .you and me are in the same boat, however, you have to accept that it requires 2 people to want to be in a relationship. By their very nature, relationships are risky, at any point one can unilaterally check out for whatever reason they might choose. You can only make yourself the best possible person and the most healthy parent possible. You being the healthy adult in the relationship have a responsibility to remain healthy such that you can SHOW your kids what healthy looks like, they will see that and gravitate to it. Detach yourself from the emotional rollercoaster and focus on being a stable, emotionally health, solid parent.

Enabler

[sladezy]

Enabler,

I did get myself into the position you are describing once and I was even able to enforce boundries which made me feel more in control.  However she managed to chip away at them one by one and say she wanted to get back together which I only commited to because of wanting my family together. Once that ball was rolling the refusal and excuses to remove my boundries one by one. This has thrown me back in the deep end and lead me here I guess and made me more n more aware of what / who I'm dealing with. I'm not an expert with boundries by any means by I felt like they srarted to come together pretty well when I got the hang of them. All I have done now is fed the narrsasistic supply trying to be rational / logical. One of the hardest parts I think for other people to understand atleast in my direct life out side of these forums is that my relationship with my ex outside of when she gets like this which is extremely unhealthy and actually a very fulfilling and functional relationship and even she agrees with me on that.

One thing you wrote about being the healthy parent and the children gravitating towards that has been said by people in my personal life too but here are my concerns regarding that. Within my care the kids have rules etc away child should. At their mothers or extended family they do not. They don't get stopped from doing anything, they are fed treats, juice and junk food  alot. To me the kids enjoy this freedom and pampering and will likely prefer and gravitate towards that as youngsters and into their teen and adolescents.  What are your thoughs on this?

[Enabler]

To me the kids enjoy this freedom and pampering and will likely prefer and gravitate towards that as youngsters and into their teen and adolescents.  What are your thoughs on this?

Who can say with absolute certainty what the kids will choose to do... .but... .from what I have experienced, children like a container, it makes them feel safe. Children without boundaries will likely seek to find them, that’s why they push you too your limits, this is why teenagers seek to push boundaries as well, they are seeking to break free of the control of their primary attachments. The key is, to define YOUR relationship with your children independently from your ex. The children will know for certain what is expected of them and provides a safe environment for mutual enjoyment of the time together.

Read up on parenting styles, passive, authoritative and authoritarian. The one I have chosen is authoritive and couples clear defended age appropriate  boundaries, age appropriate responsibilities, accountability on both sides. I was authoritarian to counteract my W’s flip floppy passive/authoritarian style... .no rules... .then shouting. I realised I can make this work independently from my W and the children define each adult separately.

Being captain fun mum will probably backfire especially if she isn’t truly committed to passive parenting as it relies on you really not caring at all if one of your kids causes complete chaos. Passive switching to authoritarian confuses the hell out of kids.

Re your boundaries. They were for you to maintain. I know how it happens and maybe you didn’t know what you know now, but you can only blame yourself for letting them drop. Lessons learnt though and from failure comes wisdom.

Doing well

Enabler

[Panda39]

My SO's uBPDxw is both indulgent and neglectful.

The girls need socks and underwear mom buys costume jewelry.  Most recently, D17 needs school fees paid for (per court order mom is responsible for this), the school fees haven't been paid for but mom shelled out $200 for a Senior picture photo shoot, that could have been done by her dad or with friends for free  

I might also add that the lack of boundaries at mom's comes with strings, and emotional/verbal abuse, parentification and enmeshment that must be tolerated to be allowed those freedoms. 

Dad has the un-glamourous jobs of putting a roof over their heads, feeding, clothing them, supporting them through school etc. 

Guess who the girls voted with their feet to live with? In 2015 they both chose to live with their dad.  Dad was stable, and consistent, he had stable housing, a job, drives (mom doesn't drive) all the things you need to do the un-glamorous tough job of parenting.

Everything may seem great on the surface living with Disneyland mom, but there is much more involved here that your kids might very well get tired of. 

You do what you do and let her do her.

Panda39

[Radcliff]

You're getting excellent advice from Enabler and Panda39 here, but I wanted to stop by and cheer you on.  These are tough times.  You will get through it and get to a better place.  I'm glad you're getting time with both kids   That is huge.

WW

[sladezy]

Thanks everyone for giving me lots to think about and consider.

Enabler,
What you said about my boundries made me think that actually my boundries or my core boundries atleast are still in place and are the reason for my ex's revolt of the situation forcing us back to being seperated and not working on getting back together. I was able to compromise on some of the smaller issues remember that all things should be equal and if she had an issue that I heard, understood and seeked to resolve. However the compromise was never reciprocated by my revised request and instead the revised request was pushed n pushed until It got to things I wasn't prepared to negotiate on without her coming to the party on anything at all. I guess until you made me think about it I felt defeated again just by her testing and pushing my boundries because my boundries became the thing that was stopping the reconciliation of my family which was the peak of my desire. I felt as if I was the problem (again).

I'll look into the parenting styles when I get some free free time, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for the course I've been studying.

Panda,

Good to know that the kids found their way in your experience and it does provide hope that the same will occur for me while I'm sure it doesn't always go that way. My T told me that as long as the kids have 1 "normal" parent they will turn out ok as the grow up, which I guess is part of what enabler was saying a few posts ago. Has that been the case for the kids in your life or has there been things along the was that have required some adjustment and coping for them to get to that point of being ok?

Wentworth,

Thanks as always.

Just an update of late.

She threatened me to consider the consequences of not signing the fraudulent form for her last night n that it would be ready and waiting for me to sign at the next change over. I got my mum to drop them off for me. Later it was clear that she has the intention of withholding her daughter again because I hadn't lived up to my word of signing. I asked not to be blackmailed and said that it's in the kids best interest for them to stay together while we sort this out ourselves (through the mediation that she initiated and getting a parenting plan). She come back saying that it's best for the kids that they are provided for in both house holds to which I reminded her she needs to do her part in providing that by working and that the arrangement is 50/50 and she is 50% responsible for providing for the children. To stop making me responsible for her portion and not to use the kids to blackmail me. Haven't heard from her since so who knows whats next.

[Panda39]

Good to know that the kids found their way in your experience and it does provide hope that the same will occur for me while I'm sure it doesn't always go that way. My T told me that as long as the kids have 1 "normal" parent they will turn out ok as the grow up, which I guess is part of what enabler was saying a few posts ago. Has that been the case for the kids in your life or has there been things along the was that have required some adjustment and coping for them to get to that point of being ok?

It was a five year rough journey for them both to be able to see who/what the problem was. (D17 still has trouble with boundaries and her mother).

This is just a synopsis of the different situations that have punctuated the journey... .

The first 2 years after my SO left his ex (this was during the divorce... .yes it took 2 years ) were the worst.  Initially dad had custody every other weekend and dinner Wednesday nights so not much visitation.  Mom was running a Parental Alienation campaign, she enlisted the girls help and had them go through everything in their father's apartment and report back to her... .down to what was in the refrigerator. (Did you know that having Raspberry Sorbet in the freezer was a crime?).  They went through his phone and reported his text messages, and latter along with their mother made false allegations of abuse, because dad after talking to mom on the phone in a moment of disgust and frustration threw a cordless phone into a couch. (Our oh so concerned mother did not even attend court... .No abuse was found case dropped).  D22 (then 15) borrowed dad's laptop and refused to return it (we suspect she an mom were trying to hack into it).  Dad called the police to help retrieve it and they ran the records on both of them a lo and behold mom had a warrant for unpaid tickets, she was arrested, dad got his laptop back.

So this is where they all started... .about as bad a position for dad (and for that matter the girls) that you could be.  2 years of a high conflict divorce.

In those 2 years the girls got to see their parents as separate people... .who was causing drama/issues and who was stable.  Mom was, as I often describe both neglectful and over indulgent... .the Disneyland mom who let her daughter skip 9th grade (she pulled her out of HS against the wishes of her father, teachers, and principal) to do on-line homeschooling that never happened.  It was about keeping D15 home to take care of her.  D11 still attended school but with spotty attendance... .a stomachache on Monday meant staying home all week.  So to a kid Yay! we don't have school isn't mommy great! Was in fact neglect.  There were issues with getting the girls Medical/Dental care too. 

The following year D16 went back to High School but her GPA was ruined that would be a 0.0GPA for her Freshman year. 

Mom was evicted twice during the divorce... .more bad choices.  No job living on alimony & child support which was not enough to rent the house they had all lived in, or the 3 bedroom townhouse she later rented.  So the girls went through 2 evictions.

I should say here that dad did everything he could... .took the kids to doctors/dentists on the weekends when mom couldn't get them in, he fought his ex and the on-line school trying to get his daughter back in school, he was so desperate he hoped she would be arrested for truancy (this was for him the most painful episode of the separation/divorce).  Dad also drove (mom didn't), had a job, stable housing, fed and clothed the kids.

Mom = instability and false promises
Dad = stability and honesty

The judge saw what was going on and the divorce settlement shook out as follows... .

Custody, Dad was awarded M-F and one weekend, Mom received 3 weekends.

Dad was awarded Education, Medical & Dental Decision-making (he proved she was neglectful in these areas)

Mom was awarded Therapy (we figure the judge figured that any Therapist worth their salt would see her problems), Vision and Gynecological Decision-making.

So the pendulum swung back to dad and back to stability for the girls.

Meanwhile mom continued to lie, and make false promises... .she said she had jobs she didn't have, she would promise things to the girls and never follow through, she was evicted a 3rd time, but was going to by a half million dollar house, she just did what she does.

In 2013 a year after the divorce things began coming to a head, D17 (then 13) made suicidal comments at school and school did what they were supposed to and reported.  D13 was put inpatient for a couple of weeks and diagnosed with PTSD.

This was a turning point (crisis is hard but not necessarily bad).  D13 was finally able to get a good therapist, a Psychiatrist that could prescribe helpful anti-anxiety meds. (mom had of course chosen someone she could walk all over).

Both girls were seeing who was a mess and who wasn't. Meanwhile dad and I landed here in 2014 (I should also add we had no idea about BPD until around the end of/or just after the divorce).  Once here we really started getting better at negotiating the ex and for me getting my anger under control.

In 2015 mom did the two things that finally made the kids vote with their feet.,

D17 (then 14 and recently diagnosed with PTSD) was sent to camp out of state.  Dad and I thought she was at camp, however 4 days in we get a phone call.  D14 is not at camp (she was told by her mother not to tell dad).  She was at the parent's house of a childhood friend of mom's who lived near camp.  She was going to pay for camp and the lady would take her there, then it was she would send money to the lady and the lady would take her and pay the camp.Well, it took her Father, her Grandfather (mom's dad), and an Uncle (mom's brother) to retrieve D14 and get her home (she had been sent on a one-way ticket).
There was not only no money to pay for camp, she had sent daughter the year before and had not paid for that either.

She sent D22 (then 18) off to college with the promise of a "Family Trust" that would pay for tuition not covered by Financial Aid.  Dad told D18 there was no Trust, D18 was suspicious so she asked mom for proof was shown something convincing so off she went to college out east.  She came home at Christmas break and was asked to either pay for the previous semester or not return.  Mom failed to pay and D18 was now in debt to the tune of $15,000.

Both girls were done.  D22 has barely seen or spoken to her mother since... .whenever she has her mother only reinforces why D22 has no contact with her.

D17 is low contact, she struggles with guilt, people pleasing and boundaries.  She primarily has contact via phone/text and an occasional coffee or lunch.  But her mother also reinforces what a mess she is with D17.  The last time D17 took mom out for lunch on Mother's Day.  Mom was delivered by Uber, got her free lunch, played on her cell phone the whole time, and then asked D17 to pay for her ride home (where's the barfy emoji when you need it!)

Mom is mostly out of the picture.  Dad has been there for the girls every step of the way.  A stable parent, a consistent parent, the parent who has picked up the pieces time and time again when mom lets them down.  Everything that those girls have gone through has been excruciatingly painful to watch.  Dad has warned both girls of pitfalls, but they both made their choices and have had to learn some lessons the hard way.

Both girls have had to go through things that no child should because of their Mother's mental illness.  It's sad.  But essentially their mother because of her own behaviors drove her daughters away.

So to answer your question... .

Has that been the case for the kids in your life or has there been things along the was that have required some adjustment and coping for them to get to that point of being ok?

The whole journey has been a series of adjustments in relation to their mother and her behaviors.  They went from complete enmeshment to her being a minor presence in their lives.  It is sad, that by her own behaviors their mother has driven them away... .but that is what BPD does.

I arrived here with toxic anger regarding their mother and these days I actually feel sorry for her.

I don't tell you this story to scare you.  It was hard no doubt about it, but we all learned things, lessons are learned in the struggle.  Dad learned how not to engage his ex, I learned "Radical" Acceptance, the girls learned who was the reliable parent, and mom learned that there a natural consequences to her actions.

Ultimately, the only person we control is ourselves... .that goes for all of us, me, dad, the girls and their mother.  We make our own choices and mistakes.

Panda39



 

[sladezy]

Thanks Panda,

My kids are 2 and 4 so I've got a long long way to go and many many more adjustments to make and a long long time until the kids even begin to understand exactly what's going on. My daughter got dropped 9ff yesterday alone so my ex is withholding her child to get the parenting payment she wants all the while telling me she wants the girls together and I need to sign her document so they can be together. Sorting it out through mediation isn't soon enough for her but more so I think she is afraid of what will come out in mediation now her reasons are out and in writing.

Pretty disgusted in myself for having met this person now let along the fact I have a child with her.

[Panda39]

Pretty disgusted in myself for having met this person now let along the fact I have a child with her.

sladezy,

Don't beat yourself up, you didn't know what you didn't know, neither did my SO.  He was married to his ex for 17 years.  We didn't discover BPD existed until he was very near the end of his divorce. (So you are way ahead of us  )

He is very duty driven, he took his vows and his family commitment very seriously.  He also is the kind of person who when overwhelmed can shut down, he is nice, polite, a rational thinker, a fixer... .all things that would make him very attractive to a boundary busting, problem causing, chaos causing, controlling victim like his ex.  He's a very smart man but he had no experience with, so didn't recognize, and had no name for the mental illness that was right in front of him.

The stories we all have are so similar, you didn't know what you were getting into, my SO didn't know what he was getting into, he even tried to tell/explain it to me when we first met, but I still didn't understand back in the beginning what I was getting into!

You didn't say to yourself when you met your ex, gee, there is one really messed up person I want to start a family with her!  You saw someone and a relationship with potential and you gave it a shot.  Just because the relationship didn't work doesn't make you stupid or defective... .It makes you human, we all make decisions that don't work out, we all make mistakes   And the relationship wasn't a complete failure you've got a beautiful daughter out of the deal.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[sladezy]

Starting to feel very overwhelmed today not so much with the situation as a whole but with my ability to react / not react to it. Sometimes I get the thirst for knowledge to equit myself with tools for every possible situation / outcome and it's just not possible to learn it all or even be effective with any of it over night or in a matter of days / weeks / months. I can distance myself from the situation and not engage in making it worse, I can focus on myself and the kids and actually get into a groove where that is enjoyable time but when it comes to getting anything productive happening with my ex regarding anything at all, it seems to be an impossible task.  By this I mean trying to negotiate things when I am approached not trying to implement change myself. It's a ___ty feeling that is often very emotionally and physically draining which often leads to having effects in my own life, work, home or social.

[Radcliff]

sladezy, I can relate to your frustration.  I have invested a huge amount of effort negotiating with my wife lately, with the help of a family therapist, and I think my wife and I are likely both frustrated.  We simply cannot close a deal anything like what I'm used to in my life with others.  Her issues, coupled with my trauma and occasional reactivity to her, is not a good combo.

If you accept the fact that rational, reasonable negotiations with your wife are not possible, how might you adjust your approach to cope with that without going crazy?

WW

[sladezy]

Hey Wentworth,

I'm not really sure how to adjust my approach since being responsible and rational about are daughters lives is all it should be. I'm not sure how else to address the matter because coming from an emotional angle doesn't seem suitable. Hopefully the mediation we are doing will help with communicating. I honestly don't want her in my life what so ever and she doesn't respect that. This morning she apologised for trying to make me sign the document, that it was wrong and that she won't push it further but when asked if that meant she was returning the kids back to the original care agreement I'm just getting the silent treatment.  So very much unsure if anything has changed.

[Radcliff]

I'm not really sure how to adjust my approach since being responsible and rational about are daughters lives is all it should be.

I agree, everyone should be responsible and rational when it comes to the care of children.  But your wife isn't.  And likely won't be.  I'm sorry for this, I know from personal experience how mind-blowingly upsetting it can be.  Are you prepared to accept that she won't change, and then make your best plan with that assumption?

WW

[sladezy]

Wentworth,

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm already come to terms with the fact that the kids will be disadvantaged because of this and that I can only do my best to look after them and try my best to make sure they get to enjoy things like sports, dancing and swimming classes etc. Even though at this stage most of those things take place during her time. She's apologies for the black mail as I said before but is not backing down on splitting the children apart. I've reached out to some free legal advice services and I'm waiting to here back from them prior to heading into my mediation meeting next week.

[Radcliff]

Yes, they may be disadvantaged to an extent.  That is sad, but unavoidable.  But you have a tremendously powerful role to play.

What are the topics that will be covered in mediation?  Is it just you and her and the mediator?  Is it just one session, or a series of sessions?

WW

[sladezy]

Wentworth,

She hasn't even told me why she initiated the the mediation (the only reason I've heard is because her councillor said to do it). Since we have had a verbal agreement since the start having a parenting plan in place is only going to effect her due to the frequency she wishes to make changes to the plan. I believe it is 2 sessions each by solo with a mediator and 1, 3 hour session together or maybe one solo and 3 together. I'll be pushing for the kids to remain in the original agreement being honoured. Try to discuss the kids schooling location and decision making process.

[Radcliff]

Mediation can be a good thing.  Those are good issues to have on your list.  Are financial issues likely to come up?  Money and kids tend to be the two big buckets.

When is your first appointment?

WW

[sladezy]

Hi all,

Mediation is only half way through. Did a solo meeting then a group seminar about whats best for kids next is the session with my ex... .still haven't been told why she initiated it but I was told everything I said was not mentioned by her. I haven't seen or spoken to her for a number of weeks but the last day or two I've really been missing having my family together again. I think maybe because I'm taking the kids on a holiday by myself and im abit nervous about what I can and don't do while monitoring both of them at the same time.

[sladezy]

Today she messaged me asking if I could have our eldest daughter the night she has been withholding her because her mother was unable to and to see "if it was still alright" for her mother to take our youngest somewhere during my time (something which I had never said yes to in the first place). I said I wanted the kids back together permanently and that it had never been ok for our youngest to go there. Then as it turns out she never needed a sitter for the night she withholds because she has the next day off work and can spend time with her (that's a first). I wonder if she just made this often to incite a reaction out of me. My request for the kid not to go has been ignored and I think she might even keep both children just to take them before dropping them to me the following day. She's even resorted to getting my parents involved again which as you know is hard while living with them. Will this ever end?  final mediation is not until the end of the month at best.

[sladezy]

I've had a relapse in my strength lately. Here I am more than 12 months on from when this all began for this time around barring one short repeat. I find myself falling back into my own darkness, telling her that I miss her and want to be with my kids everyday (though I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand where I'm coming from). Mediation has been pushed back a month due to her availability which delays me from working out where the kids will go to school as such where to acquire property. I wish things could and would change. I can't seem to let go no matter how far I distance myself from the chaos.