feeling hopeless for our daughter

[darbs7]

Good morning.  Another sleepless night.  Our grown daughter (29 in September) has BPD.  She has had multiple failed relationships, jobs, and college attempts.  She has two young children (under 5) from two different men.  She lives with us and shows no signs of ever leaving.  It is overwhelming.  She is currently in the love phase (she bounces between hating us more than anything in the world and loving us).  In this phase she is fairly easy to deal with, but she is super clingy.  She follows us around the house (literally).  We are at a loss of what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi darbs7

Welcome to the bpdfamily  

Your story sounds so familiar and we all will be able to relate.  Im sorry that this is so difficult for you. Loved one moment and hated the next; neither providing you respite as you expect when your child is an adult .

I can say that they are very lucky to have you?

Given the diagnosis and what you have been living through, was there something specific that brought you here?

Under the circumstamces and your exhaustion it may be worth considering how you can take some time out. With our BPD  children it is impertaive to look after ourselves. Taking time out to reflect annd learn will be important on your journey. This will allow you to consider your limits and what boindaries you need to put in place to support yourself too.

If you haven't  already i would encourage you to read Walking on Egg shells by Randi kreger, learning from the board and all parents here who are all going thrpugh variations of the same disorder.

I have been coming for 6 months and my understanding and learning from other has been monumental.

You are a wonderful caring mother who wants the best for your daughter and grandchildren changes we can make in ourselves can have a profound impact in bettering the relationship with our loved ones.

We are all here for you.

Please keep coming and sharing. Hugs to you

Merlot

[darbs7]

Thank you Merlot for the welcome.  My husband and I are very close and have been married going on 30 years.  We do get out of the house 2 or 3 days a week to "survive" this situation.  We travel to our camp, family, or hotels (husband travels for work and as teacher I have summers off).

I am reading "Walking on Eggshells" (that is how I heard of this forum).  It is helping so much.  My husband and I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse this Friday who helps family members cope with personality disorders. Our daughter has been in counseling since December, was diagnosed in May (and counseling has been less since then... .I have read they can resist after being diagnosed).   

After listening to the book, I think she would be a high functioning BPD, but not sure.  She can't hold a job, support herself, or pay bills, but she takes pretty good care of her two young children (considering how much we help) and does not use substances, nor does she self-harm, and has never attempted suicide or been hospitalized.  She also has not done anything illegal.

It just feels overwhelming to have an adult be so needy (financially and emotionally).  She also shows signs of narcissism (very self-centered, entitled, thinks she is a gift to men) 

[wendydarling]

Hi there darbs7  

I join Merlot in welcoming you here, I'm glad you've joined us, many of us arrive like you it's overwhelming and at a total loss what to do. Merlot gives excellent advice, to take time your good time to reflect and learn here with us how you can change your situation through the knowledge you gain and support of us parents.

Do let us know how you get on with the psychiatric nurse, we have parents here investing in therapy for themselves, working with a therapist who understand BPD can help.  Are you thinking your daughters disengaged in counselling since the diagnosis, as she's attending less frequently? What was the recommended treatment plan?

Welcome again, we are listening  

WDx

[Manuela]

Hi Darbs7,

I too am new to this forum and have a similar situation with an Adult daughter with BPD traits, that has not been diagnosed yet. 

I received the book:  Walking on Eggshells and have a friend at work that is knowledgeable.

I really enjoyed the video on Validation. 

I am celebrating today, as I finally had a decent conversation with her.  In the past 3 months, she has repeatedly stated that she needed space from unhealthy relationships and I was one that she targeted.  It hurts, but it is easier to understand that they lack the ability to control those mood swings. 

I will take today and recall it as a win.



 

[DoneMom]

Darbs 7,

I understand the sleepless nights and worry with your adult daughter.  I’m in the same boat & my 23 year old is very needy too.  It’s exhausting.

I am so happy for you that you had a “win” today with you daughter,  it must feel really good to finally have some positive communication.  Congratulations on that very fine victory!

So happy for you too that you have a close relationship with your husband and that you can take some time for the two of you.

Take care of yourself &/let us know how you are doing,

DMom

[darbs7]

Hi Darbs7,

I too am new to this forum and have a similar situation with an Adult daughter with BPD traits, that has not been diagnosed yet. 

I received the book:  Walking on Eggshells and have a friend at work that is knowledgeable.

I really enjoyed the video on Validation. 

I am celebrating today, as I finally had a decent conversation with her.  In the past 3 months, she has repeatedly stated that she needed space from unhealthy relationships and I was one that she targeted.  It hurts, but it is easier to understand that they lack the ability to control those mood swings. 

I will take today and recall it as a win.


My daughter has said the same thing to me over and over again the last 10 years... ."the break from unhealthy relationships and me being one of them".  She hasn't said it in awhile, she is opposite right now.  She wants to spend every waking moment with me and I sit in my bedroom all day alone when I am home avoiding her.  I so desperately want her to have her own place with her children.  My husband and I have been approved to hold a second mortgage so we are looking to buy her a house (owned by us)



 

[Merlot]

Hi darbs7

Glad you are back here to join us    Great news that you are engaged with a psychiatrist that specialises in this area.  I think I might need to do some more searching in that regard, now that you mention it, as my therapist is more generic.

Thank you Merlot for the welcome.  My husband and I are very close and have been married going on 30 years.  We do get out of the house 2 or 3 days a week to "survive" this situation.  We travel to our camp, family, or hotels (husband travels for work and as teacher I have summers off).

I'm glad you have a close relationship with your husband, and that you can get away, it's so critically important.

After listening to the book, I think she would be a high functioning BPD, but not sure.  She can't hold a job, support herself, or pay bills, but she takes pretty good care of her two young children (considering how much we help) and does not use substances, nor does she self-harm, and has never attempted suicide or been hospitalized.  She also has not done anything illegal.

Your circumstances sound so very similar to mine and I think my DD27 is also High Functioning with a strong dose of narcissism.  My DD27 was diagnosed three years ago and now tells me that she doesn't have a personality disorder; she thinks I am a narcissist. My daughter was three years into her degree when she fell pregnant while caught up in a messy duo (in and out of two relationships simultaneously).  My daughter is yet to really financially support herself as she has relied on the men in her life to support her while she was at Uni.  Needless to say, she moved to our home state to have the baby as the relationship with her ex and the baby daddy had gone understandably pear shaped.  Like you, we were exhausted emotionally and financially.  After 12 months of so much rescuing and never ending drama with both men still present in her life, I started to pull back for my sanity.  She flew into a rage and has cut us off.  Despite some limited contact to resolve the conflict, we are now 'hated', and the abuse was just "so crazy".  I miss my beautiful GD1 terribly, but like your daughter she looks after her well - on most levels. 

My daughter is also very self-centred and thinks she is a goddess.  It's all very difficult but i love despite it and I am working hard to better myself to both support me and her if I get the opportunity to reconnect.  At the moment I will not beg forgiveness - the long held manipulative pattern of behaviour that I enabled.

Glad you are here, it really helps. 

Merlot