My one best line re: breaking news I'm in counseling. Need advice

[Cat Familiar]

Like you, FF, I've had to swallow my first response of being shocked/hurt/flummoxed by those out of the blue comments where he doubts my love and appreciation of him.

In the past, I'd confront--like "How on earth do you think I don't care when I just did this for you [fill in the blank]." Then, it would be off to the races... .

[formflier]

"How on earth do you think I don't care when I just did this for you [fill in the blank]." 

My guess is you are an "acts of service" love language person.  That's my "highest" language.

Luckily my wife and I are both "very low" on gift giving.

My wife's highest love language is touch... .by a wide margin.  Which is likely why "morning snuggle time" works so well to help her calm... .in a time of day when her anxieties are normally really high.

Anyway... .she can "intellectually" explain to me and others that when I bring her a bagel in bed, fixed just the way she likes it... .that it's me screaming "i love you" at the top of my lungs... .

Yet... .toss emotion in the mix and she "forgets" all of that in that emotional moment.

"Reminding" her (which seems logical)... .is actually invalidating and has the effect of "pouring gas on a fire".

I certainly will acknowledge this is the way it works, yet it doesn't "make a lick of sense" to me.

Sigh... .

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Yep--I'm Acts of Service too. H is Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.

Certainly when there's a mismatch between love languages, both partners can feel "unseen".

The irony for me is that due to how ephemeral BPD moods are--his proffered statements of love seem to me BS. I'm all about consistency. 

[Notwendy]

I think this thread is really valuable because it clarifies some behaviors that were very hurtful to me, that were a result of how my H interpreted me.

My H's love language is the same as my mother's- acts of service - but beyond that- they are a form of affirmation and soothing them. My mother will go to extremes to manipulate people "serving her" because of this. When I am around her, it is a constant string of requests- do this for me dear. I don't mind helping people who need it but this goes beyond need- and I see she soothes herself by having people do things for  her.  She uses me to soothe herself.

My love language is also acts of service. In my marriage, I hoped that there would be some reciprocity, but when someone is at a deficit- they can't get to the point where their deficit is full enough to give back- they are in negative- "I don't get enough". . I didn't realize my H was at this deficit- within himself. When someone is constantly fulfilling their fear of rejection- they constantly need the affirmation of the act of service. He would also manipulate me into doing these things- something I didn't pick up on easily because it was a "normal" for me in my FOO.  I also wanted some acts of service, but asking for them would throw him into a rage. He felt it was unfair to him. I guess from his perspective of being in negative balance, it was, but what he was feeling was not the case in reality. If someone feels that way no matter what, another person can't fill that deficit, but the intimate partner is the one they look to first, and we fail them. I think this starts the devaluation process.

A difference between an act of service as love language and a form of using someone else to soothe bad feelings is when it doesn't happen. If a friend did something nice for me- like offer to pick my kids up from school so I could do something, I would think " that's nice" and then, offer to do the same for her if she needed me to. I wouldn't attach more meaning to that. Emotional soothing has meaning. If cooking dinner for him meant "I love you" then not cooking dinner meant " I don't love you- you aren't worth it- rejection". In that case it didn't matter how many times in a row I cooked dinner. If I asked "honey, I don't feel like cooking- would you mind picking up take out on the way home from work", it resulted in anger and refusal. If I asked for help with the dishes, it was seen as withholding my love for him. In anger, there isn't the incentive to give someone their  love language of any kind. I didn't feel loved and I began resenting doing things for him- but I did them to keep the peace. Not a good cycle.

About that smoking hot wife of yours FF ( I hope you saw  the movie Talladega Nights). Even though you see your wife is beautiful, she may not have had that validated in her FOO.  My BPD mother is an attractive woman, but she didn't have a secure sense of self and projected her feelings by being critical of how I looked. Looking back at pictures, I was a cute kid, but not in her projections.  These messages from childhood combined with my H's lack of "love language" for me made it hard to believe him when he says he thinks I'm attractive. Not all baggage we bring into the relationship is due to the person having BPD. We brought some of ours into the marriage too. Who knows what messages your wife received in her FOO.

[formflier]

Well... .I certainly wasn't there to listen directly when my wife was growing up... .but I can reasonably piece some things together

I think when people got fixed up for Sunday... .or made an effort to "clean up" there was praise.  I think those times were few and far between.  I would doubt if it went over the top... ever. 

As they got older, the women seemed to start talking about whoever was NOT there in a negative way.  A$$ is getting flabby, something sagging, can you believe she wore that, everyone knows she is coloring her hair... .who is she kidding (you guys get the picture)

I think the message was understood, while we will rarely say nasty things to your face, or we will make sure it's "hidden" behind "constructive criticism"... .you can bet that when you are not around, every little bit of you will be raked over the coals...

Uggg... .

I'm sure that my wife was praised for the beauty pageants, and the pictures were on display.  There is something subtle about only praising when you are in a pageant, with a healthy dose of... ."if I hadn't been on you so hard about things you wouldn't have looked as good as you did"

Then... .once it was obvious my wife was going to be the best looking one of the bunch, and the only one to graduate college (her Mom did graduate later in life... 10 years or so after my wife graduated)... .and then my wife started having all those kids.  Well, all the "nasty women" (again my wife is "nasty light" would kinda sniff and wonder "who does the think she is"... .or "she thinks she is better that us... "

    uggg

Anyway... .I've kind found that a consistent dose of good comments, with rare over the top stuff is kinda the sweet spot for our relationship.

Some of it is a little juvenile... .I've been known to grab popcorn and find a perch while my wife is trying on different clothes and stuff... .but I think it has a positive impact.

Anyway... .good thread... keep it up.

See what happens in a safety standdown?  We "hijack the tread"  for safekeeping... .of course.



FF

[Red5]

Keep the high jack going, this is great !

Red5

[Notwendy]

It makes sense that your wife would have a difficult time believing you when you tell her she's attractive, since her own family would say one thing and then something else behind the person's back. They also seem very critical of how other people look. I think this would create a fear of not looking perfect when out in public. Sure, we should make an effort to look clean and decent, but not have to fret about every hair in place or perfect makeup.

A public outing for my mother is a production. She has to have her hair done, makeup, the right dress. It is understandable that if everyone is noticing how beautiful you are ( people frequently comment on how pretty she is)- you would feel there is a standard to meet. I would make the effort for a special event, and dress professionally for work, but if I'm going to the grocery store- it's jeans.

Age affects everyone's appearance. It is hard to look in the mirror and see wrinkles and gravity is going to make some things sag even if you do work out. I think it would be cruel to make mean comments about people's appearance behind their backs,  but if that is the "norm" your wife grew up with, it could make her self conscious, even if she is beautiful at her age. She's not 20 and after 8 kids, it isn't the same. Personally, I think that makes a person more beautiful, but our culture's focus on air brushed supermodels and youth doesn't support that.

[BetterLanes]

Good morning pirate crew    The thread hijack is no problem, I had actually planned to switch back to my annulments thread to reply to Formflier's last pre-weekend comment. So you are welcome to keep this one! That was very useful to read about the rejection issues and love languages. I'll watch the videos sometime soon as well.

More soon

BetterLanes x

[formflier]

Aaarrgh... .!     

Walk the plank BetterLanes... . 

FF

[BetterLanes]

*splash*

swimswimswim

*reaches sandy beach*

*cracks open coconut*

  

[formflier]

Hey BetterLanes!  Can you give us an update?

FF

[Chitchat]

We had a furious deal - breaking argument one Saturday. Or, we would have done, if she hadn't avoided it by stamping on a flowerbed I'd planted for her, coming back to stamp on it some more, and driving off.

The line I sent her was : 'I'm going to the counsellor on Monday. Do you want to come?'

She could hardly let me go alone, could she? Success!

(Unfortunately she sent me out of the room as soon as we got to the clinic, and the counsellor refused to say anything beyond that my SO would not be going any more.)

[formflier]

 
Wow Chitchat

That sounds frustrating.  What were you hoping to accomplish at the counselor?

What do you think actually got accomplished (perhaps communicated is better word)?

FF

[Harri]

This thread has been locked as it has reached the post limit.  Part 2 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329126.msg13000120#msg13000120