Target trip

[StormyLife]

My 17 1/2 year old daughter had been with the boyfriend all day.  Was in a great mood.  Laughing and having fun.  Asks to go to Target after we take him home at 6:30pm.  I agree.  On the short drive, we discuss how hot it is outside.  She makes a complaint about the weather.  I remark that it was just this hot last night when she had me go out and get sushi for her.  She glares at me from the backseat so I drop the conversation.

After we drop him off, driving to Target she says:  “btw, I don’t appreciate you sharing MY personal business with other people.”  I said, “ok, I am sorry.”

As we get out of the car to walk in the store, she says:  “because I really didn’t ask you to go get me sushi, you offered.”  I said, “You could have stopped with your first comment.  I said I was sorry.”

In the store she separates from me to get her items.  Then she doesn’t respond to my text telling her I was done and waiting in the toothpaste section.  I think she has now crossed a new line and left the store so I go out to the car and she is not there.  I call.  Phone goes straight to voicemail.  My usual “I’m leaving” threat is now taboo from all I am reading so now what?  I text again “Where are you?” as I start to get that sick feeling in my stomach of what may be next. She texts back after 30 seconds: “Chill”.  Then I see her.  She puts her items in the cart minus the toothpaste she wanted and plus some other items.  I say:  “so I don’t know what you are so angry about”.  She said:  “because you told him my personal business and I don’t like it and now you have started a problem with us again”. (meaning her and I because we just overcame a 3 week issue).  So I say:  “I apologized that is all I can do.  Did you get your toothpaste?”  She says :  “NO, you were supposed to get it.”  I said:  “I don’t know what kind you want.” 

I purposefully make her go up the aisles until she finds the right aisle by herself.  She got frustrated and grabbed a travel size and threw it in the cart and said: ___ it.

Now we are home in separate areas after a silent car ride.

Just needed to share as my husband is out of town for the next 7+ days for work.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi StormyLife!  I like your choice of moniker... .it truly does describe what life with a child with BPD can be like much of the time!

I think many, if not all, of us can very much relate to your frustrating trip to Target.  How what starts out as a benign outing with an innocent comment on our part can result in a disappointing downward spiral... .  I certainly know that I have been there many times with my BPD dd21, particularly when she was a little younger, like your daughter.

I can happily tell you, StormyLife, that I have been able to improve things with my daughter by changing my approach.  If you haven't already seen them, the Tools and Lessons on the right hand side of this page  are the place to start.  For me, Lesson #2 was pivotal - "If your current approach is not working, change it".  As I changed my reactions to my daughter by implementing some of the tools I learned here, it helped deflate her defensiveness balloon and our relationship improved dramatically. 

I am reading that you and your husband are good at supporting each other with the difficulties of dealing with a child with BPD, that life is harder for you when he is out of town.  It is great that you came to the forum to vent your frustrations and to seek support!  That is exactly what we are here for and you are in the right place to find much understanding and empathy from other parents who "get it".

I look forward to getting to know you better, StormyLife.  None of us need to do this alone.    MomMae

[StormyLife]

Thank you SO much MomMae.  I really appreciate your comments.  Yes, she sure knows how to try to push my buttons more when he is out of town (and he travels a lot).  This time was different.  I told her that I was sorry and that there was no more I could do to change what happened.  She went to her room when we got home, blasted her music for about 30 minutes then came out and asked if she could go for a walk.  I said yes.  Then she starts to get worked up because she can't find headphones.  Instead of solving her problem, I let her struggle through it - all the while hearing comments about how she hates having a panic attack and losing her stuff.  She eventually came and asked me if I had a spare set of ear buds she could use.  Then she left.  About 30 minutes into her walk, she calls me to tell me about a 'found dog' sign wondering if I knew whose dog it was.  It is funny because it used to irritate me that she could act like nothing happened but now I know that is her way of re-engaging with me.  When she got off the phone with me she actually said, 'have fun'. 

I am glad that things have improved with you and your daughter.  I look forward to learning more of these tools on the side and interacting with the group.  I really appreciate someone being here who understands.  Maybe now - instead of harboring this incident tonight - I will be able to put it to rest and get some sleep.  Small victories.

Thank you also for liking my name.  It sums it up!  Take care, MomMae.

[MomMae]

It is funny because it used to irritate me that she could act like nothing happened but now I know that is her way of re-engaging with me.  When she got off the phone with me she actually said, 'have fun'.

StormyLife - that is excellent!  That is so similar to how I felt when things finally started to turn around with my daughter.  I began to just radically accept that this was her way and I changed my reaction to it.  My daughter will also re-engage by acting as though nothing happened and I realized that it was better to for me to just go with that then to want a resolution or closure to whatever had happened.  Maybe not ideal, but ever so much better than being in constant conflict, a no win situation.

Maybe now - instead of harboring this incident tonight - I will be able to put it to rest and get some sleep.  Small victories.

I love this... .this is exactly what this forum is here for... .so that we can vent, get support, learn the tools and slowly work through some issues.  As you say, "small victories", babysteps... .that's what it's all about   

Do you practice any forms of self-care, StormyLife?  Taking care of ourselves is a vital part of helping our loved ones as otherwise we burn out or can be very reactionary in a negative way.  With your husband away a lot, it is even more important that you have some "you" time to just breathe... .

I hope today is a better day for you    MM

[StormyLife]

Thank you MM.  Yes, I am in counseling with her first therapist for the past 3 years.  I read lots of books from various people to help me with issues important to me and journal about what I learn.  I make time for friends with lunches and go out alone a lot to do things.  I have learned to bring books to restaurants and grab lunch alone.  Something I would never have done in the past.  I read for fun and watch NASCAR.  I exercise and work on mindfulness (but am not consistent with either, haha). 

I am a teacher so during the school year, I am plenty busy. It is the off time that is difficult as I am home in 'her space' and messing with her routine.  I have learned how to dis-engage and leave the house.  I actually bought a new Charger with a hemi in January so that offers lots of release.

I know that my health depends on me taking care of me.  I cannot let her actions cause me the stress and anxiety that they have in the past.  Knowledge is power - to change what hasn't worked in the past.

Thank you so much for your feedback and advice.  It is much appreciated. 

[MomMae]

That is wonderful, StormyLife, it seems that you are doing and excellent job at self-care! It is something that a lot of us struggle with (I know I sure do!) and it is awesome that you have found ways to prioritize YOU. 

It is great that you are receiving counselling, too.  How is that going for you?  Are you finding it helpful?  Does that therapist suggest ways in coping with your daughter's extreme behaviours and moods?

[StormyLife]

Yes, we work on mindfulness and ways to take care of myself in the extreme moments.  She does a lot of validating me which is very helpful.  She has been helpful with suggestions on ways to set limits and enforce rules.  She has also been helpful by allowing my husband to attend some sessions so that we can be a more united front.

I am a teacher of kids age 12-14 and am very familiar with the teen years group (even though it is very different with your own child).  I know things and ways to handle kids that my husband doesn't always understand.  That leads to frustrations for both of us at different times.  She helps to present things in a more neutral way.

It is just nice to have someone who is on your side all the time and cares about you.  She helps me to see why certain things my daughter says or does bother me so much and we work through that.

I just noticed that the message board censored my daughter's bad language.  oops.  I will not do that again. 

She has been perfectly fine since the other night - and it is her period week - which can be a trigger.  Last night we went to a clothing store, ate dinner out and then ran into another store.  Not ONE issue.  It was nice.  Yes, I journal those moments as well in my Gratitude journal.

Have a great day!