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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Contradicting words from undiagnosed ex...  (Read 2722 times)
allbymyself7
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« on: July 13, 2018, 11:55:23 AM »

My ex suddenly discarded me 6 weeks ago, after claiming I was the love of her life, the person she’s been waiting for all her life, her soulmate - complete idealization.
Something shifted for her when I was visiting her on our last visit (I had triggered abandonment when I went out for a walk to ease the tension during our visit).
She said she wasn’t in love anymore, but she still loved and cared about me deeply. She also said she was attracted to me and that I was the perfect partner... .but it just wasn’t working for her.

I had a weak moment and contacted her last week. She stated in hindsight it’s clear - she wasn’t sure what she wanted (this doesn’t make sense, as she was pushing and pushing for me to relocate to her her city and she couldn’t imagine a life without me).
She also said she loved me but couldn’t picture a future together. She was sorry for making me think she wanted a life with me.

It was cruel and completely the opposite to what she stated throughout the entire relationship - it’s almost as if she doesn’t remember the what she expressed to me or how she adored and loved me throughout our relationship.

She still looks at my social media posts/stories. But does not talk to me anymore. She stated she hoped I could move on and find happiness during our last message exchange last week.

Any thoughts? Did she just shut down and discard?
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Cromwell
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« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2018, 01:02:52 PM »

It could be a ploy to see how you will react, a test of how much you care to start chasing after her.

Do you know if she has moved on with someone new? I rarely hear of a discard that doesnt involve leaving to another relationship that has been waiting in the sidelines.
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2018, 01:28:16 PM »

I had asked her if there was anyone else and she denied. It’s been 6 weeks now since she discarded me, so I’m not sure if she’s found someone new now?
She had stated when she was breaking up with me that she felt she was meant to be alone. She said she had everything she had wanted in a partner in me and still couldn’t make it work... .so I don’t believe there was someone waiting on the sideline.

Initially after the breakup, I had emailed her, pouring my heart out and she did not reply. It was if she became disinterested overnight and didn’t care anymore.

When I sent her an angry message last week, letting her know how much she hurt me and that she detached and discarded me because I felt I no longer fit the picture perfect vision she had of me in her head, she responded coldly that she was sorry she made me think she wanted a life with me. She told me she wasn’t in love and couldn’t picture a future together because our approaches to life were different.
She was perfectly happy spending a lifetime together and planning our future weeks before, and suddenly, it’s like she flipped a switch and she didn’t feel anything for me anymore
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Cromwell
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« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2018, 03:12:31 PM »

Is there any way you could find out, such as via her facebook or via mutual contacts, it would at least solve part of the puzzle to make sense out of.

im sorry she has behaved like this "out of nowhere", I can relate I know how it feels. Please try to spend some time to keep your mood up because at this moment in time there is little to be gained by trying to make sense of it all. There is even the chance you will hear from her again so be prepared.

It doesnt make any sense to me, with the highest likelihood that she has found someone else, I doubt out of nowhere she suddenly found the urge to be alone. That could just be keeping a door slightly open with you in case the new doesnt work out and all of a sudden being "alone" was just her in a bad place and needing space.
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2018, 03:45:30 PM »

She never posts things on social media regarding her personal life - I was the only person she had posted pictures of (which is why I felt so special).

None of this makes sense to me either, however all I can think of when she said that she felt she couldn’t see a future together because we had “different approaches to life” was that I wasn’t successful enough for her. She has extremely high/unrealistic expectations and she became increasingly controlling with me. If I didn’t do something in an appropriate time, she would would he upset with me.
I was looking to relocate to her small city and was looking for jobs, but it was difficult for me, as I would be leaving my condo, and my family and friends behind, so I wasn’t acting quick enough for her.

Perhaps this played a role in the idealization/devaluing of me - I had human faults and couldn’t live up to her expectations, and therefore she became turned off?
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« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2018, 03:54:25 PM »

When someone behaves in a completely illogical way and hurts us in the process, it's totally natural to wonder, "What the heck just happened?" and to search for answers to their behavior.  In our pursuit of answers, we often don't observe what's going on with us.

How do you feel about what's happened?  OK, now, I'm a typical guy, so if I were in your shoes I might be saying, "Seriously, dude, did you just ask me about feelings?"  But, strangely, and late in life, I learned that my feelings give me a much better read on where to go, and what action to take, than spending a ton of time rehashing her behavior or trying to fit the actions of someone with a personality disorder into a logical framework.

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allbymyself7
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« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2018, 03:59:27 PM »

Hi Cromwell,

I should also mention the fact that on my very last visit to her at the end of May, she had shut down emotional and mentally due to stress from work. It seemed as though she detached, but she still insisted she wanted me by her side. I should also note that she has decreased her depression/anti-anxiety medication by half to lose weight.
After a few days of her being distant, I told her I was going out for a walk to give her some space. She accused me of abandoning her and told me I wasn’t strong enough to be her partner. She even stated something shifted for her when I had left her in the apartment. She became full of rage and yelled that she hated me.

We had a long talk and I told her she was in a dark place and that she needed to talk to her therapist and increase her medication again.
I left to fly back home with her being loving and not wanting to lose me.

She saw her therapist the next day who suggested we take a break and go no contact.

Within a few days, I knew something changed. When she called the next week, she said she was happy alone, something had shifted and she fell out of love (but still loved me and was attracted to me). She said she hoped I could find happiness.

Last week, when I made contact, she said she was sorry for making me think she wanted a life with me. It was like we never existed and she forgot the bond and love we shared.

I’m so confused and hurt and don’t know how to stop feeling for someone who is so emotionally unstable and unwell.
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2018, 04:10:27 PM »

Hi Wentworth,

I am absolutely devastated, distraught, blindsided, angry and hurt. It’s still hard to believe someone who continuously told me that life was better with me in it could just choose to shut down and walk away as if nothing happened.
It seems impossible that she could want nothing to do with me considering how loving, fun, light and easy our relationship was. She loved being together and never wanted to be apart.

I’m having a very difficult time believing she is gone. It seems like a terrible nightmare and that I will hear from her as soon as I wake up from this dream.
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« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2018, 04:10:56 PM »

Be careful, like Cromwell said, it could be a test to see your reaction and how far you would go, it could be that she has found someone new.

When someone with BPD traits starts to act/talk contradicting you must be very careful what to believe.

Here's my experience. When my ex "broke up" with me I ended two days at her place cuddling/crying/laughing/debating and repeating that pattern for the whole weekend. She was even contradicting in just one sentence. She would say "I wish you a better gf, you better wish me the same, hey, who knows, maybe we will be back together in a few days" while kissing me like nothing happened last night. This was very contradictory for me and that's why I broke up with her the next day, I was afraid that she was actually saying "Wait if I can hook up with a new guy, if that doesn't work, I'll be back".

And yes, she also said that she won't enter a new relationship that I mean much to her and so on... .She denied whenewer I would say that she will end up with someone and I even mentioned some names. Few weeks after, she indeed ended up with every single person I've mentioned, even more... .And yes, she did enter a new relationship with someone else.

Maybe your situation is different, your ex is a different person, but have this in mind and be careful. Mine did try to hide from me that she is on the hunt for a new guy even when she told her friend that "she felt love" after we bumped into each other after the break up. A week later I saw her intimate with a person she never mentioned.
Be aware that they can be VERY contradict, they can say and mean two opposite things at the same time when they enter this phase.
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2018, 04:57:30 PM »

Hi gilac,

When the feelings for my ex ‘shifted’ 6 weeks ago, she did not go back on what she stated. In fact, it seems to have gotten more clear for her that she couldn’t see a future with me (she said this last week when I reached out).
It was like she switched off and hasn’t looked back.
However - she has kept looking at my social media stories, which i find odd because she knows I can tell if she looks at them or not.

There is no way I would have guessed she would ever leave me - she always said she would be completely devastated if I ever left. 2 weeks before she ended the relationship, she said she had a dream I that left her for someone else. She woke up from the dream crying and didn’t sleep the rest of the night.

This woman was deeply invested in me and a future together. Within a week, she shut down and turned her back. She said she still cared for me and would probably always lust after me from afar, but something didn’t feel right so she had to move on.
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Mutt
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« Reply #10 on: July 13, 2018, 05:19:13 PM »

Hi allbymyself7,

This woman was deeply invested in me and a future together. Within a week, she shut down and turned her back. She said she still cared for me and would probably always lust after me from afar, but something didn’t feel right so she had to move on.

I'm sorry to hear that. That's really hurtful when she promised you that she wouldn't leave and you tell her that you'll always be there then she ends up doing what she said she wouldn't do. What do you mean by something didn't feel right, did she say what that something is?
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #11 on: July 13, 2018, 05:45:16 PM »

Hi Mutt,

She couldn’t put her finger on what didn’t feel right 6 weeks ago, but last week when we messaged, she said our approach to life was different.
I’m assuming I was too laid back for her? I wasn’t successful enough for her... .or maybe I just had human faults and she began to devalue me?
She seemed to be very in love and completely attached the whole way through and suddenly she just felt like we were different.
It doesn’t make sense.
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2018, 05:47:43 PM »

Mutt, I also believe that me going out for that walk to give her some space (and her subsequently feeling like abandoned her) made her feel like I could hurt her. She said something shifted for her that weekend.
I feel that perhaps that had something to do with her shift in feelinfs
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« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2018, 06:13:25 PM »

Maybe she means you have different values when she said you two are different? Do you have the same goals in life? Something like you’re ready to settle down and have a family and she doesn’t want to have kids?
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #14 on: July 13, 2018, 06:17:15 PM »

Yes, we had the same values, goals, wants, needs. She said I was everything she wanted in a partner but she said she couldn’t make it work.
She was so invested in building a life with me. She wanted a marriage, a child, a house, the trips. We constantly spoke of these things.
I believe I just didn’t measure up to her unrealistc expectations in the end. I’ve read that when pwBPD see a person’s faults, they devalue them.
Perhaps this is what happened? It just seems so sudden to have wanted a life with me and stating I was perfect for her... .to nothing.
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« Reply #15 on: July 13, 2018, 06:24:22 PM »

This is just my opinion based upon my very similar experience insofar as being quickly discarded by my uBPDexgf.

Their love is not real. They say all sorts of things they don't mean in order to cultivate something. There is no way to try to make sense out of it. You can't rationalize something that's irrational. They are extremely selfish, shallow people. Our feelings and well-being mean little to nothing to them.
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #16 on: July 13, 2018, 06:27:21 PM »

I truly believe that in the moment, it was real for her. She started becoming controlling when I wasn’t measuring up and then she quickly discarded and didn’t look back.
But yes, she did put me on a pedestal and told me I these were the best times of her life - I truly believed it.
Just as quickly as she turned it on, she turned it off.
It’s left me in pieces.
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« Reply #17 on: July 13, 2018, 06:34:22 PM »

The same things were said to me, multiple times. "I will never leave you." She left me, multiple times.
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2018, 06:43:15 PM »

It’s horrible how they don’t understand the future implications of their words and actions.
My psychologist told me she has narcissistic traits, which is why she had no empathy when she left. She also told me she wasn’t heartbroken when she was breaking up wIt’s me! What sane, rational human being would do that to someone they “cared” about?
My therapist also told me that when these people are dOne with the relationship, they are done and don’t feel anything.

This woman has absolutely traumatized me. I’m left here in pieces, wondering what happened to the future we were just planning... .
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« Reply #19 on: July 13, 2018, 06:58:57 PM »

Not just the idealization, also the devaluation of other people. I also experienced that the people she talked bad about suddenly became better examples than me and she started to compare me to these people.

So, look deeper, if she had those dual thoughts (or it seems like that) for other stuff, other people etc. You'll may find the answer. Things became more clearer to me as soon as I started to compare, not just asking about that one particular thing.

And remember, their attitude depends on their feelings at the moment, not on the whole history with you. No matter what you did for her, if she has BPD traits, once she changes her mind all of the sudden it will not matter to her anymore. How are they capable of going like this I don't know, but it's a fact that this is their pattern, evidence is all across the boards.

Have all four eyes open in this situation.
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #20 on: July 13, 2018, 08:02:04 PM »

gilac, you’re right. I think many of us initially fail to pay attention to the red flags that are before us because we are so fixated on the love and adoration we receive from them.
She made me the center of her world and wanted forever with me. I didn’t think I could meet a better match.

In hindsight, I should have paid closer attention to the fact that she stated exes had said she had a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality (I attributed this to her being a Gemini). I also should have paid closer attention to her saying that she could have a mean streak and always said something hurtful before someone could do it to her first.
I should have taken seriously that she said someone she had previously dated had said that she had dated her way through the city and that that’s the reason why she had to go online in search of long distance love.
These were all warning signs that I chose to ignore because I so badly wanted to believe she could never behave this way with me because I was “the best thing to ever happen” to her.

It’s difficult to believe you can be dropped in an instant with someone professes their undying love and devotion daily. That I’m the one they’ve waited for for 30-something years. She pushed and pushed so hard to have me move there to be with her.
This is never something I thought she would do.
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« Reply #21 on: July 13, 2018, 08:20:15 PM »

This woman has absolutely traumatized me. I’m left here in pieces, wondering what happened to the future we were just planning... .

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling.  All breakups are hard but to be left so suddenly like that has to be deeply painful and confusing.  How long were you together?  Building dreams with someone for them to come crashing down unexpectedly is shocking.  After what has happened, would you want to rebuild given the chance or are you feeling like what she has done in behaving this way towards you has removed any desire to work on a r/s with her?  

6 weeks is only a short time after such a blow.  It's perfectly normal to feel very raw right now and be full of questions.  Our minds struggle to make sense of things that don't fit with what we might expect.  Were you already seeing your T prior to the breakup?  It's good that you have that support in place and also that you've reached out here.  I'd encourage you to read the articles to the right of your screen and involve yourself in others' threads too.  Everyone is in various stages of detaching and healing.  It helps to know you're not alone.  

Love and light x
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« Reply #22 on: July 13, 2018, 08:29:25 PM »

Hi Harley Quinn,

Thank you for your message and thoughtful words.
We had been dating 7 months, however I had never felt like this toward anyone before (she said the same thing).

I have been in 3 long term relationships prior with partners that did not have symptoms of BPD. I had never felt this way with any of them like I did with this woman (who exhibited symptoms of BPD and NPD).
We both expressed we had met our soul mate, the love of our lives. It seemed like that t was a perfect fit. We had future plans - trips, me relocating to her city, we spoke of marriage next year. She never gave me any indication she had any doubts.

I had not been seeing a therapist prior to this abrupt breakup. I am now seeing a trauma psychologist to deal with the aftermath.
It still feels impossible that she is gone. She NEVER wanted to be apart... .and yet now, she chose to leave me and the love we had.
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« Reply #23 on: July 14, 2018, 01:46:18 AM »

You're not the only one on this one really. Mine told me how much her grandmother would love me if she was still alive, and the asked if my parents would love her. We made plans for the summer and the future and things were super. The last date was beyond fantastic and as she left my car she told me that next week we're doing something. 1 week later she postpones the date, 2 weeks later she does it again telling me that she doesn't want me to think she's a flake. After that, I got 1 month of silent treatment out of the blue, and when I saw her she said that she wasn't looking for a relationship out of it. If you can solve my puzzle I can be thankful.
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« Reply #24 on: July 14, 2018, 10:33:10 AM »

Yes, some people’s feelings can change like that, for reasons they don’t understand. It sounds like she was honest with you.  My ex reported a very similar devastating sudden shift, like a switch was thrown and try as he might — since he knew it was awful and that he had promised not to hurt me — he couldn’t switch it back.

There is sophisticated literature about why this happens, including on this site. It has virtually nothing to do with you ... .the reasons that come later are someone’s best effort to come up with a reason for a massive shift that doesn’t make logical sense within the frame of the relationship.

It DOES make sense if you understand psychology. People whose feelings shut down like this are dealing with subconscious protection strategies that are their own system’s reaction to past hurt/invasions/betrayals. These reactions are embedded at a level that seems outside the realm of conscious choice. Healing them requires intensive work and an incredible commitment to protracted discomfort over temporary self-gratification and self-soothing, something not too many people of any stripe in our society are up for.

I fully understand how shattering this is. My own story sounds very similar to yours and it came at a time in my life when I could ill afford it. Something that seemed important and true and trustworthy falling apart out of the blue did me a lot of damage.

Ultimately I recovered by centering these truths in my consciousness and forcing myself not to avoid them or look for ways around them: this DOES happen to some people who are dealing with unhealed trauma and it isn’t personal to me. Yet I have been terribly wounded and I am walking around with a major injury. It is going to hurt for a long time. I can’t change the other person and it’s highly unlikely that they have the wherewithal to get a grip on this themselves anytime soon. Thus I have no choice but to turn away from them as a solution to this hurt; I will have to find other sources of meaning solace and happiness. That can start very small ... .a book, absorbing TV show, small practices of walking, exercise, self-indulgences like massage and clothes and haircuts, new challenges. It won’t feel very good at first and will pale in comparison to what you thought you had. Later, the value of what comes next will deepen and it will feel a lot better.

You yourself are going through traumatic (sudden, unexplained) loss, which may be activating and interacting with past losses that you haven’t fully processed and cleared out. After a number of CBT therapy misfires which really didn’t get at the trauma reactions, I found much assistance in somatic (body based) trauma therapies: lifespan integration and sensorimotor psychotherapy are two variants.

Previous to this relationship I had no idea that people can and do destroy important good relationships for no apparent reason. I wasn’t prepared and had zero protection against this possibility. Since studying BPD and C-PTSD, watching my ex up close (we were in close touch off and on for years after he left me; he has repeated his cycle many times since and keeps wrecking good things, including our relationship several more times), and recently watching my own kid deal with traumatic injury by developing BPD-like reactions to guard against hurt (she explains her reasoning and it sounds a lot like my ex), I now accept that many people act dysfunctionally and harmfully to their bonds with others in order to guard against what their system perceives as a risk of unsurvivable hurt. There’s just not much you can do with that with a partner. As a mom, it’s my job to create conditions that may counteract those impulses, and I’m trying, but it’s a long long job even with a young person with a very dedicated well-informed loving parent. My ex didn’t have that and he learned terrible strategies for surviving in life. Your ex sounds similar.

My ex also had a therapist who recommended he not recommence with me. She reportedly told him he would certainly hurt me again. At the time this enraged me — that they would unilaterally make a decision that hurt me so much. But in retrospect I understand. Without profound work revisiting what they are using relationships for, these cycles nearly inevitably repeat. My ex chose not to do the work fully and he started up a doomed relationship with another woman after a few months, with a rationale about how actually maybe SHE was the one. Later he admitted he took the easier route. Point is: that was his possibly poor choice. If he had done the work and wanted to rejoin me in a relationship of integrity, I would have made room for his particular challenges and been patient (and clear). He didn’t make that choice. Hence, he is still wandering in the wilderness and is no longer a part of my life.

The psychology of BPD is very complex and counterintuitive. It isn’t as simple as something you were missing or did wrong. My ex was most emphatic about building walls with me when things were the most right. But it was what he felt he needed to do because that’s what his level of skill and insight left him with as a strategy for protecting and taking care of himself. It sucks. I’m so sorry.
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« Reply #25 on: July 14, 2018, 10:53:53 AM »


It DOES make sense if you understand psychology. People whose feelings shut down like this are dealing with subconscious protection strategies that are their own system’s reaction to past hurt/invasions/betrayals. These reactions are embedded at a level that seems outside the realm of conscious choice. Healing them requires intensive work and an incredible commitment to protracted discomfort over temporary self-gratification and self-soothing, something not too many people of any stripe in our society are up for.

Well said.
This is just the coping mechanism they learnt (mostly) because of bad upbringing they had. Anyone who immerses themselves into a romantic relationship with them embraces the whole thing emotionally, not noticing they just entered and will remain a small part in BPD's machinery. Then they just continue the way they always do, leave/change overnight, the partner who is full of emotions is left alone and shocked asking himself millions of questions.

We were all in this situation and it took some time to see the full picture. But, as you said, without understanding their behavior and that we shouldn't accept it personally (it has nothing to do with us, this is just their life the way it always was) there is no way to get some kind of closure and understanding of what had happened.
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« Reply #26 on: July 14, 2018, 01:13:15 PM »

Patient and clear, thank you for your insight. It does indeed make sense, if in fact she does have BPD. However, BPD or not, someone who is able to ‘shift’ their feelings within a week, after planning a life together is not emotionally stable; it’s not something a healthy, stable and rational person would do.

I’ve had a difficult time not taking this personally. When she was breaking up with me, she was not emotional, but seemed rational and detached - almost as if she became disinterested in me overnight.
She said our approaches to life were different (and yet a week before she was still wanting me to move there).

As much as I understand that perhaps she was protecting herself or she devalued me (by focusing on my flaws), it’s still unimaginable to that someone who was so deeply invested and in love with me could just leave and not care whether she saw or spoke to me again.
Unlike many other relationships with a BPD, she has not cycled back.
I believe her feelings shifted and she was able to move on in days.
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #27 on: July 14, 2018, 04:49:12 PM »

6 weeks is still a short time since discard.  There is the possibility she will yet be in touch again further down the line.  Some ex partners make contact after years.  My ex partner broke no contact after 12 months.  If she were to make contact, how would you feel? 

You've probably read about fear of abandonment being a struggle for sufferers of BPD.  There is also the fear of engulfment.  From what you've told us, there were high level plans in place, for moving together, marriage and so on.  It is quite possible that just as things were taking shape and becoming very real, she began to feel engulfed and felt the need to back away.  It's not uncommon for the reason given to be one that is used to explain what is in reality something entirely different at it's core.  In other words, a convenient excuse to end things when devaluation was already taking root under the surface.

Right now, you're probably feeling a lot of strong emotions and whilst there will continue to no doubt be burning questions, I'd encourage you to focus on yourself and your own well being.  What are you doing regards self care?  I became obsessive  in my search for answers as many of us do in the early stages and it can be easy to neglect our own physical and emotional needs during such a quest.  Try to prioritise spending time on soothing and restorative activities and or rest.  Some questions we must accept we may never get definite answers to, at least not from our ex partners.  I know how hard that is to digest.   

I'd like to share an article with you, which was an enormous help to me at the point I arrived here.  This is an excerpt:

Excerpt
When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

You can read the rest of the article HERE and I hope that it allows you to feel that you're not alone in how things played out between you.  Let me know if any of this article really resonates with you. 

Idealisation, devaluation and discard, especially so sudden a discard, can be a highly damaging process for the 'non' partner of a pwBPD and we are here to walk with you as you come to terms with what you've experienced.    

Love and light x
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allbymyself7
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« Reply #28 on: July 15, 2018, 01:34:50 PM »

Hi Harley Quinn, if she were to make contact, I think it would be a struggle for me. There would definitely be a lack of trust.
However, I do think she is gone and moved on.
In our last conversation last week, she said she didn’t see a future together and was sorry for making me think she wanted this with me. She said that she hoped I could move on and find happiness.
Once someone has shifted like this, is it possible for them to shift back?

She went from one extreme, to another in a matter of days... .or perhaps , like you said, things were boiling under the surface for her. In any case, she made no indication that there were any doubts she wanted to be together. I was blindsided.
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EdR
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« Reply #29 on: July 15, 2018, 02:03:59 PM »

Hi allbymyself,


To answer your original post: my thoughts would be to try and get some distance. Don't let these contradicting words (or actions) completely control you.

I will give an example from my situation: when the devaluation suddenly started 1,5 years ago I was confused. Her actions didn't perfectly match her words anymore. Something felt a little off. I asked her about it, but she kept saying everything was perfectly fine. I chose to believe that as I didn't experience her devaluation before that.
Somewhat later her parents informed me that she was 'confused' and they asked me to take that into account. I just thought that was weird and vague, but couldn't see that statement separate from her slightly changing behaviour... .so my gut feeling told me to get some distance. Her parents immediately replied that absolutely wasn't what they (or she) wanted/had in mind. So I was confused... .
Two weeks later she told me the exact same thing: she made it absolutely clear as well that she did not want that.

I asked her several times to talk about this, because I thought this was horribly vague and confusing. But she always came up with an excuse, so we never had that talk.

After a while though, rumours started. And she was painting me black; telling her friends she clearly asked me not to contact her.

This went on for a while. Regardless of what I did or did not do, it got worse, it got better, it got worse again and several times things seemed absolutely 'normal' again. But after a soap opera of 2,5 years idealisation and 1,5 years of devaluation it still left me broken and utterly confused.

In hindsight, perhaps I should have listened to my gut feeling 1,5 year ago. It would have saved me from all these rumours, smear campaigns, hurt and maybe the worst of all: hope. Every single time her words (or sometimes actions) lead me to believe she was behaving 'normal' again, I had this hope everything would be fine eventually... .

So... .I would say: get some distance.


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