Things seem to be improving already

[Shawnlam]

I wanted to post something positive with a tinge of insecurity near the end ,hoping for some advice from those with a similar experience.My and my gf got back together last Saturday .Lots of things were said with boundaries ,expectations ,therapy conclusions and etc etc.This week I spent two nights at her new place which was completely the opposite of what used to happen previously (she finally moved to a nice place and isn’t ashamed of her place).Also yesterday I met her entire mother’s side of the family ( also something that never happened she wasn’t in a good place back them).Her mother even told me she hasn’t smiled so much these past few days .We also talk everyday on the phone when we aren’t seeing each other( even when we do).

With all that said here is the part that’s started to chew at me and oddly it has nothing to do with her.My entourage (friends ,family ,co-workers) all keep telling me over and over again “be careful she’s playing a big game and you are falling for it”.Then the endless comments of “ its just a matter of time before she goes back to her old self “. And these comments never end .Now I promised myself and her that I’d give this relationship a fair shot,give her the benefit of the doubt ,and trust her .So I understand my entourage is just looking out for me , but it weighs heavy on you yeah know .Its like eventually hearing it enough you feel like there is a timer waiting to go off for this to end,when the thought pattern should be , live with it daily take it easy ,time will tell

[Skip]

You have an entourage?  

Recycles only work when the parties seriously approach unconditionally changing themselves and when they accept that the other person didn't wake up one morning as a different/better person. I didn't say unconditional love, but rather unconditional change. Making changing that we believe make us better and that are not contingent on the behavior of the other party.

They don't work when the reconnection is based on the hope the other person will be better and that will solve things. A successful reconnection with still have down cycles and challenges. We all would like to return to the "honeymoon", but that is typically short lived.

My sense is that you are in the latter, not the former.  I say that not to criticize, but to signal this early so that you can reconsider how you approach yourself going forward.

a. Feel like there is a timer waiting to go off
b. live with it daily take it easy ,time will tell

These are about her. The break down you to had was as much about your timer too.  It has a lot to do with how you handle her when she withdraws to safe place (dysfunction coping). It had a lot to do with your coping safe place (painting her black, pathetic, immoral, cheater).

There are reasons you respond this way, which is another thread, but this is still deep in you. You can feel it simmering already but you are holding it down now, but what happens when she steps on your ego? You will likely head for your safe place. She will head for hers. The cycle of conflict will start again.

I think you have work to do to be able to absorb the blows you are going to have coming your way even in the best case scenario. They are going to come.

Will you be able to help her recenter when it does or will you go off like an M18 Claymore? To not do this, you would need to rewire yourself a bit.

I remember you being adamant that you are not going to change yourself - which is fine - but it probably won't play well in this type of relationship.

Just an aside... .I learned some of this from someone close to me, a hall of fame football coach. He had all kinds of stuff thrown at him in the course of 40 years of assembling winning teams and in the process of churning out NFL players... .you can imagine. He never cracked. He was an incredibly caring guy... .and there was an underlying strength he projected without ever being selfish or forceful. You need some of that here.

[Shawnlam]

Ohh there will definitely be trying times coming for sure.I spend a lot of my time on self reflection more than anything else lately.My anger levels have been non existent,however my on guard feeling has been increasing.My therapist explained its my defense mechanism towards my fear of vulnerability.Because of past behaviors I’m always expecting that sucker punch coming outta left field and surprisingly it has not happened yet .Im hoping with time/meditation/ and keeping myself busy with my hobbies that I can counter this unhealthy feeling.I also figured If she does go back to doing something abnormal I’ll post here well before reacting.

[babyducks]

Hi Shawn,

I hope you don't mind if I join this conversation.    Your post reminded me of my situation a couple of years ago.    I think I can commiserate.

(friends ,family ,co-workers) all keep telling me over and over again “be careful she’s playing a big game and you are falling for it”.Then the endless comments of “ its just a matter of time before she goes back to her old self “. And these comments never end .

my partner (now Ex) and I were together for a while when we had a violent argument.   In this one,   I was more at fault.   I should have left the discussion,   I knew it was getting too hot,   I identified two places where I should have left the room, but I wanted to get my point across,   I wanted to have 'communication'.     In the end I broke my hand, badly.   It required surgery, four pins and a rod to heal the break.    My family in particular was appalled.   Thrilled the relationship was over,   more than ready to blame her.    They watched me struggle with a broken hand and the emotional aftermath of a BPD relationship and were angry.  Very Angry.

After a while my hand healed,  and my partner and I worked our way back together.   It's very difficult to reconcile after an outbreak like we had.   My family was beyond appalled.   They did not support the idea of us getting back together.    They were concerned.    They were expressive in their comments.    My closest family barred my partner from events.    I couldn't put my partner and my cousin in the same room.  They couldn't tolerate each other at all.

I knew there would be challenges in trying to put our relationship back together.   All sorts of challenges.    And this was one of them.     Having zero support from friends and family, and in a couple of place open anomisty was difficult.  Not unexpected.   but difficult.   I had several conversations where I told my cousin that I respected her opinion.    Her concerns were legitimate.    That I wouldn't ask her to do something she was uncomfortable with (hang with my partner).     and that I sincerely valued her and our very close relationship.    I felt very alone.

trying to rebuild a relationship that has suffered severe and painful breaches has some significant challenges.   one of them is reactions of family and friends.    it's important to not under estimate how challenging.    my relationship with my partner was difficult BEFORE, I broke my hand.    after it was difficult and damaged.   those really are two separate things.   I could not just turn off my feelings, and when conversations got heated, my emotions took me back to the place of fear and pain that was all wrapped up in my broken hand.

It's important to honestly and with clear eyes and a clear head, look at those challenges.    Ahead of time.    As much as we had hopes for our future it was important to be unflinching about assessing what we were trying to over come.     abnormal behavior was going to happen.    it wasn't "if" it happens.    it was "when" it happens.   

As it happened for me,  my ex (diagnosed Bipolar 1 and BPD) had an interruption in her medication due to insurance changes,   had a Bipolar manic episode and absolutely trashed our home and relationship.    We could not recover from that, nobody is that flexible.   

I sincerely hope it's different for you.   Still I would encourage you to plan ahead.    Any relationship has difficult times.    When a relationship is already burdened with mental health issues, there is an added dimension of difficulty.

'ducks

[Shawnlam]

Hi babyducks , first off it’s nice to hear from you again.Thanks for the words it does make sense on many levels ,I’m going to have to be very prudent.The tuffest part of right now is really letting time advance to see what happens ... .very tuff.I already have issues with feeling vulnerable so it’s exceptionally tuff listening to everyone that cares for me  telling me she’s playing a big game.Shes not love bombing me or anything or idealizing me ,she’s being just pleasant like anybody would .I tried explaining this to my family and friends but none are buying it so it’s very tuff.Because I enjoy speaking positively about myself to friends and family and she’s part of that now,it’s tuff not being able to share it.But I have planned for the possibility it may come crashing down however I can’t be in a negative state or insecure and think this will work either I’m doomed to fail if so.

[pearlsw]

Hey Shawnlam,

May I ask, do you feel she is "playing a big game"? Sure, she has issues with her mental health, but would you characterize it as a game?

My SO can be very difficult at times, and has extreme black and white thinking, but one thing I am sure of is that it is not a game.

I know how hard it is when others in our circle don't understand why would still be together. I am sorry you are experiencing that, rather than the joy of being part of a couple that people rally around, support, love, and say how great!

I know that hurts.

But I think that it is important to enjoy the parts of life that are enjoyable even if you know tough parts will inevitably come. As others have said, the best thing to do is make yourself as stable and steady as possible so that when challenges do arise you can be better positioned to handle them. Have a plan in place.

Is validation a tool that you use regularly, not just in crisis, in order to keep good, open communication with her? Create a stronger sense of her being listened to all the time? I noticed I was using the tools nearly exclusively for crisis, and in fairness, it all seemed like a crisis for a long time, but it may also make a difference to just make this part of a new relationship version of you so you are grounded in the tools as a practice/way of life.

wishing you the best!

warmly, pearl.

[babyducks]

Always good to talk with you Shawnlam,

I already have issues with feeling vulnerable so it’s exceptionally tuff listening to everyone that cares for me  telling me she’s playing a big game.

good self awareness Shawn... .     nice step forward.

as I see this, it's actually two separate problems.   first is that your crew is not thrilled with her and you re-kindling the relationship.    second is that they are firing up your fears,  triggering you into a reactive state.    Yes?   No?

like I mentioned upstream my partner and my cousin loathed each other with a passion.   I literally could not put them in the same room for fear of what might break out.    It was unpleasant in the extreme.    and, quite honestly, it was on both sides.   each one of them behaved badly at one time or another.    It was tough on me because I was often caught in the middle.    I had to really work on my communication skills.    I had to use both SET, and DEARMAN, at various times with both my cousin and my partner.    My cousin was actually a little easier.   

This is almost verbatim what I said to her "Listen Cousin,   I understand you have concerns,   it would be pretty nonsensical for me to pretend you don't have good reasons to be worried.   Still this is important to me,  I need to try and I hope I can have your support however things unfold."   She barked at me a little bit longer and I ended up saying "you are important to me,   you're opinion is important to me, I am not going anywhere but we see this really differently right now."     after that I carried on as 'normally' as I could.   didn't avoid saying things, didn't go out of my way to encourage them to stop hating each other.

the part two of it all was I had to develop a thicker skin, get tougher emotionally so when one or the other said "that jerk ... .blah blah blah" it bounced off.   I didn't take it on board.    I had to learn to identify the trigger and talk myself down from an emotional reaction.   these were the two most significant people in my life.   they could have made this a lot freaking easier on me but they didn't.    in a way I had to learn to guard my emotions when they decided to talk about how horrible the other was.   I had to be the more mature adult.   


'ducks