Brand new to this

[Gmax6]

About 3 months ago I was blind sided when my 59 yo son apparently got really angry at me and wrote to numerous people via email really nasty things about me and said I cannot contact his wife or my grandchildren. I have been in contact with his wife but so far have not seen my little granddaughter although we are scheduled to see her and her mom next week. I have been devastated by all of this and hope I can find my way out of this stress and grief. Thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Gmax6

Welcome to the bpdfamily

Understandably you are devastated, none of us deserve to be treated with disrespect and hurt, especially when it involves grandchildren.

Even with such few words, I can feel your pain and relate to what you are going through.   My daughter who has a diagnosis from three years ago, cut me off six months ago and I haven't seen my granddaughter since her first birthday in January.

Are you able to share what prompted him to send such nasty emails?  Has there been a pattern of behaviour with your son over the years?  No doubt at 59, there may have been other issues along the way. 

I'm glad you reached out to his wife, even if he told you not too, clearly you need to try and understand what has happened.  Was this helpful for you?

The members here at the bpdfamily are wonderful.  There is so much information on the board to the right.  I came here amidst my crisis and I have felt so validated and assisted in learning about BPD, how to look after myself and ways to change my reaction to my daughter to better assist both of our well being and happiness.

We look forward to hearing more from you, and I hope you are ok.

Merlot

[Gmax6]

Merlot, thank you for your caring response.
You asked what prompted his attacks. He had been having some issues for some time and was seeing a therapist but it wasn't helping. He lost his job because of unprovoked anger issues and they were kind enough to apply for disability for him based on that. He was not complying with their requests for documentation and fired a psychiatrist who refused to provide an untrue diagnosis that he wanted for reasons of his own. He and his wife were having marital issues. He was "stuck" in ruminating about the past, way back to childhood. His father was abusive and I divorced him in 1968 because he threatened to kill me so I was the sole provider for the 3 kids for 6 years. It was tough, his oldest sister was a very rebellious teen and the second sister didn't like him. She told me recently that when he was a child he was lazy and manipulative and "weird". Somehow, I did not see that back then. For a brief time, he had a "big brother" who he said he did not want to see anymore and when I insisted he tell me why he said it was because the "big brother" wanted to kiss him and he didn't want to. That was all he ever (even as an adult) told me, but I immediately pulled him out of the program. He was about 12 at that time. Since we were 3 females and he was the only male in the household, I thought it might be better if he lived with his dad.

He is on his 3rd marriage and blames the divorces entirely on his ex-wives. He takes no responsibility for any of it. After the 2nd divorce, he was homeless for a while. We tried to help him, but no matter what we did he would not hold up his end of the bargain. We were paying his car payment, and he was not doing what he said he would do to help himself, so we stopped and the car was repossessed. He knows there are limits that we won't go beyond. My husband has been supportive of me when I tried to help and I am blessed to have him.

This recent occasion, the specific reason he got so angry with me is because he had been "crying on my shoulder" (via e-messages) for a whole day, ruminating about everything in the past... .and he would not let it go. I told him he had to stop talking about the past, stop running over everything in his mind all the time, stop reminding his wife of everything from the past. He wasn't hearing it. And finally, he said something nasty and I said he was acting just like his father and WOW! The next thing I knew I had an email from our lawyer that he had written her to take him and his family out of our will and trust and if he or family got any money he would give it to a whorehouse in Tijuana, and I could not see his wife or little girl anymore. Then I was hearing from family and friends all over the country that he was calling or writing them about how awful I was. He did the same thing to his wife, writing her family. That was 3 months ago.

Besides losing his job, he has blown up at strangers, the people at the school where the little girl will start kindergarten this fall, the people at the car dealership, and anyone who he disagrees with, repairmen, just everyone. He thinks the whole world is picking on him. He has threatened suicide at least twice that I am aware of, and CPS has been to their house but his wife doesn't know who called them -- maybe his therapist.

I still have not spoken to him or seen him, and I have been just sick about it, so stressed out and my BP is way up. At this point, I don't know if I even can bear to see him; certainly not anytime soon.

I am in touch with his wife, and she was thinking about divorce but can't afford it, so they are trying to give the marriage a second chance. She is supporting the family. She has drawn some parameters he can't cross, such as not bringing up the past and he has to see a therapist. But we will see what happens there.

I am not even sure if he is BPD or if it is something else. This is all so new to me.  Other than reading the material to the right here, I don't know what else to do. I am in my 80's, and this is just so hard.

Thank you for listening and for caring.

[DoneMom]

Oh dear Gmax6,

I feel for you - sounds like its been a really terrible &;frustrating struggle with your son.

My daughter constantly “ruminates” about the past.
It’s really tough when you know they might be able to make real progress if they could only put the past behind for awhile in order to move toward a better future.

She lied about me to numerous family and friends too - atrocious stuff that never happened!  I understand how hard this must be for you

Hang in there, come back and let us know how you and your son are doing,

DMom

[Gmax6]

Could this be genetic? I just realized That there are these kinds of behavior patterns in four generations.

[Feeling Better]

Hello Gmax6, I have to say that there seems to be a lot of similarities between your son and your relationship with him and my mothers relationship with her son (my brother). My brother sounds a bit like your son, he thinks that only he is right, he talks very loudly and can be highly argumentative. He has had just the one wife and she divorced him a few years ago. He rarely contacted or spoke to our mother prior to his divorce proceedings but as soon as they were underway he was constantly on the phone to my mother, offloading all of his problems onto her. If he didn’t like something she said to him he would slam the phone down and ignore her for weeks at a time and then he would phone her again when it suited him. She would have been in her early eighties when this was happening. I can really empathise with you, I know how my mother felt and no doubt you feel the same. This is not the kind of thing you want to be going through when you’re in your eighties and I’m so sorry to hear of the nasty things that he is saying and doing to you. I understand when you say that at this time you don’t know if you can even bear to see him, my mother used to say the same thing.

I am pleased to hear that you are in touch with your son’s wife, does your son know that you are in touch with her?

Could this be genetic? I just realized That there are these kinds of behavior patterns in four generations.

In answer to your question, yes, BPD does tend to run in families. I’m still trying to figure out my family, my son has traits, I’m pretty certain about that but I’m struggling to make the connection with other family members, I’m still quite new to all of this x 

[Gmax6]

Thank you, Feeling Better, for your kind note. Yes, I am in touch with his wife, and we plan to have lunch next Sunday with her and my granddaughter... .I am so looking forward to it. She is 5 and does not understand what is going on. She just knows she wants to see her grandma and grandpa. So we will. I hope I keep my emotions under control and we can just enjoy each other. We had to miss her birthday, so we are bringing along a couple of small books for her. She is so bright; she taught herself to read before she was three years old! So one is a journal, with guidance/questions for her to write her thoughts. Thank you again, for your kind thoughts. They help so much when it seems so much is out of control. <3

[Merlot]

hI Gmax6

Apologies for the delay in responding.

Thanks for providing such a comprehensive update.  Wow, you sure have a lot going on and the circumstances in terms of the "trigger" seems so similar to my circumstances. 

My husband and I had been dealing with lots of drama from my DD27 with her baby's father (on again - off again) everything was his fault - a pregnancy - a miscarriage, on it goes.  We were back 5 mins late from walking her dogs.  She was due at the doctors post miscarriage.  She flew into a rage (it was incredibly scary).  my husband told her to calm down and we have been cut off since.  That was six months ago and I miss my GD1 terribly.

Coming here was a lifesaver, I took time to step back and learn.  I have tried to reach out to her using some of the techniques from here but she has responded very abusively.  I have decided for the moment to give her space while she has gone from loving me to hating me, as the abuse was too hurtful.  Time has allowed me to grieve and come to terms with some of that grief and recognise that it is not personal and although we are NC, I am proud of how I have handled situations in the aftermath of the rage.  I can't claim I have handled things well before I really started to learn about BPD.

I think we can both be grateful they have some good people around them.  We can't change them but we can change ourselves.  My hope for my DD27 is that she gets therapy, if she doesn't I hope that she is ok and if we do make contact, it won't just be on her terms but mutually agreed terms as I am not open for abuse.

I hope that is of some help to you, stay here with us as there is much to talk about and learn.

I hope you are doing ok.

Merlot

[Gmax6]

DeMom and Merlot, thank you for your thoughtful replies.

We had lunch yesterday with my GD and DIL, and it was so nice. GD was so pleased with the little journal we brought her, and the lunch went really well. I really miss them both. They are leaving in a few days to visit DIL's family and will be gone for a couple weeks, but we will see them again when they return.

After finding out my son's diagnosis is definitely BPD, I experienced a lot of relief from anger and pain, and I found I could feel compassion for him since he is in a lot of pain himself because of this disease. I still don't want to see him, or be around him; I need a quieter life but the burden of anger and fear is alleviated and I am thankful. I hope he gets into an excellent treatment program soon and although I know it's a slow process, I hope it will help him.

My heart is with both of you. It's a bumpy path we travel.

[Merlot]

Hi gmax6

Im so glad you got to spend time with your granddaughter and DIL. They will certainly need youbas they travel the journey alongside your son.

Im glad you cam recognise that it is not personal but also recognise what you need for yourself.

Im currently reading " I hate you don't leave me". It is one of a number of books rhat im finding helpful in my learning.

Im glad you are here with us. Thinking of you

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hi Gmax6

I just want to say how pleased I am to hear that you met up with your DIL and your GD and enjoyed a nice lunch together. I am glad that they will be seeing you again soon when they return from visiting DIL’s family, something lovely for you to look forward to.

You seem to be feeling more content now, knowing that your son’s diagnosis is definitely BPD and I hope that now some of the anger and pain resulting from your son’s behaviour has gone, that you will be able to work on your relationship with your son. I realise it is probably not something that you may be looking to do at the moment, but maybe sometime in the future. Do you have any thoughts on this x 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gmax6]

Hi, thank you for your kind note.

Right now, my son is so angry at everybody and so destructive emotionally, that we (his family) are not in touch at all. Honestly, I don't know when, or if, we can ever be reunited. It would be wonderful if we could, but the trust has been broken unless (unlikely) he accepts professional advice and understanding from his therapists. So far, they are not able to reach him. He is out of touch with reality and can't tell the difference between actual events and imagined events. We can only hope that one day he will be able to mend, but for now he has "divorced" his entire family. I am finally able to accept it, only because I have learned so much about it and realize it is a mental illness that he can't control. Maybe someday... .

[Feeling Better]

Hi Gmax6

I can relate to what you say, I underwent relationship counselling with my son and I hear you when you say that they cannot reach him. It was exactly the same with my son. As you so wisely say, once the trust is broken it is so hard to re-establish.

I admire you for being able to accept your son’s disorder and I am pleased for you that you are able to still see your GD and your DIL x 

[Merlot]

Hi Gmax6

Just wanted to pop by and see how you are doing?

Right now, my son is so angry at everybody and so destructive emotionally, that we (his family) are not in touch at all. Honestly, I don't know when, or if, we can ever be reunited. It would be wonderful if we could, but the trust has been broken unless (unlikely) he accepts professional advice and understanding from his therapists.

These are words out of my circumstances with my DD27. I also don't know if we can be re-united.  While I know it's not personal, for me... .trust has been broken... .if she can cut me and my husband (parents and stepfather who have loved her the way parents do) over something so simple, how do we invest only to have her cut us off again if we so much as look at her sideways.  It is especially difficult when there are grandchildren involved.

I would like to think that if we were re-united that I would be have better skills to mitigate against triggers (skills which I didn't have in the past) but there are no guarantees and it's very scary indeed but it's all I have... . i'm not sure how to re-connect.  Everytime I have tried to reach her using SET, she abuses me, each time worse than the one before.  So I have stopped trying for a while.  My DD will not accept her diagnosis and blames everyone else.  I don't know how long it will take her to calm down.

Anyway Gmax6, I'm glad I have you hear to listen and talk to as we share a very similar journey.

Would love to hear from you.

Merlot  

[Gmax6]

Thank you for your kind thoughts, Merlot.

Everything here is unchanged. DIL made a 3 week trip to her home country to visit family and I haven't had a chance to talk to her since her return. Things were pretty bad before she left, but I don't know how they are now. We will see her and GD next weekend.

As far as my husband and I are concerned, we are going to keep our distance. It's too painful to be smacked with emotional blows. I don't see anything changing anytime soon. I have accepted that this is the way it is and don't spend much time thinking about it.

I hope you can find a place of peace for yourself. I find that meditation daily helps, as does journaling. My doc gave me a prescription of five steps to do every day and it helps. Here is what he advised:

1. Identify 3 new things you are grateful for each day
2. Journal about one positive experience over the past 24 hours
3. Meditate 19-20 minutes every day
4. Get 30 min of stress relieving movement 3-5x a week
5. Perform one random act of kindness per day.

Sending warm, healing thoughts your way. Hugs,

[Merlot]

Hi Gmax6

It sounds like you are in a really strong place and I like your five suggestions and I certainly tried that today, I think I got three in    You're right it makes a difference, especially if you feel you have been dragged down again by the circumstances.

I'm so glad you are still connected with your DIL and GD.  My mother said to me today to let go and like you... .maybe someday she will come around... .I hope so, in all the of horridness of what BPD is, I still miss her.

Thanks Gmax6, I'm glad you're still here with us.

Merlot