Bringing up therapy

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been in a relationship for awhile with a p/w BPD. We've been through a lot together over four years. Figuring out that BPD is a thing, many episodes, suicide attempts, behaviors that most people would not tolerate. I've made a point of educating myself and learning more and trying to adjust. The last episode was an extreme suicide attempt where I had enough. I set the boundary of, if this relationship is really going to continue therapy is a must. There are so many resources here, online and books. However my SO will make excuses to not do it. I don't see how we can make progress if both of us don't understand BPD and the options available so it doesn't control our lives. I brought up seeing a therapist (he's medicated but that's it) and it turned into a fight where everything is my fault and I need to do better at not making him mad. Instead of him ALSO working on things.

Now that we've started to settle back, he's making every excuse to not go. They say you shouldn't ever force someone to go to therapy... .At the same time I do not see how this will work without it. I dislike ultimatums but also want to set boundaries and put my foot down for my sake. I want to say that I can't be in a living situation where I don't feel safe and comfortable. Having therapy (I offered to go too) would be a start and show that maybe my SO will take this round seriously because I'm on the fence. If we can't do something different from the past then everything will stay the same and the same things will happen. I want to show that I'm not tolerating these behaviors anymore and set real boundaries.

Is there a better way to phrase/approach this and at the same time make it clear that I'm making a decision not just for us but for myself?

[eggfry]

I've been in a relationship for awhile with a p/w BPD. We've been through a lot together over four years. Figuring out that BPD is a thing, many episodes, suicide attempts, behaviors that most people would not tolerate. I've made a point of educating myself and learning more and trying to adjust. The last episode was an extreme suicide attempt where I had enough. I set the boundary of, if this relationship is really going to continue therapy is a must. There are so many resources here, online and books. However my SO will make excuses to not do it. I don't see how we can make progress if both of us don't understand BPD and the options available so it doesn't control our lives. I brought up seeing a therapist (he's medicated but that's it) and it turned into a fight where everything is my fault and I need to do better at not making him mad. Instead of him ALSO working on things.

Now that we've started to settle back, he's making every excuse to not go. They say you shouldn't ever force someone to go to therapy... .At the same time I do not see how this will work without it. I dislike ultimatums but also want to set boundaries and put my foot down for my sake. I want to say that I can't be in a living situation where I don't feel safe and comfortable. Having therapy (I offered to go too) would be a start and show that maybe my SO will take this round seriously because I'm on the fence. If we can't do something different from the past then everything will stay the same and the same things will happen. I want to show that I'm not tolerating these behaviors anymore and set real boundaries.

Is there a better way to phrase/approach this and at the same time make it clear that I'm making a decision not just for us but for myself?

[Teno]

Is there a better way to phrase/approach this and at the same time make it clear that I'm making a decision not just for us but for myself?

That is such a hard thing to hear and experience. Have you read Stop walking on eggshells? They do discuss on how to approach suicide threads when it happens.

I started seeing a T by myself and have kept it from my W. We went through a super rough patch and I mentioned therapy to her. I was about to tell her please join me, but then she ended up saying how stupid T's are, waste of time... .etc. I thought to myself: I'm helping myself first and my doors are open for when you ready. I'm not letting myself getting berated for seeing a T.

My T said: just going by yourself will also benefit your relationship.

Maybe you can book a time with a T: Tell your SO that you going and it is his choice if he wants come and say no more. Either way it will be a win for you, but a big bonus if your SO decides to join.

[eggfry]

Teno thanks for sharing your experience, I hope your W comes around. I have read both Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You Don't Leave me. It really helped a lot and of course the tools on here have been a lifeline.

I thought to myself: I'm helping myself first and my doors are open for when you ready. I'm not letting myself getting berated for seeing a T.

My T said: just going by yourself will also benefit your relationship.

That's a great idea, helping yourself first and offering an invitation to go whenever they feel they are ready.

I'm between living with him and living closer to where I grew up (very far apart) Trying to make smarter decisions for myself and not throw myself back into the fire blindly. Our agreement was if he were to move closer to home where it's more stable, I'd come with him on the condition he's taking his meds and talking to someone so he has someone to support him other than me.  He's putting off the latter. In the past I had allowed things I shouldn't have, so this time I'm trying to be firm and do the right thing for myself.

[Cat Familiar]

They say you shouldn't ever force someone to go to therapy... .At the same time I do not see how this will work without it. I dislike ultimatums but also want to set boundaries and put my foot down for my sake. I want to say that I can't be in a living situation where I don't feel safe and comfortable.

You are absolutely right, eggfry, that you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. My ex-husband threatened suicide on several occasions, but to experience your partner making multiple suicide attempts, wow! My heart goes out to you.   

It sounds like you're not currently living with him, and I think that's a good plan. As you know, his life is his responsibility. However pwBPD can so easily try to hook us into being responsible for things that really are their own stuff, as you well know.

I brought up seeing a therapist (he's medicated but that's it) and it turned into a fight where everything is my fault and I need to do better at not making him mad. Instead of him ALSO working on things.

I think you're right on holding the line and until you see his willingness to work on his own issues, best to live apart.

[formflier]

Boundaries work both ways.

If therapy is a "must" for the relationship to continue... .then you have your answer. 

Once your s/o realizes that you are actually serious about your boundaries and values... .perhaps there will be change... .perhaps not.

The important thing is that YOU held to your values and boundaries, even if there were some consequences that made you sad.

FF

[eggfry]

Formflier and Cat Familiar thank you so much. His temper will make me question my decisions and if I’m doing the right thing.
 

Boundaries work both ways.

If therapy is a "must" for the relationship to continue... .then you have your answer. 

I really needed to hear that. I’m going to try to put myself first (self care) and not let this roller coaster control my life. And also will work on reminding myself relationships take two people.

It sounds like you're not currently living with him, and I think that's a good plan. As you know, his life is his responsibility. However pwBPD can so easily try to hook us into being responsible for things that really are their own stuff, as you well know.

I think you're right on holding the line and until you see his willingness to work on his own issues, best to live apart.

After an extreme incident I forced him to move home with his parents. The plan was for me to relocate there. You’re absolutely right though I keep finding myself getting hooked into being responsible for him and making excuses and forgiving him. I don’t want that anymore. I wish it was solely suicide attempts, it’s rages breaking things and a handful of times where I’ve been pushed or knocked out of the way. Or had to disarm him.

I haven’t broke the news yet... .right now he’s mad and not talking to me. Without realizing it he’s pushing me away from him and towards a healthy separation.


Thank you, I feel like I’m not alone in this and a lot more confident in my decision.

[Cat Familiar]

His temper will make me question my decisions and if I’m doing the right thing.

Wow! That's a really interesting comment that makes me evaluate lots of my own personal history. Having had three pwBPD in close proximity all my life (mother, 1st H, 2nd H), I've been constantly perplexed and amazed by their extreme and ephemeral temper tantrums about seemingly insignificant things. (2nd H not so much)

And because I'm an easygoing person, I always figured "if it means that much to them, well, OK." Great manipulation technique and I just bought right into it.   

Thanks for saying it like that. 

[eggfry]

Cat Familiar,
That has to be a lot of weight on your shoulders. You deserve an award, I can't imagine dealing with the chaos of more than one p/w BPD. The words thrown out during an outburst can really make you question your actions and thoughts. Looking back, I can see there was many a time I'd be talked out of something because I felt like I was doing something wrong from the amount of anger I was on the receiving end of.

[Teno]

His temper will make me question my decisions and if I’m doing the right thing.

I've just finished reading Patricia Evens book: Controlling people and this is my take from it.

I saw it tonight, choosing a color and painting a room. Reason after reason why the color is wrong, you should use your time better etc. and plus that face of disapproval. She's lost, where is he? Who is this guy choosing a color. Am I loosing my guy. He must be wrong to be my guy. Fear of abandonment.

[eggfry]

UPDATE
Thanks for the encouragement and positivity. We decided to call it quits... .it didn’t seem like therapy was in the cards. A lot of excuses but he acknowledged that things were getting worse not better. I was firm about therapy and getting help. We agreed that this was better done apart. I don’t think I could’ve stood my ground had I not had you amazing people supporting me. Thank you a million times, thank you