I think I'm completely done

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just come off a two week break from work after having to buy the leave in order to take it and get my mental health back in line. My pwBPD was relentless during this period. Second night in we had watched a late movie and I was ready to go to sleep at 12.30am when she hands me two full written pages of tasks, chores and expectations for the two weeks I had off (it was the first 2 weeks I have had at home since 2016). Every day I was constantly asked when I am going to do this or that and would add another 6-12 things to take into consideration or have to do for her every time she thinks of something. She was pissed off at me because I hadn't finished building her large greenhouse and spent 4 hours each day over last 3 days to get it done for her. When I was trying to move it, she threw a fit because I spent about 60 seconds fining some garden clippers to cut an overhanging branch which kept hitting it and she was waiting too long for me to get it done. She ended the holiday by telling me how she does literally everything, I do nothing and she just constantly begs for help every second. Heard her complain loudly on the phone to someone that "my husband is worthless and does jack ___".

Today was my first day back at work and got inundated with text after text, paragraph after paragraph how much I don't do what she wants. And that she has tried everything, from threats and ultimatums to begging, guilt trips or constant badgering. To be honest I don't even want to help her anymore as it is thrown back in my face repeatedly. Now she wants a divorce and her two week trip to see family next month she said she is never coming back. I am in suicide prevention counselling, and I have nothing left to give and lost hope of being able to manage this. I'm not perfect but I don't deserve any of this. I have lost hope and want to disappear complete from her life. I think I have finally reached that point of no return.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Just come off a two week break from work after having to buy the leave in order to take it and get my mental health back in line. My pwBPD was relentless during this period. Second night in we had watched a late movie and I was ready to go to sleep at 12.30am when she hands me two full written pages of tasks, chores and expectations for the two weeks I had off (it was the first 2 weeks I have had at home since 2016). Every day I was constantly asked when I am going to do this or that and would add another 6-12 things to take into consideration or have to do for her every time she thinks of something. She was pissed off at me because I hadn't finished building her large greenhouse and spent 4 hours each day over last 3 days to get it done for her. When I was trying to move it, she threw a fit because I spent about 60 seconds fining some garden clippers to cut an overhanging branch which kept hitting it and she was waiting too long for me to get it done. She ended the holiday by telling me how she does literally everything, I do nothing and she just constantly begs for help every second. Heard her complain loudly on the phone to someone that "my husband is worthless and does jack ___".

Today was my first day back at work and got inundated with text after text, paragraph after paragraph how much I don't do what she wants. And that she has tried everything, from threats and ultimatums to begging, guilt trips or constant badgering. To be honest I don't even want to help her anymore as it is thrown back in my face repeatedly. Now she wants a divorce and her two week trip to see family next month she said she is never coming back. I am in suicide prevention counselling, and I have nothing left to give and lost hope of being able to manage this. I'm not perfect but I don't deserve any of this. I have lost hope and want to disappear complete from her life. I think I have finally reached that point of no return.

[Red5]

Good evening Burnt Out,

Hey Man you are NOT alone, there are many of us here that feel the same way as you !

I have lost hope and want to disappear complete from her life. I think I have finally reached that point of no return.

I have been there/here as you describe many times over the last seven years that I have been married to my u/BPD wife, let me tell you Brother, oh’yeah!... .I get the exact same $hit from my W... .

I guess “FOG” keeps me going at the moment, my W can be especially nasty also... .she also has a “laundry list” a fricken mile long that she is always beating me over the head with... .and leave from work, we just recently took about ten daze and flew up north to see her Son, I knew how it was gong to go, and she did not let me down, Intold myself after several travels together over the years that I would NOT travel with her again, but I gave in, and it was a fricken disaster $hit show from begining to end, will Inever learn... .

Listen man... .you are going to survive this, what do you really want, as for me, if my W took off and left tomorrow, I’d be happier than a than all get out!

Yes I would, .listen Man, you take care of yourself ok, take is easy, do something for you, BPD is going to rage... .and be general pains in the arse, that’s what they do... .H3LL I am getting the “treatment” right now form mine pa/BPD... .yes, and mine can be a very obtuse flavor of “nasty”... .

I was married before... .for twenty two years... .“that one”, yeah she almost killed me, but I survived that divorce, and then I, like a fool signed up again... .what in the world was I thinking  !

Yes, take care of yourself Man, your gonna be just fine, there is a whole wonderful world out there beyond “crazy”, I know as I was there for about five years before I thought I needed to be married again.

Hang in there Burnt Out,

Red5

[BurntOutFromBPD]

The last 2 weeks was basically just a last ditch effort to get a break from all the drama and stress, chill and get back on top of my life. It seems like she resents any second I am at home that is not serving her directly in some way and made it as difficult and against my wishes as much as possible. She booked two weeks by herself to go overseas and overheard her on the phone telling her mum to not tell anyone so she has no plans or schedules during HER 2 week break. I dont even think she seems me as a separate entity, because its like my break became her opportunity to take as much advantage and squeeze as much out of me as humanly possible, and thinks nothing of demanding the same for her.

If she left in 6 weeks and never came back I would survive, but I have given up so much of myself for this relationship. I am no longer on speaking terms because of issues with my family and my relationships, the only support / outlet I have at the moment other than here is my Suicide Support counsellor. As for what I want, I just want peace and happiness and get out from under everyones expectations, dramas or judgement. Thats all I want in life now.

[Red5]

My W left for ten days a while back... .and it was a much needed break for me, .I would love for mine to “leave” for two weeks !

Damn, you’re lucky there man!

As for me, until I came upon this BPD explanation... .I was also very “lost” in this, but in the last fifteen months I have begun to learn the tools in order to deal with her, unfortunate in the midst I am beginning to realize more and more that this marriage is “not really a marriage”.

I too just want peace and quite, and I want to be free of this caretaking that Inhave resolves myself too, I no longer, of I really ever even did: have a functioning wife.

I am fifty two years old, and I am too old for this $hit anymore, sad to say that, but it’s becoming more and more evident every day to me now.

I am tired to Burnt Out,

As far as family and friends it is quite common for pw/BPD to wreck havoc in this area, these boards are chocked full of “my BPD wife hates” my mom, dad, sister, brother, friends etc’... .another reason right ?

Wow, two weeks... .you are a lucky fella!

Hang in there,

Red5
 

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Right now I am ready to move out, get a small rental, start playing music again and shut her completely and totally out. This isn't a marriage, and today I really came to the conclusion I have to get away from this and if I don't it will utterly destroy me. 2 weeks at home with my wife gave me a glimpse of what a future with her would be like when we have quality time together.

I am no longer Human to her, got another text this afternoon demanding I sign the entire house over to her because its only "fair". I am supposed to go out with her tomorrow night. Uggggh. I know what I have to do, I just can't bring myself to do it (leaving / disappearing I mean).

[BurntOutFromBPD]

... .And she's pregnant. She asked me to get a pregancy test so I got a pack for her. And its positive. I know its not 100% and better for the 2nd in the morning. There is a good chance it is a false positive or not take, because that has happened before many years ago. Or it could be the real deal. To be honest part of me is in a part of my life where I need to start again one way or another and would be thrilled to have another child. Another part of me is worried that it will be used as a way of keeping me around and under constant catering to her needs.

The normal behaviour of little comments on anything i didnt put away, or asking me why I am doing something (that she keeps asking me to do but I guess it wasnt when she wanted so its not ok). And she is still adamant on selling the house and leaving ASAP because I havent finished it in her timeline and dont have an appropriate plan to present to her as to when I will have it finished. And she  got mad it took me more than 15 seconds to google whether its ok to eat baked beans while pregnant because her food was ready and hasn't eaten all day and is waiting too long for me to google that at the same time as putting the dogs out and cleaning their mess because even though I couldnt see it she has super smelling sense now and can smell it in the hall. Oh and I found out I'm really terrible at folding clothes. Whether this is really happening or not, the rollercoaster continues.

[Enabler]

Hey BurntOutFromBPD,

Congratulations on being a soon to be Daddy, it's a blessing regardless of what happens.

Sounds like you're very much the hen-pecked husband and you're in some super thick FOG. By the sounds of things you have reached a low, okay suicide could be a further low, but I think you're better than that. Useless people don't build greenhouses and do tasks, useless people sit about scratching their nuts... .SO... .we've establish that Mrs BOF BPD is a load of rubbish talking moany pants and YOU are actually pretty USEFUL and that on it's own is a good reason to keep living.

Would you say Mrs BOF BPD was full utilised? If the answer is no, how many things on the list would you say that she was PHYSICALLY incapable of doing herself. Not having the knowledge isn't an excuse anymore, we have YouTube.

What happens if you push back or even stand your ground and say "No, that is not acceptable!"?

Enabler

[Red5]

Good morning Burnt Out!,

Wow, another kid!, .I have three, but they are all grown up now and on their own, save my oldest who is autistic and lives with me permanently, along with u/BPD wife (step mom).

Kids as you know are a huge responsibility, but as Enable says, a true blessing... .yes they are my friend.

Listen, after I got into work here, and gave your post more thought, and as I read what you wrote over again, I can see something that really sticks out to me, and Enabler has echoed this.

Your wife is kinda "outa control" here, in my humble opinion, the term “roughshod” comes to mind... .an understatement correct!

Ok, that said, .I don't know how long you have been married, where you live (globally), and you are writing that you already have another child, is this yours and hers together?... .and she is really giving you the what for about a myriad of things, to include text bombing you at work, this is NOT respecting boundaries, either said or unsaid boundaries... .so BOOM!, there it is Burnt Out, your wife is all up in your grill man, seems all the time… she is not respecting your space, your que, your boundaries!

We need to change this... .and if it works, and you are diligent in enforcing your boundaries, a lot of this clap-trap will stop, and be somewhat abated... .I know how it is when "they" come after you, and never cease the "nagging"... and blah blah blah's... .not fun.

But be advised, setting and enforcing boundaries is not for the faint at heart, especially with a pw/BPD. It takes time, and persistence, and there is going to be “push back”… but if you stick to it, and you are steadfast, things will change, over time.

I looked at your profile, and see that you have been here since May this year, .so I wanted to ask you, have you looked through this website and checked out all the references, and "tools" as they are called; used to mitigate the constant disagreements, fighting, and just general $hitty behaviors that you/we are experiencing.

Here is a link for boundaries, a good read... .https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Keep posting Burnt Out, I like many here; can completely concur with what you are feeling, ie’ you are feeling like you are done with the marriage… this is what happens when the non (us) has gotten to a point where he, or she “has had quite enough”.

Completely understandable,

Hang in there!

Red5

[BurntOutFromBPD]

What happens if you push back or even stand your ground and say "No, that is not acceptable!"?

I have been pushing back and standing my ground periodically, although with the constant resistance or revenge for that I have had to learn to pick my battles over the years. We have a difficult relationship but have found some dysfunctional way of staying together  after 17 years somehow. So many ebbs and flows though. I am pushing back right now on a number of things and others just ignoring, as much as my energy can take.anyway.

Ok, that said, ... .I don't know how long you have been married, where you live (globally), and you are writing that you already have another child, is this yours and hers together?

We live in the southern hemisphere but she is from the US. We got married over there and lived there for 5 years before moving back here. We have been married for 17+ years now and we have one child together and she has children from a previous marriage althouhg they are all grown up and live in different places. I have invested a lot of my life to make this marriage work, we did separate once for almost 2 years but it was like losing multiple limbs. I couldnt cope and neither could she and eventually got back together and have been for over 5 years now.

I looked at your profile, and see that you have been here since May this year, ... .so I wanted to ask you, have you looked through this website and checked out all the references, and "tools" as they are called; used to mitigate the constant disagreements, fighting, and just general $hitty behaviors that you/we are experiencing.

Here is a link for boundaries, a good read ... .https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I have read through a number articles here and 3 books now on BPD. I have tried a few of the suggestions but need much more practice and have to rered them again when I can process things better. I have to keep reading them over and over. Its easier to do that when out of the FOG though. My life has been so overwhemling everything that I know or should know seems to go out the window and my brain goes blank or unable to focus fully. Not just with things I have read but all the time now. I have thoughts of suicide but they dont go too far anymore thankfully, I am in prevention counselling and have enough tools from that side to stay alive. At the very least I still have a daugther. Maybe another one, or a son. I am less worried about being a father again than I am with coparenting (together or separate). That geniunely fills me with dread.

[Enabler]

Couple of things, one observation and more info:

Can you tell us what happened when you separated before, why did you split, what happened during and how did you get back together? Did you cut an arm off to get back with her?

Pushing back or leaning into things needs to be consistent. By being inconsistent about her boundary bashing, you are essentially saying "please test me every time to find out if this time I'm going to be flaky or not". This is not how you 'want' things BUT it is how things are, and from what you're suggesting, this is how things have been and will be for some time.

What specifically do you think we can help with initially. I'm guessing it's not the relentless tasks which are getting you down, more the relentless criticism, emasculation and lack of gratitude. 

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Burnt,
I had this same sort of torrent of constant criticism from my first husband. It got to the point where I lost confidence in my own abilities. Obviously you are very capable, but anyone who withstands this sort of abuse becomes fatigued over time.

As Enabler has said, inconsistent boundaries invite boundary busting. It's difficult, but not impossible, to break longstanding patterns. I don't have the same sorts of issues with BPD husband #2, but what I've learned is to think of myself as an immovable boulder in those situations when someone wants something from me that I'm not interested in providing.

They can push all they want, but I'm not going anywhere. And I'm happy and quiet in my "boulderness". If they truly want whatever it is, they'll need to do it themselves.

Cat

[LongGame]

You are getting good advice here. Boundaries are the key.

Well enforced boundaries will be very difficult at first but will allow you to step off what my T calls the “crazy train”. They almost allow you to observe the relationship like a movie, in my experience. You can start to see the behaviors of your spouse for what they are and not allow yourself to be controlled by them.

The book called “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend is super helpful. It takes an evangelical Christian perspective but even if that is not your thing it has a ton of great tips.

[raiano18]

This (sadly) sounds so familiar to me... .my fiancé! We started off with a great relationship. We were constantly traveling, doing things we loved, enjoying our time together, and when we weren't together nothing felt right. 8 months of that and then she got pregnant, and EVERYTHING changed. It went from being the best/happiest ive ever felt, to feeling helpless and alone. We fought constantly. It was more her blaming me for cheating or not caring about her. She now hates my family, and our daughter is 2 months now. She blames me for everything, not the good though. I waited on her hand and foot her whole pregnancy, but guess what... .her "entire pregnancy experience and experience as a mother is horrible" Why? because of ME! The one who made her breakfast day after day before my laboring job of 8 hour shifts, washed and folded clothes day after day, cooked dinner, cleaned our house weekly, washed dishes, paid for every little unnessesary thing she needed while she was pregnant, put up with being accused of everything, belittled day after day, got the nursey ready from top to bottom with NO help. It was a nightmare for me. Now, im miserable. I have no friends, my family isn't allowed to watch the baby, she hates my mother, and im stuck. Im only with her for the baby. She has physically and mentally abused me. I cant take much more. I seriously feel like a slave. I work Mon-Fri 9-5 and when I get home I wish I was back to work, because I go home and have to watch after the baby (which I absolutely love doing), cook dinner, clean the kitchen, clean the bedroom because that's where she spends all of her time, clean up after the cat, its just constant. I could handle it, but that on top of the mood swings, the accusations, the hate, the love, the constant turmoil, its getting to be too much. Everyday I wake up with the thought "what will today bring?". Its a struggle and Im getting to the end of my rope. I do love her, but is this worth it? Would I be happier if I moved on, got split custody, a PFA and lived alone? This thought runs through my head daily. Some nights I cant even sleep in the same bed as her because im disgusted by the things shes said to me... .I just keep hoping for the best outcome. Good luck! You can PM me if you ever need support, because I get it. All. Too. Well.

[Enabler]

Having a baby is stressful and actually pretty f scary. Someone with emotional sensitivity will find this period very difficult from a stress and fear perspective and this anger cannot be directed at the baby... .as that doesn’t necessarily fit well with someone who’s trying to avoid being ‘bad’. So, it gets dumped on you, it has to go to someone, someone has to be to blame and it can’t be her, and at this stage it can’t be the baby. If baby is sick... .it’s got to be because you looked at her the wrong way. If baby has a cold, it has to be from your work rather than the baby toddler group your wife took her to. Blame and fear are expressed as anger and that has to go to someone.

Your job if you want to improve your situation is to take the following steps:
- is this anything to do with me? Always be accountable
- if the answer is no, listen in a non-judgmental way and hear her... .remember, whatever she says, however personal, this is still not about you, you’ve ascertained that already.
- see throigh all the words and try and find meaning and more importantly emotion in what she is saying. Is she scared?
- find some part of what she is saying that is true and validate it. Do not be tempted to validate the things that aren’t true.
- choose your words carefully and use them sparingly.

Have a good read of the tools section. You are doing a good job, you know that and you don’t need her to tell you that. Do not rely on her to tell you.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Well shes definitely pregnant. Wow, I am still kind of numb with it all. Will found out sometime next week if all is progressing ok, but if the baby carries to term this would indeed be a miracle and both of us have wanted another child over the last few years (not at the same time though). Part of me is really worried about how we will cope together trying to co-parent again, but another part wonders if this will soften some of the recent hard edges and she would be trying to create peace and calm around her instead of chaos and disorder.

I made it clear I was trying to understand exactly what she is needing from me specifically that I am not providing, and that I can help her much better and have a happier environment and support her more if I am not living under a cloud of resentment, and threat of separation/divorce.

How tough is it to be the "Supportive Husband" during these times, while trying to create or maintain boundaries and be a complete immovable rock? What do you do during times when all physical and mental energy is exhausted and the push back keeps coming?

[Enabler]

Congratulations, that great news.

One quick point on the topic of parenting. Typically the utopia would be that you have 2 parents with exactly the same parenting style, both parents are consistent in that style, maybe one is typically firmer than the other but both tend to react in a consistent way. You are capable of this, do some work on learning about parenting styles, pick on that suits and stick with it. Authoritive works for me, a can’t handle the chaos of passive and authoritarian is too restrictive and leaves you exposed to abuse accusations by W... .and it’s not good for kids development. You wife will not be able to stick to one type of parenting style, there’s lilely to many stressors that will mean she flips from passive to authoritarian. Think about that now whilst you have a chance.

Re jobs and tasks for baby, try and encourage conversations and potentially document roles. That way you know what is within your boundary and what is within hers. Do not allow her to casually chuck responsibilities over the proverbial fence into your domain. Protect your borders and take no critisism for things that are in her domain. This may involve sitting with some emotional pain and emotional fallout from her.

Do you journal? I didn’t but I do now. Not only is it good for your sanity but given the high vol of the relationship it’s a good record of you parenting participation if it should ever come into consideration. iPhone notes is good but make sure it’s on the phone memory not on any shared email account and make sure the phone is safe from her. Detail specific events such as what happens in arguements, dates times and especially physical abuse.

Would you be able to share an example of an incident with a bit of he said she said so we can see how confrontation evolves?

Enabler

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Would you be able to share an example of an incident with a bit of he said she said so we can see how confrontation evolves?

Enabler

Hi Enabler,

Most recent incident on the weekend, it was about 5am and I woke up to my pwBPD calling me from the bathroom as she was sick asking me to take care of teh puppies. I did so without question, took them outside to go to bathroom and took them in my room to have a nap around 5.30am before they wake up again. I let them play around a bit around 7-7.30am before getting up, I was just laying down with my door open listening. My wife wakes up screaming, angry and storms in my room saying

"You NEVER do ANYTHING I ask you ever, and this is why I am leaving you".

Me: you asked me to take the dogs, I did so, took them out to go to bathroom, layed them down for a nap, gave them some food and let them play while I rested my head for a minute.

"YOU DONT DO ANYTHING, I COULD HAVE DONE THAT, LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, THIS IS WHY I CANT GET ANY HELP FROM YOU EVER, AND WHY I AM LEAVING YOU."

After this point I was just fed up told her "I am sick of nothing being good enough and being told I do nothing while I am literally doing what you ask, and Im fed up with you threatening to leave me every second something isnt exactly what you want at any particular second of the day"

This is the kind of confrontation that happens frequently now. Always absolute statements relating to me not "meeting her needs" at any particular time and that I never do anything for her ever. Its become so ingrained, I dont know if it will ever go away. I am supposed to be a father again, yet I have been convinced over the years, I am a terrible father and terrible husband and no matter what I do I am continuing to be convinced of this. No matter how much I stick up for myself or walk away whenever it is like this, I am on edge waiting for the next one. And every weekend I am going through panic attacks over this stuff.

I dont want to leave and I do want to be a father again and be a family. But I cant find any happiness or peace in this situation.

[Enabler]

Morning BOF,

So, whilst I avoid trying to second guess what is going through her head and what her motivations are for these comments one things is pretty clear. She defines what is and isn't acceptable for you to be doing and you justify, argue, defend and explain (JADE) in response to her outbursts. No one likes to be told they are a bad person especially when they have been thoughtful, caring and carried out instructions. It feels unjust and hits to the very core of what is important to us.

So, here's the tricky part. Don't JADE, at all. Every time you JADE you basically feed the beast and invalidate her feelings about your motivations. You want to correct her narrative because you believe her narrative is incorrect. She believes her narrative is correct and no amount of explanation is going to change that for her. YOU KNOW that you carried out instructions and you did the best for the puppies... .have faith in yourself and move on. Nothing to say, no reaction needed. Ask yourself next time, ":)o I need to respond at all to these statements. Do I need to give them 1 second of my attention?"

It won't make her comments go away in the near term but you will start to train her that these insults and accusations go nowhere and you waste no energy defending yourself to her. If she wants to pick a fight or hurt someone... .join a box-fit club.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

So, here's the tricky part. Don't JADE, at all. Every time you JADE you basically feed the beast and invalidate her feelings about your motivations. You want to correct her narrative because you believe her narrative is incorrect. She believes her narrative is correct and no amount of explanation is going to change that for her. YOU KNOW that you carried out instructions and you did the best for the puppies... .have faith in yourself and move on. Nothing to say, no reaction needed. Ask yourself next time, ":)o I need to respond at all to these statements. Do I need to give them 1 second of my attention?"

It won't make her comments go away in the near term but you will start to train her that these insults and accusations go nowhere and you waste no energy defending yourself to her. If she wants to pick a fight or hurt someone... .join a box-fit club.

Thank you Enabler, I appreciate your advice. Its just so hard to maintain no reaction as the worst attacks are usually when Im tired or distracted. I have given up trying to understand what she really thinks anymore. Im just beaten down, I have another child on the way and she is still threatening to leave or divorce me at the drop of a hat. This morning, I took the dogs out and turned on the fireplace for 15 minutes to warm up before leaving. One of them followed me and she flipped out at me for why is the dog in the living room, you never help me etc etc. All I replied with is that I went in there 30 seconds ago to turn on the heater and the dog followed me and was waiting for him to follow me out.

I cant get past feeling like every second of every day of my life is being completely judged and resented by her. Whatever I do, whether its an instruction or just something I am doing myself, she is looking for something to attack. She is looking for ANYTHING to justify all this crap going on in her head. If I can navigate past one issue and hold my head up, she comes down tenfold on another. I just dont know if I have the strength and resolve anymore to continue to manage the impact of the behaviour.

I have no friendships or meaningful relationships outside of my marriage, I am estranged from my older daughter, not speaking with my personal family. I have to constantly battle the suicidal thoughts which came back over the last few months. I have another reason now to need to be alive, and I need to stay that way. Im just completely dead inside though.

[Enabler]

Buddy... .this is mega mega tough and it sucks that people even want to do this to other people. You’re right to try and avoid working out what’s going on in your wife’s head... .it’s likely nothing to do with you and likely all to do with her. Some people on the boards suggest thinking of a giant pink elephant in the room with you when she blabbering on about this that and the other, that works well.

There comes a point though where you need to stand up for yourself. You need to say “STOP”.

Does your wife get significant abandonment fears when you leave?

[BurntOutFromBPD]

There comes a point though where you need to stand up for yourself. You need to say “STOP”.

 I have said "STOP, please just STOP" many times during arguments or outbursts and usually have to walk away after saying that. Sometimes I have to say it multiple times.  But I have not been able to do this consistently. Like I mentioned before its usually when I am in stronger in mind that I can detach from what she is saying and just say Stop! or Enough!. Most other times I find myself going down that JADE path you mentioned. Usually when I am not prepared or expecting it, if I'm letting my guard down, or just physically or mentally exhausted.

Does your wife get significant abandonment fears when you leave?

A couple of months ago I left for a few days to get away from everything when it was at its peak. Things have never been the same with her since. My days have gone back and forth between constant nitpicking, fights, threats, ultimatums from her to acting like nothing ever happened. Although the calm hasn't lasted more than 3-4 days at most before going back again. At no time has she taken the constant threat of divorce/separation off the table and it has been used as an aggressive tactic for some time now. She knows the emotional impact it has on me and has been hammering that particular button like crazy.

[Enabler]

How can you take the power out of that punch?

What would happen if you accepted that as a reality and showed her the BS card?

What would your life look like post a divorce? Can you visualise that?

Every time she threatens you with that you go into a tail spin. It works at making you feel terrible. Next time she says it, say to her "okay, lets look into getting a legal mediator, divorce is not something I want nor plan for but I'm not going to hold you in this marriage if you want out. You are free to leave whenever you like." ... .now what ya gonna do hey? Bet she doesn't leave.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

How can you take the power out of that punch?

What would happen if you accepted that as a reality and showed her the BS card?

What would your life look like post a divorce? Can you visualise that?

Every time she threatens you with that you go into a tail spin. It works at making you feel terrible. Next time she says it, say to her "okay, lets look into getting a legal mediator, divorce is not something I want nor plan for but I'm not going to hold you in this marriage if you want out. You are free to leave whenever you like." ... .now what ya gonna do hey? Bet she doesn't leave.

She had a few comments during the divorce threats and arguments about me not wanting to go to counselling and refusing to change etc etc. I just ignored it this time taking your advise not to JADE, had a talk with my counseller on the phone who suggested she come to a session. I told my wife she is welcome to attend our next session. She said she would think about it and hasnt mentioned a word about divorce / separation or marriage counselling or refusing to help since then. She has snapped at me a few times as usual but I can tell she is holding herself back and trying to be nicer the last day or so. Small victory maybe?

[Enabler]

Top work again. You gently showed the BS card and showed her that your world was open to her and you always were willing. It’s taken the power out of the punch and put the ball firmly back in her court. Keep tapping that ball back to her and let her fumble around with it.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

So my wife attended my counselling session with me as I offered to her. It was an absolute disaster. While my therapist explained why I had been seeing her and the issues I had been going through and that she offered to sit in on a session and get some perspective and maybe help work with some of the current issues. My wife decided this was "Marriage Counselling" and the only reason she was there was to address all the current issues ruining our marriage, which basically were me and everything that I wouldnt change.

It was so horrible, I had said to myself before the meeting I would just sit back and listen to what she had to say and not react. But it was a long series of verbal listings of every single thing I have not done for her not just in the last few months or years but the entire marriage. That she had worked with her counsellor and agreed on the things I needed to change and that if I didnt the marriage was over and my inability to help her and change has destroyed our marriage. I was told I do 0% of anything ever, she has carried me for 17+ years and now she is done and wants to leave immediately. Blamed me for every problem, issue and that I am subliminallly getting sick just to take attention away from her.

By the end of the session, I just had my head in my hands, I was shaking and I could barely even speak. Even now I am feeling sick to the stomach thinking about it. She made comments stating that she completely ignores and doesnt even regard any thing I have to say back to her as she is 100% convinced she is right and I am not so there is no point. She left to go back to the car and my therapist pulled me aside, said I had to get away ASAP and suggested I admit myself immediately to a psychiatric hospital. I said no as I had been there many years before and was one of the most unpleasant, unhelpful experiences I ever had so I would be better helping myself.

Since then my wife has basically not even acknowledged it whatsoever, is acting nice to me and making little comments of appreciating little things I do. But I dont beleive its any change, I think she is trying to prove to herself she does thank me when she needs to , and can still justify everything else she says and believes and has turned it around again that there is nothing abnormal about what she is doing. So far I havent reacted and been doing what I normally do, helping and doing the same things I always have. But inside I am just completely and totally disintegrated. I dont know how long I can keep up the tools and stay in this situation.

[Cat Familiar]

That sounds unbelievably painful to have had to listen to your wife blame you for every single issue and conflict from 17 years of marriage. Hearing that she completely ignores what you say had to be devastating.     Now all that is in the open, with your therapist as a witness, what are you thinking regarding the future of this relationship?

Whether or not you stay in this marriage, the tools will protect you from much of her wrath. In the meantime, you might think of yourself as being "undercover"--doing what you typically do, but meanwhile, planning out your strategy for the future.

[Red5]

So my wife attended my counselling session with me as I offered to her. It was an absolute disaster.

My wife decided this was "Marriage Counselling" and the only reason she was there was to address all the current issues ruining our marriage, which basically were me and everything that I wouldnt change.

It was so horrible,

I was told I do 0% of anything ever, she has carried me for 17+ years and now she is done and wants to leave immediately. Blamed me for every problem, issue and that I am subliminallly getting sick just to take attention away from her.

By the end of the session, I just had my head in my hands, I was shaking and I could barely even speak.

She made comments stating that she completely ignores and doesnt even regard any thing I have to say back to her as she is 100% convinced she is right and I am not so there is no point.

She left to go back to the car and my therapist pulled me aside, said I had to get away ASAP and suggested I admit myself immediately to a psychiatric hospital. I said no as I had been there many years before and was one of the most unpleasant, unhelpful experiences I ever had so I would be better helping myself.

Since then my wife has basically not even acknowledged it whatsoever, is acting nice to me and making little comments of appreciating little things I do.

... .I am just completely and totally disintegrated. I dont know how long I can keep up the tools and stay in this situation.

Good Afternoon Burnt Out,

I cannot count the times I have read... .

... ."never ever ever go to joint "counseling/therapy" with a pw/BPD; significant other"... ."don't do it" !

The list of reasons why is "myriad"... .but your post just seems prove the afore mentioned point once again.

Very sorry that you had to endure this, I've been in the particular hot seat myself a couple of times, it ain't fun; I know.

Best wishes,

Red5

[maxsterling]

Just wanted to say, I've read your posts and I get it.  The giant no-win situation to the point that things like self harm make sense when you previously wondered how anyone would do something like that. 

I hate taking time off work because I know it will be more stressful at home.  Road trip with my wife?  I dread the stress.  A "vacation" to me is a leisurely day at work where I don't have to answer numerous text messages or am not begged to come home early.

Today she was driving me to work.  Big mistake.  She started on me before we left the driveway because she forgot her glasses.  Somehow that was my fault.  I simply could not take it for the remaining 20 minutes to work.  After she wouldn't stop yelling at me in the car I got out at a red light and took public transportation.  I'd rather that than listen to her scream at me and call me names while trapped in a car (with the kids in the back seat).

Sounds like you really need a break, and any way to take that break winds up more stress.  Do you ever sometimes hope for a big fight so that way you will be on the sofa in your "own space" at least for a few hours?  I do.

Take care of yourself,

Max

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Whether or not you stay in this marriage, the tools will protect you from much of her wrath. In the meantime, you might think of yourself as being "undercover"--doing what you typically do, but meanwhile, planning out your strategy for the future.

That's basically where I am at now. I am doing what I normally do, not intentionally doing less or more, just my usual. Since then I have now had multiple comments last morning and night, how much I seem to be doing and putting in the effort since our session, and that she notices and appreciates it. I am literally doing the same as usual.

[Cat Familiar]

Ironically, when you quit jumping through hoops trying to please them, they often start noticing and appreciating what you're doing.

I've been enjoying getting a better response by doing less.