I think I'm completely done

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

BurntOut,

I am not a professional and I have had no formal training whatsoever, your T has... .so please take that into account when you read my comments below about MY PERSONAL experience.

I have been seeing my T since Apr17
I have asked my T on numerous occasions whether he believes I have BPD or NPD
He said he did not believe I have a personality disorder
I would call myself a reactive-non... .pretty toxic... .I have a compunction to correct the narrative and react to my W's dysregulations and accusation. I personalise(d) them
In the darkest points of the last 2 years I have had suicidal thoughts, I've thought that if I took myself out the equation things would be better for everyone... .then I actually thought about it and realised that couldn't be FURTHER from the truth... .but yes, I still thought it.
I was definitely prone to serious anger and violence against 'things', almost unhinged when my situation becomes so utterly intolerable and I'm being accused of things that are just not true.

BUT... .
I'm one of the most contrarian/in the grey people I know
I had a good upbringing with no childhood trauma
I have never self harmed
I have never had suicidal thoughts pre late adult life events and relationship issues
I have a healthy relationship with drugs and alcohol, prescription meds and exercise... .small exclusion is nicotine
I have never once been unfaithful to any partner
Pre being in a BPD relationship I had an excellent control of my emotions, so much so I'd say I was boring (hence attraction to BPD W)
I have excellent executive function
I have excellent delayed gratification skills... .too good in fact
I rarely lie and in fact am typically too honest
I have no dellusions
My recollection of facts is consistent... .backed up evidence
I am capable of deep honest personal introspection
I am happy to be held accountable
I don't deflect... .much
I don't think I project
I'm a solutions guy not a blame guy


Yet when I am around my W and interacting in her dance... .I could probably be seen as just as BPD if not more since my reactions to her bla bla were more aggressive and more vocal. Hell even the couples counselor we saw thought I had a screw loose and told my wife so.

It's called catching flees... .

What you should try to untangle is, what is you, and what is the relationship. What parts of your anxiety and PTSD are tied to you being triggered by the behaviors in the relationship, and what are externalities due to your own issues. You may well have BPD traits now in this moment... .Why? Because BPD traits are the normal human results of sustained high stress and anxiety.

Why do you two still have a draw to each other? Because you have years and years of shared experience, in any relationship there's an element of enmeshment, but more so in a relationship with someone with BPD... .also, in some way shape of form your different personalities compliment each other, she has something you need, you have something she needs.

I'm not teeing up excuses for you, and you would be a fool to adopt my personal rationale without serious soul searching... .If you decide, do DBT therapy, I'm sure those skills will be helpful for you, they're probably helpful to anyone. Keep learning about you, keep learning about BPD and keep building yourself up. If you like the BPD badge, wear it with pride.

Enabler

[Enabler]

BurntOut,

I am not a professional and I have had no formal training whatsoever, your T has... .so please take that into account when you read my comments below about MY PERSONAL experience.

I have been seeing my T since Apr17
I have asked my T on numerous occasions whether he believes I have BPD or NPD
He said he did not believe I have a personality disorder
I would call myself a reactive-non... .pretty toxic... .I have a compunction to correct the narrative and react to my W's dysregulations and accusation. I personalise(d) them
In the darkest points of the last 2 years I have had suicidal thoughts, I've thought that if I took myself out the equation things would be better for everyone... .then I actually thought about it and realised that couldn't be FURTHER from the truth... .but yes, I still thought it.
I was definitely prone to serious anger and violence against 'things', almost unhinged when my situation becomes so utterly intolerable and I'm being accused of things that are just not true.

BUT... .
I'm one of the most contrarian/in the grey people I know
I had a good upbringing with no childhood trauma
I have never self harmed
I have never had suicidal thoughts pre late adult life events and relationship issues
I have a healthy relationship with drugs and alcohol, prescription meds and exercise... .small exclusion is nicotine
I have never once been unfaithful to any partner
Pre being in a BPD relationship I had an excellent control of my emotions, so much so I'd say I was boring (hence attraction to BPD W)
I have excellent executive function
I have excellent delayed gratification skills... .too good in fact
I rarely lie and in fact am typically too honest
I have no dellusions
My recollection of facts is consistent... .backed up evidence
I am capable of deep honest personal introspection
I am happy to be held accountable
I don't deflect... .much
I don't think I project
I'm a solutions guy not a blame guy


Yet when I am around my W and interacting in her dance... .I could probably be seen as just as BPD if not more since my reactions to her bla bla were more aggressive and more vocal. Hell even the couples counselor we saw thought I had a screw loose and told my wife so.

It's called catching flees... .

What you should try to untangle is, what is you, and what is the relationship. What parts of your anxiety and PTSD are tied to you being triggered by the behaviors in the relationship, and what are externalities due to your own issues. You may well have BPD traits now in this moment... .Why? Because BPD traits are the normal human results of sustained high stress and anxiety.

Why do you two still have a draw to each other? Because you have years and years of shared experience, in any relationship there's an element of enmeshment, but more so in a relationship with someone with BPD... .also, in some way shape of form your different personalities compliment each other, she has something you need, you have something she needs.

I'm not teeing up excuses for you, and you would be a fool to adopt my personal rationale without serious soul searching... .If you decide, do DBT therapy, I'm sure those skills will be helpful for you, they're probably helpful to anyone. Keep learning about you, keep learning about BPD and keep building yourself up. If you like the BPD badge, wear it with pride.

Enabler

[Red5]

What you should try to untangle is, what is you, and what is the relationship.

What parts of your anxiety and PTSD are tied to you being triggered by the behaviors in the relationship, and what are externalities due to your own issues. You may well have BPD traits now in this moment... .

Why? Because BPD traits are the normal human results of sustained high stress and anxiety.

It's called catching flees... .

Spot on !

As I look back over the years... .starting when my first wife and I got married, she was sixteen, I was eighteen... .nineteen eighty something,

And as that marriage went on, we grew together, then apart, and all the crazy things that we dealt with, her, .and me... .childhood trauma her, and me being quite immature... .well yes, I think now that I presented many BPD traits over the first eleven or so years we were married.

This is what I now believe, .as Enabler wrote... ."Hell even the couples counselor we saw thought I had a screw loose and told my wife so."

Couple this with, .I had no clue, or idea to even begin to understand what my wife at the time had been through (CSA for years)... .what a mess, especially when she started acting out, and slipping away.

I think, if one (us the Non) is aware, becomes aware, thinks that we may be BPD/npd'ish, or whatever; and is trying to learn, to correct, to improve, and deal with what has, and is happening, accepts it... .I am talking about we/you/me, not our sig-other, pw/BPD, either undx, or dx... .then that's a good thing.

I heard a "T" on the you.tube channel say a while back, the people who wonder if they are "crazy" are perhaps the most mentally stable people on earth... .this makes sense to me... .its those who deny, and avoid, those are the folks that are going to crash and burn one day, or for lack of a better word.

Red5

[Enabler]

Without a single shadow of a doubt I would expect you to sit through and participate in a full course of DBT training. I wonder how many Ts would say that of their diagnosed BPD clients?  And maybe you should just to prove me right!

[formflier]

  But now she told me she is 100% convinced I have BPD, that the past trauma and family relationships and the constant need to manage and regulate emotions and the issues with suicidal thoughts, and addictions and the push and pull relationships are what has convinced her.
 

So... .let's be clear here.

Is she giving an opinion or a diagnoses?

Did she do any testing or just go from her experience with you?

Does she have a PhD?  How many years experience?

I would also be curious what she hopes to improve/change in you by sharing her "diagnosis".

FF

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Is she giving an opinion or a diagnoses?

Did she do any testing or just go from her experience with you?

Does she have a PhD?  How many years experience?

I would also be curious what she hopes to improve/change in you by sharing her "diagnosis".

She gave a "strong" opinion. It was not a diagnosis but she made it clear that she is 100% convinced, and based on my past sessions, my personal history shared, and the session with my wife.

I am not sure how many years experience but she has a PhD. I think she wanted to make it clear what she thought I was dealing with and what kind of therapy I needed going forward. I think it was her way of ending the sessions, as she confirmed she does not specialize in this and I would need to see someone who does and she doesn't think she can do much more to help me at this time.

But the truth is the more I read and look back:
- I get severe mood and emotion shifts lasting minutes or hours
- I get upset, offended, insulted very easily
- I have a history of suicide attempts and self harm
- I have a history of substance abuse
- I have severe self worth / confidence / identity issues
- I constantly feel unhappy, empty and unfulfilled
- I have had a history of unstable relationships
- I can either be extremely distant or codependant
- Loss of recollection, memory etc
- I have a childhood history of physical and psychological abuse

I dont think I can really disagree with her but I would like to find someone who does specialise in this area and get a proper diagnosis and treatment / therapy plan.

What you should try to untangle is, what is you, and what is the relationship. What parts of your anxiety and PTSD are tied to you being triggered by the behaviors in the relationship, and what are externalities due to your own issues. You may well have BPD traits now in this moment... .Why? Because BPD traits are the normal human results of sustained high stress and anxiety.

Why do you two still have a draw to each other? Because you have years and years of shared experience, in any relationship there's an element of enmeshment, but more so in a relationship with someone with BPD... .also, in some way shape of form your different personalities compliment each other, she has something you need, you have something she needs.

unfortunately the long running therapy over the years all has childhood and adolescence as the underlying cause of the anxiety disorder. Fear of abandonment, rejection of relationship or the self, and loss or constant changing futures all trigger me. So the relationship triggers memories or learned response, or reiterate some "truth" I have beleived about myself from over the years. I still have a very fractured relationship with my family and they are a very close knit "circle" (its not a constant drama, type family, more judgemental and gossipy). So I think part of my needs for codependecy are part of fulling a hole I never got being part (or apart) from my own family.