Hit, threatened, tormented, and I have no idea what to do

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Dear all, thank you so much for all the excellent ideation. I am finally getting a plan together here.

I visited the police station on the way home last night but the officer in charge of my case was too backed up to talk to me in the time I had, so he asked me to come by again tonight. I will. However, I still plan to tell my wife I reported her hitting me next to the kids to the police over text tonight before I leave work (to avoid her going nuts and calling my office during the work day or something like that). I will tell her the usual, it need go no farther if she stops these behaviors, but if she continues, she is building a file that may contribute to her eventually losing her family. This is step one.

Next, I will contact that social worker as soon as I get a free moment and see if she is willing to talk to me alone. She may certainly be able to provide some resources in childcare. And she could potentially help me to reach out to the sister and be more persuasive in terms of the seriousness of the situation.

I am also giving very serious consideration to telling the accappella group what is happening. Since there are a few members also with children, maybe we could arrange a babysitting arrangement during the class. Or in the worst case scenario where I end up bringing the kids with me most of the time, at least everyone is prepared for that.

I think it also may be necessary to discuss the situation with my supervisor at work to avoid me having to make up lots of excuses in the future like at my last job.

I also messaged two counselors I have worked with here to ask if they know any support groups for family of people with mental illness or codependents anonymous groups in the city I live in. If the accapella doesn't work out as a support group maybe I could find one like the above and go under the pretense I have continued my accappela group.  

Lastly, I messaged my dad yesterday telling him to be ready for the worst, which might lead to me asking him to come to this country for a little while, which he has expressed he might be able to do. Of course this is not a long term solution, but like eggfry said it might give me time to get certain things in order without missing too much work.

The overall point is that I can't do this alone, and I don't believe I have to anymore. I am doing better by the people around me to be honest and ask for help than to constantly make up weird excuses. I wouldn't lie if my wife had cancer. This is severe illness in the family, not just a marriage falling apart or something like that.

~ROE

[RolandOfEld]

Dear all, thank you so much for all the excellent ideation. I am finally getting a plan together here.

I visited the police station on the way home last night but the officer in charge of my case was too backed up to talk to me in the time I had, so he asked me to come by again tonight. I will. However, I still plan to tell my wife I reported her hitting me next to the kids to the police over text tonight before I leave work (to avoid her going nuts and calling my office during the work day or something like that). I will tell her the usual, it need go no farther if she stops these behaviors, but if she continues, she is building a file that may contribute to her eventually losing her family. This is step one.

Next, I will contact that social worker as soon as I get a free moment and see if she is willing to talk to me alone. She may certainly be able to provide some resources in childcare. And she could potentially help me to reach out to the sister and be more persuasive in terms of the seriousness of the situation.

I am also giving very serious consideration to telling the accappella group what is happening. Since there are a few members also with children, maybe we could arrange a babysitting arrangement during the class. Or in the worst case scenario where I end up bringing the kids with me most of the time, at least everyone is prepared for that.

I think it also may be necessary to discuss the situation with my supervisor at work to avoid me having to make up lots of excuses in the future like at my last job.

I also messaged two counselors I have worked with here to ask if they know any support groups for family of people with mental illness or codependents anonymous groups in the city I live in. If the accapella doesn't work out as a support group maybe I could find one like the above and go under the pretense I have continued my accappela group.  

Lastly, I messaged my dad yesterday telling him to be ready for the worst, which might lead to me asking him to come to this country for a little while, which he has expressed he might be able to do. Of course this is not a long term solution, but like eggfry said it might give me time to get certain things in order without missing too much work.

The overall point is that I can't do this alone, and I don't believe I have to anymore. I am doing better by the people around me to be honest and ask for help than to constantly make up weird excuses. I wouldn't lie if my wife had cancer. This is severe illness in the family, not just a marriage falling apart or something like that.

~ROE

[RolandOfEld]

Wow, this morning I sent a message to our class WhatsApp group thanking everyone for their understanding last time, and she hacked into my account from my home PC and deleted it! I already resent. If she tries again, I'll just say it in person.

[Radcliff]

Wow, this morning I sent a message to our class WhatsApp group thanking everyone for their understanding last time, and she hacked into my account from my home PC and deleted it! I already resent. If she tries again, I'll just say it in person.

OK, time to do a top-to-bottom survey of your communications vulnerabilities.  You must maintain control of your accounts.  Clear all caches, change your passwords.  Consider not using that computer for anything.  :)o you have a work laptop you can use instead?  I use a cheap $300 Chromebook for Web access.

I'd be careful in how much you tell the a cappella group.  In other words, I wouldn't lean on them for specific support on your situation.  Keep it to a cappella.  But you could say that your wife has substance abuse and mental stability issues -- that much would ring true to them from what they already saw.  You are reaching out for resources and a cappella is your one escape.  That's probably about the right level of detail.  If they ask, you could give general details, like "it's been a rough week," or, "we're seeing a new counselor and I'm hopeful."  But definitely be honest about how you feel, about your mood.  Keep most of the energy focused on a cappella.  W.r.t. child care, perhaps they know someone you could pay as a regular babysitter to keep the kids occupied?  If you're offering to pay, it's less of an ask, and perhaps you'd find other parents to share the cost.

Similarly, I'd be careful about work.  How long have you been working there?  Have they had a chance to become impressed with your work?  Ideally, you can wait until they've formed a good first impression of your work before you reveal to them that you have issues at home.  You want your boss to understand what a valuable asset you are before you ask for his understanding of your vulnerabilities.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Hi WW, the last few minutes have been a charged online battle. I changed the password on my WhatsApp but then somehow so did she (I guess since she's on my home PC). But I changed it again and I think I can keep her out now since its attached to my gmail / phone. I also just changed my gmail and facebook pws. She must be fuming by now. Sad that this is how she is spending the time she should be focusing on the kids. When she hacks my accounts it means we are in high gear regulation mode. Extinction burst likely to follow, especially when I tell her about the police. I expect to start receiving phone calls soon. I will turn off the phone. She doesn't have my office line yet but she might try to get it from her best friend who it turns out works at the same company. If that happens I unplug the phone.

I have a work laptop and you can bet its never going home with me.

Need to enter all out battle mode but also have to do my best to spare the kids a scene tonight. Maybe I'll take them to McDonalds.

~ROE

 

[Cat Familiar]

Wentworth brings up some great points! I’m in total agreement.

You’ve got a taste of being with healthy people. That’s something that you truly need as support as you face the forthcoming issues with your wife. It’s important to strengthen these alliances!

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks, Cat.

The phone calls started. My policy is to answer the first one to confirm no child emergencies and then only allow her to communicate with me over email. It was the usual nonsense and then her claiming that she already called my accappella school to tell them we were getting divorced and would need to arrange for the class in the future (BS I'm sure). I told her I had to get back to work and hung up. The calls to my desk line should start soon as soon as she gets the number from her friend (really bad luck there). I will unplug since I don't get too many calls yet. Not ideal but not too many options here.

~ROE

[RolandOfEld]

Wow, she posted to my school's Facebook about how she is trying to divorce me and I am avoiding her and so the kids will have to go to class with me every time. She has just handed me a) more public evidence of her behavior and b) no choice but to explain to my class what is happening.

[RolandOfEld]

Told her about the police. Some dysregulated email conversation and divorce threats. I'm used to it. Ignoring them now.

Called the social worker. They aren't in office on Fridays but will call me back on Monday. Suppose it will look good on me that I proactively called and was first. Don't suppose too many people who have bad things to hide actively call social workers.

~ROE

[Harley Quinn]

You're right, and you have nothing to hide. Well done for taking the reins on this ROE. I'm so glad you're seeing that you don't have to deal with this alone. 

Do you think your boss would be understanding if you were to put them in the picture?  Personally I always appreciated those kinds of heads up from my team and when I also had need to share with my employer it was good that I did. My ex went on to make false allegations to try to have me fired and my boss protected me from the usual process which would have been more than I could bear at the time.  I'd keep it to the minimum but explain that there could be a chance that there may occasionally be some unusual behaviour because your wife has mental illness. I'd not go into specifics if you're still building relationships there.

Love and light x

[Cat Familiar]

Proactive is far better than reactive. 

What steps might she actually take toward divorce? And if she were to do that what would your strategy be?

Perhaps you could role play with us about how you will notify your class of what is going on and how you might approach your employer.

Such a tough situation, ROE.   

[Red5]

Good Morning Roland,

Very sorry that you are now in the dysregulation zone, I know how that can be... .I passed through the "dysregulation zone" for a while myself last night, it has somewhat abated a little as of this morning.

Same story, my pw/BPD was "slighted", and not treated as she perceived she should have been, and it was not me, but I became the target as the real perpetrators cannot be "touched"... .pw/BPD HAS to have a target to punish.

I want to echo Wentworth, you need to scrub your online conduits, so that your wife cannot access them anymore, .caches, "saved files", & passwords, and also the use of certain laptops, desktops, and phones... .you need to lock it all down, I too have had to do this, and as well, even on your secured devices... .don't leave a trail should she randomly "pick it up".

We used to call this "opsec"... .ie' "operational security", a must when living with a pw/BPD, no way around this.

Also want to repeat what the others have said, you should be proactive, much better than being reactive, ie' pw/BPD attacking, and you constantly reeling from each attack, that is no good.

Protect your job, a little disclosure may be in order, but as Harley Quinn says, "I'd not go into specifics", .only as much as is required for now.

I was stunned about your wife showing up at your class with the little ones, and then summarily dumping them off, but it was absolutely awesome that your class supported you  ... .and this type of supporting behaviors from others can be extremely validating, ie' to have "normal" non's see what is going on, and then offer you "cover", and protection, yes that is priceless !

Hope things are better for you today, keep posting.

Red5

  

[Radcliff]

Red5, we used to call it comsec (communications security) but I remember opsec as well.  Perhaps comsec is part of opsec?  It's been decades... .

Roland, save that Facebook page to a couple different file formats so you can be sure to reproduce it in court if you have to.  Also, hand a printout of it to the social worker.  You want to get out ahead of her on this and make the first impression.  The one who makes the first impression gets a bit lead in credibility (I believe it's called the "primacy effect" but I'd welcome someone to truth-check that!  )  This is not about making her look bad, but you need official folks to understand that you're dealing with a badly disordered person. 

WW

[Harri]

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