Hit, threatened, tormented, and I have no idea what to do

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys, had something pretty awful happen yesterday and for once I'm at an utter loss what to do about it.

Things had been mostly good recently. After 4 years of staying at home with the kids, my uBPDw had just landed her lifetime dream job. This came in huge part from the support I've given her all these years and especially recently. The pressure of me to support our family of four alone was gone, and she could no longer torture me with guilt about her being the one at home. I bought her some jewelry she loved for our anniversary (which she forgot and always forgets). She's been seeing a psychiatrist and on medication for depression and anxiety, and I had some dim hopes that things were on an upward slant, especially since a few months ago I was often going to the police and preparing for a potential separation / custody battle.  

But  I sensed in the last few days that there was still a storm coming. I could see it in her eyes and little twinges of anger. Yesterday I was supposed to leave work on time so she could go do some laser surgery she's wanted for a long time. I got distracted in an important meeting that ran late and forgot and got home about 15 minutes late. This almost NEVER happens and I have an excellent record of being there whenever she needs me. But I knew it was like handing her BPD a steak dinner. She left and still made her appointment, but when she got home later that night I could see immediately she was in major dysregulation mode. I had almost gotten S5 and D2 to sleep (I sleep in a big bed with them these days, my wife sleeps in her own bed next to ours). Tonight I am supposed to start my accapella class, something I signed up for months ago and is extremely important to me to give me some enjoyment in my life. She started talking in a mocking voice about how she had something to do tomorrow night so I wouldn't be able to go. And how even if I didn't come home from work first before class she would leave the kids alone. We argued a little.  She crawled into the bed to hug our daughter and kiss her tonight.  Then she smacked me in the head in front of our two kids, saying "Oops, sorry, slipped." She then proceeded to turn off the AC in the room (we live in in a subtropical country in Asia in a climate she can tolerate far better than any of us).

At this point I'm just laying there in the dark, sweating, between my two sleeping kids, weeping silently. I knew I couldn't do anything about the hitting since it would just escalate in front of the children. I was afraid she was going to take the one thing I had asked for for myself away. I knew if I got up to turn on the AC she would get right up and turn it off again. The best I could do is lie there and wait for her to fall asleep so I could turn it on. I have never felt so helpless.

In the past for things like hitting I have notified the police to put in a record. But I have been divided on this recently since she seemed like she was making progress. I could also call the social worker that her psychiatrist has been pushing us to get in touch with and my wife said she would call, but I don't want to set off a situation that might see us losing the kids. I'm really at a loss and everyone's thoughts would be of huge help.

I plan to go to my class. I do not believe she would leave the kids alone. This has to be an empty threat. I doubt I will enjoy myself much, but I paid my money and its the first class. But I am quite afraid of what I will come home to.  

Thank you everyone,
RolandOfEld

[RolandOfEld]

Hi guys, had something pretty awful happen yesterday and for once I'm at an utter loss what to do about it.

Things had been mostly good recently. After 4 years of staying at home with the kids, my uBPDw had just landed her lifetime dream job. This came in huge part from the support I've given her all these years and especially recently. The pressure of me to support our family of four alone was gone, and she could no longer torture me with guilt about her being the one at home. I bought her some jewelry she loved for our anniversary (which she forgot and always forgets). She's been seeing a psychiatrist and on medication for depression and anxiety, and I had some dim hopes that things were on an upward slant, especially since a few months ago I was often going to the police and preparing for a potential separation / custody battle.  

But  I sensed in the last few days that there was still a storm coming. I could see it in her eyes and little twinges of anger. Yesterday I was supposed to leave work on time so she could go do some laser surgery she's wanted for a long time. I got distracted in an important meeting that ran late and forgot and got home about 15 minutes late. This almost NEVER happens and I have an excellent record of being there whenever she needs me. But I knew it was like handing her BPD a steak dinner. She left and still made her appointment, but when she got home later that night I could see immediately she was in major dysregulation mode. I had almost gotten S5 and D2 to sleep (I sleep in a big bed with them these days, my wife sleeps in her own bed next to ours). Tonight I am supposed to start my accapella class, something I signed up for months ago and is extremely important to me to give me some enjoyment in my life. She started talking in a mocking voice about how she had something to do tomorrow night so I wouldn't be able to go. And how even if I didn't come home from work first before class she would leave the kids alone. We argued a little.  She crawled into the bed to hug our daughter and kiss her tonight.  Then she smacked me in the head in front of our two kids, saying "Oops, sorry, slipped." She then proceeded to turn off the AC in the room (we live in in a subtropical country in Asia in a climate she can tolerate far better than any of us).

At this point I'm just laying there in the dark, sweating, between my two sleeping kids, weeping silently. I knew I couldn't do anything about the hitting since it would just escalate in front of the children. I was afraid she was going to take the one thing I had asked for for myself away. I knew if I got up to turn on the AC she would get right up and turn it off again. The best I could do is lie there and wait for her to fall asleep so I could turn it on. I have never felt so helpless.

In the past for things like hitting I have notified the police to put in a record. But I have been divided on this recently since she seemed like she was making progress. I could also call the social worker that her psychiatrist has been pushing us to get in touch with and my wife said she would call, but I don't want to set off a situation that might see us losing the kids. I'm really at a loss and everyone's thoughts would be of huge help.

I plan to go to my class. I do not believe she would leave the kids alone. This has to be an empty threat. I doubt I will enjoy myself much, but I paid my money and its the first class. But I am quite afraid of what I will come home to.  

Thank you everyone,
RolandOfEld

[eggfry]

RolandOfEld,

My heart goes out to you. That's a really scary and tough position to be in. Are you okay? Are you safe and are the kids safe? Do you have a plan if something were to happen again?

[Cat Familiar]

Oh Roland,
I'm so sorry. It seems they can set things up so there's no good strategy for us nons. I'm hoping you were able to go to your class.

Something that occurs to me is now that she's landed her dream job, she will have to work, show up, be on her best behavior. That in itself might be extremely stressful for her after being out of the job market.

It's a tough situation and you've got a lot of factors to consider as you uphold your boundaries and navigate through all the coral reefs.

 

Cat

[RolandOfEld]

Hi eggfry and thanks so much for checking in. I'm at work now and doing OK besides the fact that I didn't sleep much.

I'm safe and as far as I know the kids are safe at home with their mom. But I'm glad they will both be at school during the day soon. I think it's better. Right now I am mulling calling my ally at the police station to update him on what's happened. He knows me and about my wife's mental illness. When I tell my wife I reported her behaviors the police and helps to enforce boundaries. I thought the no hitting boundary was going to stick but now I see that's not that case.

I'm also trying to get in touch with my past counselor who is always willing to get on the phone with me during emergencies and give me some suggestions.

And of course I checked in here first of above all things. I think its much better for me to to get some different perspectives before I take any specific action or make plans.

Hi Cat, thanks for your kind words. Fingers crossed on the class. The only thing that could stop me now is if she shows up at the school tonight or sends me photos proving / faking she left the kids alone. I can tell this is a bad episode.

Yes the pressure on her will be intense, and there is no doubt in the world that it will come out on the three of us. What was at first a happy thing is certainly going to become a nightmare of its own. She will never let herself be happy or the rest of us. I need to build up my resources in the month and a half left I have before she goes to work.

~ROE

[pearlsw]

Oh ROE,

It is beyond heartbreaking to think of you being treated like this. I know how paralyzing it must feel, that urge, with all the other changes going on to perhaps not put too strong a focus on this. But I think a zero tolerance policy has to be set on physical stuff or you will find yourself with her doing it again. She is  testing her limits with anger... ."What will he let me get away with?" ya know? Argh!

To me she found a new "trick" to get around it, this fake "Oops! Sorry!" thing. It reminds me of how my SO adapted his breakup threats. The price got higher for him on those, but they are so used to having these responses as an automatic, go-to thing, and that's what their minds offer up in times of high stress.

I can't say what is right, but something has to be said and done so she knows she still has a check on her and she doesn't get the idea "ah-ha. I found a way to hold onto being able to be physical with him when I want to."

I'm away, so sorry for the short reply!

thinking of you and sending you much support and some hugs!   

~pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi pearls, thank you so much. You are so right, this is absolutely her way of getting around her behavior. If I or anyone bring it up, who can say it wasn't an accident?

I think I will call and check in with the officer at my local station. He knows my story and gave me his card. If need be, I will express to her that I have been in touch with the police and that she is building a file, which might end with her losing the kids if she maintains these behaviors. Police seem to scare her. Right now I can't think of anything else to do. If there were no kids I would be moved out by this morning.

Emotionally, I'm constantly vacillating between or "supporting someone I love who has an illness" or do I leave someone who is abusing me". I think reporting to the police is as much an act of love as one of self protection.

Update, she emailed this morning with a list of impossible things I have to do included all cooking and cleaning since she needs to prep for her new job (it starts in a month and a half and she has no info yet), also reiterating that she has an activity tonight (she doesn't) and I must be home on time. This is controlling behavior. I did not reply.

~ROE

[Enabler]

RoE,

What happens when you front up to her... .I mean properly front up to her and tell her to back up... .I mean the type of fronting up where you gather all your inner daemons and unleash hell-fire?

This might sound like a strange question but who would win in a no holds barred physical fight between you and your wife?

I want to make it clear that I am not advocating physical violence, I am however advocating showing her that it's only by your own self control, love and compassion for her that you do not respond in kind to her abuse.

I'm pretty sure that this isn't bpdfamily standard, however, I remember being bullied by 1 particular older kid on the school bus for a couple of years in senior school. One day I lost it, no punches were thrown but I think he saw the potential in my eyes... .he never said an unkind word to me after that.

There's so many rational, adult reasons why this isn't a good idea... .but my sense is she hits and demeans you... .because she knows she can and knows you won't fight back.

[Dignity&Strength]

Goodness, Roland,
Your story is so so familiar to me, and I know that helpless feeling all too well. That’s a hard thing to live through and it’s appropriate
to grieve about it.

I wonder, given the beginning where you said things were looking up and she was med compliant, seeing her doctor, if something typical happened... .often, when someone starts to feel much better on their meds, they become med non compliant. That is, feeling like they’re ok, they don’t need it anymore. That’s totally no excuse for her behavior and she was horribly wrong.

Something I’ve noticed in my own situation... .although it’s likely different because of gender stereotypes,

Right after a major blow up, especially one with some sort of physical altercation, was when the professionals in the community expected me to leave. Even without any preparation for supporting myself or consideration for my son needing me at home because of his special needs. So, when I decided to leave, then thought about what to do first, second, etc to make it happen, I ended up with a to do list a page long that had to be accomplished first. Some things necessary, others only ideal, but all responsible. So, I still haven’t left. I’m still working through the exit, and haven’t completely figured out how. At least not immediately.

There always has been judgment and some sort of demeaning remark, about credibility since I chose to stay. Oh well, it was what was best for my son and I, nobody who said that thought through the logistics...

About your class... .I’ve learned that if something is important to me, not to let my husband know it. I got it from a page about going “gray rock”. I do things for myself when I am by myself. And can keep it fairly nonchalant. About as interesting as a gray rock.

I had a phase of hoping for the best in my marriage yet preparing for the worst. Time proved that he got more dysreguflated with age.

I’d Check on the medcompliant thing. Notice if that could be a factor.
And if she’d be willing to have accountability with it. Only you know how that would go.

Best wishes
Dig

[Radcliff]

Roland,

I echo pearlsw's sentiment that you must maintain a hard boundary on the physical violence.  Yes, report it to the police.  :)on't worry about her claiming it was an accident.  That was ridiculous.  You know it wasn't an accident.  It reminds me of an instance from the videos I have of my wife, where she says she is not blocking me in the bathroom, yet the video shows her moving to the left and right to block my path, even as she's denying it.  Being abused while someone is telling you that you are not being abused is an escalation of the abuse and can be tremendously traumatizing.

I understand Enabler's comment about increasing your physical presence in order to reduce the chances of attack, but this is mainly appropriate in a situation where you are alone and facing her.  It is tough to pull off in front of the kids, and doesn't help with blind-side attacks.  Honestly, I don't think there is anything you could have done better that night she hit you.  But you must report it.

You do a huge amount of work around your home.  Continue to support her as a reasonable husband would support a reasonable wife, but be ready for the possibility that her job may come to an end through her behaviors and though it will not at all be your fault, she will try to blame it on you.  It would be fantastic if her job works out well long-term.  Hope for the best, but be ready for the worst.

Did you get to your a capella class?  How are things going?

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Enabler, in the past I've pushed her off of me or tried to lock her out of the room I was in. Last night I was laying between two sleeping children and it was completely unexpected so there was nothing I can do. Didn't hurt much; was more of an emotional injury. She is tough and has a black belt in taekwondo but I could overpower her and I think she knows that, and I certainly had fantasies of showing her that so she would never touch me again. But of course I will never go that route and she knows it too well. So fire in eyes don't really work well. I feel better to threaten with legal consequences.

Dig thank you for sharing your experience on this. I watched her take her meds just before all this happened. She has stayed on them pretty strictly. Did no good last night besides putting her to sleep so I could turn the AC on and get out of the house in the morning.

A few months ago I was putting together an exit plan. Recently I softened and returned to the love approach after she made overtures towards getting some help. Last night showed me I need to regroup a bit.

Yes, many people don't consider its not so easy to leave when kids are in the picture. Right now we are just trying to get them settled into kindergarten - not the timing to declare I am leaving. We are totally reliant on each other when it comes to the kids. That's why I am trying. And because some part of me still loves her and wants her to get the right help. But if these things were happening and no kids and I still had my current mindset, I would be out the door.

As for my class, no way to avoid her knowing since she needs to watch the kids to make it happen. I knew this would be an issue from the beginning. The best I can do is to go straight from work to class without going home first since she would definitely run for the door and leave me alone with the kids and no means to go (too late at night to put them with babysitter).

~ROE

[RolandOfEld]

WW my senses about the job (a government teaching role which is incredibly hard to be fired from) is that it will generate tremendous levels of stress that will come out on the three of us, not on coworkers or students. She is high-functioning BPD and is crafty about not letting it get in the way of her outside-home life. Today I realized I need to start planning for this eventuality. Originally I thought the job would make her happier, but knowing her it will probably only supercharge the dysregulation. I need to be ready.

Accapella class is a few hours away. My guess is she will make threatening calls when she sees I'm not coming straight home or send me messages where she will pretend to abandon the kids, or perhaps just say nothing. I will ignore the calls / messages if they happen. I am sure there will be hell to pay when I get home, but for those few hours I am going to try and sing my heart out. I have to remember she is equivalent to a child when doing these things and I don't have to defer to her behavior.

~ROE

[Radcliff]

"Incredibly hard to be fired from" is perfect!  Just what the doctor ordered!  I'm sorry to hear of your predictions that the stress will be brought home.  Just take it as it comes and hope for the best.  It seems like very good news that whichever path you and she take, she is able to support herself.

Enjoy class!  I've "been there and done that" deciding to do something and expecting the backlash, but deciding it's worth it.

Keep us posted,

WW

[Enabler]

black belt in taekwondo

OUUFFF... .

[RolandOfEld]

Enabler her strength is all in the legs and I could not overpower her there. But her upper body is weak and mine is strong. If I was ever fighting for my life with her I would need to get her into a position where her legs were not of much use.

~ROE

[MrRight]

Sorry to hear about this latest episode Rolandofeld

No, BPDs dont like it when you dont keep your word and dont like having their plans threatened.

It has been a long time since mine struck me on the face/head - but I can expect a kick or punch on the body for transgressions. I know how humiliating a blow to the head/face is though.

Mine also can endure hot temperatures at night and I also have to wait for her to go to sleep to make myself more comfortable.

Sorry - I wish I could offer some concrete advice but I suppose what you need to do is survive this and reduce the impact this must be having on your children - yours are young - mine is near 16. When mine was between 3-5 I wasnt looking at the future - it was just too far off so I went into survival mode taking one day at a time. Now he's nearing independence and I really am starting to think of the future.

I've also got into that trap of thinking she's getting better after a calm spell. And then - boom!

Hang in there.

[Red5]

Hello Roland,

Wow man, very sorry you are having to endure this, I have been in a similar situation a time or two over the years,

As others have said, pw/BPD seem to really “hold” us nons to our word, even a small slight as in letting the clock slip a few minutes to the right, will set them off, and then also; as we know the pw/BPD does love to hold that grudge, and also the resultant punishment of the non.

Tough stuff man, I know all too well.

Well, my best advice, is to try your best to hold a boundary, and your wife will no doubt try to breach it, this time looks like she used your two small children as a shield as she breached it, that’s really wrong in my book,

Physical altercations, of poke, slap, & hit, and also push... .are not acceptable… and if it were the other way round, just imagine what she would have done…

The ole’ BPD double standard,

Hang in there, as far as the police, that’s a tough one, I have no clue about the laws in the country you are in, but here in the states, if the police get called, its domestic violence, and most cases it will be the woman’s side the cops take, regardless of who did the physical thing, ... the cops will remove one of the adults, and its almost always the man, not the woman, even if the woman started it… yeah, tough stuff.

I hope things are better now, and that you got to go to your class,

Best regards, Red5

[Harley Quinn]

ROE, I'm really sad to see that this happened when you were hoping things were improving.  That's such a blow emotionally as well as feeling unable to do anything.  Really awful to be in that position.  Prior to my ex hitting me in front of my son, he once pushed me back and got right up in my face inside a walk in cupboard I have under the stairs.  My son was literally around the corner in the other room.  I felt helpless as I didn't want my son to know what was happening.  Had it happened in his absence I'd have stood my ground and made absolutely sure that he knew I'd not tolerate that.  Instead I had to walk out calmly with a big smile on my face for the sake of my son.  I can imagine how you felt internally as you lay there.   

Can I ask, what was the reaction from the kids?  Did they see what happened, acknowledge it?  Has she ever been violent towards you in their presence before?  I hate to say this, but certainly in the UK witnessing abuse of a parent is classed as child abuse because of the emotional impact upon a child.  I'd encourage you to report what happened to the police, as if this is ever looked into, you are seen to be making efforts to safeguard yourself and the children by casting light on the situation and seeking guidance and help to stop the violence. 

Even if the children are unaware, I'd still advise reporting this - for the same reasons others have given.  It's important not to relax that boundary.  There has to be zero tolerance if she is ever to curb this behaviour.  The fact that things improved and she has tested again suggests that she may think you're less likely to act because there has been a different dynamic at play in your r/s and you'll want to protect that.  She is feeling confident and in control.  Draw a hard line.

I really hope you're able to get to and remain at your class.  It's so wonderful that you booked it.  Looks like it was perfectly timed to give you some space to yourself and you probably need that more than ever right now.  It would be good if you were able to put a pause on your thoughts and get really present with the singing.  It's also a fantastic way to release some emotions that you've had to bottle up.   

Stay strong, ROE.  You can do this.

Love and light x       

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you so much, everyone. I will reply to all your feedback later. But first, an update.

I was on my way to my class when the phone calls started, just as I expected. I answered the first one. Her telling me she was on her way out the door so I better get home. I said I was going to my class and hung up. She called back almost constantly for the next half hour but I rejected the call every time. I knew I was building up a time bomb back at home but I was determined to go to my class and enjoy it.

So I got there early and chatted with some of the other people waiting for it to start. And then I saw my wife and kids at the door. For a millisecond I had a happy feeling, thinking "Oh, my family has stopped by to support me and hear me sing." But that feeling instantly turned into horror and mortification when I realized what was really happening. My wife came in and said to the teachers that her husband had forgotten she had something to do that night and she couldn't reach me by phone. She pushed S5 and D2 in without any child supplies (diapers, wipes, milk, toys) and left.

There are only a few times in my life when I have experienced real horror or mortification. It was clear from everyone's faces that they knew something was wrong. I told the teachers I was sorry and I should go home since my kids would definitely interrupt the class, but they were very kind and insisted I stay. So, miserable beyond belief though I was, I determined to stay as long as my kids were under control and try. I did my best to keep my kids under control but they kept coming over to my seat and being disruptive. Eventually one of the ladies from the school took them into the office and somehow kept them occupied for the rest of the class. Total angel.

And everyone was really great about it. I figured, well ok they can see the parent part of me its not such a bad thing and they thought my kids were cute. Despite the fact that I was very nervous that my kids were there and might meltdown at any second, I managed to wring a few moments of enjoyment. But it was hard to have much of a voice. I just kept thinking of a quote a member here shared with me long ago that has always helped me: "I can't go on, I'll go on."

By the time I took two very tired, crying kids home at 10 pm on the bus, I was in a near catatonic state. I just couldn't believe she did this to me. The hitting was a million times better than this. After giving up my country, my friends, my family, all the comforts of home for her for ten years, after all the support and love I'd given her to help her achieve her dream, and in those ten years the only thing I had asked for was this one night a week to get back something I loved, and she couldn't even let me have it.   I wanted to rip off my wedding band and throw it away but it stuck on my finger. I imagined a 1,000 different little beautiful revenges.But I know I can't be like her, for the sake of my kids and for my own.

I have to do something or this class, and my life in general, is going to be impossible. She will believe she can get away with this again and again. But I will not use violence, physical or emotional, of any kind. So the plan for now:

- report her behavior to the police
- finally tell her sister what's going on and try to make her an ally
- call the social worker myself

I need real help to face this. The situation is more severe than I thought. She is seriously sick and it is irresponsible for me to try and do it alone any more.

Thoughts on the above plan welcomed.

~ROE

[Harley Quinn]

ROE, that's a horrible situation, both for you and for the kids, who probably wondered what was going on when they were unceremoniously left with you.  I'm one of those people who believes that everything in life happens for a reason.  It sounds to me like tonight was necessary to galvanise you into actions which you otherwise might have avoided.  How do you feel right now as you plan to do these things? 

Love and light x   

[Cat Familiar]

Sometimes it's hard to believe that they could make things even worse than you expect--and you got that situation in spades. 

Nice to hear how kind people were to you and your children. How do you see this event as a turning point in your relationship? You are making good plans for dealing with her behavior in the future.

It sounds like you really need this class and support from a real life community.

 
Cat

[RolandOfEld]

How do you see this event as a turning point in your relationship? You are making good plans for dealing with her behavior in the future.

It sounds to me like tonight was necessary to galvanise you into actions which you otherwise might have avoided.  How do you feel right now as you plan to do these things?

Cat and HQ, what this shows me is that just the two of us taking care of this family alone is no longer sustainable. When she's not dysregulating, she's super capable and good to work with. When these things happen, life becomes close to impossible. I have to merge the reality of capable her with sick her and admit that the latter mostly negates the former.

One major concern coming up is my new job, which offers some real development opportunities for my future. How long before she's showing up at my office with the kids? Then there's the fact that my company plans to send me at some point for business trips to the US and the UK. My wife is very against these even though they mean a lot to my career future and what kind of life I can give us. She will almost certainly try to derail them as she did my class.

My own family and friends, being 8,000 miles away, can really only provide emotional and potentially a little financial support. But I need some people here on the ground I can mobilize when she throws our lives into chaos. The first thought is her older sister, with whom I have a good relationship and who seems to be a very reasonable, normal person. Second thought is some of her close friends. And we have a few babysitters we work with but I might want to see about finding some of my own and maybe even letting them understand the situation, that my wife has sudden episodes and so I might sometimes suddenly need some support. I will also actively contact the social worker to see where that goes.

The point is that there is a new reality to cope with here. I thought my wife was getting better. I thought it was safe to leave the kids with her. Even though she has dialed down on the physical abuse (towards them), the emotional abuse and effect of the toxic environment goes on and it shows more every day in my son, who I am starting to think of as "Baby BPD" in terms of his behaviors. I am starting for the first time to think they might be slightly better off not being around her so much. It breaks my heart to think so but it might be the truth right now.

~ROE

[Enabler]

ROE, this is messed up and annoying schizzle, why do people have to be like this? Mate, you deserve more than one night a week... .remember that as well!

Few observations
- announcing to sister... .be very very very careful as families tend to react aggressively protective against their own, even if they openly talked about it before. Be incredibly careful.
- why not confide in the acappella group? This is your group of friends, don’t be afraid to tell people what’s going on. Your silence is her friend. If she dumps the kids again at the group they will know the score and your wife’s trick is muted.
- secure your travel documents out of the home, that will be first port of call if she wants to disrupt work travel
- keeping a formal record of everything is not only evidence against her, but an element of protection for you should the marriage end and she start false accusations. Your friend at the police just needs to note down each incident on file to create an independent diary of events.

Keep being smart buddy.

Enabler

[sdyakca]

Dear RoE,  My heart goes out to you. As I was reading your comments it just reminded me of how horrible I felt so many times/days/weeks/months over so many years in the face of the same type of craziness you are explaining. The pain of staying and enduring more of the nightmare finally reach a level I could not tolerate it and I made the decision to end the relationship (r/s). The r/s had been irrevocably broken for many years, I just didn't know it at the time nor could I accept it at the time and I tried to find a way to make it work, even though year after year it kept getting worse.

Was it hard to end things, yes, really hard, but THE REWARDS are worth it. I am in a transition phase in between where I was and where I am going, but I am creating a wonderful life worth living and let the universe take care of her, it's not my job anymore. I pray for her, primarily so I can be relieved of any residual anger I feel at times (I am NOT praying for her to come back NO WAY).

I finally moved, have a new place. She does not have a key or access to my new home which is heavenly (but sometimes lonely). Although I would rather be sometimes lonely, than continually in the force field/orbit of the crazy and angry pull and all the crappy, really crappy, and super crappy stuff and worse she always pulls that we have had to live with and witness. ITS TERRIBLE.

My heart and my thoughts go out to you. Please keep moving in the direction of your healing, health, and transformation. Gather your resources and friends, and when the time is right, make the decision as hard as it may be and put your life and health first.

Wishing you supernatural strength and courage. Blessings to you! Believe you will be ok.

Warmest regards, sdyakca... .

[RolandOfEld]

Enabler, I have been giving the sister issue consideration for a very long time. I think some things I have to my advantage here are that a) my wife suddenly cut off contact with sister for 2 years when she missed the message that she had gone into labor, which hurt her sister a lot, and b) we have been to the doctor and the doctor said she had serious problems and tried to get us a social worker. Honestly, though, I have no idea what to expect on this part. But I may have no choice but to try.

I actually had the same thought about the acapella group, even though I just met them. It's weird but I have the feeling they could become a supportive community, just observing how they reacted to my kids being there. Have to see how that goes.

sdyakca, thank you for providing a case study in hope. I'm very happy you've been able to get yourself to a better place. For me, its our children that make separation a real challenge. We live in her country and I have no friends or family that could help with this part if we separated (which is why I'm thinking of letting her sister in on what's happening).

~ROE

[Enabler]

ROE,

Maybe start a new thread on the idea of broaching the subject with her sister. As you say, she has had experience of her behaviour and may be able to see what you mean.

My SIL has her own issues and has commented before about my W... .however, she was mortified when my W informed her that I thought W had a PD. It's a massive leap from having a turbulent sibling relationship to acknowledging that you think your sister has very serious cognitive distortions... .also, full accepting that likely means your SIL has to accept other things in her childhood and family dynamic that may be a step too far.

Massive generalization but my gut feeling is that nice people sing acapella... .I'm thinking Boyz 2 Men!   

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Enabler, you're right. Telling her sister that she has a PD is a comment not only on their shared childhood but also on her own part (her sister is almost 10 years older and more or less raised her in many ways). How I broach the subject and discuss it with her are very important. It might be better to begin with facts (the hitting, the property destruction, the stealing, trying to make D2 pee on the floor) and the impact on the family. From there I could gently walk it over to the doctor visit and her own admission of having a disorder. I was almost ready to run out and do this today but I think it will take careful planning (and might merit a new thread, as you suggested).

I have the feeling the singing group is going to be tight knit. I'm the only non Asian person in the group but they have been very welcoming to me. Let's just hope I can keep making it to classes without taking my kids... .

~ROE

[Cat Familiar]

ROE,
How sad and disappointing it must be to realize that she's not trustworthy with the children when she's dysregulating. It sounds like you're doing some very smart planning for the future.

How do you envision childcare while you're on extended travel for your work? The logistics, once in place will be comforting to know, but getting there and having agreement with the plan sounds fraught.

Perhaps the social worker could assist you in that conversation with the older sister about your wife's mental illness.

I'm so glad that you're finding opportunities to experience time with healthy normal people and do something you love to do. That's so important to recharge your batteries.

 
Cat

[Radcliff]

Wow, dropping the kids off at choir practice is pretty impressive.  Wow.  I am so sorry.  I agree that it was helpful, though, to make it clear how disordered she is.  Fantastic that your group supported you!  That's wonderful!

Regarding the sister, it might be good to stay away from labels like "BPD" and just stick to behaviors and specific examples.

I agree that your business trips are at risk.  You saw from the choir incident that she is willing to escalate and is quite creative.  Perhaps a business trip would be the time to enlist the help of the sister.  I've heard that women are less likely to misbehave when there are witnesses (unless of course the witnesses are an a cappella choir, in which case evidently it's OK to misbehave  )  Seriously, though, I think you need to include others like the sister and the social worker in your business trip planning.

WW

[Harley Quinn]

ROE, I think Enabler came up with some good suggestions here:

- why not confide in the acappella group? This is your group of friends, don’t be afraid to tell people what’s going on. Your silence is her friend. If she dumps the kids again at the group they will know the score and your wife’s trick is muted.
- secure your travel documents out of the home, that will be first port of call if she wants to disrupt work travel
- keeping a formal record of everything is not only evidence against her, but an element of protection for you should the marriage end and she start false accusations. Your friend at the police just needs to note down each incident on file to create an independent diary of events.

I'm in agreement that it would be a good idea to involve the social worker in planning for childcare so that you can be comfortable that the kids are safe and well when you're away.  Who knows what support is available.  Also in helping you when speaking to the sister. 

In my view, once you've reported the incident/s the best place to start would be with the social worker.  Does the doctor arrange or can you go direct?

Love and light x

[eggfry]

Emotionally, I'm constantly vacillating between or "supporting someone I love who has an illness" or do I leave someone who is abusing me". I think reporting to the police is as much an act of love as one of self protection.

RoE,

I have been there, it's emotionally exhausting. I'm so sorry... .You have a lot on your plate right now. Trying to figure out which voice you want to listen to can be so tough. I had to recently make a similar decision between putting my well being first versus staying and living with the risks when things got out of hand. You mentioned your family is quite far away, is there anyone that might be able to 'visit' you while you get things together and watch your kids for you? Maybe you could arrange a visit but really use the time to work on things without arousing too much suspicion. Is there anyone in the family she might listen to? I agree with Enabler be careful when presenting information to her family. Some Asian cultures are not always receptive to mental health treatment, present information with caution.

I'm so happy to hear you're finding some comfort in your new acapella group. I hope your keep pursuing it. They sound like a great group of people and I love that they welcomed your kids when you had a surprise visit.