BPD adult daughter, pregnant again, living with me, I need ideas and support

[justj]

Looking for some suggestions: My 21 yr. old daughter with BPD and my 2 1/2 yr old granddaughter live with me.  :)aughter is pregnant again. Her behavior is very difficult and she is very ungrateful, moody and not a very good mom. She leaves the house a mess, does not contribute financially and is constantly angry.  If it were not for my granddaughter I would have kicked her out long ago but at this point I feel I am the only stable person in grands life.  I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and the tide is coming in.  The idea of another baby scares me!  Any ideas?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi justj

Welcome to the bpdfamily 

This is a very difficult situation for you and especially when there are grandchildren involved.

Is the baby's father involved ot is she a single parent in that regard.

Given the current circumstances, the issues will increase for you with a second baby. Is that something that you want to take on?

Ive learned with my DD27 that the more I did for her the less she did for herself. I became a rescuer. When I tried to pull back there were violent rages and abuse and I have bewn cut off from her and my GD1 for 6 months now. That crisis brought me here.

If she doea stay with you, it will be important for you to set clear boundaries to ensure that yoi are not the doormat. Maybe now is the time to start to guage her reaction. Engaging her in the discussion when she is calm with baby steps could be helpful.

Being a grandparent should be a wonderful experience, not one that should be endures.

I starte dreading alot. There is much information on the board to the right .  I also came here to talk to others and get there advcie and support as BPD is  a difficult journey for all of us.

I hope you also have good cate around you.

You are a doing the best you can and ate a wonderful mother and grandmother.

Take care of yourself and we are all here for you .

Merlot

[Harri]

Hi justj and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found this board.  You are not alone and reaching out here for support and help is a big but wonderful step!  Good for you!

Having your daughter a 2 .5 year old and another grandkid on the way is a lot to deal with.  Merlot gave you some great input about the need to establish limits.  Have you been able to do that with your daughter so far?  If not, we can help you with that too.  So many who post here can relate and share what did and did not work for them.  We also have lessons and tools listed over on the right side of the page.  it is a lot of reading so take it slow if you need to.  Ask any questions you may have too.

Speaking of questions, when is your daughters due date?  Do you have supportive people in your life who can help you?  Don't forget to include us too.  You'd might be surprised at how much support you get here and just how much you can learn.

Again, I am glad you posted and I hope to hear more of your story.

[Feeling Better]

Hello justj

I would like to join Harri and Merlot in welcoming you here, it really sounds like you have your hands full and you are expressing valid concerns regarding the arrival of another child.

There are a few parents here who are experiencing similar problems to you. Here are a couple of threads that you might like to read through, just click on the links below:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325655.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326297.0

I am sure there are other threads that I’ve missed, please have a look through the board, you will most likely find some more that you can relate to x 

[bluek9]

   Welcome Justj,

    I join everyone else in welcoming you to this place.    Seems like I am the one who can relate to you as Feeling Better said. I too am the mom and grandma. My D is going to be 36 next month, for the greater part of her life she has lived with me. I'm now raising my GNDSN JJ, he going to be 7 very soon. I helped him come into this world and have been raising him ever since, I just took guardianship of him because his mother has detached from him.
   I hear you the moods, not being a good mom, not contributing.   And then as if things aren't hard enough we get the full wave of emotions crashing down on us. I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this place. It's hard I know! But I also know that you had the courage to come here and find others who are like you.  It is a scary situation, one that requires great thought. Merlot mentioned the fact that most of us come up against, the more I did the less she did for herself. It's such a hard line to figure out. My D is actually pretty low functioning as a BPD, so finding the right balance for us was a long hard task.
     my heart goes out t you Justj, please share some more info like what do feel right now? What else is going on, do you work, does your D work? Never forget... .you always have options!

[Blueskyday]

My dtr got herself pregnant with someone else's man. His GF found out when he was arrested for threatening my dtr. He shouldn't have done it. I will never know if he was being so aggressive or it was her BPD. He doesnt have any issues like that and people love him. I dunno

She was being made homeless. I was deathly ill from Lupus and all the drama for the previous 11 yrs. Drugs, herpes, gambling addiction, alcohol. I thought she could move back in because I wanted her to be safeI.  had to put her out because she was so abusive at 17. I was advised by a domestic abuse councillor to put her out. I was sick, depressed and had no life.

Immediately she was supposed to move in when she was pregnant it all went downhill. She was impossible to be around.

I just held up my hands and said "I can't do this". She went to a hostel and then to a flat and now has her own home.

I will never tell her being at the mercy of her self sabotaging behaviour made me suicidal. I am never allowed to forget the hostel or how alone she was. If I meet a friend she makes she always finds a way to remind me and tell them she lived in a hostel pregnant. I never left her. I just needed to get this grown woman who was  abusing me, killing me out of my home.

What would Dr Phil say? I often ask myself this Q.

How much more can you take before you break