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Author Topic: How are you different from you ex?  (Read 935 times)
zachira
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« on: July 05, 2018, 06:14:46 PM »

We are all different in special ways. Can you share with us all the ways you can think of that you are different from your ex?
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« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2018, 06:43:00 PM »

My first BPD traits ex was an incredible guy. A musician, could play dozens of instruments, was in a handful of bands, started a non-profit to help low income kids, spoke a few languages, was athletic, and was as funny as a professional comedian. He was out-going, driven, hard-working, highly intelligent, charismatic, fun and sexy. He was also deeply troubled, had a lot of self-loathing, and... .dumped me outta nowhere like a hot potato after making me think he was very loyal and devoted and "would never, ever break up with me." Wrong. I didn't even recognize who he was after the split and I agonized for years, wanting answers that never came. After three years I was finally glad we didn't last, but that sudden break up was brutal. Hope he found some peace and happiness in life.

~pearl.
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« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2018, 01:40:34 AM »

My ex has a very negative outlook on life. He would always think the glass was half empty, and would always think the worst of people. When he didn't like someone (which was most of the time, he didn't like a lot of people) he would make that very clear to that person. I will never forget those looks he could give to someone if he wanted to. So hateful. He was very quick to judge someone. Talking about how some of my friends were so ugly or weird or boring. Talking about how he was sick of his own friends and their behaviour and how they were doing things wrong in their eyes. How he didn't understand how he still put up with them. Talking about his stepsister and stepbrother and how they were throwing away their life.

I am very different from this. I always think the best of people. I always try to get people to like me. I put the needs of others before my own. I would never say hurtful things to someone on purpose. I try to be positive. He would say I was naive and that I let people walk over me, but I'd rather be too nice than be like him.

It was quite an eye-opener when I realised how much we differed in this and how I don't want to spend my life with someone who is so negative and so judgmental. The more time I spent with him the more negative I got too. Agreeing with his opinions because that was easier than going against him again and trying to hold my own opinion against him. That's not someone I want to be. So I guess it's better that it's over. In some ways we weren't a good fit after all.

I don't know too which extent this behaviour was caused by his BPD or not? I think it definitely has to do with his childhood and how he has been through very hard things, so it's hard for him to have a positive outlook on life. He would always think the worst would happen. He could feel a lot of pity for himself. For example, in hindsight he would've liked to study something different at university and this was something he couldn't let go of. He would feel so sorry for himself that he'd made the wrong decision. I don't think he'll ever forgive himself that. He lives with a heavy burden. If only he would've let me lift some of it of his shoulders.
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« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2018, 01:56:45 AM »

My ex is almost 11 years younger than me. 

My T saw her twice individually then age walked away from couple's T. I was "sent" to fix me not her. 

After a number of months with my T individually, spending a down payment on a nice car,  he paused to look at me and said,  "you know, I don't think that she really ever knew you." 6 years,  to kids.

Another time he said, "you weren't a good match: physically  [I think he was being funny given on 6'2" and she's 4"11', spiritually, emotionally, or in age."

Add intelligently.  Not to sound like a Narc, but have the IQ on her. I couldn't talk to her about a whole lot of things which interested me. My T was right.  So was Bowen in that we choose our emotional matches.  Daddy-daughter in our case 
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« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2018, 02:05:05 AM »

I am sincere, loyal, honest, thoughtful, generous and reliable. She is none of those, and that only scratches the surface... .
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« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2018, 12:09:48 PM »

Interesting topic.

He and I are so similar in some ways- our taste in music and sense of humor (correcting for cultural differences), desire to help people and do right by the environment. We both have admitted to feeling like outsiders our whole lives, like we each came here from another planet or something. And we both have wanted a special, spiritual ultimate love relationship our whole lives. (So, in essence, we've both had similar romantic and spiritual delusions.) We're both wounded, though I would say his wounding is more severe and more obvious to others.

However, we are really different in a few functional ways. I have a stable job and housing situation, and he’s been unemployed for the better part of a decade and is usually on the brink of homelessness. I have a lot of good friends and a supportive family (generally), he’s estranged from his adopted and birth family and doesn’t keep friends very long, if he gets along with people at all. I am quiet and generally unobtrusive, and I usually suppress my thoughts and feelings and what I need or want from people, he’s outspoken and demands a lot from whoever he’s around. I’m always doubting myself, he’s always super sure of his opinions and actions. I blame myself for everything that happens in my life, he blames everyone else for what happens to him. That's the basics.
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« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2018, 03:42:50 PM »

Interesting topic.

He and I are so similar in some ways- our taste in music and sense of humor (correcting for cultural differences), desire to help people and do right by the environment. We both have admitted to feeling like outsiders our whole lives, like we each came here from another planet or something. And we both have wanted a special, spiritual ultimate love relationship our whole lives. (So, in essence, we've both had similar romantic and spiritual delusions.) We're both wounded, though I would say his wounding is more severe and more obvious to others.

However, we are really different in a few functional ways. I have a stable job and housing situation, and he’s been unemployed for the better part of a decade and is usually on the brink of homelessness. I have a lot of good friends and a supportive family (generally), he’s estranged from his adopted and birth family and doesn’t keep friends very long, if he gets along with people at all. I am quiet and generally unobtrusive, and I usually suppress my thoughts and feelings and what I need or want from people, he’s outspoken and demands a lot from whoever he’s around. I’m always doubting myself, he’s always super sure of his opinions and actions. I blame myself for everything that happens in my life, he blames everyone else for what happens to him. That's the basics.

! This sounds so much like me and my ex. I feel like almost the same exact thing could be written about us. However over the course of the relationship I became slowly more and more isolated from friends and family. I wonder if the desire to help people and the environment is something of the 'people pleaser' in me. Since I neglect my self care and am fearful around setting boundaries and upsetting people. Was just reading the article on that and contemplating it. I hate asking for anything from anyone, and would be upset that he would be so demanding of others. My tendency to suppress my feelings magnified exponentially over the course of the relationship as well.  And I think my wounding is more obvious to some. He is outgoing and charismatic, once some people get close enough to see his anger and true nature his wounding becomes more apparent. But over the course of the relationship as I feel deeper into depression and anxiety I became more and more obviously a wreck. It makes me nervous about reaching out to new people and recreating a new support system, and being a burden to others. I also felt like we were both so interested in spirituality, philosophy, self awareness, etc that feed into my denial about the emotional abuse! And presenting that illusion of our enlightened partnership to our community of like minded friends, fed into the lies, secrets, and double life of our conflict ridden reality at home, and the desire we felt to seem like the joyful couple we seemed like on the outside.
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« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2018, 11:15:27 PM »

Tin! Maybe we are living parallel lives! Hehe. It’s comforting, in some odd way, that someone else has had similar awful experiences. I guess that’s what this board it for. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I really relate to what you wrote here, too. I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through, it sounds really rough.

Out of curiosity, I’m wondering if you and your ex felt any resonance to the ‘twin flame’ thing the way I did (and now the ex, if you can call him that, does). It justifies him trying to maintain contact with me because, well, if you’re ‘twin flames’ it’s your spiritual duty to stay connected. Ugh. :/
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« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2018, 05:24:05 PM »

Great topic zachira!  

I could write you a huge list but for now I'll focus in on the main thing that I feel differed between us and that was around responsibility.  I take responsibility for myself and others (too much at times) and have always been fiercely independent (again, too much so at times).  He takes little to no responsibility for himself and seems to have a genuine expectation that everything will land in his lap.  

I have my own home, car, pay my bills, raise my son, etc.  He is basically a freeloader, close to homeless pretty much all the time, ridiculous with money, unemployed and expects others to cater to his every need and demand.  We were polar opposites in that respect.  We came from different worlds yet our wounds drew us together, then they pushed us apart again.  Thank goodness.

As blooming said in her reply, my ex was very negative and had a suspicious view, if not total unfounded intolerance for others.  I on the other hand am an optimistic positive person who feels that people are generally wonderful.  Our views of the world could not have been further apart.

It's good to look back on these things and reclaim our own identity by recognising those things which are positive differences on our part.  Thanks for asking this astute question!

Love and light x
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« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2018, 11:05:36 AM »

I no longer feel uniquely spiritually connected in that way to him but I did for... .8 yrs. That we were special due to our unique similarities. I now realize that our special shared views were a bit of a farce. That he would say certain values and philosophies mattered to him, such as sustainability and mindfulness, in an effort to mirror me and my values and philosophies. But over time he started hating on sustainability (my career/life's work is in environmentalism) while at first he would gush about how much he loved the thoughts and opinions I shared with him. He'd later just go on to use whatever I confided or shared with him against me when he got defensive/insecure about anything. 

He's a musician and a therapist, and I was super close with his bandmates, I would go to a bunch of their shows, invite people, take pics, etc. and the guys appreciated it and were like brothers to me. But even after I shared some of my experiences with the other main musician and best friend (the cheating, scary angry/controlling behaviors, etc)- he's still out there promoting and collaborating with my ex. This  est friend is someone who read about BPD and told me about suspecting that my ex fits the mold when I started sharing some of my struggles. And my ex is still out there singing about enlightenment type topics with the community of 'woke' people who either remain obvious or simply don't care about his rage, outbursts, and harmful patterns of behavior. It's kind of sickening the amount of ego feeding he gets and the lack of accountability from a community of people who say they care so much about things like injustice, mindfulness, 'togetherness' and awareness. 

He also is a therapist and treats clients, and just started a group practice where he's hiring other therapists too. Now that I am numbing from my time dissociated and in denial, and processing the true extent harmful and damaging qualities of his personality and treatment of those he's close to, it's extremely disturbing to think he's out there with so much influence in people's lives, and that they might go through anything remotely as devastating and destructive as I did in my relationship with him. He preaches enlightenment, teaches mediation, and is extremely charismatic... .and yet he is extremely mentally ill, ignores his multiple diagnosis and thinks if he just meditates more, or reads more about spirituality he can handle his demons, instead of getting therapy and treatment for himself! He, a mental health therapist, fears the stigma of his own treatment. It's sad and also infuriating, considering the harm it's caused and the fact that he truly knows better. He is extremely capable and skilled in manipulation due to his 'spiritual' and 'personal development' framing of his criticisms, attacks, and defenses. It's very difficult for me to not only maintain no contact not just with him, but all my best friends who are sticking by him, and to put into words the nature of his disorder and impact. How dangerous I now realize he is to the people close to him, and the fear that he will harm them like he harmed me. To know what I now know and feel like I shouldn't do anything- because of my current state I need to focus and channel on my own recovery and healing and not try to 'rescue him' (and ensure he gets the help he needs) while also wanting to raise the alarm bells for others around him.  When I did try to raise my concerns mutual friends simply took it personally (a lack of faith in them, rather than my knowledge of his ability to manipulate) and

But yes, for a long time, and far too long, I thought we were special, too wise to be in a truly abusive relationship (feeding the denial), and that each of us were self-aware enough to 'fix' our communication and conflict resolution and decision making skills... .and continually feeling policed into 'forgiving him', and being 'more grateful' towards him, and being more 'loving and patient' and being empathetic about his traumas and emotional issues even though his actions and behaviors were so harmful and damaging to me. That I needed to meditate more to be able to handle his rage and moods better (he always told me the problem stemmed from me not meditating enough rather than taking accountability for his own actions)! I think seeing how his behaviors fit into emotional abuse relationship patterns- first love bombing me, mirroring me, then slowing more and more episodes of rage in between acting like we were truly special, that he adored me and had me on a pedestal, and then attack, belittle, guilt trip, and shame me whenever I wasn't 'perfect' enough, shift the blame onto me for his actions, lack of self control, his rage, his breaking things and blocking me, his cheating on me, etc. All to maintain power and control over me, leave me walking on eggshells, focused on my own deficiencies and insecurities, and under the guise of him being worried about me.

I'm grateful that our couples counselor made herself available to me for individual sessions as well, and I after I decided to separate from him, she was honest about her observations and her perception about the emotional abuse. I question myself, doubt my judgment, and feel like I might just be insane since our friends and community seems blind or ambivalent to his abuse. But the counselor offering her insight and her reflections on what she saw first hand of the dynamics between us, that no one else on the outside of our relationship ever really saw. Helps me see that any contact between me and him only harms my ability to get over the addiction I had to our relationship and the highs and lows, push/pull, fight/make up patterns. Knowing that my withdrawal from that habit and codependency on him is physical and emotional, not spiritual. Knowing that the sense of us being deeply connected at a soul level was another level of toxic enmeshment and anxious attachment. For a long time I was so sick of being policed and hounded about 'self help' and being psychoanalyzed by him in such painful, humiliating ways, that I avoided learning about or reading about such things, but as I studied and learned about Borderline, narcissistic and cluster b personalities, emotional abuse, etc it's helped me see that my experience is actually quite universal, and his proclamations are quite common as well! It's disturbing, and undermines a great deal of my sense of self and identity, but also frees me in some ways as well.

We lived in separate cities (an hour or two apart) the first 5 years of the relationship, and moved in together for the last 3 years of the relationship after we got engaged we bought a house together. It  was after we moved in that his actions stopped keeping up with his words to an extent that had me spiraling out to unhealthy levels of dissociation, denial, anxiety, depression and self loathing, and lack of trust in myself and my perception, exhausting from the continual stress and conflict. But when I would manage to leave his physical presence and try to communicate online, sometimes he would be able to communicate with more sane, stable ways online than in person (and I was able to be less triggered then too). The first few years were deep confessions, confiding in him, sharing deep secrets and emotions, etc that happened online since we saw each other mostly going out on weekends and talked online throughout the week. I can totally see how maintaining online communications can get very serious and very intense, and very emotional. I hope you are able to find support, reframe your understanding of him and your relationship, and come to peace with no-contact. For me I must remind myself, that although he claimed that me cutting off communication with him was causing him great harm, the harm he was causing me was never okay or justified. Once I saw the extent of the conflict, stress, anxiety, baggage, and self esteem issues that stemmed from the pressures he put on me, I have to remind myself of that when there are other things I miss about him, or feeling that deep pit of loneliness, feeling that emptiness and gaping hole where his presence took in my life and identity.
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« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2018, 05:25:25 PM »

my ex and i are both very sensitive people. we both can trigger fairly easily, and read into others intentions that werent necessarily there.

she tends to react and express it as injustice, and her responses tend to be disproportionate. i may be severely agitated, but i tend to keep it to myself and not do or say something ill regret later.

we both do our share of each, but thats our style.
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« Reply #11 on: July 11, 2018, 08:08:26 AM »

zachira  

Neat question.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hmm I think one of the big ones was that I wanted a long term relationship.

My read of her on this was:
  • 1 part of her wants an exclusive relationship. ("A"
  • 1 part of her wants sexual relationships with more than one person. ("B"

To embellish, my opposite view against her part B added a lot to the conflict. I wasn't willing to compromise on this, I want 1 partner. 1 partner only. If I bring loyalty to the relationship, I want the same from my partner. So reciprocality here meant a lot to me.

What this looked like was for her was to 'do like I do', that is, not to solicit or receive reciprocally an interest by a third party.

So for me, I don't seek other women. I don't entertain their advances.
So for her, she doesn't seek other men. She doesn't entertain their advances.

This was a core issue for fights between us. We compromised in talks (probably with her part 'A', which was good in hindsight, but then in action--her part 'B' seemed to act out and 'delete' all the discussions I thought I had with her.

Having a third vertex for her relationship 'triangle' seemed built into her at all levels. I still feel sad about this, this issue that I couldn't seem to resolve. From my point of view, the object relations and images ideas helped a lot with understanding this strange smokey impermanent opinion she had on this.


(edit) I did learn that this topic is very important to me for future relationships--something I probably won't compromise on.

Thanks for the neat question. I welcome comments.
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zachira
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« Reply #12 on: July 11, 2018, 09:53:45 AM »

Gotbushels,
Congratulations on being so clear on what your core values are and how different they are from what your ex wanted in a relationship. Being able to feel and articulate what you want puts you on the road for having a healthy fulfilling relationship.
I recently learned that my biggest problem in relationships was that I was a sitting duck waiting for someone to pick me, and did not have a clear vision of what a healthy relationship looks like. One of my core values now is to have a relationship with someone I genuinely admire for the kind of person he is: kind, caring, knows who he is, loves self and others for who he/she is, and committed to a relationship with one woman.
I admire that you want a committed relationship, which says to me that you are looking for trust, safety, and genuine love based on mutual respect. So many people these days seem to think that hooking up is the way to find someone, and it is okay to share your partner with others until you fall in love. I have learned that it is important to look for someone we can trust from the very beginning and don't have to wonder about what this person is doing when he/she is not with us. A person with integrity is transparent and easy to get along with, and is someone we can trust to act with integrity when nobody is looking.
Your post is right on the money in describing some things that are important in a healthy relationship, for most people. I admire your courage and integrity in looking at how your values were violated in the past, and determining what you really want.
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« Reply #13 on: July 11, 2018, 11:28:31 AM »

Great topic!  

There are two core differences that come to mind.  One is the ability to recognize when something is a desire and when it is an impulse.  My ex-husband acted on almost every fleeting thought that he had.  We were married very young - I was 17 (first boyfriend) and he was 20, just home from Vietnam.  The plan was that I would work and he would go to college, since he had the GI bill to pay tuition and I had no means to be able to afford to go myself.  So for years I worked and he went to school -- he changed his major at least 6 times and went to 4 or 5 different colleges and even trade schools - never finishing any of them.  Then he moved our household 29 times in 40 years.  He would just get these feelings that things would be better somewhere else and he would immediately act on them.  This went for other areas of life too - spending money, drug use, excessive eating and weight gain.  His anger outbursts seemed to be either directly or indirectly related to any perception on his part that life was not going exactly right for him at that moment.  

The other area is personal responsibility.  He was unable to get to the place of ever offering an apology.  He would blame me for his bad moods.  He would blame everyone and everything for his feelings, his actions, even his suicide attempts.  Any suggestion of seeking any sort of help from a medical professional or therapist was shot down -- He would say that he "knew more than any therapist."  He just could not turn his focus inward and look at how his behaviors were affecting his own life.  It's such a sad and disempowered way to live.  

The difference between he and I on the impulse control issue -- well, that has just never been one of my weak points.  I might be a little too controlling when it comes to my finances, my weight or fitness, my environment, etc.  If anything, I might be a little too hard on myself at times.  

For the responsibility issue, the main difference is that I was able to grow and take responsibility (finally - once I truly allowed myself to reach out for my own benefit instead of try to take care of him/our family) for my part - good and bad - in my life.  I sought therapy.  I started being honest and transparent with myself.  I dug and dug and processed and processed and learned about the things in my family of origin that were shaping how I felt valued in the world.  I learned about boundaries and self-care.  I'm still working on it,  - it's a process and a journey towards wellness, but I'm all in and willing.  

Thank you for this thread!

 
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zachira
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« Reply #14 on: July 11, 2018, 11:52:29 AM »

"For the responsibility issue, the main difference is that I was able to grow and take responsibility (finally - once I truly allowed myself to reach out for my own benefit instead of try to take care of him/our family) for my part - good and bad - in my life.  I sought therapy.  I started being honest and transparent with myself.  I dug and dug and processed and processed and learned about the things in my family of origin that were shaping how I felt valued in the world.  I learned about boundaries and self-care.  I'm still working on it,  - it's a process and a journey towards wellness, but I'm all in and willing."
Stjarna, you are summarizing what often makes the difference between being able to heal and not being able to change. Those of us who are involved in relationships with people with BPD often times do not give ourselves credit for our strengths. It is indeed our ability to take a look at ourselves and move forward with positive changes that usually distinguishes us from the people with BPD in our lives. The more we can make these distinctions, the more we are able to value ourselves and attract people into our lives that value us for who we are.
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« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2018, 01:15:13 AM »

zachira  

Thank you for the kind words.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Being able to feel and articulate what you want puts you on the road for having a healthy fulfilling relationship.
Yes, I think think having clear goal definition helps a lot. One thing that the pwBPD relationship taught me was that the non is expected to be the caretaker. To me, part of that is setting the emotional responsibility and direction of the relationship. A lot of that was setting those for the non as the individual, but clarifying to the pwBPD that they are responsibility for their roles in this--i.e., that accountability issue.

But in a relationship outside of that with a pwBPD, where does that leave those skills? Well, I think they're still used, but--in addition to the post-pwBPD-relationship non (the board user)--the new 'healthy' non-pwBPD partner has the capacity for looking after these two things (emotional responsibility and direction) themselves too. It seems much more pleasant to deal with.  Smiling (click to insert in post)




I recently learned that my biggest problem in relationships was that I was a sitting duck waiting for someone to pick me
I appreciate this a little bit. It's difficult for women today because how much interest are you supposed to give, show, and withhold--and why. When we aren't with a partner, and we're healthy, in the field, game whatever--are we sitting ducks or proactively available?

One of my core values now is to have a relationship with someone I genuinely admire for the kind of person he is: kind, caring, knows who he is, loves self and others for who he/she is, and committed to a relationship with one woman.
Noble wants zachira.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  From a dating perspective, it's quite interesting post-pwBPD-relationship. Something that interested me was not 'showing all my cards at once', not so much to consciously 'create interest', but more to have a clearer view of what that person is like when they've not seen all my cards. To have more accurate results for experiments of what 'this' relationship may look like.

To me, your qualities here are things I desire in a woman too, and one of my fears is 'showing' a potential partner these 'answers' before I've assessed what fit they would be for me. After all, on Masterson and 1 person whom he considered had a "borderline dilemma",
Excerpt
[... .] he was able to draw other people into providing for him what he was unable to do for himself. In the course of his travels, he amassed an extraordinary range of people throughout western Europe and the United States who were prepared to be his caretakers; [... .]
So this is a warning and begs the dating non to exercise 'adequate' caution--moreso if your want is to categorically avoid pwBPDs.

Moreover I think it's quite a good way to go about it because it's more informative and you get cleaner signals when dating. I approached relationships this way later on, and it seems to pay off--especially contrasting against the 'disclose all' enmeshment-style I used with the pwBPD.

Looking back, I think I came 'back' to what a healthy approach here was, regarding disclosure and building interest. PwBPDs seem quite adept at 'forcing' disclosure and building their quantity of caretakers.

(edit) To me, doing things by way of safer caution and experimentation is a way of acting in understanding of how entangling pwBPDs or unhealthy others can be. Perhaps honouring the truth of the environment we operate in.


Simply, I think it's about taking that observer standpoint, bringing that patience, kindness, and lack of self-seeking interest that then allows the prospective date to 'just be'. Then you can observe if you have someone that is truly "kind, caring, knows who he is, loves self and others for who he/she is, and committed to a relationship with one woman".




I have learned that it is important to look for someone we can trust from the very beginning and don't have to wonder about what this person is doing when he/she is not with us.
... .
A person with integrity is transparent and easy to get along with, and is someone we can trust to act with integrity when nobody is looking.
Yes and yes! Bang on.   Smiling (click to insert in post)   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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zachira
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« Reply #16 on: July 16, 2018, 04:08:38 PM »

Gotbushels.
I always appreciate your kind, and well thought out replies.
I think you and I are possibly talking about the same thing when trying to find a healthy relationship: being present in the moment so we really observe what is going on with ourselves and who we are interacting with in the moment. Indeed if a person is not present, they are not fully able to take in what is going on inside them and or in the external world. It takes being present for long periods of time with another person to develop a deep friendship or romantic relationship. We cannot skip over the basics in this fast paced world where hooking up ignores basic relating skills and causes a lot of hurt that cannot be repaired.
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« Reply #17 on: July 16, 2018, 08:57:25 PM »

my ex and I are both very sensitive people

Same here. That's also the reason why the NON can eventually feel like the pwBPD: There is this similar emotional intensity.

So what's the difference: the ability to regulate those emotions. To talk about things. To try and account for the feelings of the other as well as possible.
What I see in her was ultimately complete dysregulation, no willingness to talk and a complete disregard of my feelings.
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« Reply #18 on: July 18, 2018, 11:02:43 AM »

EX wife and I have commonalities and differences. She is a very good, reliable, dedicated mother. She plans fantastic vacations, he's very well looked after. That is what we have in common. Our difference is she is a devious, sneaky lier. Everything she does is thought out in devious detail. It's like she has 2 very different sides. Nurchering side and the dark side. I say xw is a fantastic mother and for the most part she is but my sister get very upset when I say this because xw has turned s11 against my family and sis says a good parent doesn't do those things. Xw does have s11 mentally conditioned but I'm aware of it and will be there for s11. When s11 is with me his mother knows every move we make and he gets tears in his eyes if she calls when we are at my family because he doesn't want her to know or he gets pretty worried if he misses her texts when he's with me but I can go 2 or 3 days with no reply to my texts when he is with his mother. I guess it boiles down to her being a wolf in sheeps clothing.
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #19 on: July 19, 2018, 12:44:51 PM »

I possess empathy. I am aware my actions could affect others in profound ways. I am careful and thoughtful in my approach to other people. I am also very respectful of others beliefs even if I do not possess the same.

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« Reply #20 on: July 21, 2018, 08:34:17 AM »

I always appreciate your kind, and well thought out replies.
Thank you zachira and it's very satisfying to me--even edifying--to discuss and work through ideas together with you.   Smiling (click to insert in post) I think it's quite obvious we're both interested in building ideas of what helps us to have those healthy relationships we want.

Indeed if a person is not present ... .
Yes. Truly.

We cannot skip over the basics in this fast paced world where hooking up ignores basic relating skills and causes a lot of hurt that cannot be repaired.
Yes. This is something I try to do in my relationships--keep the basics functioning well, even when timetables are moving quite quickly. It's not always easy, especially given we agree on what you said "It takes being present for long periods of time". E.g., when something is so important to us, we've been dating for 6 months, the "he/she should know"s start to creep in, and there's time pressure. We know it's hard being in wisemind and present under pressure, so when we do persist and prevail, I think that's something worth celebrating. I think that too is really true (and very valuable) for longer relationships, which--as you rightly said--take that bigger time investment.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Knowing these things and how our interests differ from our exSO's interests, I think that helps in knowing interests with new people, and working with those. So the differentiation helps.  Smiling (click to insert in post)




So what's the difference: the ability to regulate those emotions. To talk about things. To try and account for the feelings of the other as well as possible.
Yes EdR! Emotional regulation, openness to confront a difficult emotional issue, accounting for other individuals. We are quite gifted on the non side with these abilities.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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