A new issue has reared it's ugly head.  Today, our youngest started playing in the sink.  He tried to fill his fire truck up with water and carrying it around.  I told him no, tried to take the toy away.  Ended up with him hollering and hitting the toy loudly against the sink.  Woke up my bph which caused him to yell for him to shut up and then proceed to berate me about how I can't control our child and how I am doing it on purpose.

Fast forward to him flying off the handle about how everyone is a bunch of @ssholes, etc.  He was hollering and threatening.  I was being quiet by being side blinded so he goaded me.  Telling me to go ahead and get angry, get my attitude, tell him that I want to leave again, yell and hit him, cause he was ready, ready to brawl, that he was ready to blow up... Egging me, saying come on.  All the while yelling.

Anyways, we had a long chat.  He was really spiteful, seething with anger, telling me that he could make my life bad since I want to play the victim.  How he was tired of being the boogie man I make him out to be and throwing it back in my face when I asked him if it ever occurred to him that he broke me.  I said it when I was pretty mad.  I mentioned we both agreed that we have said some pretty mean things when we got mad.  Told me it didn't matter, I said it (double standard).

It's moments like this I want to tell him if I am so horrible to go call his gf he would rather go out drinking with then be with me.  Oh and I have become more ballsy apparently.  Like... Excuse me for believing that you are going to put your hands on my neck anymore.

By all rights, if I left him, I would be justified for all the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse he has put me through.  Today, I am extremely pissed off to where I want to tell him to go be alone like he seems to want to be.

Help... I need some self soothing tips.

Can you take a walk... .go to the park with your kid?

 

I am mobile... .will check in on you later.  Be kind to yourself.

FF

I feel okay with how I responded.  It was clear that he was in a way with his anger that me trying to reason with him, pacify him, or even try to calm him down was pointless.  Better let him hang himself.  I am still upset with him.  He pulled the crap on Sunday, ruined our outing Monday, and now today, he blows his gasket.  I have done nothing wrong to deserve any of it and I think he's an a$$hole for his behavior last few days.

I'm not going to play victim though or join his little "I keep messing things up" parade he has going for himself.  I'm keeping my mind straight because if I do that, I have nothing to say I'm sorry for.  He's the one acting like a jerk and me not blowing up on him, gave him no ammunition to blame me for anything.

Still a little upset if anyone can tell.

Did he apologize to the child?

I'm thinking, since this is a "new" you, that you need to sleep on this and then find a good time to chat with him about it tomorrow. 

You DO need to tell him you appreciate his apology... .I suggest after that you ask to hear his thoughts about what can make next time better.

Still thinking about this some... .

Thoughts?


FF

Just to make sure:  He is trying "to get the old you back".  Sort of an "extinction burst".

How old is the child?

Have you said you accept his apology?  Has there been a discussion about the future, how to avoid these things?

My big picture:  His outbursts should result in more of what he doesn't want.  Times when he is reasonable should give him more of "good Frankee".

This will take time... .but I would take this as a "badge of honor" for you.

FF

Reconciliation can have some religious connotations, yet I think it is applicable across all types of relationships.

Apology is an expression of sorrow

Asking for forgiveness is a "step up" from apology
 
Granting forgiveness essentially means that the "wronged person" will no long seek "redress"or "punishment" towards the offender.

Reconciliation:  Generally takes both parties (wronged and the wrong doer) to actively take steps to "bring the relationship back together again"... .this is a step up from granting forgiveness.

What I have said to my wife on some issues is that she is forgiven, yet the relationship remains reconciled and that I'm open to working on reconciliation.

Here is the thing, that is perhaps particular to the "conflicted" board.  :)o we want to reconcile?  

It is entirely possible to grant forgiveness, yet express that you don't want to reconcile and move on with your life.

Frankee... .I would sort through these concepts in your head and "encourage" your husband (leave door open for him to keep "upgrading"... .but I wouldn't "demand" it... .very different than letting him know what you expect.

The hard part... .is that they will "feel shamed" and not want to.  Let them connect the dots on that.  The shame is NOT the reconciliation... it's the actions prior to... . If they don't want shame... .don't do the actions.  

Don't save them from that uncomfortable truth.

FF

Hey... .Frankee.  That was very considerate of you to put his potential feelings first about kids.  However, given the "temperature" of the r/s... I'm not sure it was wise for either of you.

Figuring out how to not wail on each other and whether or not to have more kids really aren't thoughts that go together (IMO)

Step 1.  Reduce temp... .stop destructive behaviors... .let the r/s develop for a while.  Then have "hear to heart". 

I'm guessing if you can get 6 months of "calm" (again... likely relative)... .then perhaps bring it up again.

Thoughts?

FF

ditto!

So you're not sure you love him enough to have another baby with him and you remember how little he helped you with the last baby. He's shown a pattern of running off to do whatever he wanted and leaving you with the responsibility of taking care of the kids. And you don't feel safe about being able to disclose your feelings without him turning it back on you.

It's good that you are looking deep within about this relationship and assessing how it might play out in the future. 

Cross post with Cat.

In your case, it seems that he was not helpful with parenting.
 
I love having a little baby around and honestly, my wife and I were good with that part.  I would change a diaper get the kid ready and then hand over to Mom for breast feeding.  Usually then bring Mom something while she was feeding.

So... .you've got practicalities to think about, in addition to the stress on your romantic relationship.

FF

It sounds like he gets cranky in the morning. Do you think this is related to drinking or drug usage? Or maybe he doesn't sleep well?

So you're going about your responsibilities of getting dinner preparations and taking the youngest so that your H won't be disturbed.

You give your H the latitude to go off by himself and do things he wants to do, but he doesn't extend that courtesy to you and instead accuses you of wasting money and infidelity.

What sort of issues would you like to discuss in counseling? How about sharing this with us so we can help you phrase things to make them less triggering for your H?

It sounds like you're really seeing the incongruity between how he behaves and what he expects from you.

So how do you think he'd respond if you trash talked men, loved getting attention from them, threatened to cheat or hung out with men he didn't know.
Not good, huh?

He tells you that you're a party pooper who won't let him have fun, yet he's doing lots of things that make you uncomfortable.

How do you feel about being aware of this and how does that bode for the future with him?

Good work, Frankee!

It takes a lot of self-discipline to validate when another part of us wants to get down in the mud with them. At those times, when I'm tempted to shoot my mouth off, I remember words of wisdom from another member, Grey Kitty, who says, "No good will come of this."

It's great that he apologizes when he sees he's been in the wrong. And I'm sure it's because you've changed your behavior! Good work! 

So tough when you’re dealing with three unruly boys!

You definitely need time to recharge your batteries. So if the house isn’t perfectly clean, so what!

I’m divided upon whether or not to give him a preview of what you want to talk about in counseling. If he’s in a good mood, maybe.

You don’t want to dump a whole load of stuff at once, so which issue is the most pressing in your mind?

If he already doesn’t “fight fair” you might wait until you have the counselor to keep things on the rails.

Whatever you choose to do, it’s a good sign that he’s willing to go with you.

You are really getting the hang of this Frankee!  It's not fun, not fair, but it does defuse things and can make our lives much more tolerable.

It seems he has a pattern of getting dysregulated when he's woken up early. Not a lot you can do about that considering you have young boys and you cannot control exterior noise such as lawn mowing.

What this tells me is that his sleep hygiene is not so good. IDK, but I would bet lots of pwBPD are running on empty regarding good sleep. The latest research on sleep deprivation shows that even mild sleep deprivation as a regular pattern (such as 5-6 hours a night) can produce mood swings and be as debilitating as being legally intoxicated--regarding driving and other tasks that require full attention. Lots of people say they get by on little sleep, but the data says those folks are a true rarity.

Alcohol and coffee further contribute to poor quality of sleep and inability to fall asleep if they're consumed in the late afternoon or evening. And who drinks alcohol in the morning? That indicates other issues. So if not enough good quality sleep impacts emotionally healthy people in ways that undermines good intellectual functioning as well as emotional regulation--you can imagine how it affects people who already have problems with emotional regulation.

My husband used to stay up regularly until 2 or 3 in the morning then complain about not being able to sleep well. I tried to talk him into having a regular bedtime. You know how JADE works! 

So what I started doing was to go to bed every night by 10:30. Having a good night of sleep certainly gave me a lot more emotional resources to deal with him. And to my surprise, he's started to go to bed earlier on a regular basis too.

Yes, any excuse--even the flimsiest such as no cold sodas--is good enough for a pwBPD when they need to blame someone else for their bad mood.