New Member: I'm having affairs and don't know how to handle my BPDh

[BeagleGirl]

At the same time, I know I would have never gone outside marriage if my husband had loved and respected my feelings. Because he doesn't,  I can honestly say I don't regret breaking the vows. The man I'm having an affair with is the first man in my life who seems to love me and honestly care about me.  I don't want to part with that feeling.  

jsgirl360,
Hi.  I usually hang out on the Learning board, so I'm coming to your story late, but the title struck a chord with me.  The quote above also jumped out for me, because I have felt exactly the way you describe.  My way of putting it was "My husband has no interest in what I am giving this other man, so I'm not taking anything from him."  I may have been committing adultery, but I wasn't stealing. 

There is a lot in your posts that I can relate to.  I was the sole breadwinner, primary parent, and "marriage keeper" for close to 20 years.  I can tell you the day I gave up on my marriage.  It kind of amazes me that it took 18 years.  I never intended to betray my marriage vows, even after I gave up.  But then there was this man who WANTED me.  He loved me and cared for me and gave me all the things that my husband had been refusing to provide.  And all the time and energy I poured into this new relationship... .dBPDxh never felt the loss of it. 

While I did a really good job at getting myself to a place where I could reconcile what I was doing, I couldn't stay there.  I started having panic attacks.  I lost 10lbs in the 6 weeks that I was carrying on my affair.  I yelled at God to leave me alone.  I couldn't leave my marriage, it wasn't going to get better, and this wasn't hurting anyone.  But then my affair partner expressed an interest in leaving his marriage for me and I couldn't live with the idea of trading my happiness for that of our spouses and children and all the other people who would be hurt.  So I ended the affair.  And I found a final reserve of "fight" left for my marriage.  I prayed that God would help me to see the ugliness of my sin and to feel love for my husband again.  I confessed my affair to my husband because the most hurtful part of my marriage had been the lack of intimacy and I knew that if I was always needing to protect the secret of my affair I could never have true intimacy with my husband. 

It has taken me over 4 years to regain what I lost - what I gave away - of myself in having my affair.  This is going to sound self-centered, but of all the losses that was the greatest.  I can say that affair will always be the greatest regret of my life.  I don't need to leave any opening for future regrets being greater because I know that I will never allow myself to reach a point of self-deception where I will willfully do so much damage to myself and others again. 

What I can't quite fully regret - being loved by my affair partner.  It opened my eyes to the perversion of the word "marriage" that I was in.  It opened my heart to the belief that I could be loved that way.  My affair partner's last words to me were "I truly hope that you can find someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved." 

I spent 2 more years trying to make my husband be that person who would love me the way I should be loved.  I put my all into repairing the damage I had done to my marriage through my affair, then tried to address the damage that was there before my affair.  I was determined to have the type of marriage that glorified God.  But, as has been observed already, that kind of marriage takes two.  While dBPDxh put forth an amazing amount of effort after I revealed my affair, the old patterns quickly set back in.  We did LOTS of marriage counseling.  Ultimately, our definition of marriage diverged to the point where we couldn't sustain it.  I can't say I have biblical justification for my divorce.  I definitely don't have all the answers.  I just know that I did everything I could do to save my marriage, but I couldn't do it alone.

The one thing I wish I had done differently... .I wish I had done less to "save the marriage" in the years before my affair.  I wish I had been willing to have him leave the marriage when he threatened to, or been willing to demand a separation when the chronic issues were not being addressed.  I don't know if it really would have been possible, but I wish I had left the marriage with my integrity intact and then been free to be loved by someone who was free to love me. 

I hope you know that I'm not saying all of this to try to direct you.  I'm just sharing my story.  If you have any questions about it, please feel free to ask.  I have to run right now, but I will be back with a few questions/comments on your situation.

BeagleGirl

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The one thing I wish I had done differently... .I wish I had done less to "save the marriage" in the years before my affair.  I wish I had been willing to have him leave the marriage when he threatened to, or been willing to demand a separation when the chronic issues were not being addressed.  I don't know if it really would have been possible, but I wish I had left the marriage with my integrity intact and then been free to be loved by someone who was free to love me. 

This is very insightful. Members here who have been in affairs have a very different perspective going in than they do when they look back.

[Woodchuck]

jsgirl360,
Hi.  I usually hang out on the Learning board, so I'm coming to your story late, but the title struck a chord with me.  The quote above also jumped out for me, because I have felt exactly the way you describe.  My way of putting it was "My husband has no interest in what I am giving this other man, so I'm not taking anything from him."  I may have been committing adultery, but I wasn't stealing. 

There is a lot in your posts that I can relate to.  I was the sole breadwinner, primary parent, and "marriage keeper" for close to 20 years.  I can tell you the day I gave up on my marriage.  It kind of amazes me that it took 18 years.  I never intended to betray my marriage vows, even after I gave up.  But then there was this man who WANTED me.  He loved me and cared for me and gave me all the things that my husband had been refusing to provide.  And all the time and energy I poured into this new relationship... .dBPDxh never felt the loss of it. 

While I did a really good job at getting myself to a place where I could reconcile what I was doing, I couldn't stay there.  I started having panic attacks.  I lost 10lbs in the 6 weeks that I was carrying on my affair.  I yelled at God to leave me alone.  I couldn't leave my marriage, it wasn't going to get better, and this wasn't hurting anyone.  But then my affair partner expressed an interest in leaving his marriage for me and I couldn't live with the idea of trading my happiness for that of our spouses and children and all the other people who would be hurt.  So I ended the affair.  And I found a final reserve of "fight" left for my marriage.  I prayed that God would help me to see the ugliness of my sin and to feel love for my husband again.  I confessed my affair to my husband because the most hurtful part of my marriage had been the lack of intimacy and I knew that if I was always needing to protect the secret of my affair I could never have true intimacy with my husband. 

It has taken me over 4 years to regain what I lost - what I gave away - of myself in having my affair.  This is going to sound self-centered, but of all the losses that was the greatest.  I can say that affair will always be the greatest regret of my life.  I don't need to leave any opening for future regrets being greater because I know that I will never allow myself to reach a point of self-deception where I will willfully do so much damage to myself and others again. 

What I can't quite fully regret - being loved by my affair partner.  It opened my eyes to the perversion of the word "marriage" that I was in.  It opened my heart to the belief that I could be loved that way.  My affair partner's last words to me were "I truly hope that you can find someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved." 

I spent 2 more years trying to make my husband be that person who would love me the way I should be loved.  I put my all into repairing the damage I had done to my marriage through my affair, then tried to address the damage that was there before my affair.  I was determined to have the type of marriage that glorified God.  But, as has been observed already, that kind of marriage takes two.  While dBPDxh put forth an amazing amount of effort after I revealed my affair, the old patterns quickly set back in.  We did LOTS of marriage counseling.  Ultimately, our definition of marriage diverged to the point where we couldn't sustain it.  I can't say I have biblical justification for my divorce.  I definitely don't have all the answers.  I just know that I did everything I could do to save my marriage, but I couldn't do it alone.

The one thing I wish I had done differently... .I wish I had done less to "save the marriage" in the years before my affair.  I wish I had been willing to have him leave the marriage when he threatened to, or been willing to demand a separation when the chronic issues were not being addressed.  I don't know if it really would have been possible, but I wish I had left the marriage with my integrity intact and then been free to be loved by someone who was free to love me. 

I hope you know that I'm not saying all of this to try to direct you.  I'm just sharing my story.  If you have any questions about it, please feel free to ask.  I have to run right now, but I will be back with a few questions/comments on your situation.

BeagleGirl

BeagleGirl-
I feel that I could have written almost exactly what you wrote just.  My biggest regret is the affair that I had.  The relationship lasted a few weeks and culminated with us sleeping together.  Immediately after that, I knew that I had to confess the affair to my W.  I had felt loved like I hadn't in years by the woman that I had been seeing but at the same time I felt absolutely horrible about it.  It is amazing how you can feel loved and guilty all at the same time.  Like you, we went to many counselors, both before and after the affair.  None really helped anything.  After the affair, it was like our relationship and anything that happened prior to that was erased in my W's mind.  To her, the affair is where all the problems started.  It didn't/doesn't matter that there is a lot of evidence of turmoil for years prior to the affair.  We have stayed together since the affair (12 years now, 18 years total) and are seemingly on the verge of divorce.  At the time of the affair, I felt like our relationship was over as there was talk of divorce and her moving out.  I mention this not to justify my decision to have a relationship with someone else but to compare it to where I am at now.  I am starved for love/affection/validation etc but as hungry as I am, I cannot allow myself to step out to gain that again as the price that is paid (in my experience) is much to high.  The hurt and pain that I caused my W and subsequently our children etc is just not worth the good feeling that I might get for a few days/weeks/months.  At the same time, I cannot judge or really fault anyone that seeks to have their needs met by someone outside their marriage.  As you stated, I believe that for me, it would have been much better and healthier for everyone if I had filed for divorce and kept my integrity and then move on.  There would have been much less pain involved that way.  It pains me every day, even 12 years later to see how much pain my W still deals with and is unable to resolve.  I am at the point now, with my wife telling me that she wants a divorce, to let her go.  I have fought for our marriage for years with little success and as the saying goes, if you love something, you have to set it free.  I have been far from a perfect spouse and am to blame for a good share of our issues.  I have come to the point where I realize that no matter how much the past is rehashed and how many times I apologize, I cannot go back and undo any hurt.  I am understanding that my W may be unable to process her pain and grief and find a way to move on while staying in the relationship.  My focus is shifting from saving the marriage to doing what is going to be best for our children.  They do not deserve to live in a home where there is endless conflict.  Thank you for sharing your story and insight!

Woodchuck

[Woodchuck]

Woodchuck... .Good evening/night! Thank you for your reply.  

The reason I asked you to look up empaths, is that empaths are often the most vulnerable victims of energy vampires. You describe well the feeling of having energy sucked out. I'm about to start reading a book "odging Energy Vampires" - hopefully it will be helpful.  I'm especially energy sensitive.  When my husband leaves the house, I can actually feel the energy "lift". I used to have the same feeling with my father (who I now suspect was uBPD) - for some reason I couldn't rest until he walked out the door. Now I understand.  I am also sensitive to "good" energy.  When someone exudes a really positive, calming energy, I can enjoy just sitting by them and "basking" in their energy. I know this might sound really strange to someone who isn't energy sensitive.

As for marriage vows, breaking certain ones are more damaging than others. I know what I did could cause a lot of harm to my children if they found out. At the same time, I know I would have never gone outside marriage if my husband had loved and respected my feelings. Because he doesn't,  I can honestly say I don't regret breaking the vows. The man I'm having an affair with is the first man in my life who seems to love me and honestly care about me.  I don't want to part with that feeling.  

As for someone diagnosed with BPD being accountable for the choices they make... .that's a tough one. They seem to blame everyone except themselves. It may be some kind of defense mechanism.  My husband even has admitted he can't take responsibility for his actions.

I'll write more soon... .hope this is legible ... .I'm in 4 hours of sleep today

jsgirl360-
Good afternoon!  Hopefully you were able to get a bit more rest.  I seem to be attempting to function on 4 or so hours of sleep more often than not. 
What I have found interesting is now others notice a significant difference in my energy/anxiety level when I am not around my W.  I don't really fault her for that especially as I gain more of an understanding that it is not anything that she is doing intentionally or consciously.  I do wish that there was a way for things to change.
I completely understand not wanting to part with the feeling of being loved and appreciated and wanted.  I did not want to give that up.  It was amazing to feel that way.  For me, I felt like even though I believed that my marriage was over at the time, I still had to bring the truth to light.  I understand that everyone has different thoughts and feeling regarding these kinds of issues and I can identify with where you are at and keeping it to yourself. The most important thing is to stay true to yourself.

Woodchuck

[zachira]

My concern is that choosing to have an affair is choosing to be with someone who is not available. Someone who is really available would also choose a partner that is available. Very few affairs lead to marriage. I have had many married men try to have an affair with me, and all of them lacked empathy for their spouse, and I believe would have eventually treated me as badly as they did their wives.

[BeagleGirl]

jsgirl360,
Okay.  I'm back with those comments/questions.

As I said before, even 4 years and a divorce and a mountain of pain later, I can't fully regret being loved by my affair partner.  That experience was the catalyst for so much change in how I viewed myself and the nature of love and marriage.  While my marriage did not survive, I hope that he's not just staying married for the sake of the kids.  I hope that he and his wife have been able to heal and build the marriage that he wanted.  I also hope that I will fully own the message of my worth that he started to give me before I commit to another relationship.  As my T says, it's nice to have a man tell you that you are worth his love, but it makes all the difference to know that for yourself without needing to be told. 

I now question whether my affair partner would have been able to maintain that level of love and care for me.  I think that, had we taken the road of leaving our marriages and continuing our relationship, we would have been torn apart by the obligations of our respective guilt.  Maybe we could have weathered it, but I think he would have felt the need to give more time to his kids because of the guilt of breaking up the family and I would have resented it and felt horrible about the fact that I resented it. 

Enough about me.  Here are the questions I promised:

Where are you with your relationship with your affair partner?  Have either of you considered or discussed a more permanent relationship?  Do you think that you will be able to maintain this affair long term?

Where are you with your relationship with yourself?  As Woodchuck said, "The most important thing is to be true to yourself."  Are you able to be at peace when you are alone with yourself, or do you only feel comfortable when with your affair partner or distracted and busy?

How much energy do you want to invest in bettering your marriage?  If your husband started to show change/growth, would you feel the desire to leave the affair and work toward something better?

What would you do if the affair was discovered?  Would you let your marriage implode, or would you try to repair if your husband wanted to?

I know what the answers to those questions were for me when I was in your shoes.  I know that I was asking myself most of them at the time.  You may be as well.  If you don't mind sharing your answers with us, I hope it might lead to more clarity for you about what you want. 

BG

[jsgirl360]

BeagleGirl... .thank you so much for your reply!  So much of what you said, resonates with me.

You put my thoughts into words perfectly: "My husband has no interest in what I'm giving the other man, so I am not taking anything from him." This couldn't ring more true!  If anything,  husband might be feeling some relief since I no longer bother him with unwanted physical touch or attempts to have deep conversations. Like your ex-husband,  my husband seems to "not feel the loss" of the time and energy I'm putting into the affair.  That's a part of me he has never desired.

I admire the bravery and courage you had to confess the affair to your husband.  I know I could never do the same because his reaction would be much different.  Many years ago, when I was still in love with him, I could see how dysfunctional things were getting and begged him to try counseling.  He refused, and told me point blank he would not work on himself or the marriage.  His rationale is, the marriage should work out on its own, otherwise its not worth saving.   However, from what I've encountered,  even the best marriages require both sides to put in some effort.

If I were to tell him about the affair, there would be lots of terrible drama. He would most likely move out. And worst of all, my kids would be traumatized. I would rather they don't experience any more trauma than they already do with his daily BPD behaviors.  Also, I don't want to hurt my husband's feelings (even though he has no regard for mine.)

Maybe it's from the years of abuse I've tolerated, but I don't feel any guilt about having the affair.  If I had a husband who loved and cared about me, I probably would be unable to live with myself right now. I guess after all these years, I've finally decided I deserve to be loved, even if I'm going about it the wrong way.

Another thing you said that really resonated: that you wish you would have let husband leave the marriage when he threatened to. I couldn't agree more. Especially at the beginning of the marriage,  he would threaten to divorce/move out at any kind of conflict (he has no desire to solve disagreements in a constructive manner). These conflicts were anything from his teenage niece not liking me to him not wanting tacos for dinner. At the time, I was emotionally attached to him, so I begged him not to go. Looking back, if he was willing to leave over something so minor, I should have just let him go. And, like you say, I would be in a very different situation right now and be able to love someone freely.

In response to your questions (I appreciate you asking these, they also help me to reflect.) I've been in my affair for about 7 months now.  He has said he wants more and wishes we were in a more permanent relationship,  but that isn't possible for him. In his culture,  divorce is looked upon as shameful... .so he has no intentions of leaving his wife and shaming his family. (I believe he's being truthful .) I stay in my own marriage for the kids, so it works. I would stay in the affair as long as he wants me. However, he's only in my area for work. He lives in a different part of the country but spends most of the week near me. Problem is, at any time he can be transferred very far away and there would be no way for us to be together.

Honestly,  I don't think I would want a permanent relationship/marriage with him, for the simple reason that he had an affair with me. I know it might sound like a double standard, since I'm doing the same thing... .but if he's doing this now, who is to say he wouldn't do it to me with another woman? How do I know he isn't right now?

In regards to marriage in general,  being married to a BPD has traumatized me so much that I could never imagine myself taking the risk of getting married again. I would be willing to have a relationship,  dinner dates, long walks through the city... .but for me, inviting someone to share a living space with me would be too much risk... .what if the person turned out to be BPD?

Next question... .I do feel at peace with myself.  Actually I feel the most at peace when I'm alone and have time to relax (doesn't happen often).  I know it might make me sound awful that I'm not feeling guilt for the affair.  Usually,  if I suspect I hurt anyone,  I'm the type to feel guilt strongly. In this case, I just don't.  I think I might have just decided I deserve to be loved and valued after years of hearing that I do not.

Over the years, I've invested massive energy into bettering my marriage.  For years I was more than willing to try to make my marriage work completely on my own, often as my husband pulled in the other direction. As it's written in other posts, it takes 2 people to make a marriage work. The emotional and verbal abuse eventually got to be too much, and I fell out of love with him.  I don't think it's possible for me to feel the same towards him that I once did, especially after experiencing intimacy with an emotionally healthy person.  The chances of my husband showing change/growth is slim to none, since he seems so determined to not change. If he did, I might be willing to try, but he would have to pull his share.

If the affair was discovered,  the marriage would most likely implode.  Husband would leave, and honestly there isn't much left of my marriage to salvage.

Heading back to work now... .thank you for all your insight and information... .  also. I hope that you do find that loving relationship that you very much deserve.

[jsgirl360]

Zacchira... .I suspect the same of men who have affairs. This is why I would never marry the man I was having an affair with, simply because he is having an affair with me.  

I know that sounds like such a double standard.  

I'm not readily available myself, so for the moment the affair is a way to get some emotional and physical needs met, needs that haven't been touched for years.  For the long term, I know it couldn't work.  

Woodchuck... .Thank you... .and yes, I did get some rest.  I can definitely understand your anxiety or even "walking on eggshells" around your wife.  It could be the energy vampire phenomenon... .or do you think you could even be feeling anxiety because of the unpredictable nature of her BPD behavior?  I've experienced that too.

You are right, it's amazing to feel loved and wanted... .especially after so many years of not feeling that way. It's not something I will readily let go of... .especially not to work on a relationship with a pwBPD who cannot contribute anything emotional.  

I wanted to add something... .I honestly don't blame my husband for his behavior.  I believe he could put in more effort to control it... .but I don't think he would choose BPD if he knew there was something different out there. Still, I know BPD was never his choice and something he will always struggle with.

Hoping you have a great weekend

[formflier]

  Still, I know BPD was never his choice and something he will always struggle with.

Another thing you said that really resonated: that you wish you would have let husband leave the marriage when he threatened to. 

  but I wish I had left the marriage with my integrity intact and then been free to be loved by someone who was free to love me. 
 

Jsgirl360,

I'm sure that BeagleGirl has also said that she wished she let her husband leave, or words to that effect.  What I'm hoping you will see and reflect on is not so much what BG would have "let" someone else do, but what she wishes she would have done herself.

Thoughts?

FF

[Woodchuck]

I admire the bravery and courage you had to confess the affair to your husband.  I know I could never do the same because his reaction would be much different.  Many years ago, when I was still in love with him, I could see how dysfunctional things were getting and begged him to try counseling.  He refused, and told me point blank he would not work on himself or the marriage.  His rationale is, the marriage should work out on its own, otherwise its not worth saving.   However, from what I've encountered,  even the best marriages require both sides to put in some effort.

If I were to tell him about the affair, there would be lots of terrible drama. He would most likely move out. And worst of all, my kids would be traumatized. I would rather they don't experience any more trauma than they already do with his daily BPD behaviors.  Also, I don't want to hurt my husband's feelings (even though he has no regard for mine.)

jsgirl-
Good morning!  I have often wondered if things would be any different if I did not admit to the affair and was able to keep it hidden.  It is really a difficult question to answer.  I think that if there are two emotionally healthy people in a relationship and one has an affair, that it would be healthy for the offending partner to confess and both partners work towards healing if that is what they both desire.  If one or both partners are not emotionally/mentally healthy, I agree that it become a bit more complicated.  Yes, the 'right/moral' thing to do in our society would be to confess but does that mean that it is really the 'right' thing to do in that situation?  I am not sure.  It is interesting to contemplate how things may have been if I kept it hidden.  Due to the already elevated conflict combined with the guilt that I decided I could not live with, I don't know that things would have been better if I had not said anything but I find myself questioning my decision to confess at times.

Honestly,  I don't think I would want a permanent relationship/marriage with him, for the simple reason that he had an affair with me. I know it might sound like a double standard, since I'm doing the same thing... .but if he's doing this now, who is to say he wouldn't do it to me with another woman? How do I know he isn't right now?

I think you are very wise to look at things that way.  I have never understood why someone would have an affair and then marry the person that they are having an affair with.  It does work out at times but as you pointed out, the relationship is not based on trust.  Both parties know that they are both capable of having an affair and there is no way to really get around that and it is bound to cause problems later on.  I can easily see conflict escalating quickly because of this and the anxiety over wondering if the person is having an affair whenever there is conflict etc.

As to your question about anxiety.  I think it may be a combination.  I get the draining feeling even when things are 'good'.  It is a very odd feeling to be physically close to someone, having them 'cuddling' with you and feel like you are being sapped of any feeling of connection or something like that.
I am getting to the point where I am not blaming my W for her behavior.  I am realizing that she is most likely unaware of what she is doing.  Coming to that realization helps a little with reducing the pain and frustration but it does not help with the loneliness and emptiness.

I hope you have a great weekend as well.  Hopefully you can catch up on some sleep.

Woodchuck

[zachira]

From your reply to me, I think you fully understand that the man you are having an affair with is not marriage material and is not really available. What I am wondering about is if you have ever thought about how having an affair could be related to choosing to marry a husband with BPD and your overall functioning in relationships. You now have two unavailable men in your life, unavailable in different ways though there might be some unrecognized similarities. I have had relationships with men that had the spice of being forbidden though nobody was married or in a relationship, which created a lot of passion and hot sex, that would have not existed indefinitely in a normal long term healthy relationship. When these relationships ended, there was pain and just that empty feeling inside that I had for many years because I really did not know how to have a loving relationship with a man and was attracted to only unavailable men because I was unavailable as well. I am wondering if you might consider thinking about what a healthy relationship would look like and how you would get one if the opportunity were ever to arise. I am in no way suggesting that you leave your husband or end your affair. What I am trying to say without offending you, is that by beginning the long journey of doing the work that will enable you to attract an available man into your life, you will start to attract all kinds of healthy people, and you will be a happier person for it. Just my thoughts. I await your reply and am not offended in any way if you disagree with what I have written.

[jsgirl360]

Hi! I want to thank everyone for the replies to my post. Sorry for the delayed response,  it's been a busy weekend between work and other commitments.  I wanted to make sure I was able to give a thoughtful reply.

Zachira,

Thank you for your insightful response and no, you didn't offend me at all. I completely agree with you that I might be unavailable for relationships.  Thinking of some of my previous posts, I think I mentioned I couldn't picture myself marrying again... .a dream relationship for me would be living in separate houses, meeting for dinner or a walk when we had the time, and then going back home to our respective living arrangements.  I have even thought that I wouldn't mind dating married men because they can go back home to their wives.

I know... .sounds terrible.  I didn't always feel like this. Mainly, I think living with a BPD husband for so many years has traumatized me and repelled me to the idea of marriage or anything more than a dating relationship. Also, I've never been in a healthy romantic relationship... .ever. Before my husband, in my early 20's, I tended to go for users/abusers.  A reason for that may be that I had a mentally ill father who I now believe was uBPD. At one time long ago I did hope for a happy, healthy marriage... .but I think I've been jaded.

So yes,  I'm unavailable towards romantic relationships.  Is that possible to change, or am I permanently damaged? I'm willing to work through those issues eventually,  especially if the time ever came that I was single again. What I'd really like to do now is attract healthy people into my life, not for romantic reasons but for friendships.

Woodchuck,

Again, I completely relate to being "sapped" of energy around husband.  Not only when he is near me, but even when he's in the same house. The only time I feel rejuvenated is when he drives away. From what you've said, I believe you may be "energy sensitive" as well.  I don't believe our spouses are aware at all of what they are doing or that they are energy vampires. They might not even have the same "sucking" effect on other people who aren't as sensitive.  I wish I had some advice for you on how to control it, but the only solution for me so far has been physical distance... .the same we would treat a "real" vampire!

FF,

Thank you for your reply, and again, I apologize for the delayed response. Reflecting on what BG wishes she had done herself... .left the marriage with her integrity intact rather than have an affair.  I feel that's the best choice for anyone. It's something I'll have to carry with me for the rest of my life, knowing I'm capable of having an affair. If I ever do become single again and meet someone,  I might have to hide my past (more lies)... .because if my affair ever became known, the question would always be in the back of someone's mind if I would do it again.  I don't feel guilt at the moment; down the road that could completely change. Finally,  I went against God's word... .the one who loves and cares for me the most. I know enough that when the positive emotions of this affair wear off, I might be left emptier than I started. This may all tie into what I wrote above, about not being able to see myself in a committed relationship in the future.

Update on H:
He had his surgery last week. It went better than expected,  meaning recovery time may be shorter. He's already having a difficult time being at home "off his routine", yelling and swearing at anyone in his vicinity. As I mentioned in a previous post, the BPD is more of an issue than his physical recovery.

One thing he's doing lately is listening to my phone conversations and yelling/swearing at me or the caller on the other end. A few times I've had to abruptly hang up to avoid further embarrassment.  I'm now leaning more towards texting or stepping outside while I'm on the phone.  Once he returns to work, I'll definitely be more appreciative of the little things I took for granted,  like having a conversation on the phone or walking out of a room without being criticized.

[zachira]

You would like to attract healthy people into your life for friendships. I recommend you read the book "Attached" by Levine and Heller, available on Amazon. It talks about how to heal our unhealthy relationship patterns and how to attract a healthy partner. Yes, it is about attracting a partner and you are not single, and what is in this book applies to attracting healthy friendships
which is the start to improving all our relationships with self and others.
I have for many years been involved in unhealthy relationships. I have done years of therapy, and now I have some really healthy friendships. I am still working on the relationship piece, and believe I will get there eventually. It is hard when we have been programed since childhood to please others and forget about our own needs.