Physical abuse. Again

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I triggered my girlfriend by asking her who a man was that texted her when she was drunk. She was being snappy with me and so I said “who is ... .). We then silently took a cab back to the hotel.


When we got to the hotel she destroyed everything. Including a glass table. She took the metal leg from the table and beat me with it. She punched me in the face more than a dozen times. I grabbed her once or twice and told her to stop hurting me. She looked at me and said “I’m not scared of you. I left the room and slept. Then flew home the next morning.


Now she is telling me this is all my fault for yriggering her. She is repeadlty telling me that I’m exaggerating the physical aspect of this and I have topical scratches. She is telling me this is my fault for triggering her. She is blocking my phone number and telling me she is leaving me because she deserves better.

Please give me insight. I’m trying to remain unbiased. I did indeed trigger her while she was very intoxicated. I know better. However I do feel like her response was no where near justified and that I shouldn’t be responsible for her past trauma. Please help

[Spam591]

I triggered my girlfriend by asking her who a man was that texted her when she was drunk. She was being snappy with me and so I said “who is ... .). We then silently took a cab back to the hotel.


When we got to the hotel she destroyed everything. Including a glass table. She took the metal leg from the table and beat me with it. She punched me in the face more than a dozen times. I grabbed her once or twice and told her to stop hurting me. She looked at me and said “I’m not scared of you. I left the room and slept. Then flew home the next morning.


Now she is telling me this is all my fault for yriggering her. She is repeadlty telling me that I’m exaggerating the physical aspect of this and I have topical scratches. She is telling me this is my fault for triggering her. She is blocking my phone number and telling me she is leaving me because she deserves better.

Please give me insight. I’m trying to remain unbiased. I did indeed trigger her while she was very intoxicated. I know better. However I do feel like her response was no where near justified and that I shouldn’t be responsible for her past trauma. Please help

[Gemsforeyes]

My dear Spam-
I am so very sorry for what’s happened to you.  Please stop thinking that you are responsible for her violent outbursts.  You are NOT.  I want to strongly urge you to contact your local domestic violence hotline this morning and speak to someone.  Better yet, go in there and see someone.  And report what happened and get this on record, for your own good.  And please try and NOT talk with your GF until you get some help and clarity for the trauma you’re going through. 

Your abuser will try to make you feel responsible for abusing you.  That responsibility lies squarely on HER shoulders,  NOT yours.  I am incensed, sorry.  I am so angry at what you’re being made to feel.

I am a survivor of abuse and sexual violence, and have NEVER raised a hand on someone else.  And never would, regardless of the words someone spoke to me.

I just read your previous posts.  I am hoping you will lift your eyes and see that this relationship, the way it functions now, is dangerous for you.  And her.  Please keep distance, both physically and communication-wise, Unless you see your future behind prison bars or worse.

Let’s please talk this through.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Cat Familiar]

Her behavior is her responsibility. Period.

I think Gems has a good point--that you should talk to people who do domestic violence counseling ASAP. Men really get the short end of the stick regarding this issue: they are the ones immediately blamed by law enforcement and they don't get heard or supported the way women do. People who understand domestic violence know this well and can advise you how to proceed. It's not a question of if it will happen again, it's when.

You don't deserve to be treated like this. No one does.   

[Spam591]

What if I triggered her and I knew what her triggers were? Granted I was very intoxicated so I wasn’t thinking straight.

Should I be responsible for avoiding her triggers if I’m choosing to be her partner?

Did I deserve the physical hitting and punching she gave me because I triggered her and I know her triggers? Was that abusive of me?

[Cat Familiar]

What if I triggered her and I knew what her triggers were? Granted I was very intoxicated so I wasn’t thinking straight.

Should I be responsible for avoiding her triggers if I’m choosing to be her partner?

I find that it's good not to be too under the influence with a BPD partner. It's easy enough to get blindsided when we're stone cold sober. But when our faculties are diminished, we're putting ourselves at a disadvantage.

Absolutely you should avoid her triggers if you want a nice relationship with her. You can see what happened when you didn't.

That said, her behavior is completely her responsibility. There is no excuse for physical, verbal or emotional violence.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Spam-
Please stay with us this time.  I understand, when things become this traumatic, it’s so hard to understand, and we as dedicated and loving partners of pwBPD so strongly believe that our LOVE will make them better.  And we go silent... .please don’t.  Your love cannot “fix” her.

She broke your jaw in April.  As Cat mentioned, it CAN be more difficult for men when faced with domestic violence, but it’s NOT as much in the shadows as it once was.  We have many men on our forum here who understand exactly what you’re facing.

You, my dear Spam, May have spoken words, but those words did NOT cause her to hit you 12 times across the head with a table leg.  That’s a hateful, dangerous and violent response.  She is solely responsible for those actions.  In your traumatized state of wanting to “ make it all better”, you’re willing to take on all responsibility. 

I am again urging you to please get help for yourself.  Please visit or talk to the DV people.  If not that, would you like to speak with some of our male members who have experienced this violence?

I am certain your BPDgf has some lovely qualities, but her illness is driving the relationship now.  And her actions may drive your REACTIONS.  You said in a prior post - you were afraid that if she did that again you would “kill her”. 

Yes, there are tools here to help YOU improve communication and set boundaries, but her behavior has crossed the line.  More than once. 

Please stay here and let us help you work through this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

Spam,

Gems and Cat have given you excellent advice.  Your words do not justify her violence.  No way, no how.  Not even close.  In the disordered reality she has established in your relationship, it may make sense that you "deserve" it.  But imagine a reasonable, objective person in the community watching a video of what happened, hearing you say something she doesn't like, then seeing her beating you with a deadly weapon.  Clearly her violence was unjustified.  There are not laws against saying an unwise thing to your girlfriend.  There are serious laws against beating someone with a table leg.

Did you consider reporting her violence to hotel management and the police?  What are your thoughts on that?  (I have been attacked and not reported more than I care to admit, so I'm not judging here).

The violence needs to stop.  Completely.  One of you could be killed.  All that it would take is a fall and striking a head on a hard surface during one of these confrontations.  The first step is for you to be crystal clear that you have a right for the violence to stop.  It doesn't seem like you're there yet.  Do you have any thoughts on why?

WW

[AskingWhy]

Spam, even though you understand the triggers and dysregulation are part of your partner's disorder--it is still very wrong and still abuse.

My uBPD/uNPD H, although not as violent as he once was, still occasionally breaks objects and punches holes in walls when he is acting out. 

Please protect yourself.   I agree with Gems that it's harder for men to come to terms with DV than women.

Start looking for resources and find a counselor if you are not already seeking therapy.

[Spam591]

Thank you guys! I went and got examined at the hospital last night so I have records.

She went from apologizing profusely, to minimizing my injuries and the damage to the room, to then telling me I’m a “pussy”, to now talking about how bad her bruises are, to her saying she should file a police report. I was very calm and even took a video during 1 minute of the incident to prove how crazy she was acting.

I have been trying to get space from her over the last 12 hours but she has been repeatedly calling and texting me. Starting out with “let’s break up” to now she is texting me saying she is having anxiety because I don’t want to repair things. She is also saying her mental illness is under control most of the time and that her BPD only shows up when she is triggered and pushed past the point of no return.

I don’t know what to do. When she is behaving she is literally the sweetest most loving woman I’ve ever known. And she is extremely beautiful inside and out. Her beauty is far beyond most. However, I hate her guts when she acts like this. I’m sticking around just in hope that she can always let the beautiful side show. Or atleast most of the time.

[Cat Familiar]

Ah, yes. The Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde syndrome. It’s a package deal, I’m afraid. They hook us with the wonderful side, then, BOOM!

I took a little poll of members here a few years ago and discovered that so many of us have remarkably attractive partners, and some of us feel incredibly lucky to have such a hottie that we will put up with really bad behavior that we would never tolerate from someone less attractive.

It’s not possible to just get the good part, but through using the tools, you can minimize the expression of the bad part, but it’s always there, waiting for an opportunity for expression—hopefully not as bad as what you just experienced.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Spam-
I am truly sorry that you find yourself in this painful and confusing position.  I sincerely hope you have family and friends around you who know about what has happened.  If you have not told anyone aside from people at the hospital, please DO tell someone else.  It IS important that you receive emotional support.  You are NOT responsible for being physically attacked.  And if you feel uncomfortable telling family or friends, please talk with DV People.  They will assist you with the confusion and trauma you are feeling.  We ARE here for you, however you need us, but I feel hearing a voice that is CONSISTENTLY ON YOUR SIDE will help you.

I urge you to try and NOT get on the phone with her.

Her natural instinct is to shift the blame onto you.  I’m not certain how much you know about this mental illness and the seriousness of it, but you’re experiencing it first hand, at a very dangerous extreme.  Please understand that you CANNOT “fix” her.  You cannot control ANYTHING she does.  No words you say or actions you take will alter her behavior.  You are basically powerless if you are near her.  Please keep physical space between you.

Please take a close look at her words, just as you’ve written them.  Her “profuse” apologies are negated as soon as she minimizes your injuries and calls you names.  First of all, in a healthy relationship, there should be NO INJURIES and NO NAME CALLING.  And an apology, profuse or not, will not stop the bleeding from wounds in your head. 

Please hear me.  My dear Spam, I know you are sad... .I am NOT trying to heighten the grief you are feeling.  When we are in abusive relationships, we tend to be in denial.  I know this firsthand.  She/he loves me.  She/he didn’t mean it.  But the thing is, when it happened, the INTENT WAS THERE.  The scar is there... .

And that scar Becomes more than what can be seen.  This is a harsh brand of “love”.  True love does not make us afraid to speak.  True love may make our hearts beat a bit faster, but not race with panic and fear for our lives and personal safety.

And external beauty?  It’s packaging, pure and simple.  A “beautiful” person understands self reflection.  They ask themselves the hard questions and take full responsibility for their OWN actions.  A beautiful person is caring and giving and thoughtful ALL the time.  A beautiful person is emotionally reliable and provides a safe haven to her lover.  Can you say that about her?

You cannot risk hoping her “beautiful” side will show itself.  Not until she enters full and intensive therapy.  You are her victim and you hold NO RESPONSIBILITY for her or her behavior  in any way, shape or form.

Your only thought needs to be getting help for yourself.

This is up to you, but I feel that The healthy thing for you in the here and now is to disengage from her for the time being.  Place your phone on silent and try not to text back.  With her, no matter what you do, she’ll escalate and send a barrage of texts because your wellbeing is NOT her concern.  Even if you send a message trying to explain that you’re hurt and need space she will not respect that.  Because only HER feelings matter to her.  I hope you understand that.  And that’s a painful thing to understand.  I know... .

Please take care of you, at least for now, so you can see with clearer vision what has happened to you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Spam,
I totally endorse what Gems has written.

Though you may want to resume this relationship in the future, please take a break now and get some counseling. As Wentworth has pointed out, the situation is dangerous to you both.

If it persists in its present patterns, one of you might end up in prison, one of you might end up in the morgue. This is very serious.

Cat

[Waddams]

I post very seldom these days, don't hardly look at websites like this anymore, but occasionally stop by and see what's going on.  I stumbled onto your thread, and just had to say a few things:

1.  Her violent outbursts aren't going to change.  They are part of who she is.

2.  You aren't responsible for them by triggering her.  BPD or no, she's still responsible for maintaining her composure.  It's not a free pass to abuse people.

3.  You've been beaten by her multiple times.  How many times are you willing to tolerate?

4.  Her threats to go file a report against you if you break up with her - save texts and messages where she's also been putting you down for being a pussy, it's just a few scratches, etc.  You can't control what she does.  You can show authorities her admission of attacking you, then blaming you for what she did, then threatening to hurt you more if you don't comply her demands following the incident.  Think - how far do you think she will really get in the face of the evidence and documentation you have?

5.  Have you thought about filing your own complaint?  Based on the messages you report here since the incident, seems like you've likely got a much stronger case than her, as well as a prior history before this incident that probably has similar documentation from when she broke your jaw.

6.  You say she's the sweetest thing when she's well regulated.  How many beatings is it worth to get the sweetest thing treatment from her?

Honestly, I have to recommend going no contact with her.  You left by flying - so it's long distance?  It's quite simple, just go no contact and cut this drama out of your life.  Block her, don't look back.  Maybe even preemptively file an abuse complaint against her.  This level of abuse isn't the sort that I believe in waiting around, waiting for people to figure it out on their own.  This is dangerous and you as the victim are way too fogged to see it for what it is on your own right now.

No contact, and get yourself into counseling because only people with their own issues that need professional help to sort out would rather stay in dangerously abusive relationships instead be single again.

[Spam591]

She is now falsely accusing me of being with other women last night... .ha

And she is telling me it’s “over” like she wants me to chase her.

This is so  backwards. She should be profusely apologizing for her behavior and chasing me asking for forgiveness.

Is this because she feels out of control and knows she messed up so she is trying to grab for anything?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Spam-
Yes, it’s completely backwards.  But it’s not unexpected.

Instead of coming at you with a physical weapon, now she’s coming at you with words trying to make you feel guilty for things you have NOT done.  This is still dangerous.  I urge you not to buy into it.

Of course she wants you to reverse her violence by chasing her.  She’s trying to make you defend yourself for things you have NOT DONE.  I know I’m repeating myself, but I need you to see what her disorder is doing to you.

She is out of control.  And she has proven that on more than one occasion in very violent and dangerous ways.  And nothing you say or do will assure her, calm her or fix what’s broken in her.  She does NOT like feeling out of control of you.  And it’s very obvious you cannot control her and her horrific violence.  Your love will never fix that.

At this point she will try anything to pull you back in.  Please try all you can to resist her efforts.  Soon, if she hasn’t already done this, she will begin “love bombing” you.  She will stop accusing you of cheating and tell you how much she needs you and loves you.  Prepare yourself for this - and stand strong.  As soon as you “receive” that “love” message, you’ll again be blamed for what happened.

Please re-read all we’ve talked about here.  And keep talking with us.

How are YOU feeling?  You can say everything here.  It’s all safe.

What do you think are the smartest things you can do for yourself in the next week?

How will these and continued physical injuries affect your job?

Please stay here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

You are right.  She wants you to chase her.  Don't do it.  Tell her she's a strong, independent woman and if that's what she wants to do, you can't stop her.  Breakup threats are commonly received by our members.  As you would guess, chasing our pwBPD rewards this behavior.

I am sure she is beautiful and wonderful to be with most of the time.  Otherwise you'd be gone.  Look up the "abuse cycle" on the Web.  This is how people become entrapped in domestic violence situations.  The violence tends to escalate.  Even though things may feel wonderful, a healthy relationship is not possible when the physical abuse line is being crossed.

Are you able to say with clarity that you do not deserve physical abuse and it has to completely stop?

WW

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Spam-

I have been thinking about you... .wondering how you’ve been doing. 

Please talk to us? 

We understand the strong desire to work hard on our relationships with the people we love deeply.  We understand the compassion and forgiveness.  That’s why we’re here.

I look forward to hearing from you.  Things that are easy to say, and things that may not be so easy to say.  No judgement.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes