My SO has an adult daughter with BPD traits

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi folks.

Um - lemme see if I can put this in a nutshell.

I married a man whose adult daughter has IMO BPD. When we married, either he wasn't as enmeshed with her as he is now, or I didn't see it. It doesn't change the current situation, however.

Anyway, he is having a really rough time. He is focused on preventing another.blow-up from her. I am getting anxious because all I hear.from him is about her and helping her.

So... .I have re-read Stop Walking on Eggshells (which I originally read b/c it seemed applicable to my mom) and am looking for ways forward.

[2morrowsGirl]

Hi folks.

Um - lemme see if I can put this in a nutshell.

I married a man whose adult daughter has IMO BPD. When we married, either he wasn't as enmeshed with her as he is now, or I didn't see it. It doesn't change the current situation, however.

Anyway, he is having a really rough time. He is focused on preventing another.blow-up from her. I am getting anxious because all I hear.from him is about her and helping her.

So... .I have re-read Stop Walking on Eggshells (which I originally read b/c it seemed applicable to my mom) and am looking for ways forward.

[Panda39]

Hi 2morrowsGirl,

Welcome to the BPD Family

It sounds like this isn't your first BPD rodeo.    It also sound's like your DH's daughter has BPD traits?  What kinds of behaviors are you seeing with her?

It sounds like your DH is in the role of "rescuer" when it comes to his daughter and that is interfering in your relationship.  Am I getting the jist of it?

Would it be possible for you to talk with him about how all of this is affecting you?  Could you both try and come up with some "daughter discussion free" times so you both can get some relief from the drama?  Would your DH consider seeing a Therapist that could help him sort out things related to his daughter? Rather than putting so much on you?  :)oes his daughter see a Therapist?

Okay enough of my 20 questions... .just trying to get a better feel for your situation.  I'm glad you've found us.  There is a lot of information, tools and support available to you here.

Hang in there,  
Panda39

[livednlearned]

Hi 2morrowsGirl,

Welcome and hello  

My SO has an adult daughter with BPD traits, and he was enmeshed with her, too. Trying to untangle that ball of thread was a high-wire balancing act.

Does the daughter live nearby?

What kinds of lengths does he go to trying to prevent blow-ups?

Does he know she may be BPD?

My aha moment was recognizing that I could assert boundaries with my H in a loving way, and roll the drama away from me. If your H is talking about his adult daughter too much, you can have boundaries about when and for how long he discusses them. It took a long time and lot of effort and reading and time spent here, but I eventually learned to say, "I will go out for dinner on Friday. When we go, I ask that the phone stays in the car. If you feel that's too difficult right now, then let me know when you're ready and we can make reservations."

I also had to do that when he wanted to be intimate. Nothing like receiving 20 texts in a 5 minute period from his daughter to kill the mood. And she was living in the house with us at the time. Her abandonment fears seemed to be triggered by the sound of our door closing.  

H did not like the boundaries, and the first time I asserted them his nose was out of joint but we pulled through, mostly because of the skills I learned here. There are dozens of other small boundaries, too, that had to be recognized, labeled, and asserted. I do feel sad about some of the sacrifices I've made, but that sadness pales in comparison to the feelings I felt when she invaded boundaries or did things that were unacceptable. I used to say that SD21 would sleep in our bed with us if we let her, and as shocking as that sounds, it is not at all far from the mark.

I hope you'll let us know how you're doing and lean on this board for support. It really does make a difference knowing you aren't alone, and there are ways to take care of yourself in these difficult relationships. I suspect you are correct that getting married has triggered some kind of dysregulation, and the enmeshment is getting worse because his D feels his attention is moving elsewhere. There are some easy fixes (certain phrases) but the real test is whether he can stay out of the rabbit hole.

[2morrowsGirl]

Hi folks,

Thanks for the greetings.

You both pegged it right. I do think my stepD has BPD traits, and that my husband is in the rescuer position.

He and I have talked about it, some.things very generally and others more in depth. From what I can tell, he is very clear on how trapped he feels, and that "something" needs.to be done. However, he appears to be more.scared.of her blowing up than him protecting himself.

To make the living situation clear, he moved across country to live with me. I knew his daughter would likely come with him. So yeah, she lives here - technically.

Anyway, I have lots of.reading to do on the site, and plan to browse quite a bit while I get myself organized.so that I can cope better.

[Panda39]

To me one of the most important tools is having boundaries, but having boundaries with someone with BPD is not easy, they are expert boundary busters and will use weapons like FOG (Fear, Oligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail to get what they want. This is what often keeps us "Walking on Eggshells".

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0



As in the above quote boundaries are for us to protect us, to teach others how to treat us.
I see two places where you could work on boundaries, those you create around yourself (what you will or will not tolerate) and boundaries you create around your relationship with your husband (creating time to focus on and enjoy your relationship without his daughter and her issues creeping in)

Do you have some boundaries you might like to set?  I also want to point out that you can only create boundaries for yourself... .one of the first lessons I learned coming here is that the only person I truly control is myself.  You can't make your husband or his daughter do things they don't want to do, but what you can do is create boundaries and change what you do, to make things better for yourself... .sometimes though, those changes can have ripple effects.

If you decide to set some boundaries don't be surprised if things get worse before they get better.  I often share my simple analogy when talking about boundaries... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom still says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom again says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (extinction burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up... .this doesn't mean that the boundary won't be tested again the next trip to the store... .consistency is important here.

More on Boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

More on Extinction Bursts... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I hope this information is helpful in your situation   I also encourage you to read the posts of others around the boards.  I'm here because my Siginificant Other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and I found the relationship boards helpful to get a feel for what his relationship with his ex might have been like and the children of a BPD Parent Board gave me an idea of what his daughters might feel and be going through.

For example you might want to visit the Son or Daughter with BPD Board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0 for support and ideas in terms of your husband's daughter.  That said this board should be a great home base for you... .there are many of us in step-parent roles and know that there are situations that are definitely specific to that role.


Take Care,
Panda39