How can I motivate my son and ex to attend counselling?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My son who is 24 has BPD symptoms. He lives with my ex husband who is showing signs of  caregiver burnout. My son is staying with me after befriending a new set of friends.  One of them robbed my  ex and assaulted my son when they were under the influence of alcohol. The other friend (I’ll csll Rick) is someone my son is still very attached to but when they get together they drink and smoke drugs and roam the streets together at night. My son desperately wants to remain friends with Rick but bad things always happen when they are together. My ex needs s break so my son is staying with me. I work full time so cannot be home during the day but have insisted no friends over and no alcohol  as my son also has alcohol use disorder. Other than buying him cigarettes I am not providing him any spending money.  My son sleeps all day and is up all night playing video games. He refuses to talk about seeking employment or further education.  He is waiting for government financial support. I feel like family counselling may be the only way to set consistent boundaries. How can I motivate my son and ex to attend counselling?

[Westie57]

My son who is 24 has BPD symptoms. He lives with my ex husband who is showing signs of  caregiver burnout. My son is staying with me after befriending a new set of friends.  One of them robbed my  ex and assaulted my son when they were under the influence of alcohol. The other friend (I’ll csll Rick) is someone my son is still very attached to but when they get together they drink and smoke drugs and roam the streets together at night. My son desperately wants to remain friends with Rick but bad things always happen when they are together. My ex needs s break so my son is staying with me. I work full time so cannot be home during the day but have insisted no friends over and no alcohol  as my son also has alcohol use disorder. Other than buying him cigarettes I am not providing him any spending money.  My son sleeps all day and is up all night playing video games. He refuses to talk about seeking employment or further education.  He is waiting for government financial support. I feel like family counselling may be the only way to set consistent boundaries. How can I motivate my son and ex to attend counselling?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

  Welcome Westie57,

    My goodness you have your hands full! And I can totally understand why your ex is burned out. You are asking a question that is heard far and wide around this page. Although I must lovingly disagree with you on the boundaries. those can be started at any time and in any place. The hard part is that it starts with you since your son is now staying with you. I can see that you have already started one: not providing him with spending money.   that's a great start.
   I'll share a snip it from my many dealings with my D. She has always lived with me, at one point she was into meth and running the streets all night, bringing home strangers to my house. I told her one day I had the locks changed and wasn't giving her a key. If she wanted to run the streets at night she would no longer have access to the house unless I was there.  I do hope that your day time limit is working with him.
  Any way I'm sorry to say that I don't have an answer for you on the motivation question. I am rooting for you, maybe you could plant a seed with your ex, tell him that seeking counseling will help him with ways of managing your son; and help him find ways of starting self care. And by the way... .what does your self care look like? You work full time, so do I; I know that self care doesn't come so easy when you work full time and the BPD child lives with you.   

[Feeling Better]

Hi Westie57

I am so sorry to hear of what brought you here, please know that you are not alone.

You ask how you can motivate your son and your ex to attend counselling, maybe you have to be the one to show them the way. You cannot make them do anything that they do not want to do but you are able to change things, like you say, better boundaries for a start. You can learn new ways of communicating with them, we can help and support you through this. Do you have any thoughts on this? x