I'm not the fun girl anymore.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

  When I first met my pwBPDh, he said that I was the 'fun girl' he had been looking for his whole life. We did spontaneous things, like taking a mid week drive in the country, giving ourselves a green mud treatment (all over) and playing kids games. It was a romantic 6 months, but then reality set in. Actually it all changed on the day we became engaged. 6 months after that we were married. So, where did the fun girl go?
   After repeatedly being rejected, you start to feel unwanted. It doesn't matter that he eventually comes around, the damage is done. I used to cry and beg and plead for him to accept me, but it made it worse. Now, when he pushes me away, I just disconnect from him, like electricity. He no longer has the ability to hurt me. He mentioned that I use to be a cheer leader for him. I wonder if he was referring to the fact that it actually mattered when he pushed me away. I am now used to being the punching bag; not literally, but verbally. He told me today that I "sucked all the fun out of the room". Wow.
   So, if I'm not the fun girl anymore, then this means that I no longer hold that position with him. He asked how we can get back to that again?  How can you feel safe when you know that it isn't? A degree of safety is needed for intimacy. Living with someone with pwBPD means that there isn't a lot of security in the moment to moment stability. That can 'suck' the life out of the room in itself.
   I'd like to just pretend that this is all normal and that he just has bad days. It's not that way. He has days, hours, minutes and sometimes weeks of feeling as if he hates the world. Unfortunately, the only one that knows this about him is me. The rest of the world thinks he's cheerful, helpful and energetic.  I see the chaos underneath.
   I'd like to get back to being the fun girl, not for him, but for me.

[loyalwife]

  When I first met my pwBPDh, he said that I was the 'fun girl' he had been looking for his whole life. We did spontaneous things, like taking a mid week drive in the country, giving ourselves a green mud treatment (all over) and playing kids games. It was a romantic 6 months, but then reality set in. Actually it all changed on the day we became engaged. 6 months after that we were married. So, where did the fun girl go?
   After repeatedly being rejected, you start to feel unwanted. It doesn't matter that he eventually comes around, the damage is done. I used to cry and beg and plead for him to accept me, but it made it worse. Now, when he pushes me away, I just disconnect from him, like electricity. He no longer has the ability to hurt me. He mentioned that I use to be a cheer leader for him. I wonder if he was referring to the fact that it actually mattered when he pushed me away. I am now used to being the punching bag; not literally, but verbally. He told me today that I "sucked all the fun out of the room". Wow.
   So, if I'm not the fun girl anymore, then this means that I no longer hold that position with him. He asked how we can get back to that again?  How can you feel safe when you know that it isn't? A degree of safety is needed for intimacy. Living with someone with pwBPD means that there isn't a lot of security in the moment to moment stability. That can 'suck' the life out of the room in itself.
   I'd like to just pretend that this is all normal and that he just has bad days. It's not that way. He has days, hours, minutes and sometimes weeks of feeling as if he hates the world. Unfortunately, the only one that knows this about him is me. The rest of the world thinks he's cheerful, helpful and energetic.  I see the chaos underneath.
   I'd like to get back to being the fun girl, not for him, but for me.

[Cat Familiar]

So at first, things were spontaneous, fun and romantic. But after engagement and marriage, things changed. He did things to make you feel rejected and because of that, you felt that he didn't want you. When you pleaded with him to get back to the way things were in the beginning, he pushed you away. Over time, you've been less willing to be open to him, because you don't want to feel vulnerable and have him hurt you more.

Now he's blaming you and saying that you're not the fun girl he got together with, but he is not acknowledging his behavior and how that has affected you. Though he can behave normally for a while, you see what's under the surface and don't feel trust or security that he won't unleash the negative behavior on you. You'd like to get back to the fun-loving and trusting person you used to be.

Can you describe his behavior in more detail? What does he say, what does he do?

[loyalwife]

 It's so true that it's difficult to let down your guard when you are in a relationship with a pwBPD. One minute life is all that he ever asked for and then one little thing goes wrong and it's all over.     I've been having difficulty with high blood pressure. This causes symptoms like dizziness and forgetfulness. Today, we were at a table outside, eating lunch and when we left, I had my phone and my keys, but no purse.  Once we got home, he raced (100+mph) through neighborhoods as I called nearby stores etc.  Once there, I went into the nearest business and a good samaritan had retrieved it. He was so angry at me, and all the way home belittled me saying that "the house could have gotten broken into", "You don't care because you don't have anything, it's all mine". I just sat there. This was his tipping point and the rest of the day has been garbage. After his race around the neighborhood, a nail was impaled in the wheel. I called to let him know that I wasn't going to drive on it.  This again, made him mad and he asked me if I'd done anything more damaging?  He also told me that he didn't know when he was going to be home and to go to dinner by myself. This is always his form of punishing me.

When it comes to him losing his wallet, or having a flat tire, or anything like that it's no big deal. When it happens to me, it's the worse thing in the world. I'm beyond the point of chasing him, or explaining that it was an accident, because to him I'm just incompetent.

That is what he does to make me feel less fun. It's like being in a cheese grater. By the way, when I came home from the doctor he didn't ask me a thing about the visit. It makes me feel as though he doesn't care. Just one more 'ailment' or 'catastrophe' to weigh him down.

Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. Feeling pretty stupid right now.
 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi loyalwife,

Please vent away. I'm very glad to find an update from you. Lots of parallels.

Shortly after getting married my wife started bringing up dating other people / open marriage. When we've had our worst conflicts lately, she's brought up my sexual performance as a key marital issue. Her prescription was that I see a doctor and could not agree with how I connected it to feelings of safety. Two days ago she confessed to me she secretly had a date with a young British guy who calls himself "The Sex God" that she had met at a bar with her friend recently. She was regretful and said it made her value what she had, but it won't be long before the threats of her going on Tinder and meeting guys return.

All of that fun is still inside of you. It's him that's drained the fun out of the relationship, not you. Find that fun again with friends and on your own. 

 Now, when he pushes me away, I just disconnect from him, like electricity. He no longer has the ability to hurt me.

This was very powerful wording for me. I think you've made a ton of progress from when you first arrived here in terms of navigating the situation and protecting yourself.

We've got your back and you've got our ear.

Sending you strength,
ROE

[Cat Familiar]

It's so true that it's difficult to let down your guard when you are in a relationship with a pwBPD. One minute life is all that he ever asked for and then one little thing goes wrong and it's all over.

Yes, unfortunately there's not a lot of safety for partners of pwBPD to express our true nature and know that we will be supported. It's a hard truth to grasp.

I've been having difficulty with high blood pressure. This causes symptoms like dizziness and forgetfulness.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I know from other's experience how overwhelming it can be. Being in a conflicted relationship with a pwBPD can certainly add to stress related blood pressure issues.

When it comes to him losing his wallet, or having a flat tire, or anything like that it's no big deal. When it happens to me, it's the worse thing in the world. I'm beyond the point of chasing him, or explaining that it was an accident, because to him I'm just incompetent.

Yes, the double standards are really exasperating.

By the way, when I came home from the doctor he didn't ask me a thing about the visit. It makes me feel as though he doesn't care. Just one more 'ailment' or 'catastrophe' to weigh him down.

It's so difficult when you feel like a second class citizen in their world and that his are the only feelings that matter.

I'm sorry that his response has elicited you feeling "stupid." You're anything but that, loyalwife.    His behavior toward you is abusive and over time, he has blamed you and it's undermined your self esteem.

I experienced that in my first marriage. My husband constantly criticized me, blamed me for things that were his responsibility, told me all my faults, criticized my sexuality, belittled my intelligence. Over time, I started to believe the negative way he described me and became distant from family and former friends.

Please keep in touch with people who know you and love you and let their positive feelings for you fill your heart.  

[loyalwife]

     I've taken advice here, and have been reaching out to friends, taking up a new hobby (tap dancing) and spent time with those I love and love me (my kids). What this has taught me is that no matter how angry and mad my pwBPD may get, I still have that place in my heart that is full. There are days that he is included in this group, but when his dark days come, I have to put hm at arms length or he could destroy me.  Emotionally, spiritually and in so many ways physically with the stress.
     For several months now, life seemed balanced and he was getting his 'fix' of things he wanted in life (today his BMW collection is at 9). I have learned to play along with his game, because that is exactly what it is. He wants me to say something to him about his toys, and if I say a single thing like "Aren't we selling the E320 for the new car?" Even though that was the agreement, he takes pleasure in changing his mind. So all of his free time and sometimes work time is spent restoring, thinking about and driving all these cars. He will complain about not having any days off, and then take a trip across the U.S. to drive home another car. This weekend, one of the old cars blew up on him mid trip and he had to leave it at a repair shop and fly home. Now, he will need to fly back to drive it home. But as a good wife, I support him and try to help in anyway I can. Today I spent 7 hours helping him install a garage door opener, and when I said I had my son to help he got mad.  He said that I was my son's girlfriend. I'm a good mom who enjoys as I mentioned before, being around those that love and accept me for who I am.
    I was gone for about an hour and half, and when I got back he went into his "Stay away from me, I don't want to talk to you, leave me alone". Since that time, I've been ostracized and in my office. These temper tantrums are always the same, and usually started the same way. He has been itching for a reason to get mad for days.  I walked right into the bait.
    This makes me sad because I know that no matter what, this BPD of his will raise it's ugly head. Instead of trying to fix him, like I used to do, I just let him go. His mind is riddled with all kinds of false statements, and whatever he has convinced himself is true, there isn't any arguing against. I love him, but do no like the person he becomes.
      I know what the rest of the night will be like.  He won't speak to me, he will be in his office and more than likely he will sleep out there. In the morning, he may or may not be over it in which case means another day lost to his misconceptions. My heart breaks to think that it takes so little for him to shut me out. I've never been mean to him and cannot imagine ever intentionally breaking his heart as he does mine.
      Thanks for listening and being there. Its good to know that someone might read this and care. It is so much more than I have this moment in time.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s truly sad how much needless conflict they can create, but it’s good that you’re staying above the fray and doing things that nurture your wellbeing. 

No good deed goes unpunished.   

Cat

[RolandOfEld]

Hi loyalwife, as I read this, I was nearly in tears, one reason being the challenges you still face, the other being how much progress you've made since you joined us on here.

What this has taught me is that no matter how angry and mad my pwBPD may get, I still have that place in my heart that is full. There are days that he is included in this group,

I'm so happy to read this and am reaching a similar place myself. When I put aside her BPD for a moment, my life does seem like a storehouse of riches (great job, beautiful kids, good health, great family and friends, and even her at times).

He has been itching for a reason to get mad for days.  I walked right into the bait. This makes me sad because I know that no matter what, this BPD of his will raise it's ugly head.

This is really just how it is sometimes I am realizing. Yesterday I forgot to wash my sons bowls for kindergarten. A bad mistake yes, but not something worth exploding over. But it was just what her BPD needed. These days I think of these kind of errors as "BPD steaks", exactly what the BPD is looking to feed on. We are human, and no matter what we will stumble, and its sad those stumbles can be such a point of satisfaction for them since it temporarily justifies their B&W view of us.

Please keep posting, loyalwife. We do care about you. 

Yours,
Roland

[AskingWhy]

loyalwife, I feel you pain.

After 20 years of marriage to a uBPD/uNPD H, I also feel the life drained from me.

We had a whirlwind courtship and had many things in common. We enjoyed each other's company.  (He had children from a previous marriage living with their mother clear across the country.  By my guess, X W is NPD, and H and his first W were the ideal BPD/NPD pairing.  All of his children seem to be in some PD spectrum of either BPD or NPD.)

Each time the children arrived for visitation on holidays and summer vacation, I felt like a third wheel in my own home.  H was splitting, devoting all of his attention to his children and forgetting I had ever existed.  When I mentioned my unhappiness and discomfort, H dysregulated with rage, calling me jealous and an assortment of not so nice names.  I quickly found out I was the caretaker and cook to his children without the advantages and authority of being considered a wife or mother.  

As the children grew to adolescence and young adulthood, things really took a turn for the worse.  One daughter sought to make herself his "girlfriend" by insisting on private dates with Dad: all-day excursions in the sports car and shopping sprees.  From the outside, she must have looked like a young mistress as she was always hanging all over him.  The notion of emotional incest is a big part of BPD.  One SD actually threatened to hit me.  H did nothing, in fact, he escaped into another room.  I had to use some verbal self defense, which the young woman in question was not prepared for.  The sad fact is that man who was supposed to defend me turned tail and ran.  The son was not so much a problem, but he was almost always stoned.  He was enrolled in college, but hardly ever went to classes due to his drug use.

Now that his children are all adults, he treats them as higher priority than me.  I seem only like an income source to pad his retirement.  I have a home business, but H always comes home from work to inspect my housekeeping. I have a medical disability that sometimes prevents me from moving around, and he will still bellow if the cleaning is not up to his standards, and it never is.  Then comes the rage/dysregulation, the silent treatment and withholding affection.  

I am glad you have a spot in your heart that your H has not yet ruined with his BPD.    It's easy to lose  yourself with a BPD H if you are not careful.  I would suggest you practice some form of mindfulness. This is discussed in "Eggshells."  

Your "fun girl" is still there (as is mine) hidden or buried, but still alive and kicking.  Don't forget that part of yourself as you understand your H is not normal, and that he does not have the right to grind your spirit down.  



  

[loyalwife]

   When we first met, I thought that the heavens opened up and that finally I'd met someone that appreciated me, and loved me for who I was. The courtship was amazing, and then as with most BPD relationships, the music stopped and life got much more difficult. I still yearn for those days of 'love', but accept that today is reality and this will not change. It scares me to think ahead to the golden years, and how hard this will be if he suddenly deserts me, or stops talking to me for stupid reasons when I might depend on him. I'd never desert him, but he has proved that he would me on the drop of a dime. This is seriously something to think of.
    I'm staying centered, and even though he's walked through the house not speaking, I've ignored him. Engaging with him during his time of rage only means sorrow. He has simply cast me aside as always and if I try to beg or plea he will surely come unglued.  Life is too short, and there isn't any need of trauma that is frivolous.  If I have learned anything, through trial and error or learning by reading others stories, is that the way through the storm is to remain calm.
    Roland, you said that you read my story with tears, it truly touches my heart. I have kids that are 24 and 25, and cannot imagine what life would be with little ones and dealing with the chaos of BPD. My kids dad was a socio path, and we were divorced when they were 4 and 5. I was a happy single parent that devoted my life to them and was proud that they survived his torture. Now, I see that one disease is not better than the other and my husband today is just as sick. I showed my kids then that I could chose a better life for them, and today I do the same. Either my husband is on path with me, or not. I can accept his 'toys' if he can accept my 'kids'. There is not a debate as it is black and white. BPD's are not the only ones to make the rules. We also have the power to control our own life.
    I am grateful for this sacred place to feel safe. It's time to take control of my own life, and not try to save the life of someone that doesn't think they even need it.

[Red5]

When we first met, I thought that the heavens opened up and that finally I'd met someone that appreciated me, and loved me for who I was.

Me2... .it now amazes me when I look back at our first six months as a couple... .I no clue what was about to happen.

The courtship was amazing, and then as with most BPD relationships, the music stopped and life got much more difficult.

Six months in, that is when the mask slipped.

I still yearn for those days of 'love', but accept that today is reality and this will not change.

Me2... .it took me nine years to realize this... .and it was only after I "self dx'ed" her as (possible) BPD/npd about nineteen months ago... .its sad to me now, .but I go on, even though she's pushing me away even more now than she did before, seems the stronger I get (knowledge of BPD), she seems to fight me off even more, as I change the way I react to her BPD behaviors... does this make sense?

It scares me to think ahead to the golden years, and how hard this will be if he suddenly deserts me, or stops talking to me for stupid reasons when I might depend on him. I'd never desert him, but he has proved that he would me on the drop of a dime. This is seriously something to think of.

   

I do not know if my udx/BPDw would leave or not, she is almost completely dependent on me now, she resigned her career about two years ago now due to her stage iv-c... .and she sold her home she lived in before we married (her "lifeboat")... .she does have a large some of assets in the bank, and she draws state disability now... .so she could make it on her own if she wanted to I guess... .  as far as "golden years"... .all I see is her getting worse and worse as time passes. I am one of those caretaker kind of guys, and I wont leave her, or desert her, even as she pushes me away so hard... .I am "just kinda here"... .this is both our second marriage(s), we have no children together, we are both 50'ish... .

It's time to take control of my own life, and not try to save the life of someone that doesn't think they even need it.

Yes, me2... .my udx/BPD wife does not think she is to blame for anything, its all my fault... .and when I have finally had enough, and I react poorly, then this only bolsters (validates) her claim... .as Cat says above, "no good deed" goes unpunished.

Hang in there loyalwife !

Red5

[loyalwife]

   Tonight was a repeat of this last post, and my pwBPDh is mad because I spent an hour and half with my son. As I have mentioned before, my son is aspbergers and although he has come a long way, he still needs reassurance (help with grocery shopping etc.) that most young men his age have conquered long ago. I'd picked up groceries for my husband and I as well and had planned on making a nice meal. Instead when I came home he announced that I was my sons girlfriend, and I should move in with him. Instead of making dinner, I ended up eating cereal. In the past I would make dinner and plead with him to eat (which he never would). He doesn't want anything to do with me, and is sleeping once again in the studio. I try to spend the minimal time to help my son (usually less than an hour or so), and definitely it is only two or three times a week. It's a long story, but my husband hates him. He has said this many many times. He would love it if I disowned him and never saw him.But that will never happen. Last week my husband mentioned that he needed to see a therapist about his hatred, but had to wait until the first of the year, which tells me it's all talk.
     I do not want to have to choose between the relationship with my children and my marriage. The kids are quite used to this and are happy anytime they can see me, which has to be either in a restaurant or elsewhere. We've gotten used to it, but my husband sees this as disloyalty to him.  I cannot choose and it seems so unfair when he has said that he will not come between my children.
     He asked me today if my old therapist had suggested that I not go back to him (he had left and presented divorce papers to me).  She said " Let it go. You can never be the person that God intended you to be if you stay". I'm a mom. I believe God intended me to be a mom (which I love being). He is just jealous.
     It doesn't make sense, and as said "no good deed goes unpunished".

[Cat Familiar]

Has your husband always had this irrational hatred for your son? Does your husband have any children of his own?

 "I cannot choose and it seems so unfair when he has said that he will not come between my children."


Was this something your husband said at the beginning of your relationship or has it been more recently?

It's good that you switched things up after that horrible remark and didn't make dinner.    What did you say when he accused you of being your son's girlfriend?

[loyalwife]

  This hatred towards my son has been ongoing from the beginning, although he did not release his feelings until about two years ago. It was like a boiling pot, not until he built up a lot of pressure did I realize how much he despised (jealous) of him. It got to the point a few years ago, that he threatened my son's life and then left me several times (two divorce papers), until my son moved away. It's a long story, but basically my son's a good person he's autistic and any change takes time to accept. This includes my new marriage (I was single for 18 years), moving, job etc.etc. In time though he does well and accepts the challenges. At this time he's in an apartment, working and doing good. Regardless, my husband hates him, does not want him in his presence and has said repeatedly that what I want to do with my children is my own decision and life. I see both my children when I can, which means I have to drive a distance. My therapist has said that keeping my husband and son apart is a good idea as this protects them both (my son from injury and my husband from going to jail). This arrangement means that I can't make dinner for my kids as I would love to do, or see them in our home. My husband no longer hates my daughter, but I feel that if he doesn't accept both my kids I'd rather keep it the way it is, driving to them.
    There is a daughter, but my husband has decided to exclude her from his life (at this time) which has been four years. She has tried to communicate with him but he doesn't want anything to do with her. His mom died a few months ago and he's cut off contact with his family as he has made up a story that they have excluded him from his inheritance. This is crazy because his dad is still alive, and there is not an inheritance until his dad passes away. He hates his dad because his dad abused him as a child.
    As with most pwBPD there is a past of horrible abuse both physical and emotional.
    When I was told last night that I was my son's girlfriend, I put up a boundary and asked him never to say this again. It was so far from any truth and was nasty. My husband said that I was my son's emotional support and that as long as he had me he would not have a girlfriend. I differ with this as I personally know that although my son would like to have a girlfriend, it's harder for him. He has lots of friends that are girls and to me that is the beginning of the process  In the past I've been accused of incest and when I pushed to find out why he would ever think such a thing, he said that he knew of someone that had an affair with their mom. I'm just so appalled at this whole concept and wrongness that I would ever be accused of this. Deep down I know that it's all about jealousy, but this can be a reason for rage and the false stories that my husband tells himself are believed by him.
    I'm glad I didn't make dinner last night, as that is what I have always done in the past. Responding in the old ways didn't get me anywhere, except drained emotionally. This isn't my problem, it is my husbands problem.He knows it and it's up to him to get help. I'm his wife, a loyal one; but my children are my children. No question about that and I am a mom, a loyal one.

[Cat Familiar]

loyalwife,
You might be interested in adding your input on this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328143.0;all#lastPost  If you look toward the end, there are similar issues about pwBPD feeling threatened and jealous of other family members.

Cat

[loyalwife]

Today, is like a lot of days; my pwBPD husband has closed the door (literally) on me, and shut me out. I did see the warning signs a few days ago, the change of focus (on the past) and low tolerance. He has a way of making a huffing noise, and it's a sign of his uneasiness. This time, he kept saying "I'm in a dark place, and I can't get out". He mentioned therapy before and I asked if he had made an appointment. He then went on to say that "If it were not for your son and your dogs I wouldn't be in this mess and could have paid all my bills off". No mention that in the last year he has purchased 10 bmw's all that equal more than enough to have paid off bills. The difference he will say is that he didn't want to take care of my son and dogs. It always comes to this, and then he pushes me aside and yells and says he wants nothing to do with me.

He just came in and said he was going to the doctors. I asked him if he was okay, and he said "I need to see someone and that's what I am doing".  He is in a very dark spot. I wish I could be happy that he has finally realized he must do something, but I am so afraid he will come back and say that "I'm to blame". That's crazy thinking, but that's how I feel. My therapist recently said that if he did talk to someone about 'his problems' and not about what is going on in him that more than likely they would think he was fine and that he just needed to fix his life. So now I wait.

I'm so thankful that I can find my 'family' here, and when I feel so alone I can reach out. My son (autistic) doesn't like to hear and my daughter has an answer I don't want to hear.

I'm on pins and needles.

[toomanydogs]

Hi LoyalWife,
  I don't have much to add or any advice, but I wanted to share with you a story of my STBX and me.
  Like your H, mine didn't want to do anything fun with me. Actually he didn't want to do anything at all. But I coaxed him into going away for the weekend. We were staying at a beautiful hotel, and we had dinner at the restaurant. And all of a sudden--and I don't remember what started it--but he started yelling at the waiter. Not even like raising your voice yelling but flat out screaming.
  And he kept trying to get me involved to take his side, it was something like a medium rare steak when he'd wanted rare.
  That launched this tirade about you cannot get anything where we live unlike the east coast where he was brought up and then a tirade about "poor people"
  And I was taking to my T about this and what she helped me realize is that I didn't even feel safe going out to dinner with the man let alone having sex with him
  I'm glad he's gone,
TMD

[loyalwife]

And I was taking to my T about this and what she helped me realize is that I didn't even feel safe going out to dinner with the man let alone having sex with him

Thinking back about the past and how our relationship was in the beginning; fun, spontaneous and like two kids playing at life it's so different now. I felt safe with him, and felt that he loved and cherished me. He was generous with himself, and opened up his life to me. Now, he has slowly closed it all off.  I have asked to go the grocery store (he handles all the financials) and he declines. This gives him the ability to complain that I don't cook enough. So, the spiral continues until he gets close to hanging it all up and as he approaches the cliff, turns back to his old sweet self.

He's still at the therapist, so I am hoping and praying that he gets some relief.

[Cat Familiar]

So he's blaming you for having debt, yet at the same time he's bought 10 BMWs, but the reason he gives for owing money is due to your son and dogs.

He's acknowledging that something is wrong and he's trying therapy. You're concerned that he's likely to blame you for his problems and possibly not mention his underlying issues.

You miss the beginning phase of your relationship, when everything was fun and easy. Now he seems controlling and he complains that you're not doing enough.

This has got to be tough for you wondering what the next step is.     What can you do to make this easier on yourself?

[loyalwife]

I've learned not to be too hopeful. As sorry as that sounds, it's easier to think of the worse case scenario. That he will throw in the towel, as he has so many times before. He just came home and this is a different reaction. I asked him how his appointment was, without asking too many questions, and he said "The same old thing as usual. Practice mindfulness. It doesn't fix any of my problems".  I asked if DBT was mentioned, and he said "no". As I know from a few therapy sessions myself (I'm kidding, I've had many) it takes more than one to get to the root and that depends on the trust one has with the therapist. So, this could be a long haul, but at least he got started.

What can you do to make this easier on yourself?

The best thing I can do right now, is to keep calm, stay strong and not be afraid. I can also be prepared for whatever the next step is. Either he see's that he needs to continue to seek help or he goes back to blaming failures on me and leaves. If so, I will not try to intrude.  You can't makes someone love you, when they don't. With a pwBPD one day they may love you but the next day you're the enemy. 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi loyalwife, I don't have much to add to the conversation but I support your plan. I'm learning that so much of coping with a BPD partner is building as much of a life as we can on our own and not hanging too much on their cooperation. I used to treat the days when my wife was helpful with the kids as the should-be norm, now I just treat them like a pleasant surprise when they come. And I'm more or less training myself to be a single parent in the event she never really gets her issues under control. Some days she's on board and a great team member, others its like the three of us don't exist. Trying to live in the reality and not get caught up in the fantasy of a whole and normal family.

I still think you're making excellent progress. Keep it up!

Sending you strength,
~ROE

[loyalwife]

Thank you ROE for the encouragement. I've made plenty of mistakes, but thanks to amazing advice and support here, it's easier.

Trying to live in the reality and not get caught up in the fantasy of a whole and normal family.

I was a single mom for 18 years, so my young adult kids really don't know a different life than that. I see my kids away from the house and have special time with them away from the peering eyes of my husband. Today, as I helped my son, autistic with his homework it was like old times. He couldn't go to regular school and I home schooled him. I felt so good about doing this today because this was making a difference for him. Regardless of my husbands obsession with jealousy and untrue stories, my son is doing well. We will never be the 'Brady Bunch', but that's okay. Protecting those you love from harm and unpleasantness has it's benefits. I have a separate life away from here, and it is my sanity.

I too haven't a clear picture of the future. I'd like the think that it will all work out, and in normal marriages and families this is a goal you all work for. With a pwBPD, with various triggers and cycles, just one overload and it's gone. I'm mentally prepared for that day, and if it rears it's ugly head once again, I will not fight it this time. I will walk away and find peace. I have been presented with two separate divorce papers in the last year. There will be no going back the next time. I think he knows this.

He did talk to me about mindfulness today, and what it means. His Therapist must have started him out, which is good. It's a great tool for BPD and it works, when it becomes your way of life, then life changes.

[AskingWhy]

He did talk to me about mindfulness today, and what it means. His Therapist must have started him out, which is good. It's a great tool for BPD and it works, when it becomes your way of life, then life changes.

loyal wife, I think mindfulness is a gift.  I was recommended to look into it and it was a life saver.  I keeps me calm now when my uBPD/uNPD H dysregulates and throws furniture, calls names, makes divorce threats and the whole drill.  (It would devastate me at one time when I did not know it was BPD.)

Now the calm I feel adds so much to my life.  I let H rant and carry on, but I step out of the tornado and let him go it alone.

[Cat Familiar]

That is awesome what a difference mindfulness has made in your experience, AskingWhy.    Certainly those rants and acting out behaviors are unpleasant, but when we can step away from them, either literally by leaving the room or emotionally by not being personally affected, that ability gives us power and peace of mind in a very challenging situation.

[loyalwife]

I wish I could say that I feel as though there are more sunny days than not, the truth is, more are partly cloudy. Today it rained, literally and emotionally. Out of the blue; as most of my pwBPD's rages come, I am accused today of his having a cold. He blamed the open window, and when I pointed out it was closed, he then blamed the dog (he has dog allergies). The truth is, he caught a cold somewhere, but needs to get mad.

As Cat Familiar said,

Certainly those rants and acting out behaviors are unpleasant, but when we can step away from them, either literally by leaving the room or emotionally by not being personally affected, that ability gives us power and peace of mind in a very challenging situation.

I'd gotten up to take him to the airport (the night before we had a great time, dinner etc., and the plan was that I would drive him rather than wasting money on parking for five days). Instead, he rushed through the door and said "I have no time for you, I don't want to be near you" and stormed out. No goodbye, we will talk later, I love you... .gone. In the past, I would be texting him wildly, telling him sorry, that  I was wrong, please forgive me, but instead I simply wrote "I hope you have a good trip".  No hearts or sentiments, no I love you. I rose up as an adult, and wished him well. This is so typical of him before he gets on an airplane. There have been times he was so mad at me he wouldn't speak to me as were boarding or in our seat. But I can say, not getting emotionally upset about his behavior is helping 'me' tremendously. He will always find something to be mad about, and my job is to define what my responsibility is and to move past it. If I need to say "I'm sorry", I will. Although I can admit I am wrong, he just can't. I did try to validate his feelings by saying "Getting onboard an airplane with a cold is not fun", but he just said "I have no time for you, get out", he invalidated my validation.  He is gone for five days. When he is gone the house becomes quiet. Of course l will miss him, but I won't stop living just because he's mad again and certainly not because he thinks I have caused his cold. This is time I'll spend on me. 

At one time I thought I could change his thoughts, . He can be supportive and kind, but when he is in his moods or rage, he can't see anything but what he feels. To heck with me. Protection means removing myself emotionally from the chaos going on in him. It is powerful and peaceful.

The useless effort of chasing after him has ended. I am not compelled to 'fix' the problem anymore. He's a big boy, he's smart... .he certainly knows that colds are airborne, and he has a therapist now. I love him, but there are times I don't like him. Especially on these 'rainy days'.

[Cat Familiar]

The useless effort of chasing after him has ended. I am not compelled to 'fix' the problem anymore. He's a big boy, he's smart... .he certainly knows that colds are airborne, and he has a therapist now. I love him, but there are times I don't like him. Especially on these 'rainy days'.

Yay, loyalwife! It's good that you're making these changes.    Have a wonderful "staycation" where you can do exactly what pleases you.

I used to miss my husband when he'd leave, but now I really enjoy the peace and quiet and freedom to do exactly as I please. It's awesome!  

I still catch myself saying too many "I love yous" when he's being cranky and I'm working on only saying that when he's being nice. Habits can be on autopilot and certainly telling him that I love him when he's being an   is not a productive thing to do.

Right now I'm feeling that I definitely don't like him (at least the version that's been showing up for a few days), but I do really care about him and sometimes really love him.

[loyalwife]

 

I still catch myself saying too many "I love yous" when he's being cranky and I'm working on only saying that when he's being nice.

This is a valuable lesson, and a tough one to learn. My husband used to say "Love won't fix the problem". He said that so much until one day I thought, "he's right". If he's mad and I tell him I love him, he just stares at me as I know he is not feeling love for me, nor does he like me. I wouldn't tell a strange mean person I loved them, and that's who he feels like when he's dysregulated. I can't say honestly at this point that I like him either. He even takes on a different look, which is not inviting.

My son is coming over tonight for dinner (he can't come here when my husband is home) and I will help him with homework. He's taking a college math class and needs to have a lot explained. As an autistic (Aspergers) person he's need me to be his cheer leader for all his life. I see my daughter as often as I can and she is a lightbulb . I have learned to have a separate sort of life from my husband, that is normal and supportive. He may own 10 BMW's (kooky), but I have a lot of love in my life.
***Kind regards***
 

[Cat Familiar]

If he's mad and I tell him I love him, he just stares at me as I know he is not feeling love for me, nor does he like me. I wouldn't tell a strange mean person I loved them, and that's who he feels like when he's dysregulated. I can't say honestly at this point that I like him either. He even takes on a different look, which is not inviting.

I tried for years to "unconditionally love" my BPD family members and I don't think verbally sharing words of love is a good strategy when they are acting like  .  I'm trying to squelch that habit. Love what you said, loyalwife, about not telling a "strange mean person" that you loved them! I'll try and remember that. 

And so true, how they can take on a different look when dysregulated. I think my habit started as a child when I was fearful and tried to appease my mother when she went off the rails. Then my first husband was violent, while my current one is merely grouchy at times. Those habits wear a groove into one's brain and become way too automatic. 

[loyalwife]

And so true, how they can take on a different look when dysregulated. I think my habit started as a child when I was fearful and tried to appease my mother when she went off the rails. Then my first husband was violent, while my current one is merely grouchy at times. Those habits wear a groove into one's brain and become way too automatic.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

The look that my pwBPD takes on is like a madman. His eyes glaze over, and get big (they shift from side to side) and his personal hygiene is non-existent. He doesn't care if his hair is uncombed and whatever he pulls out of the closet in the dark to wear works (Jeans and t-shirt), retro shoes from 1980 and a hoody.  I agree that his personal style is his, but there are certain times you can look like 'you care', which I know he doesn't. I first saw his switch right before we married. At first I thought it was the angle I was looking at him, but when he realized the look on my face, he acted as though everything was just fine. He started his 'yelling' campaign early on, over a credit card. I remember the feeling of being deathly afraid and unable to move. At the time, I cast it off as his button for financial matters. Then when he couldn't find my passport and we were to leave on a trip the next day, he called yelling at me. When I arrived home, I slipped in the house and found my passport, right where I told him it was. After we were married, yelling turned into something more aggressive and at times his actions have scared me. I use to be unable to move, but now I quickly leave the room. I have a safety plan, in case.

My father and mother used verbal abuse as a way of controlling the kids. We were always afraid that the next step would be a belt. My first husband, was a saint, who never yelled or got angry. I thought he was boring, and left him. I chalked it up to being too young. Then three years later I met a man that was just like my dad. What a big mistake that was, and fifteen years later we divorced after physical abuse and infidelity. It was horrible, but somehow deep down, familiar. I was a single mom for many years as most of the men I met were either too controlling, angry or just dull, matching the description of both marriages. My kids grew up seeing their dad a few weekends a month, but being raised in a home without rages and abuse. We weren't perfect but neither of them are abusive. I take pride in that. Then after they both turned 18, I met my current husband who put me on a pedestal. After all the time of being single, and kissing so many frogs, I felt like I'd met my prince.  He charmed his way into my heart and said all the right things to gain my trust. When his rages started, that old familiar feeling came up and it felt automatic. Fortunately I've had enough therapy myself to know that it isn't okay to be constantly put down and controlled.  But I stay, because I love him. I read somewhere that a relationship will work as long as two people are committed to their love. Each time we get to the cliff of our relationship, he steps back and is too afraid to let go. Having a SO with BPD means never knowing if the current episode will be the one they take the plunge and leave for good. It will be a good laugh though to tell my friends that I made him catch a cold and that was his  cause for a divorce. It could be anything, yet I know he needs me to continue the cycle. The groove on my record is being worn down because I have changed the more I have learned about his illness. He's such a great guy that gets pulled down in the gutter with BPD.

I wonder if BPD goes into remission or if it simply is less prominent. Instead of going away and leaving someone that is 'normal', does it slowly fester up, always ready to resurface during times of stress, sickness etc. I asked my husband one day what he was thinking and he said "you wouldn't want to know". Not the answer I had hoped to get. He will also suppress some feelings saying "don't go there, I don't want to talk about it", my cue to drop the subject. He stuffs and stuffs, ends up huffing and puffing around the house (rushing, almost on a run), that is my clue that he's ready to explode. There is only so much pressure before the rage appears. He is doing this to himself with the thoughts that are constantly going through his head, that are not necessarily true, but he tells himself that they are. At one point we were talking about drawing up a will, and he asked me to prepare a simple one, which I did. He read through it and threw it down and said to remove my kids. I did this, and then he said "You and your son had better not be planning on killing me, or I will haunt you".  He was not kidding.

So staying is a choice that I am making for now. As I change and he gets less of my tears and pleading to stay, his thinking may take him far away. That is not within my power to change.  I think I needed to get this out today. I'm getting the silent treatment, but do not feel helpless. This is all a good change.

 

[Cat Familiar]

The look that my pwBPD takes on is like a madman. His eyes glaze over, and get big (they shift from side to side) and his personal hygiene is non-existent.

It's good that you are attuned to the minimal cues that lead to a dysregulation.    When you see the shifts in facial expression and the changes in personal hygiene, you can prepare yourself and not add fuel to the fire.

My father and mother used verbal abuse as a way of controlling the kids. We were always afraid that the next step would be a belt.

So often we choose partners who recreate some of our FOO dynamics. Like you, my first husband was physically abusive and a serial cheater. My current husband is sweet and kind when the BPD isn't acting up and at worst, just grouchy and irritable, but that's annoying enough to have a partner who regularly gets so self-absorbed, insecure, and who dwells in victimhood.

I wonder if BPD goes into remission or if it simply is less prominent. Instead of going away and leaving someone that is 'normal', does it slowly fester up, always ready to resurface during times of stress, sickness etc. I asked my husband one day what he was thinking and he said "you wouldn't want to know". Not the answer I had hoped to get. He will also suppress some feelings saying "don't go there, I don't want to talk about it", my cue to drop the subject. He stuffs and stuffs, ends up huffing and puffing around the house (rushing, almost on a run), that is my clue that he's ready to explode. There is only so much pressure before the rage appears. He is doing this to himself with the thoughts that are constantly going through his head, that are not necessarily true, but he tells himself that they are.

I've read in some literature that BPD lessens with age. I'm not sure that's true. My mother would be a counterexample of that. However I didn't know her when she was young.    I do believe that people can do the work to look within and let go of bad programming, but it takes commitment and usually a longterm therapeutic relationship. I agree that BPD is waiting to rear its ugly head during stressful times.

As I change and he gets less of my tears and pleading to stay, his thinking may take him far away. That is not within my power to change.  I think I needed to get this out today. I'm getting the silent treatment, but do not feel helpless. This is all a good change.

     This is great, loyalwife.  You are doing what you can to make your life better and chances are, as you no longer respond in unhelpful ways, such as crying and pleading, that you will see positive changes in his behavior too.